Monday, 19 April 2010
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The Semi-Controlling Significant Other
So I love my girlfriend, I really do. But sometimes, I have my problems.
Like today, she asked if she could call me at work. I said maybe because it was busy, but if she did, they would get me for her. Because I didn't give her a flat out Yes, she doubted me being at work. So I ran to the back and grabbed a phone that would call out and called her. I know that she's far away (I'm in Texas for school, she's in Colorado), but she's flying down here in 10 days. She's always asking me what I'm doing, where I am. Paranoid. When, I'm really doing nothing. I have no life here at school anymore, just work and class.
She also dwells so much on my past relationships. Like, my friend tweeted in March (yes she went that far back in my tweets) about an ex and I responded back :"@myfriendstwittername the latest ex...?" and she responded "@mytwittername no, we never were really in one. he keeps confessing is "undying love" for me and its annoying me" . Well she thought that my friend's response was coming from me. She blew up at me, and it wasn't even my words. I told her to call my friend and ask, which she said she wouldn't do.
I know that she's paranoid because I'm so far away. When we're together everything is fine. We have our lives together and our own friends. No questions asked. But when I'm here, she has zero trust in me. I feel like she's getting really controlling. I know she's been hurt and cheated on before, but I'm not going to do that. I mean, I'm moving my entire life to live with her. I don't cheat; I think it's aweful and so harmful to someone. I couldn't do it even if I tried and had a gun pointed at my head.
All my friends are telling me that she's getting really bad and controlling. What can I tell her to stop and give me a little space and trust?
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- From: newbody_dreams@xanga
- About Me: I'm 21. & trying to loose weight. it's harder then it seems when you live in a college dorm.
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Comments (18)
u should really talk to her and tell her everything....because when its too late she might come back with something like well you should have told me this earlier or something. and plus it should be a two way relationship and this one seems like shes just really paranoid and shes too controlling with you...
however maby shes an insecure girl, if so when uve gotta make sure she doesnt get insecure, like make her feel more loved or make her realise she is a big part of your life. and if trust is an issue then uve gotta prove to her that she can trust you. i know its abit stupid but thats the only way i guess, trust is a big thing.but still, jus sit and talk to her about all your worries and problems, you'll feel better. but if she doesnt understand then u gotta let it go and just see if this relatonship can go any further like this without trust and stuff. hope that helped!Yeah, definitely talk to her about it. She needs to start trusting you, it is one of the building blocks of a relationship.
She also needs to let go of your past and be happy that she's the only girl in your life.
Ask her if there is something you can do better to help her trust you which doesn't include attaching a video camera to your head.
these social network public chat forums on twitter, facebook and myspace are causing unnecessary drama. that is why I don't have them or set it to private. she shouldn't call you while you are at work but I think she just wants more assurance that you are there for her even if you haven't done anything shady. maybe initiate more of the conversations if you don't already and make her feel more comforted by sending her sweet messages before she sends them to you. sometimes all it takes is a simple, "hi, sweetie. I miss you" message or something simple yet warm and fuzzy like that. if you aren't into that stuff, then talk it over with her about what's bothering you.
well if she doesn't give you space naturally, through a good, long talk between you two, it'll likely happen by force - there's only so long either of you will take it. it takes a long time to trust once you've been hurt, but personally having been there, it has to be said that the best way is to step back and let things happen. stressing about bad shit happening doesn't stop it from happening. it's not worth worrying about. she needs to live her own life and let you live yours. if she can't do that, a relationship may not be for her until she is secure with herself. good luck!
@jamoncita@xanga - Agreed.
@LupusInvictus@xanga - the sad thing; i've actually somewhat considered that.
just be upfront about it if you need your space, she should understand.
Talk to her. No beating around the bush. If it bothers you, you have to bring it up. Read @starbecks latest Datingish submission (not like it's a plug or anything :P).
March was only a month ago...not that far back. Anyway paranoia and questions are part of the territory when it comes to long distance. Not that it excuses it, but you should expect it.
Just tell her what you feel and what you think and hopefully she understands.
A controlling relationship is a sign of insecurities....on the part of the accuser. You need to sit her down and have a frank discussion with her....
show her this blog post
or let her "stumble upon" it
ehehehe~
then she'll know you're serious when you say you're doing nothing that could make her be afraid that you're cheating or something
:s
Definitely talk to her that her behavior is bothering you. IMO, I don't think you have to prove to her that she should trust you. The trust should be there until it's broken. The problem is really her and not you.
This isn't something that would be fixed just by "removing" the distance. It needs to be addressed and fixed. Relationships are built essentially on love, trust, communication, and friendship. Looks like a lot of areas could use a little helping.
I feel for ya, really. My boyfriend used to be a bit insecure at the beginning of our relationship (3 years ago). He still has his little moments once in a while, usually when a new guy pops into my life that he doesn't know so well, but the important thing is that it is so obvious he is consciously trying to and working on fixing it. I don't expect him to be perfect overnight, and if you love you gf you shouldn't expect her to either. BUT if she really loves you, she'd be willing to admit to her faults and make a compromise with you to really try to get better.
Also, I agree with @P0RCELA1N_D0LL@xanga about making her feel more assured -- you shouldn't be flipping your normal routine upside-down, but just try to alleviate the pressures on her along the process. A simple text can change everything.
Definitely talk to her about this; from what you've posted, she seems a bit overbearing and that's usually not a good thing. Trust is key to a healthy relationship, and if you two can't find a balance, this will ultimately fail.
Well March was last month so unless you "tweet" more than once a day, that is a little obsessive...
Anyways, there's a line that can't be crossed. She is bordering on it. The whole calling you while you're at work is a BIG no-no. After all, is she picking you up from work? Do you have a kid together that you need to discuss? No... Taking personal calls on company time can ruin your professional career. Whatever happens at home needs to stay at home. The next thing you know, she'll think it is perfectly acceptable to call you at work to argue with you instead of waiting until you got home. Then she'll be showing up at your office wanting to start drama. Don't let it get any further than her knowing your work phone. She can call if it's any emergency and you can do something about it, but she can't just call to make sure you're there. She's not your mother. I know one of my co-workers is always getting calls from her boyfriend asking to make sure she got there. At first, I thought it was sweet because she was new to the area, etc. Everyday, though? Now I want to say "of COURSE she's here. Where else would she be? She's got a baby to feed and you're sitting around at home, too!"
Long distance relationships can be tough and can bring up insecurities that otherwise wouldn't be a problem. I'm in a ldr, and have been for two years. In some ways, I feel like your girl --- I was hurt in the past, and at times, I feel like I crowd my current boyfriend. If he doesn't call me or doesn't respond to text messages I send him, I can begin to panic or feel forgotten and insecure.
However, I handle this by realizing this is a reflection of my own issues/insecurities that I need to resolve, and not an issue of my relationship or my guy. In fact, he's wonderful about it, and we've had many conversations that were calm and constructive, helping us to hammer out what each of us expects and needs from the other. We found middle ground so that we aren't on each other's backs all the time, but we also are responsive and understanding of the other person's need of space and contact. Start by asking her what you can do to make her feel more comfortable, and tell her that her actions make you feel like she doesn't trust or love you.
For this to work, she has to learn to rely on herself to calm her insecurities and doubts, rather than to always need your attention/responsiveness/etc. Good luck!