Lately, I've been thinking a lot about monogamy and whether there needs to be official asking for it - like when our parents would go "steady" or when your boyfriend asked you to be his girlfriend. I know in high school when you start dating someone, the people around you see you as monogamous, despite whether you've made it a point to be exclusive.
In college and when you're older, its stickier. Dating definitely isn't monogamous, most people can date two or three people at a time. Then, it usually requires one party asking another to be exclusive. And of course, marriage is monogamous (well theoretically it is).
My friend was dating this guy for three or four months - he never officially asked her to be his girlfriend and they never discussed being exclusive. He started calling her his girlfriend and saying that she wasn't allowed to hook up with other people. She eventually stopped seeing him because she didn't want be in a relationship and definitely not with someone who thought that she was his without even asking her.
I'm currently seeing this guy and we've been on and off dating for the past year and a half. He's never asked me out officially, and while I know that I have no official obligation to him, it would be hard for me to date or hook up with someone else even though I'm still technically "single." I'm almost positive he feels the same way. I'm not sure if I want him to ask me out but sometimes I question what we are and the extent of our exclusiveness.
Do you think monogamy needs to be talked about or become an "official" thing before it can be practiced?
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We are a freer society than in our parents time. Monogamy in not always in the cards, I know folks that make polyamory work, I know swingers that seem happy, and I know folks in loveless monogamos relationships. Being with someone requires one thing above all else, communication. Whether it's in a fancy restaurant or in a pizza dive, bring the subject up, gently. Talk it through. Make sure you are on the same page. Finding out in ambush is crushing.
Holy shit, you've been dating him for a year and a half and there's been no talk of exclusivity? I think it's about time to have that talk...
@JadeMaster2@xanga - Agreed.
If a man wants to be monogamous he will make it known.
@Revolutionary22@xanga - Not always. Some men fear rejection as much as a woman does. The hope no news is good news
I don't really think there needs to be that conversation. I'm pretty much 100% sure that the reason it didn't happen with my current relationship is because he just doesn't like talking about stuff like that. It just makes him uncomfortable, and that's not really a big deal. We say that we love each other often.. I think that's pretty much the same thing.
my last ex and i were official unofficially. we never discussed it, but i called him my boyfriend and that was that. although, i think it would've been better if we had talked about it. there was a long time where i was unsure of what to call him, and if we were really exclusive.
I dont think it needs to be talked about and I hate that waiting for the guy to ask things to why make him ask. If you really dont trust that he knows you want it to be exclusive. Then ask him simply ask are we exclusivly dating now ?
I think it's time to say something. Who cares if it makes him uncomfortable, it's obviously bothering you and it's time to bring it up.
There are certain key signs of being monogamous in a relationship and I would say there is an unwritten code that if you're together for a certain amount of time and the relationship reaches a certain point you shouldn't see other people. On the other hand, this can be hard to agree on, and it's best to discuss it as soon as possible to know where the lines are. I've known people to use the "but we never talked about being monogamous" line to get out of cheating... and it worked. Best to protect your interests
Oh my goodness, MY LIFE! I'm in a similar situation, where I'm dating someone but we aren't monogamous, and I feel like we both feel similarly about what we want but having that conversation is so hard. I feel like since it's been so long with you two, it would be okay to say something. You could even phrase it as a question, asking him what exactly he wants and what is going on, and then going on to your feelings. You don't want to just keep be dragged around and confused.
The conversation needs to take place. No conversation = no exclusivity. I am not a fan of monogamy to begin with and I've had guys that tried to play the jealous boyfriend card when we'd only been seeing each other a few weeks. And I was just like, uhhh...did I make myself unclear? I'm not your girlfriend. Maybe one day I will be, but probably not. I'm just dating you for now. If I choose to become your girlfriend, you will KNOW.
You don't want to be in a relationship where one person thinks you're getting serious and the other is just having fun and dating others at the same time. Talking about it is the only way to ensure someone doesn't get hurt feelings over it.
I definitely think monogamy should be discussed and not assumed, especially in today's society where there are so many twisted versions of relationships. It's not just black and white anymore. In our grandparents and parents days, nearly all relationships were monogamous and heterosexual. With changing times it's not always so clear anymore what is expected out of a relationship when you get into it. Discuss it with the other person and make sure you're on the same page before you waste your time getting involved with somebody who has very different goals for the relationship than you do.
My boyfriend and I met online, after I was adamant about never meeting anybody that I met on the computer. I guess you could say it was unplanned and was one of the BEST dumb decisions I ever made. The day we met we felt like we had known eachother for a long tme. Before the day ended he said "I know it's really soon for this, but will you be my girlfriend?" The same day we met in person! I happily said yes because we had such great chemistry and I felt like I knew him well, and we've been in a monogamous and committed relationship ever since. We've discussed marriage, and we plan to be engaged in the near future. I love that we're both committed and ready to settle down together. Anything besides monogamy makes absolutely no sense to me, personally.
@Sounds0fLaughter@xanga - no it's not!!! if you never talked about being exclusive, you're not exclusive. no show of affection is the same as having a conversation about it, and effectively making a promise.
to the OP, you don't have to "ask him to ask you out". just bring it up, like- "y'know, we've never really talked about being exclusive...what are your thoughts on that?" or something. i don't even like the phrase "asked out"; to me, that means someone asked me to go out (aka, on a date. one time.) if he asks you to be his girlfriend, that's different to me. but that's more about semantics than anything else.
@JennyGee@xanga - The guys that I dated in the past, we never talked about being "exclusive" either but once he asked the "Will you go out with me?' question, we are automatic exclusive and expect one another to be in a monogamy relationship. Same with my husband - when we dated, there was no need to speak about being exclusive, but I guess to some, it has to be spoken and clarify. I guess it really just depends on the couple. Then again, when I was "dating" back then, when you date, you only date one person and not like today.
Yes. Ever heard of miscommunication? If you are unsure of what you guys are, you guys need to sit down and talk about it. If you don't make it clear of what you guys are, someone will get hurt in the end if someone does something.
@presque_la@xanga - don't know about your parents and grandparents, but here in the midwest in the 50s and 70s, most people dated a number of partners casually and then decided to "go steady" later on, with varying degrees of formality. my parents didn't have any formal arrangement until their engagement, and my mom continued to date others for years! i am a fan of monogamous relationships myself, but it's certainly not the only way to fly, and never really has been in our society- some form of casual dating almost always precedes a formal relationship for most couples.
@jeezshoua@xanga - had you been out a few times and then he asked "will you go out with me?", or were you friends first? in high school, my first boyfriend asked "will you go out with me" and i understood it to mean that we were monogamous because of the context. i'm not saying that that's not enough, it's just not my preferred phrasing.
If you're unclear after that amount of time, I think you need to talk about it. Normally you'd just know. Or the word boyfriend or girlfriend will be used - and then you know.
Check out my dating disasters:
http://plentymorefishoutofwater.blogspot.com/
@JennyGee@xanga - I met a few through friends, talked, we liked each other, and bam! He popped the question. But yeah, those dating scenes were back in middle school/high school. I supposed it differs when you're older and who you are with - my husband and I didn't have that talk because we were friends before and knew what was expected from one another. :)
I was in a similar situation for a long time, but it started tearing us apart because he had a lot of double standards. Like I wasn't supposed to get mad if his ex texted him but I wasn't allowed to talk to other guys. The conversation definitely needs to be had, especially after you guys have been like that for so long. My guy was hesitant to be "official," but I never would have known that if I hadn't brought it up, since it seemed that we were acting like a couple all the time.
@JennyGee@xanga - haha, okay. Because you know my life, and definitely know how all relationships in the world work.
You don't really need to have a conversation about it. You can show each other in little ways that you're there and you aren't going anywhere. Trust me, it's possible. And it's nice, because you know that you're together not because you promised each other, but because both of you genuinely want to be in the relationship.
Not needing to have that conversation is just showing each other trust and understanding. If a guy tells you he loves you, and makes it obvious in the way he acts towards you (excluding the kind of guy who is good at acting like this) you don't really need to sit him down and spell out the fact that you'd rather not have him go chasing skirts. In fact, I would take it as offensive. To show someone how much you love them every day and then still have them be paranoid enough to make you promise not to date anyone else? No thanks. I'd move on to the next guy.
Have the conversation now!!! Never play the middel because someone will end up being mislead
You should tell him. It's been a year and a half. If you want more and he doesn't you are just hurting yourself. The best thing to do is to tell him how you feel. He must care about you if you have been seeing each other for over a year. I am not saying you will get the answer you want but a least you would be able to be with someone who feels the same way you do.
guys that liked me usually asked me upfront to be their girlfriend. if it was just the casual beginning stages of getting to know each other, then I don't expect to be the only girl that he is talking to nor should he expect the same thing. however, if he expresses jealousy when he knows or asks me if I'm talking to other guys and if I also like him a lot, then I'll usually step away from the other guys that I might be talking to and focus on him only and make it clear that it is now monogamous. it depends on how much that I like the guy and whether or not I see potential.
I recently had this conversation with a guy I've been dating.
Because we never had a formal conversation about it, I never assumed we were in a relationship. Not that I was seeing other people (I wasn't), but he never once said, "Yes, we are in a exclusive relationship," so it made me fairly unsure about how he viewed me because I had developed genuine feelings for him. I ended up venting on Xanga about it one day; he read it and that night proceeded to have an hour or so long conversation with me about how he felt about me, how he viewed me, and that yes, he felt we were in a relationship. Honestly, I felt a lot better once I found out that my mind was blurring the lines more than what the reality actually was.
Moral of the story - don't be afraid to bring it up and talk about it. The more you both shy away from it, more of a chance both of you stand to be hurt due to the blurred lines of an ambiguous relationship. Communication is key in all relationships we have, whether it's family, friends, or a significant other.