Tuesday, 13 April 2010
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What Makes Marriage Last?
I haven't been in too many long-term relationships due to the fact that I feel being financially independent in a career is more important than having a relationship to fill an empty void. I look at my parent's arranged marriage and over the years they have developed feelings for each other but a relationship based on convenience is just that. I can equate an arranged marriage to being a vegan --all of a sudden, because others have pointed out that eating meat is cruel, you decide not to.
My long-time friend is on the brinks of divorce after just a decade of marriage and she married in love. So as a single person it got me thinking, what makes a marriage last? Even when you are in love and try to make it work it falls apart... Pragmatic people may say that marriage takes work and not just love alone but what happens when even that isn't an option? It probably has to do with the foundation of the relationship and the motivation for commitment. In this situation, my friend was a little like a celeb and used marriage to evade her issues and her family but it was based on love and you figure love conquers all.
What do you guys think? Most sensible people will say, a sound foundation of emotional and physical attraction will build a strong relationship with effort along the way. What happens when you grow up together and drift apart? What happens when people decide to change spouses like changing convertibles... What makes a marriage last?
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- From: Parsimony@xanga
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Comments (45)
A foundation of love and trust...not (just) sexual compatibility. That's a perk of marriage, not the basis for it.
As a few friends and I discussed this before, there are plenty of young people who marry for the wrong reasons (a baby being one of the main ones). However, there are also those who marry young who have stayed with each other long after and are still happy. So, what constitutes to a marriage lasting depends on the individuals themselves. Some just want the financial stability while others are family oriented first. It's a question that only the person can decide for themselves, whether they value love and commitment first over something else. Just because one example in a case doesn't work does not mean they are all destined to fail. For me, love, compassion, commitment, determination and drive are the main essentials in making a marriage work. I haven't reached that time in my life yet to get married, so it's still foreign to me on whether or not something works.
It's okay to grow and change. The important thing is to do it TOGETHER rather than apart.
Communication is key. I can talk to my husband about anything that might possibly cross my mind. And a lot of it is perspective. We've had a very rough time of things since we got together - as if anything bad that could happen, did. And we got through all that - together. And now...the small stuff? It's just that. Small. I can't imagine fighting over money or anything like that. Fighting over chores. Whatever it is people fight about.Also, you need your shit together beforehand. Know what you want. Know what you need to do. Know what your dreams are. Then spill about it all to your SO. It's about maturity. And I've seen 18 year old couples who have it and 40 year olds who still don't.
Marriage is easy with the right person. If it doesn't seem easy...or at the very least, a very fun kind of "work"...I'm going to say it's probably not gonna work out.
my own opinion: Love does not conquer all. Love has it's limits.
If you do grow in whether it be a marriage or a relationship you should grow together. Not apart, like recently my case with my now or soon to be ex-girlfriend. She has been apart from me for a few months and she has grown FAR apart from me. She has changed from person A to person E now that drastic of a change really makes me drop my jaw since it is only 2 months time. Imagine what she will change to in 4 years (she will be gone for 4 years) So although I love her I cannot get along with this new Person E, because she no longer is Person A. Anyways I'm digressing, back to OT.
Coming from a person who's not married what I think what makes a marriage last at first is compromise, understanding, communication and of course "love" for each other. Eventually as you grow older together it becomes more of a mutual understanding and settling since you're probably at the age that you realize you have no marketability anymore. That's just my opinion. Yes my view seems a little bit cynical....
Anyways take care!
the commitment is to putting the other before self. if it is my goal to always to what will make my husband happy, he will do the same for me. once one person starts looking out for themself, the other will do the same and a huge gap will come between them. the husband has to work to make the wife feel loved and the wife has to work to make the husband feel respected and everything will be fine.
@radicalsounds@xanga - It's okay to grow and change. The important thing is to do it TOGETHER rather than apart.
This is perfectly exact! Have to work on things together :)
I think it's about picking the right person.
I think if you find someone you're compatible with, someone who is also your confidante and would be your best friend even if you weren't attracted to them, someone who you could fall in love with over and over.... who would become a part of your family.
To me, marriage is not a relationship status. It's not like having a boyfriend. It makes that person a part of your family, and binds them into your life forever. It isn't something anyone should take lightly.
Honestly, love does not conquer all. Love isn't enough. You have to be friends, compatible, able to talk and communicate and willing to adjust yourself and your ideas.
but, to be fair, I'm 18 and consequently everything I'm saying is a guess. :D
Duh everyone knows what makes a marriage last. It just takes actually doing it. Which is where the average "sensible" person loses all, well, sense. Then again some marriages are destined to fail; and you can't really do anything about that now can you...
I think when both people want to make it last it will last, if one chooses to give up when they're facing a challenge... then of course they will fail... I think most people these days know that a divorce is available and easy to get so, they put less effort into making things last. My parents have been through their share of up and downs but the fact that they believe divorce is never an option plays an important role in their marriage. they may argue, fight (never physical), probably go through dry spells, and w/e else may come their way but they've been married for 35 years and are still going strong.
You have to have related goals, beliefs, and a commitment to one another. Marriage is economic, social, sexual, and romantic. All of these areas need to be covered I think, and often times people just focus on the romantic or romantic and sexual and think it will last.
@sarahzthoughts@xanga - THANK YOU. something intelligent to say about sexual compatibility, finally.
@radicalsounds@xanga - i agree with this.
compatibility with everything
@deathtemplar@xanga - That sucks dude. I went through that too. What can you do when you stay the same but they change from what was compatible with you to something different? Good luck.
You can't predict at the start of a marriage whether it will last. Everyone thinks their marriage is the one that is going to last forever and that everyone else is doing something wrong. But here are the facts:
1) Love is not always enough. Nor should it always be. If you're in a marriage where you are treated like shit or you two just don't get along anymore, it's probably best to split. One reason this kind of stuff happens so much is that people think love is a good enough reason to get married. But there are plenty of other factors that should be thought about when deciding to get married.
2) People change. This is a big reason why marriages don't last. Sometimes you marry someone, and then later in their life they change so much that you barely recognize them. This isn't really anyone's fault; sometimes people just feel the need to change. But sometimes after these changes, you just don't feel as connected to them as you used to. This is something that can't really be controlled either.
I don't think there's any way to guarantee a marriage will work out, but there are ways to improve your chances. Make sure your goals are compatible with that of your SO. Be with your SO for a good amount of time so you can get to know them, and live with your SO for a while to make sure you're compatible in that way. Above all, understand that a marriage takes work, and love isn't the only thing that goes into a successful marriage.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails.
And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
1 Corinthians 13: 4-13
In these days, it isn't safe to say a marriage will last forever, but as someone else said, you can improve your chances and be that couple who has been married for 50-75+ years and still love each other. As each day passes, be yourself, have similar goals as your SO, individually do your own thing but also do things together, respect and communicate with them, perhaps show them once a week that they are something special to you in how they feel loved (physical affection, gifts, quality time together)...
Do that and it'll go more smoothly, it's as simple as that. Not to say relationships are a walk in the park, cause they are not. It does take work. You put the time in, you'll get back more and then some.
@Liquid_Pain_523@xanga - This is pretty false. John Gottman has done a lot of research on marriages and can predict the longevity of a marriage. By watching a couple talk for around 15 mins on any subject he can predict with above 90% accuracy whether that couple will still be married 10-15 years later. Its pretty interesting and has to do with a display of emotions that flash very quickly across each partner's face in the conversation. Gottman has an institute dedicated to this kind of research and this little tidbit I read about in Malcolm Gladwell's book "Blink".
Love is a decision.
I think marriage is a promise that means NO MATTER what. And as someone else said that means making it not about you and what you want but what is best for your marriage and your spouse. Other than God nothing can be more important than your relationship. That means it isn't about how you feel on the bad days, weeks, months, years, it is about sticking it anyway because that is what you promised to do. And because I feel this way that is why I place so much importance on being best friends, and loving each other, and compatiblity, because if you are sticking it out no matter what life will be a lot more pleasant if you always love that person rather than sticking it out with someone you can't stand after awhile.
@PopStar48@xanga - I read an article the other day on msn.com--wish I remembered who wrote it and such, but it said that his method was faulty because there are too many variables he can't account for and because he hasn't been doing his studies over a long enough span of time. It was a lot of mathematical and scientific terminology I didn't totally understand but basically it was explaining why his research has been considered interesting, but why it doesn't truly work.
also...as a disclaimer to what I said earlier, while I think you should never get a divorce no matter what happens, the notable exceptions are abuse and infidelity.
And what I really think is crazy is why do people even bother with vows anymore when apparently 50% of people don't take them seriously. As a promise that you can't break.
I think it's important to clarify what "work" is, when people say it takes work to make a relationship last. "Work" *should* be things like just making sure you're setting aside time for each other, and finding things outside of the home to do together (this gets hard after respective careers balloon, and kids come into the picture). Work should NOT be having to drag your partner to activities, and having to cajole and plead for anything related to the two of you. I know too many young couples who are dating and really don't like being with each other. I don't understand it, but I guess they feel like they need to "work" at it.
I'm not married, but I think commitment is important. I think too many people let it end after the "spark" is gone, or maybe something difficult happens and the person changes. So you work THROUGH that if you are married. It's supposed to be a life-long COMMITMENT, not... I'm tired of dealing with this person, so I'm just going to let it go. I also think both parties should be willing to understand the other person. If the wife wants the husband to spend time with her, than he should set aside some time, and vice versa... if the husband needs some time to himself, then the wife should let him have that. So, I guess it's about not being completely selfish and taking the time to work through things and having empathy... Of course, my longest continuous relationship is the one I've been in for 7.5 months, so I could be wrong here :)
Learning to understand that change is inevitable and that people will change, good or bad, because you can't expect your partner to stay the same and you can't expect that you won't change either. And if you can work through those differences to come to some common ground, then you've overcomed a major step to a lasting marriage. Of course the basics as well, being in love with one another, you can have love in a marriage but that doesn't necessarily equate to being in love romantically, trust, faithfulness, communication, and honesty.
@Jane - Unfortunately, I can't find the article either. I googled "John Gottman criticism msn" and found absolutely nothing to prove your claim. And John Gottman has been doing research for over 20 years now, is that not a long enough time?
mutual understanding / financially stable