Recently I submitted a post to Datingish called "40 Things Every Man Should Know About Women," which, as I'm sure you guessed, was a list of
generalized guidelines that could help a guy in a relationship to understand his girl.
My most common criticism (other than those who want guys to shave their chests. hehe) was that the list promoted the concept of women setting rules for their men; that it is a double standard. I just wanted to let the fellas out there know that I was most definitely NOT saying anything of the sort.
A healthy relationship is not about one person setting rules and the other person following them to a T. It is about both people respect each other in an equally balanced way. Just as I posted suggested guidelines for men, I myself follow my own personal set of rules for how to treat my BF with respect (and trust me, we get along really well).
DISCLAIMER: THESE ARE NOT UNIVERSAL TRUTHS AND ARE SUBJECTIVE FOR EVERY RELATIONSHIP (I didn't think I needed to say that for my other post, but some readers just take this way too seriously)
1. The amount of money he makes, the things he'll buy you, or the car he drives should not be deciding factors when considering a guy's dateability.
2. As far as I know, no one can read minds, including men. It's unreasonable to expect your SO to know exactly what you want or what you're thinking. Nor will hints or subtlety likely inform him of what you want. Straight-forward communication is a vital part of every relationship and it goes both ways.
3. Do not pretend things are fine when they aren't. This is closely related to #2 because, again, it is about communication. I know of way too many cases in which a person bottled things up only to "explode" a few months later when their SO didn't even know there were any problems in the first place. Talk about the issues as they come up.
4. Take a solution-seeking approach when problems do come up. It is so easy to let your anger or emotions get ahead of you and escalate into a fight. Instead, ask yourself, "what needs to be said or done so we can move on?" Basically, if you HAVE to "fight," do so fairly. Leave the name calling to 5-yr-olds.
5. Don't measure his manhood. I couldn't believe it, but apparently some girls do this. It'll just make him insecure and think about measuring your cup size/thighs/waist/thighs/wherever your insecurities lie.
6. Let him have "guy time." How would you feel if your SO wouldn't let you hang out with your best friend? He has things in his life that don't revolve around you, just like you do.
7. Try to get along with his friends. No, you don't have to see them as your new brothers, but your BF will appreciate the effort. Things are easier when everyone gets along.
8. Don't drag him shopping all the time if he doesn't want to go. He doesn't have to share your enthusiasm for all of your favorite pastimes, and it's not fair to force him. And I'm sure he'll do the same by not making you watch him as he defeats the final boss in his favorite video game (or whatever else it is that floats his boat but bores you to death).
9. When the bathroom door is closed, let him have his alone time. Most guys don't feel like chatting while taking a dump.
10. No one likes a back seat driver. It's one thing to say, "hey, I think we're supposed to turn left here," and another to go "SLOW DOWN! SLOW DOWN! WHY WON'T YOU STOP FOR DIRECTIONS? WATCH OUT FOR THAT CYCLIST! BITCH BITCH BITCH NAG NAG NAG!"
11. And about the nagging: try to keep it as minimal as possible.
12. His masturbation is not a sign that you're not good enough. Actually, it's probably to your advantage anyways because you may not be available or in the mood at every exact moment that he is. Yes, some people have masturbation addictions, but most don't, so let it go.
13. Guys, just like women, crave hugs and small shows of affection, too. Just keep in mind that every guy differs in his views of PDA, especially when it's in front of his guy friends.
14. He'll also probably prefer that you don't call him "schnookums" in public, even if he loves it in private.
15. Don't fake it.
16. He may say some white lies to spare your feelings ("why yes, babe, I love that your mother comes over every afternoon for lunch, and do I like your new haircut? Of course!"). I personally don't like this and prefer blunt honesty, but everyone's different. Just remember that you should pick your battles. Are you really going to get that angry because he cares about you too much to hurt your feelings? Which leads me to....
17. Don't sweat the small stuff. It's not the end of the world if the toilet seat is up. There are lots of things that just aren't worth getting upset about.
18. Guys like to be complimented just as much as girls. If he looks handsome, tell him.
19. A good guy won't expect you to act dumb. Stimulating conversation is awesome.
20. Curb your jealousy. Unfortunately, we live in a world where a lot of people cheat, so it's easy to get green on occasion. But if you trust him, then show it. Let him have his female friends (just like he shouldn't flip out if you have guy friends). NOTE: This is subjective to every relationship because sometimes there are reasons to doubt someone's fidelity. Just try to not invent reasons when they aren't there.
21. You don't have to be a supermodel, but it's nice to take care of yourself. Just like you appreciate it when your guy shaves/combs his hair/showers/whatever for you, he likes it when you keep yourself up for him. That being said, NEVER let a guy make you feel bad or inadequate for the way you look. Chances are, he's not a perfect Adonis either...
22. Don't be too clingy. Alone-time is important in a relationship, too.
23. Let things go. You don't need to bring up something inconsiderate he said (and probably already apologized for) last year.
24. Don't try to change him. Little things like trying to cure his snoring are acceptable, but otherwise, you should accept each other for how you are.
25. Remember that not all guys out there are douche bags. Appreciate the "good guys."
26. Be comfortable with yourself. Confidence is sexy. Don't be afraid to go sans make-up. And trust me, asking him if he thinks your butt looks big will either leave you feeling more insecure, convince you that your SO is lying to you, or make him wish he could disappear (probably all three at the same time).
27. Guys don't like games. Purposefully sending mixed signals is just mean.
28. Do some of the initiating. Guys like to feel pursued occasionally, too. It's not a crime to call or text him first. And if you're feeling "in the mood" you don't have to wait for him to make an advance.
29. Don't get so comfortable that you take him for granted. Show appreciation for the things he does for you.
30. Honesty. Honesty. Honesty.
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Comments (35)
Very good list. I try to follow these as often as I can.
He wasted three days and several minutes of texting on me. :'D
i think if you are considering marriage, money is an important issue to be considered
Wonderful list, I'll keep these in mind. :)
@swtaznxtc90@xanga - that is a very good point. Though rather than thinking about "who has the most money?" the question should probably be "will he be financially stable?"
Money can be a good indicator of responsibility and ambition, which may be what one is looking for. but when you've found an awesome guy who makes only 40k, it'd be silly to turn your nose up waiting for the jerk who makes 80K.
@AubreyBird@xanga -
:)
Thats what I meant, should have expanded haha
=) Awesome, that's exactly how my boyfriend and I get along so well. It's just I was too lazy to type everything down. Awesome post!
A lot of this, if not all, is common sense. However, I see many individuals who do the opposite.
unfortunately, common sense of honesty, respect and good communication seems to go out the door when one enters a relationship, thus all of these people asking for advice on datingish
if only they had common sense to figure out things on their own and not have outsiders giving their opinion on what they think they should do next.
common sense of honesty, respect and good
communication, went flying out the door coming from my guy after about a month. so everything he does is apparently right and he can still talk on dating sites too, even tho we have been talkin abt marrige.
#26. I never asked him if he thought my butt was big.. He simply said "Your butt is big, I like it". Was I offended? No
Excellent list. I agree with everything on here, probably the first time this has happened with any Datingish post.
I disagree with #1, for some people how much a guy makes matters, and there is no reason why it shouldn't. If a person honestly wants a certain level of lifestyle financially, then it matters to them and they should be honest about it and not date guys who can't provide. 'That is as valid a reason as any other. Life and relationships are not about idealistic unconditional love alone, there is this thing called real life that comes into play as well.
I married for love and money be damned and lived in poverty for decades. I made it work, but I wouldn't recommend it to any of my friends. There is no shame in wanting some financial stability of freedom. Poverty sucks.
Sounds good, now where can I get this information implanted in my brain??
I think you are the only person who has ever posted something that I completely agree with, same with your other post.
I didn't read it all,but sounds good/what we follow.
blah blah blah. I'm tired of these lists. Rules don't apply to everyone and every situation. Guide lines are something people can decide for themselves as well.
@Liquid_Pain_523@xanga - hurrah! glad you like this more than my other post.:)
@ccccourage@xanga - i completely agree with you. I actually addressed that somewhat it my reply to swtaznextc90. Love is awesome, but financial stability through life is too.
@HollowTendencies@xanga - Thank you! I'm really flattered.:)
@Pheism@xanga - if only I'd said that at the beginning. you know, in bold caps lock.:P
Hmmm I did a lot of this in my last relationship but then soon it turned into me doing ALL the work. Paying for all the dates because he blew all his money on partying, initiating EVERYTHING including sex, putting up with his condensending tone of voice that I would always have to gently and firmly remind him that talking to me in that way is disrespectful, making him dinner, giving him time with the guys...maybe too much. It got to a point where he would blow off dates with me to go out to drink. Finally I had enough and called it quits because I finally woke up and realized I was his mother/maid/girl in the back pocket. That and he admitted that he was thinking about cheating on me.
Respect is a huge thing. Maybe it's just all the guys in my geographic location or all the ones I meet but I continuously see relationships (mine and my friends) change to where the girls are putting in all this hard work but then not getting anything out of it. I'm just sick and tired of being taken for granted and not appreciated at all. Maybe I was too sweet, maybe I was too accomodating. I don't know.
There are three and only three very important things that must be done by BOTH parties in EVERY relationship: Respect, Honesty, Consideration/Compromise. All those things are interlocked with each other.
@snwbrdrcutie@xanga - sounds like a real douchebag and a lot like my last relationship. Drop the loser girl!
we should get married.
@xraindropsonroses@xanga - Hahaha I've gotten that too. In a complimentary way :p
@xraindropsonroses@xanga - @wideopenskies@xanga - My boyfriend says that too, along with "I wish it was BIGGER" XD And to think we all want to look like models with their boy hips.
I basically agree with every single one. With the exception of number one's first part. If you're out of your teens and into the real world, especially if you already have kids, how much he makes financially is important and should not be overlooked. I certainly don't think though that what car he drives or amount of things bought for the girl is viable though. =) thanks for the list.