Sunday, 25 April 2010
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Datingish Advice: Hiatus with the Beau
Datingish Readers! In the Datingish Advice section, enigma_mystique82@xanga asks:
"How Long Should I Keep A Hiatus from a indecisive confused beau?I've been in a relationship with my beau for almost two years and things between us have gotten complicated. I've tried to do my best to be a good girlfriend but, it seems to not make him become a better beau.
You can either comment to this post or go here.
It was not always like this. He used to be a nice courteous fellow who made time to be with me. I wrote him a Dear Tom-John letter about me taking a hiatus from seeing him so he can get his life together. I was wondering how long should I keep this hiatus? He's one confused fellow and I don't know how else to help him.
Lately in our relationship it's like habitual of him to not follow through with his words. I feel upset towards him and this situation because it almost feels like getting stood up with a bf who cannot follow through with his words.
I don't want him to hurt me again with another careless act whether by impulse or not. I tend to criticize myself the most though my friends say I should not blame myself for what my beau did wrong to me and in the relationship.
Last thing he told me was he's confused about his feelings for me and he says we got conflict of interest and thinking of going to Taiwan to teach English there. I don't know what to do with him. So exactly how long should I keep this hiatus before seeing him again?"
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Comments (17)
What..
@HollowTendencies@xanga - Agreed. What? But from what I understand...
How does he feel about this hiatus? If you think he's the problem in the relationship, maybe you need to talk to him about it more (unless, I'm hoping, you mentioned all this in the letter you wrote him.) It sounds like you're unhappy in the relationship and not willing to take the step to breaking up with him because of the time you've invested in the relationship. Maybe you need more then a hiatus.
I'm not exactly sure what you're asking, but the length of a "break" can be anywhere from weeks to years. Give him breathing room for a few weeks and see if that results in any clarity on his behalf. If it doesn't, the two of you should have a conversation about a) whether or not your relationship is working and b) whether or not both of you are willing to work on your relationship.
You should probably also use this time to ask yourself if this relationship is really worth it, as you say that he's already hurt you before with impulsive, careless acts.
Simple! Set an "absolute last day you will wait till" day for yourself. Like 1 or 2 months. If he hasn't made up his mind by then or tried to change/win you back it's break up time! Personally, I would never want to be with someone who is doubting if he wants to be with me. Who has time to waste on that?! There are too many cute sinlge guys around just waiting to be dated :)
Gibberish. And you're blatantly going to spilt up within six months.
Check out my dating disasters:
http://plentymorefishoutofwater.blogspot.com/
I have yet to see a "hiatus" work out in the end. If you decide you need to be apart then you usually have a good reason for doing so (hopefully you are not playing mind games).
However set a date and stick to it. I hope you both get what you want.
honestly, i would just break it off. why wait around? he's obviously trying to separate himself from you; even thinking of moving to taiwan. good grief. if he's not putting in any effort, find someone who will. waiting around for him to mature will get you nowhere, except regretful that you weren't with someone else who actually cared.
does conflict of interests mean that he doesn't feel that you support him enough in his goals, such as teaching english in taiwan? does careless act mean he cheated? there aren't enough specifics for me to give advice.
I've gone on a break with my boyfriend and we got back together and things have never been better.... breaks are different for everyone. cause oh wait, everyone's different? in case everyone forgot.
also, please please don't set a time limit. god, just let everything take a natural flow and let feelings take control. time means nothing.
@Vanagloria@xanga - I agree. If things are going that bad they are unlikely to improve, he sounds selfish, I don't know the relationship but it's pretty clear you aren't happy.
um, like everyone else i didn't really understand this. so i'll just say that if you're thinking of taking a break, it almost never works out well.
if you're using a break as some sort of ultimatum or to "punish" him to say, it never works out well
In this case, it kind of sounds like he's done and just doesn't want to start a huge thing by telling you outright. Him saying he's confused about his feelings for you and he's thinking about going to another country to teach English is probably his way of saying he's not interested in being in a relationship with you. So, there is no real need for a hiatus. If you take one, it'll end up being permanent.
Plus, as has been mentioned in the comments already, if you use this hiatus as an ultimatum in order to make him change, its not likely to work out. Especially, if he's not that into the relationship already. He'll just use it as an excuse to move on without actually breaking up with you.
My boy has been like this almost continuously for the past year. We decided it's the distance that he can't handle, so our hiatus is until I move. But before we figured this out, I was just as lost as you. What I've found is, I always wait for him to come to me because then I know he's ready to talk. He's the type of guy who won't talk about it unless he's ready. We've tried to continue communicating but, if he's not ready he just gets annoyed and shuts down. I know our situations are very different but that might help. But i would just go on with your life, take it as it goes, and try your best to stay friends with him during this time (but usually by letting him talk to you first)
I hope it helps!he doesn't want to be with you but doesn't want to do the dirty work of breaking up with you. Trust me babe, drop him now.
@StillNotaPrettyGirl@xanga - You are absolutely right.
Being a good girlfriend DOES NOT make your boyfriend be a better boyfriend. Nothing you do will ever change another person, so don't try to change the person, just change the relationship. In this case, the best thing to do is probably to just end it and move on to someone better.
I do not think it is a good idea to draw a line on such an issue... Very hard to set a time limit in the first place. If I were you, I would break up, go on with my life, date other people and if you are still single and he comes around, then perhaps he may get another chance?