I find that many people have very different views about marriage.
Some balk at the idea of committing to one person for the rest of their life
some think it's pointless
some think the only good thing about it is the tax cuts
some think it's beautiful
some refuse to do it until it's equal
some think it's overrated
some think it's underrated
some think we take it for granted
I think my views on marriage are highly influenced by my personal experiences. At 20 I have never been married or engaged, so by personal experience I mean what I've seen marriage be in my family.
My parents' marriage is almost perfect. They almost never fight, and when they do start to get mad at each other one of two things happens: 1) they walk away and talk about it later or 2) my father does something stupid or makes a joke and my mom starts laughing and yells "you're such an ass," through her laughter and then they forget about it.
Recently, a friend of a friend-of-the-family decided to get a divorce. Her friends, including this friend of the family, were totally shocked. No one saw it coming as there were no signs of even the slightest bit of marital trouble (my mom says that probably means she found someone else lol).
This friend of the family and another woman were discussing this in my mother's presence, and the other woman said "You just don't give up like this. My husband and I have thought about getting a divorce before but we stuck together," *to the friend of the family* "And weren't you just telling me the other day that you and your husband have talked about divorce before?"
"Yeah," she replied, "We have our rough patches."
They then both agreed that it is totally normal for a married couple to threaten divorce when they're mad but that you're supposed to try to work it out. My mother was absolutely appalled.
"In 25 years of marriage, the word divorce has never once left either of our lips," she said later in the car, and my father concurred.
That's the kind of marriage I want to have: where after 25 years together the idea of getting a divorce has been laughably ridiculous the entire time. It's to the point that they can't figure out why people have such a hard time with it.
To me, that is beautiful, and that's why I think marriage is such a good thing. They have a constant companion that they still love, whose company they still enjoy, after 25 years, and they can always rely on each other.
I'm so glad that I have such a good model of what a happy marriage is to look back on when trying to maintain my own, and I feel so bad for kids growing up in a house with parents who don't love each other, or a parent who's not present for some reason.
However, another heart-warming family story is why I think that marriage is totally separate from the ceremony and the piece of paper.
My Uncle and his wife dated for 12 years, were engaged for 4 days, and then got married. That was about 3 years ago, so they started dating when I was 5, and I've called her my aunt since as long as I can remember. They were always Uncle Joe and Aunt Tina; it didn't matter that they weren't actually married. They've lived together as long as I can remember, attended every family function together as long as I can remember, and been happy as long as I can remember.
Three years ago, they went to Hawaii as part of their goal of visiting all 50 states (they completed that goal just this past Easter). After being inseparable for 12 years, my uncle proposed to her on the beach, and of course she said yes. They spent 4 days of lounging in the sun, swimming with dolphins, and enjoying being together (and probably brooding over the fact that they now had to plan a wedding as they're both introverted and hate big to-dos). They decided on the 4th day that a big wedding was just not something either of them wanted. Turns out, Hawaii is just like Vegas. They opened the phone book and found an ad that said "Beach weddings! short notice, no problem." At 4 pm that day, on the beach, in flip flops, khakis, and Hawaiian shirts, in front of a big Hawaiian dude in similar attire, they got married.
The day they came home my grandmother left a message on the machine saying "Hey, give me a call when you get in, I've got some great news," in a very cheerful voice (to be fair almost everything she says is in a very cheerful voice).
"Joe and Tine just got home form their vacation. I bet they got engaged," my mom said.
"No," I said, "they've been dating so long that grandma wouldn't sound that excited about them just getting engaged. I bet they already got married."
To this day I feel like a god damned wizard for figuring that one out.
What this experience taught me is that having a big ceremony and making it official is not what marriage is all about. The legal part can definitely be really important, especially as a couple nears the end of their life, but they'd never had kids and never had any health woes or worries about losing their assets, so they hadn't had to worry about those things yet.
Absolutely nothing changed in their relationship once they got married. They were the same two people in the same house in the same relationship in the same family with the same love.
I always say that they were married a for long time before they got married. They were not different from a married couple in any significant way, other than the legal aspect.
So overall, I think marriage can be great, and the legal benefits you get from it can be really important when you're trying to build a life together. But it's not in the piece of paper. It's not in the white dress or the photo albums full of pictures of you in the white dress. It's not in the ceremony. It's in the heart.
Marriage isn't a thing or a concept; it's a feeling, a state of being, that people can share with or without any legal documentation and/or ceremony.
What do you think?
Do you plan/hope to get married one day?
How have marriages in your family shaped your beliefs?
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Comments (51)
Marriage is in the heart, I agree.
But, I'm in this for the tax cuts.
My parents have been together for over 30 years. I sincerely hope that one day I'll find the same thing they have.
I hate what most people view marriage as. To most people it's the be all end all of their life. Most people live just to get married and settle down. That makes me angry. Marriage is just a title nothing special. The connection you share with someone, when you actually truly love and understand one another. That's what people want, but to find that person you have to figure yourself out first, which i think most people forget. Idk in that sense its not so bad, but i've only ever seen bad things come of the over emphasis on the word as a title and how it seems to be a magic fixer of things for many people, or its somehow their obligation. Those views kill things. When anything becomes too serious, it ruins it. Most people tend to settle though for the sake of being married, rather than finding the person they actually want to be with. That is the world we live in, mostly. Exceptions do exist, and they are great when they come. I hope to have one of those exceptions, as well. Whether it be just a relationship or if i do ever feel like actually getting married when i find someone who gets me.
i agree that its not the ceremony or the piece of paper that makes you committed to that other person.
i've always thought the idea of a big wedding seemed kind of redundant. i mean, whats the point of it? to show that you are officially committed to each other in front of your friends and family? but the moment you announce your engagement, i think you already made it official. one day doesn't change anything. if you want the ceremony for other reasons, then go for it. its just never been something that personally appealed to me.
i've been with my boyfriend for 3 years and although we're not legally bound to each other, we've been through a lot and have never left the other one's side. all of our friends say that we are practically married already. we've lived together for the past two years, we've traveled together, and we make plans for the future together. after i graduate college next year, we will probably get engaged and eventually make it legal. but until then our relationship isn't any less committed or serious.
Marriage is basically announcing to the world that you happy with the one you're with and plan on being so for forever, to put it simply.
It's more than a piece a paper I agree.
As far as others' marriages shaping my views...in a way.
Everyone in this godforsaken small town I reside in..does it backwards.
Have a baby, get married, fall in love.
They take marriage for granted, and they mistake infatuation for love, and thus it ends horribly.
I am happy to say, I married my soul mate, and refuse to be like most people my age in this town. :)
i agree marriage isn't just a piece of paper it takes work. i do not plan on getting married. so if it never happens i wont be disappointed. i do think i have found the one i could see myself marrying. and everyone in my family is divorced that is why to me. marriage is like a tattoo...it is for life.
I agree. I don't want a big wedding, I think it's a waste of money. Marriage isn't about the flowers, the food, the dress - it's about the two people getting married saying they will work through everything.
I think a lot of people forget the vows they made when they got married, and I think that's a problem. When i get married, divorce will not be an option for me.
"[Groom’s name], do you take [Bride’s Name] to be your wedded wife to live together in marriage? Do you promise to love, comfort, honor and keep her for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, and forsaking all others, be faithful only to her so long as you both shall live?"
i only say "i do" once.
Marriage absolutely needs to be in the heart. But what you are leaving out in contrasting heart marriage with legal marriage is that marriage fundamentally is about promising to remain together and take care of each other for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, as long as you both shall live. Marriage is not about "a piece of paper" but it IS about the promises that that piece of paper represents. That's why the marriage ceremony is important, because it's where you explicitly make those promises. It sounds like your aunt and uncle implicitly assumed those promises before they actually made them. That's better than having nothing to do with promises at all, but still, something changed when they had a ceremony and explicitly voiced those promises. And it was a very good thing and it needed to happen.
Hey, that picture looks like the front steps of San Francisco's City Hall. If so, that is where my wife and I got our marriage license.
Marriage is just one of those centuries old stitched-up traditions that is in dire need of revolution or eradication. In America, marriage isn't as meaningful as it was once was where vows were actually something sacred.
@Fairywife@xanga - Those "tax cuts" are like 3-5%? A bit more than nominal but not groundbreaking.
My boyfriend and I have agreed that we are perfect for one another in every way, and that it will happen eventually. But now, we're young, in college, and trying to figure out our lives. We'll be with each other every step of the way, and we don't need to put a label on it now, because "me" and "you" has become "us". We're a package deal, our friends and families know that well by now.
My parents' marriage has always been shaky. My family life has been hellish and frustrating. But it hasn't affected my relationships or beliefs in marriage.
When the moment is right, it will happen, but until then, we are still together, and still "us" :)
Here's the shitty thing. Marriage is basically defined religiously, legally, and socially. None of them exactly match up, which makes this argument amount to mostly bupkiss.
Religiously, I view it as a pact you make with your spouse and your god, which ever it happens to be.
Legally, it's a slip of paper which says "You get tax cuts, but breaking up is a huge bitch."
Socially, it's viewed as a stepping stone in life and some sort of normalcy within your love life that conveys "Hey, I'm getting shit figured out".
The problem is, no one ever defines in what context they're talking about when they say "marriage". Is it in the heart? Sure, but it's also just a piece of paper for thoes who already had that love before the ceremony.
I don't believe marriage is in the heart. I believe that it HAS to be, yes, but that it's also a comittment that is to be made in front of people, family, on paper (for legal reasons) and if you believe in Him, God.
I've seen FAR FAR FAR too many people say "oh, it's in our hearts" and end up separating later on. Really? It was really in your heart hmm?
I don't think so. Marriage is comittment, that's how it's most often defined, and whether you're legal (on paper) or not, if you're not comitted for life, then I'm not sure you were EVER married.
@xXDC_luyouXx - Joke.
@Jilofalltrades87@xanga - You can't know that something changed, certainly not better than I know that as their family. Otherwise, it's an unfalsifiable conclusion because there's no possible example which would prove you wrong; no matter what you can just claim that something changed even if you don't know what.
@Winsa@xanga - I think that's sort of my point. my aunt and uncle were clearly committed, they just didn't bother to be legally committed
@mcmeister89@mancouch - I'm definitely not talking about the religious or the legal context. also, the way you've define the social context of it doesn't really fit with what I'm talking about either, though generally I would say I'm talking about the social aspect of it.
I agree that the legal part is the piece of paper, but as I said, what i'm talking about here is completely separate from the piece of paper. You can have the paper without having the emotional bond, and you can have the bond without the paper.
I concurred, marriage is in the heart, yet I still think the ceremony itself is necessary. The ceremony itself is sort of like the down payment for a home, the amount of time and effort (not money) you put in shows how committed you are into the marriage. The reason why money is not necessary is because money does not equal money. Some people are just born richer than others and these people can just pay people to do their job. Whereas effort and time can only be given by the individual. The marriage itself is a life long commitment. If you think about the housing crisis, some people bought homes and didn't put any down payment and when they couldn't afford it, they just left that commitment. Maybe the buying a home isn't a good comparison since you're allow to switch homes half way through.
My parents have been together for twenty something odd years, but I can't say they are happy with each other. They always miraculously find a way to argue with each other. I can see that my dad has been trying to change now, but at the moment my mom keeps on agitating. Of course, everyone has their breaking limit. There comes to a time where one or the other will stop doing the nice things they used to do and think that there's nothing good when you do nice things, so might as well stop. The fact that I've witness this first hand, I am repulsed and I vowed not to be like them. I've learn to be patient and I've learned to never raise my voice under any situation. I remember a quote, a man should be aware of his manner under any setting.
@jenessa1889@xanga - I just believe that it takes both. But, I have respect for anyone who stays comitted and doesn't separate regardless of the circumstances.
@Winsa@xanga - well it definitely didn't take both for them for 12 years
@kawasaki_saiyan@xanga - the amount of time and effort put into the relationship yes, into the ceremony no. planning it out for hours on end, down to the most minute detail is definitely not something every couple does or needs to do (and watching bridzillas for 5 minutes will convince you that it's also not healthy behavior haha).
to me their little beach wedding in casual clothes is the ideal. it seems so much more honest to me. not saying a big ceremony can't be nice, but it's not my personal preference, and I don't think it's necessaryi absolutely agree that marriage is more than just a piece of paper. it makes me so angry when people say "marriage is just a ring and a piece of paper" (but oh, having a kid together is a serious commitment? living together is a serious commitment? doing everything ass-backwards is a serious commitment?! but, i digress.) and that it doesn't mean forever. however, i think the ceremony and the license make it official. like someone else said, you don't really own a house until you put a down payment on it.
@jenessa1889@xanga - i don't really watch much tv, so i don't really know what goes on in bridzillas. but i think effort and time doesn't necessary have to be a bad thing, but the process shouldn't be one sided.
i think a simple beach wedding is just as great. it doesn't have to be a big ceremony. but one where both individual are working towards a common goal. to make it the most memorable night for each other and to set a standard for the days to come.
@kawasaki_saiyan@xanga - oh god, consider yourself lucky. it's basically a show about brides who are so anal about their wedding proceedings being perfect that they treat everyone around them like complete and utter shit for the weeks preceeding. it's a sad commentary on the human condition
Finally, someone gets it. Society though has caused me too many brain haemorrhages to ever hope for marriage again. But after seeing and understanding marriage as an institution I see no point in any courtships that aren't a test for marriage and passing that test before getting overtly romantic/sexual.