Wednesday, 14 April 2010
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Ex Files: Ghost of the Past
There's this guy I've been talking to, and well I actually met him two years ago and back then we had feelings for each other but due to my "run away when he gets too close" and "second-guess everything" type of personality, I walked away. I know I broke his heart but I really hate awkward situations.Two years is a long time, I was young back then and he was years older and we wanted different things. The fact that he was older showed that he wanted a more serious relationship, while being young I still had so many things to learn and discover and I don't know if I was ready for all the limits of a relationship.
So here's the thing, we started talking again and he got out of a relationship this year, and when I met him two years ago the same girl was his ex at the time. When I was out of the picture a few months after or who knows how long, he got back with that girl.
At first I was skeptical because she was there before and after me which made me question if he even liked me at all or went back to his ex because I had left.
It was only a few days ago that I found out him and his ex were together for 7 years. I only thought it was two or three years but when I found out it was 7 I was so surprised, and especially with the fact that he only told me recently when there had been so many opportunities.
He says it isn't a big deal and that the length of time doesn't matter, that he's done with her and all that, but to me 7 years is a long time, I know people move on differently but I can't help but wonder in the back of my mind what he's really about. You can't just act like 7 years meant nothing you know?
And every time I bring it up he turns around and gets mad asking me why I can't let it go. He's been with her so long it makes me wonder how can I compete with her who shared 7 years of his life with? So confused right now.
Am I thinking in to it too much? Is it a big deal? Have any of every felt like you were competing with a ghost of the past?
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Comments (21)
I think you should give him time to get over her, even if he says he already is. The last thing you want is to be a rebound.. and whether he realizes it or not, hes likely not over her completely yet. I would see it as a big deal, too, so this is normal.
@Ashioz@xanga - agreed.
Initially, I felt like I was competing. They weren't together for 7 years (only about 2), but her personality and mine are startlingly similar.
Now, however, I look back on where my fiance came from and go, "hell, he ended up with me and we're happy. Why worry?"
But then...it wasn't a 7 year long relationship.
@Ashioz@xanga - yeah, i definitely agree with you.
I mean, even with my boyfriend . I've been his longest relationship. But it's still hard knowing that there were girls before me, whether they dated or not, that I know he liked / liked him.
[everyI think for
] girl & maybe even some guys, it's hard knowing that someone else was there, for part of that persons life, that you were not. Knowing that at one point they did like each other and spent so much time together. I guess it is as though you are missing out on something that they got to share together. But at the same time you have to realize that even though that is true, they are no longer together, so no matter how much time they had, it wasn't meant to be.
But yes, I definitely think that he hasn't taken the time to actually get over it. Seems to me like he is trying to deny it to himself that it isn't a big deal, rather than to you.He needs to take the time to do so. So you'll probably need to give him some space during that time.
i felt like i was competing with someone all the time.. he was always comparing me to her, and random stuff that i'd do that was way different from her. it bothers me, and it shows.. but he doesn't do anything about it.
i always feel like i'm competing with his past. i know i shouldn't, but i do. i'm insecure like that.
I think you need to let it go cuz you're never gonna win in that competition. Once you do, you'll end up building a relationship with who he is NOW and maybe stay together longer than his seven years with his ex.
You're looking at it negatively.
Instead of saying, he was with her for seven years, How could I ever compete?
Think, wow.. he was with her for seven years, and he'd still rather be with me...
I have been in this situation aswell. He was with the other girl for 4 years then got with me then got back with her. They have been together for 10 years or so now. I have come to the conclusion that I was just a rebound (not necessarily the same thing for you). He has been with that one girl all his life and I reckon he got with me cos he was somewhat curious to what it feels like to be with another girl.
I spent a long time trying to figure things out and after I did, it really wasnt worth the time or effort. It made no difference to my life whatsoever so there was really no point dwelling on something that isnt important anymore. He wasnt the one for me.. so moving on swiftly.. look at whats ahead of you and not back at things which you cannot change :)
my boyfriend is competing with a ghost of the past, but i doubt he knows it. i wouldn't be particularly quick to believe him when he says that. it's not very hard to put yourself first and just lie, when it's something that you don't think should have any bearing on the relationship.
Oh gosh, I am there with you. I can't offer any advice because I'm in the same boat. My bf has been with his ex for FIVE years...and it's always in the back of my mind that I may be the rebound girl. Plus factors for this way of thinking is the fact that he's my first bf and the fact that he's ex is better than me in every aspect...look AND smarts.
The only thing I can tell you is that if you are honestly happy, just be happy. Forget about his ex and think about he fact that he's with you now. Just go with the flow and enjoy yourself! Don't worry about the "what ifs" because if you end up pushing him away with these thoughts, you'll only regret it,
Good luck!
i dont blame u... i think every girl wou;d've felt like u...
just trying to sustained urself not to compare with her.. and trying to be WHO u r:)
den u will b fine:)
I've felt similar because he'd mention her and then I'd feel like I don't have his full heart since in the back of his mind, he'd say things and show signs that he is still missing her. I couldn't deal with it, so I broke up.
@aznsista2envy@xanga - agreed!
The situation I went through was a little different. I was the girlfriend of his past. I dated my SO for 3 years and after we broke up, he immediately rebounded. He said he remembered thinking, "it wouldn't be so bad to fall in love with this girl, there could be worse situations" (totally stupid rationale, I think).
The girl (who is now his ex) was obsessed with me. She would stalk me on Facebook, read every single e-mail/facebook inbox message we sent to each other, send them to herself and delete them from his inbox, untag all pictures of us together, and removed anything that could possibly remind him of me.
Not only was she a crazy person (she ended up pressing charges against him for domestic abuse when it actually had never happened), but he wasn't over our relationship.
After they broke up, we got back together.Then it was my turn. I worried about how he could have been with another girl so fast for so long. I felt like she was still around, in his mind and in his house. Yet since their relationship ended so badly that he had no feelings whatsoever for her.
The point of my novel was, a lot of girls will feel a little haunted by her guy's past. It's not until you let go of it and move forward instead of backwards when the relationship really starts.
Every situation is different, but it seems like your guy would rather be with you than his ex. If he hasn't moved on, you should give him time. You should never feel like you're competing, because obviously things didn't work out between them and it ended.
@starbecks - for the last sentence of your comment... does that mean that if you DO feel like you're competing, it's all in your head? Or that something else is going on with that actual relationship?
@starbecks - in order not to feel this way.. girls should upgrade themself:) make themselve more confident! afterall, boys aint everything!
You should keep building a friendship with him until he's ready to seriously date again. He doesn't want to talk with you about it because he's afraid that if he says something meaningful about the ex, then you'll become hurt somehow. He very well could be done with her, but he needs healing time. A solid friendship is key to building a relationship. He may very well compare you to his ex, but we all do the same with all of our exes. He would never compare you in the sense that he's expecting you to live up to her. Because guess what? You can't. You're not her, you never will be her, and the reason that he's with YOU is because you're not her. He's done with her, he needs something else that was missing from the relationship, and if you two are meant to be, then you will fulfill that. If you constantly compare yourself to this girl, you will drive yourself crazy and ruin the relationship.
It's not seven years, but my bf was with his last gf for three years. Yes, I've wondered if he still thinks about her/compares her to me. He mentioned awhile back that it's good he was dating me because he might've tried to start talking to her again when he found out she was single again. I didn't like that very much, but he said he's much happier with me than he ever was with her, all of his friends like me more, and there's no way he wouldn't date her again (after having dated me). I admit sometimes I still think about it (last night I had a dream... or nightmare maybe, that he got back with her and broke up with me), but usually it's illogical.
My sister was also in a longer term relationship and when I told her what was bothering me, she said that even though she still had good memories with her ex, it had run it's course and it was over... Even though she still loved him, she was the one who ended it because it wasn't meant to be, and she was ready to meet someone else. So, I wouldn't worry too much. I'm sure he still cares about her, because it WAS seven years, but that doesn't mean he wants to BE with her, he is with you. I hope that helps :)
@JaydenWolf@xanga - I love your comment. I need to say that to myself sometimes when I start feeling down.
@aznsista2envy@xanga - Oh dear I guess my thoughts did get muddled towards the end! At times (not all the time) it could be in your head. For me, it was definitely in my head. He was totally detached from his ex and I was overanalyzing the past too much. It put limits on our relationship in the beginning and my happiness was definitely in jeopardy. It wasn't until I decided to just let go and move on when our relationship truly made me happy.
For his ex (while they were going out), although she was an aggressive and obsessive person,she definitely had some reason to worry because my SO was not over me at all (he confessed that he kept comparing her to me) She wasn't the greatest person, but I don't think any girl deserves that. You have to gauge the situation :/. If a guy doesn't seem over his ex (and you see the tell-tale symptoms), that may mean something else is going on.
@ApresAmour@xanga - AMEN! :)
Absolutely. My most recent relationship was very rocky in this respect. When we got together originally, he had only just broken up with her a few days ago, which should have bothered me, but I guess I was just happy to be with him. Then a week after we had been going out, he told me he was breaking up with me. But I talked to him about it more, and he decided he'd stay with me after all. The next morning, he broke up with me again. Again, I convinced him to stay with me, and we stayed together. This pattern went on repeatedly for another week until we broke up for good. Even then he asked me to have him back again since she had rejected him, but I said no.
I definitely felt like I was a replacement for her, which didn't help my already low self-esteem. It wasn't a good relationship for me, so I'm very glad it's over. I don't do very well with being compared to someone else - I need a guy who's fully in the relationship and committed without any thought of the past. I know most people feel that way, but I think I'm especially that way. I'm constantly trying to confirm that people really love me and that I'm really all right, so a flighty guy with another girl on his mind is not good at all. I hate competing with ghosts from the past. It sucks.