I was told I have a problem with the way I think. I believe in not having sex until marriage. Or at least I'd personally know 120% that I'd marry her. I avoid being physical with a girl. I am a normal guy. I think about girls from time to time.
I avoid too much contact because I don't want to be tempted to do things I am not ready for. I am a 228lb guy and I can easily overpower girls but I use that power to teach girls how to protect themselves. I've been in very short term relationships because they would always not like the "pace" I would be going or just find me boring living a clean lifestyle. They would also expect a kiss or something (yes, I haven't given a kiss on the lips yet or have I gotten that taken away from me).
Once I had a girl who kept throwing OBVIOUS signals to do
something "more" with her. It was my longest relationship which we were on and off for over a time span period of 3 years. I refused to have that type of physical contact until I knew I was ready to marry her but I didn't tell her that part of it.
I have a habit of hugging too hard... because I can't stand the way my body reacts to someone I really really like, or in the stage of reaching "love".
My body controls itself. I am afraid if I let go I would do things I am not ready for yet or do things that go against what I believe in. That's why most of the time I teach the girl I like at the time to defend herself against me (always ready for a worst case scenario).
My friends tell me that my relationships all end because I refuse to or am too scared of the physical aspect of the relationship. Is it bad that as a 21 year old guy, I only want the emotional part of a relationship? Are my failures in relationships because of my fear of hurting her or forcing (legally termed: RAPE)/having sex with her? Or is it my fault for not TRULY explaining what it means for me to wait (even though I have explained no one seems to understand)?
What ever happens I just have to wait for tomorrow to maybe find that girl to hold hands while watching the sunset.
Any thoughts? Is there a problem with the way I think?
Recommend
Comments (79)
theres nothing wrong how u deal with the person u love or the value u hold towards it...
is just... society these days changes the value and moral of the people...
and IM SURE, u will find a girl that THINKS exactly like u!
dont give up:)
God will be really happy and he/she will find u a great partner if the time is right:D
Each and there own but imagine getting to the wedding night and discovering your wife is a complete ironing board in bed...
Check out my dating disasters:
http://plentymorefishoutofwater.blogspot.com/
NO!!! there is NO problem with the way you think man!
if a grl dumps you because you ewont kiss her then she didnt respect your way of life! where would that lead to anyway?
im doing the EXACT same thing. only, your doing better because i walready wasted my first kiss. qand i regret it tremendously.
SO DUDE, keep going the way your going. im headed in the same direction, of course ive had a few bumps, and ive already watsed some of myself, but now im doing what your doing.
trust me. theres nothing wrong with the way you think. and if girls cant except that, then they aren;t good enough for you anyway man. and dont forget that relationships are NOT about touching or kissing or even sex.
@PMFoutofwater - but he wouldnt be able to compare it to anything, sicne he would neevr have had sex before right? so it wil be great for him anyway >=D muahaha!
why do you think your going to rape them?? like your scared of losing control???
sounds too me like this is less to do with your beliefs and more to do with you fear of sexuality and of losing control!!!!
why do you think your going to hurt her?? waiting and having solid beliefs is fine but i think the reason why your doing what your doing is pure fear of hurting someone/losing control. which does need addressing. do you personally not want to kiss someone till your married? is this your belief or pure fear?? if its fear it needs addressing or you will always avoid intimacy and that would get you nowhere.
sounds like your scared that the moment you will kiss a girl you are terrified that your sexuality and hormones will overpower you and you will give in and in your eyes all hell will break loose. intimacy issues are not healthy. your letting your fear take over and leaving your beliefs behind in the shadow of fear.kissing does not have to lead to sex... and i think you would have more control than you think! if not then EXPLAIN.
i think your level of morals are truly admirable. not a lot of men in this day and age think you do. most hold the simple idea of "you only live once, so live it up" or something along the lines of not taking this seriously. you're already thinking more maturely and i think you'll find a great girl who'd appreciate you for who you are, and more so, your morals. :)
there's nothing wrong with your way of thinking at all. it's all very respectable.
i would LOVE to have a guy lyk u! omgggg lol
trust me, the way you think is nice :)a) it's not harassment if it's wanted
b) i think it's unfair for you to romantically pursue a girl without telling her what she should expect. (this is a non-issue if you tell her what your deal is after a couple of dates.)
@a_metamorphosis@xanga - Ultimately, I have internal conflict between my heart and body. My self control hasn't been a problem, as of yet. But I was tempted back in the past, a few girls that would just tempt me, trying to BREAK me. I felt like the girl of the relationship, as she threatened to just break my determination and I would just back off from intimacy in the relationship. I felt miserable like I was sexually molested emotionally, but as the years went by it seems the roles have switched in me and part of me wishes for intimacy like holding each other to sleep and what not. Maybe I do have a fear from my past experiences, thinking that I would ultimately become the girls that would try to break me.
But, kissing isn't limited to marriage. I would give my first kiss away but honestly to the girl I would marry in the future. As a person told me: "No one usually truly regrets, NOT doing it." but he was referring to sex.
As to intimacy, I don't deny it, I delay it. I REALLY want to know if I love her before I walk down that path. I want to walk past that plateau and see if I am still attracted to her after all physical attraction is gone. I don't wish to do anything I might regret in the future. As I don't stay in relationships I know won't lead to where I want to such as finding a soul mate/marriage.
@Grace_Zhang@xanga - thanks... I was having trouble and needed some reassurance.
@theawkwardtortoise@xanga - LOL... thanks I am flattered.
nothing wrong with the way you think. my guess is you're internally struggling to figure out whether to let yourself free or to hold on to your belief. when you've figured it out, you shouldn't have any problems with holding on to your belief, being seduced/tempted.
i used to have that struggle too, i was curious like any man. but now i don't have any problems with it. i know what i want and i can fight off any temptations. that's right, i believe in sex after marriage, and yes i'm still a virgin, so what? but my reasons for believing in sex after marriage is quite extraordinary. i believe that sex after marriage have higher chances of creating a long happily ever after marriage. okay, maybe you're thinking that i'm living in a fairy tale, a non-existent world. but to each there own.
but yeah, if your significant other wants something more physical, just think outside the box, you could be physical without actually inserting your head. for example, remember that movie with josh hartnett, 40 days and 40 nights.
i'm kind of impressed that a girl would stay with you for three years without even a kiss. the physical is a rather important part of a relationship, and it's often why marriages between people who abstained fail because they find they are physically/sexually incompatible. you've chosen a pretty difficult lifestyle that statistically has a greater chance of trouble down the road, but i wish you luck.
please, please, please stop with the excuse that "your body controls itself." not true. YOU control your body. you might have urges and feelings that are pretty natural with your self-imposed restrictions, but if you don't think you can be responsible enough to control them then you have no business being in a relationship at all.
i understand better now :) if a girl is trying to break you then you are not compatible. though maybe its because she doesn't understand i would be very confused and i hurt if i felt like a guy i liked didnt want to kiss me. i suppose a kiss means something to different people. if i get too know someone and then we kiss... for me the kiss is a signal to whether we have chemistry or not.
i know chemistry does not = comparability, love or marriage material but for me it reflects something that is an important factor in a relationship. if i kissed someone and there was no spark i doubt i could marry them. i suppose that's why im confused how do you know your compatible or have chemistry if you dont test the waters before you make such a huge decision such as marriage? i understand saving sex for marriage but i personally find physical intimacy a huge factor in getting to know someone and their personality.a kiss and a cuddle too me is so so important and i dont see how you could regret something as innocent and wonderful as a kiss with someone you like. for me when i like someone i consider kissing them. if i loved them then i would consider having sex with them.
intimacy can be very nice and sweet and innocent without you having too give in too something you want too keep for marriage. just my thoughts :) but obviously do whats best for you i just think you shouldn't limit yourself out of fear. you might miss out on someone really special because of your lack of intimacy!! are you assuming once you meet the one you will know... but what happens if you dont and you let her walk away confused at the no intimacy she craves??
i think you should obviously stand by your beliefs and its GREAT you have morals but make sure to assess whether your doing something out of belief or fear and too not lose out on life and close yourself off from some nice people.
i talk alot lol sorryyy
@mercurialmusic@xanga -Well that's one reason why i avoided relationships for a good 4 years, letting go of those raging hormones I had as a teen. I have more self control now. Hopefully.
It was on/off relationship with her.
@a_metamorphosis@xanga - I don't mind you having plenty to say. Well I actually trying to see if the friendship part of a relationship is there. Love and marriage is like trying to build the Leaning Tower of Pisa. The basis of the structure wasn't there yet but was still strong enough to stand, but I am not mistaken the ground is actually making the tower slowly fall, so they had to try to support with other things. Now I am trying to create the tower without the unstable ground.
Well I will walk towards intimacy just later then most guys and girls would expect in the relationship. I am all for the Friend + Lover thing.
Um okay first of all, if you live in the US, 99.99% of girls will quickly end a relationship with you if you make it clear you don't want to kiss them until marriage, or even if you don't want to kiss them until several months or a year has passed. That's just TOO little physical intimacy. I'm in college, and on average my friends tend to start kissing a few days to a month into the relationship. That's what's currently accepted.
And the way you describe your inability to control yourself is frightening to me. The guys I'm with don't "overpower" me or force me to do anything because they care about me, because they would never be able to do something as horrendous as using my body against my wishes. Normal people don't need to stop themselves from sexually assaulting others because it just goes against their natural instinct to respect the bodies of other people.
If a guy ever taught me to defend myself against him, I'd leave. When I get a boyfriend, I expect him use his strength to protect me at all times. I shouldn't have to even worry about ever defending myself against him.
@chanchina@xanga - . i think thats what everyone wants really. best-friends and in love is the grounds for a perfect relationship!! i suppose we both just have different ideas of how to find that person and how we spend our time with them. i like your analogy :) its like if someone's not stable themselves adding someone else to the equation will only make it worse.
any ways good luck!There should be more guys like you in that aspect.
@my_horizon@xanga - I admit this thing was edited to the point I didn't like some aspects and I would like to clarify it. Sure I felt like throwing my sanity away for just intimacy, but the point was I didn't. I walk away.
I teach those girls how to defend against me if they ever found it not to their liking. I never told them it was to defend themselves against me because well like you said it'd be scary. In fact this why I train so hard, it's to protect the one I will care about in the future. I teach them mainly to protect themselves when I am not there or she needs it in a future without me protecting her. Plus it was a great way to bond with certain girls because they were very interested in protecting themselves.
Just because I don't follow what's socially the norm doesn't mean it's wrong. You shouldn't be looking just at a number to say your fat.
I am in college, doesn't mean what you see is correct. I see many people smoking and drinking doesn't mean it's right or I should do it. If I were to follow my friends footsteps, I would have just had sex with each girl I dated in high school within two weeks then throw her away like yesterday's newspaper.
I rather not follow the norm at this point.
@a_metamorphosis@xanga - As my friends told me, You need a miracle. But thanks!!!
i found this entry a tad disturbing; sorry.
are you religious? if not you are gay
@your_best_sex_now@xanga - Sorry Neither.
@chanchina@xanga - yeah I mean that's fine by me. I fully support all lifestyles as long as they don't infringe on anyone else's rights or well-being.
You should realize though that literally only 1/1,000 girls in the U.S. would be willing to be as conservative as you are when it comes to physical intimacy.