Wednesday, 28 April 2010

  • Absolutely Unavailable, Yet Connecting


    I often wonder about the connections in our lives: why others come into our lives, for what reason and purpose. 

    I'm lucky and blessed that I have had experiences with others where I feel like the connection we have goes straight down to the very fibers of our being.  I certainly feel that way about my husband, and have concerning various people through the years.  Lately, however, the connections I've cultivated have been disconcerting.


    I've always felt very comfortable around the opposite sex. I'm the kind of girl that can hang with the guys, a sort of "one of the boys," so-to-speak.  I think this comes from having a very close relationship with my dad.  At one point he covered both fatherly and motherly duties, due to my mom's rapid alcoholism.  It's a trait I find very useful. Life can be uncomfortable enough - it's nice to be able to sit back and have a deep and meaningful conversation with someone you might have been otherwise intimidated by due to the ever-evolving differences between sexes. 


    The challenge for me, lately, comes from my own nervous mind and the not-so-great social skills learned from watching my own parents interact with each other.  I'm married.  Very happily married to a wonderful person I connect with deeply. However, I still find myself connecting on a deep level with others, too, which you'd think would be very normal, healthy and satisfying.  But, oh that dreaded biological anomaly: chemistry.  I still feel that emotional, intellectual, philosophical spark with others. Age, race or origin never seems to matter, unless it's with a guy. There's my doozie.  

    It makes me feel....uncomfortable.  Almost....guilty. 

    Readers: is it perfectly normal, healthy and okay to be absolutely unavailable yet have a deep connection with someone else?  In other words, is there ever such thing as an innocent crush?  What do you think?

Comments (12)

  • babixk1umzy@xanga

    I don't see why not. As long as you don't act out on those feelings AKA go off and cheat then I say your feelings are completely normal. But if this is really affecting your life or your relationship with your husband then I suggest you should probably seek professional help.

  • Rin_Iyasu@xanga

    I know exactly what you mean. I think it's extremely healthy to connect with many people. For me it's not so much of a problem, considering my philosophy on marriage/relationships, but I can understand the guilt associated with these connections within a traditional marriage. My advice, still pursue these connections with other people, but make sure to give your husband equal attention. Be sure to do some fun things with him that give you the same feeling as when you are with others, just don't let that feeling go! Otherwise I see no problems connecting on a deep level with other people, it's what we're here for, right? Good luck!

  • lilchocaholick@xanga

    I have struggled with this issue personally in my 10 year marriage.  I too appreciate the intellectual stimulation I get from discussions with the opposite sex; my male friends appreciate my frankness which comes out more since I do not feel the need to play the games women play when dating.  I have found that the men I interract with need to be told ahead of time that our relationship is platonic and that if he ever feels otherwise the friendship has to be terminated.  


    I think that these types of relationships can be healthy or dangerous depending on what you intentions are in your relationships outside of your marriage and if you would feel comfortable with your husband having a comparable interaction with other women.  And you have to ask yourself are you seeking these interractions... and is it because there is something lacking in your relationship?

  • angelwingfive@xanga

    There shouldn't be anything wrong with it, as you are someone who connects well with the opposite sex. It would be odd if you were purely a girl's girl and suddenly found yourself having long conversations with a man who is not your husband.

  • superGchik@xanga

    of course, it makes perfect sense to be absolutely unavailable but yet connecting.  to me i use them as signs to make sure that i'm not going crazy and that i'm doing what i'm supposed to be doing.

  • P0RCELA1N_D0LL@xanga

    I think I'm not in a relationship because I enjoy freely connecting emotionally/intellectually with many people, mostly men, without feeling guilty because I'm not dating them, just talking/flirting. I'm the opposite and didn't have any male figures in my life growing up so that is very likely why I search for the attention I didn't have before.

  • LaBellaMorena
  • Not_a_real_site@xanga
    Some damaged asshole might call that a form of cheating. cough-itmightbeme-cough. But from an outsiders view as long as you have your priorities straight, and maintain the bond with you husband, there really isn't anything wrong. You know yourself far better than any of us ever will. So you should be wary of the guilt. It may be your subconcious trying to tell you something. Also, if you would be comfortable with your husband having the same relationships, then you are in the clear.
  • JennyGee@xanga

    @lilchocaholick@xanga - good point- are these connections satisfying because there is something lacking in your marriage?  if so, you may be at risk for cheating.

    there can absolutely be innocent crushes!!  i am dating a guy i am head-over-heels crazy about.  but there's a guy at work who is SUPER hot.  i talk to him, joke around with him, catch myself watching him work sometimes, and drool over him with the other girls.  i feel no guilt (he is totally beautiful, after all )  BUT if i went out for drinks after work with him, told him things i didn't tell my guy, had vivid fantasies about kissing him/sexing him up, then i would know i had to watch myself and limit my interactions with him.  i would never go to an out-of-town business function with him, or meet him alone anywhere. 

    if you ever feel tempted to cheat, just make sure to take precautions.  don't put yourself in a situation where it would be anything BUT an innocent crush.  ask your hubby to come along when you meet with these friends, or only meet in a group, or make sure it's a casual coffee date on a saturday afternoon, etc.  don't do anything with them you wouldn't do with a girlfriend/wouldn't mind your hubby doing with a female friend.  like everybody else is saying, there's nothing wrong with the thoughts as long as they don't turn into actions. 

  • danc1ng_1n_th3_ra1n@xanga

    I think it's okay to have an innocent crush...but that might turn into something else that could be quite dangerous.

  • jeeee

    i had  to say i love my dad deeply ,so i agree with you indee  


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