Sunday, 11 April 2010
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I Said I Would Wait, But...
So, I've only had one serious relationship in my life(with one minor "thing" otherwise). It also happens to be the relationship that I had all my firsts in... including sex. At the beginning we both wanted to wait until marriage. We ended up waiting just over a year, which I later accepted as being fine. He was my first love, eventually my best friend too. I was in love so I accepted the fact that I didn't wait. The only guilt I had that it was against my religion, but in the end, I was happy. He was the only one and the only one for me. I planned for it to stay that way... but I told myself that in the event of our break up, I would wait till marriage from then on.Well here I am. Two years after my first time, three years of a relationship down the drain, I'm wondering what I really will do. I mean... if I do wait, I never have to worry about STDs or pregnancy until I'm married(please no cheating husband!). Next, I'm following what my religion says I should do, even if it's a little late. Finally, I can feel okay with myself about the fact that the only other guy I've been with, besides my husband, is my first love. In my opinion, that's not so bad, morally. I also don't like the idea of having comparisons. To me, sex is special. Doing it with a lot of others can make it too easy to ... almost grade the performance. The only comparison will be against my first love, and I hope that I can overcome that. But if I have to deal with a bunch of experiences with other men, I don't know if my future husband or if even I will feel as comfortable or as happy with sex.
Even with my strong opinion, I wonder though... I don't care for one night stands or sex on the third date. On the other hand, what about those who date (officially) for months and then do the deed? Being in a relationship makes sex more acceptable to me, but I've always figured that it should take a long time before that happens. If I waited a year(like with my ex), would that be enough time, even then? I kind of envy the people who can have passionate sex with a few partners and still end up having a happy sex life when married. I just don't know if I would be comfortable after that... or if I would feel good as a person.
Looking at it another way, what happens if I do enter another relationship? Who's going to want someone who's waiting, after they've already done it? Or what if I do date a guy for a while and then realize that I want to? I could love him too, but that doesn't guarantee the relationship will work out. Then I'll be up to three men and end up even more heartbroken. If I keep that up, the number could get higher than what I like. I'll feel whore-ish... or maybe that has to do with my ex-boyfriend who also thinks sex shouldn't be taken lightly.
I worry that part of my anxiety on this matter is caused by the idea that he could come back at some point in my life... and that he'll find out what I've done and not want me. Once he told me that if we broke up and I had sex with someone else, we'd never be together again. Then again it occurs to me that he may find me again some day and have had sex with someone else... would I take him back if he did it? Should he even matter?
Do I wait because it's safer for my heart and mind? Be free and have fun? Do I do what I want within each new relationship or keep the same rule on all of them? What would YOU do in my situation?
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- From: ApresAmour@xanga
- Name: ApresAmour
- About Me: Sometimes I have too many thoughts. Sometimes I just want to share with the world. So here I am. I'm a college girl trying to get away from gray and looking for the sun again. ♥
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Comments (39)
If I were you...I'd re-evaluate whether or not you still believe in your religion. It would be better to disregard it entirely than to just pick and choose which parts of it you think are important and ignore all the rest. And being "free" and "having fun" in regards to sex isn't doing yourself or others any favors. It's setting yourself up for disappointment, heartache, and a life of "me first" indulgence.
I'd continue that "wait for at least a year" thing.. as long as there's a best friend in your current lover.
Look: if having sex with multiple people makes you feel whorish and guilty, then you shouldn't do it. Sex is special; it's awesome that you think so. In this case, you're not just following your religion for no reason, you agree that abstinence until marriage would be better for your life. So that's what you should be doing. =)
It doesn't matter what others would do in your situation. You are a smart kid, you can take care of this one on your own!In my opinion, I think things come when you are ready. It is no need to think of all the "what ifs" if they have not happened yet. Who's to say your first will come back or will not come back?? I feel that you should follow your heart and dont let the "hype" of sex fill your mind. You seem like a pure person inside and out... leave it that way bcus like the above (sarahzthoughts) said you will be set up full of hearaches ect... Yes live life but that does not have to include sex..unless in your heart and in yourOWN reasons that is what you choose. Stay true to yourself hun! PS: I think you rock for being so particular with who you let in. sex IS special... please remember that!! So many ppl forget that fact!
You have to take each relationship as it comes, because what is true and good for one relationship may not be good and true in another.
hmm, well going against your boundries in your first relationship was a bad idea.
id say just stick to what you want. have u ever heard that sex is like duct tape? ( or was that something else? lol im not sure )
but anyway, if i was you i wouldnt use sex to lightly. in fact, im not evcen going to get close to it. im not kissing anybody ya know? thats how important i think the whole relationship deal is. hahaaha
so hey, think about whats RIGHT, then do that. thats what i would do =]
good luck!!
Do what makes you feel comfortable and happy. Don' be rushed or forced into anything you don't want to do. Each relationship has different aspects and ways of working out, so you would have to adapt to those changes, and in the mean time, your opinion and views on things can change as well. Be open minded, but also know what you want and don't want.
@kimberly - your cool!! ^^ =D
If you're a Christian, why not wait because you know that's God's will for you? If you're not a Christian, then just do what you feel led to do.
@kimberly - Great response. :)
It doesn't matter what any of us think, it's what you are comfortable with.
I may have understood this incorrectly, but your post reads as though you feel guilty for having sex, so I'll start there. First of all, stop feeling guilty about having sex. It's natural, everyone has the drive to do it. Do you honestly believe that any all-loving deity would damn you for this? Do you honestly believe that, when you find someone you'd give your all for, you can't have meaningful sex with them if you've already slept with a few other people? There is nothing wrong with connecting physically with multiple people. On the contrary, it will make you more adventurous, more open to new things, and more vocal about what you like and how you can maybe increase the pleasure for your partner.
Honestly, I don't think you feel guilty about having sex. I think you feel guilty because your religion tells you to feel guilty about it. You are not a lamb, you are a free thinking, free feeling human being and you can make your own decisions. Do not ever let some book tell you what you should and should not feel.
And if you don't feel guilty...If the person you love can not accept the fact that you've slept with someone else, then they are probably not the person for you. If they can't accept that small little bit of you, then there are going to be bigger problems down the line. By that time, you might be married - what then? Even bigger problem.
Again - don't let someone anyone or anything tell you how to feel, or how to be human. You're the only one who knows what you're comfortable with, which means that you're the only one that can make these decisions.
My religion teaches against premarital sex. However, I personally wouldn't see anything wrong with having sex with someone if you're in a long relationship and feel comfortable. As long as you're in a long and serious relationship and can talk openly with your partner, I don't think there's anything morally wrong with that. I'm 18 and still a virgin. The way i see it, if you really love your husband and he loves you, it's not going to matter who you had sex with or how many times... love kind of covers all flaws.
But... it doesn't sound like this is your philosophy. Sex is special... and personal. Therefore no one can really tell you what to do or steer you because it's a personal decision. You need to do what's comfortable for you. You shouldn't let a boyfriend make you feel badly for how you feel, and there's no wrong or right in this.
if you meet someone you love, make the decision then. you don't have to have all your shit planned out now, don't worry about it.
Do what makes you feel comfortable. Just because you had sex with someone doesn't mean you're a whore. You're not disrespecting yourself if you have sex with someone who isn't your husband.
Sex is a wonderful act that bonds two people together. Obviously your body and how you view yourself is important to you, so if waiting until you're in a relationship before you have sex again makes you happy, then do it.
If you feel uncomfortable, then just wait. Sex is supposed to be enjoyable, not something you should regret or feel guilty about. If you wait, what's the worst that can happen? You won't feel guilt or regret or like you have gone against your beliefs. Only do what you feel is right.
You say 'be free and have fun' if you do not think that you have freedom in your religion, that's not exactly a good thing. I think that different people define the word 'fun' differently. To me it seems like if you have sex before marriage then you will feel really terrible about it. That doesn't sound like much fun.
I totally believe in revirginization.
If you don't want to have sex again until you're married, why should you have to?
Whatever choice you make, make sure you're doing it because it's what you want to do.
x
just do what you think is right and stick to what you believe in.
WOW... my cousin sent me this blog as a link because we pretty much went through the exact same thing.
My ex and I are relatively religious and wanted to save ourselves, but after 16 months I lost it to him, my first love, best friend.. etc etc. We dated for 3 and a half years, and then I broke up with him almost exactly a year ago. Since then I've only had one kinda thing, with this guy, but that was months ago, while my ex has had a week long sexual love affair with a girl with relatively low morals, and is now in a longer term relationship with a really pretty girl he's planning on living with next semester.
I've semi-casually dated, but nothing big, and majority of my friends know that I'm practicing abstinence again. Personally, it's helping me focus on me again, and I've been able to get all of my ex bf out of my system with time. He on the other hand still calls me "in order to keep his sanity" because his current gf is harder to handle than I was. After he finishes complaining about her, he says things like I still always know what to say and that I am a form of emotional support. For the sake of friendship I listen and try to help him out, but pretty much know he's not for me, mostly because of the immature way he handled our break up and how he tripled his list of sex partners since then.
I still view sex as sacred, as my religion says, it feels awesome yea, but I see it as a total expression of self gift, and I'm not one to give myself to just anybody. I'm waiting for the guy who professes his love to me in front of an altar till death do us part. If guys don't want to date me because I'm abstaining... well they obviously weren't meant to be the guy I'm waiting for right?
Funny how our situations were so similar. Good luck with your decision.
If someone doesn't want you based on the sole reason that you want to wait until marriage, then they don't want you for you. And that makes them not worth it.
Nobody is ever gonna give a crap if you think of yourself as a whore. The only time it comes into play is if you start acting like it. Your dilemma is that you are a hypocrite, trying to justify yourself. Even if you make them work for it, you still failed to wait for marriage, and nobody is gonna give a crap if you lost it to your first true love or not. The problem is you don't want a man like you, you failed, you want a man better than you. You want a man who is still waiting for marriage. But you are hoping he will be the kind of man to except your self justification, because if not you will have to except how truly worthless you have made yourself, and your love. Please forgive me, I'm extremely bitter.
the pre-marital sex debate, that's a new one...
but in all seriousness, having sex should not make you feel like a whore, a bad person, etc.
if there's any doubt in your mind whether or not to have sex, i'd say wait.
as you've pointed out, just because you lost your virginity doesn't mean you have to keep having sex.
if you feel you should wait, then wait.
as far as future relationships go, if he loves you he'll respect your decision to wait.
& don't let your ex control your decisions;
if you know it's over between the two of you, then just move on, & do what you're comfortable with.
@sarahzthoughts@xanga - I guess everything else in my relationship I still believe in and I want to... so I guess I should keep to it now. It's just hard after being... on the other side of this now, not "pure" so I wonder if I should throw that part of it away or just come back to it...
@kimberly - @NMyOwnWords@xanga - thanks.. it's just weird I guess since I feel like people expect me to not make a big deal about it
@Thatslifekid@xanga - @laytexduckie@xanga - I'm thinking of waiting for a relationship and then seeing how I feel... as of now I might go with abstinence and hope that I can be true to that when the time comes.
@AceValentineRocks@xanga - I don't mind if he's not waiting... I wouldn't expect to get better than me, though it sounds nice now that you mention it. Still, I do have expectations, someone in a similar range 2-3 maybe?
And I don't feel worthless. I wish my ex would be my husband rather than wishing that I had waited until my husband. If you can make sense of that. He was a great guy and hopefully still is, just trying to figure his life out now(though I'm obviously not happy about breaking up).
Doesn't really matter what we think. People who like sex will probably endorse having sex, people who believe in no sex till marriage will probably take that stand. And some people will be in the middle about it.
Once you get into your next relationship you'll figure it out then. While you're with him you'll be constantly thinking about it, and whether you should abstain or get it on. At some point you'll make a decision and then you'll know your answer.
If you want to wait until marriage in subsequent relationships you still can. Just because you've already had sex doesn't mean you can't stop. It's called being celibate and it's just as much of a commitment as being abstinent.
If you still have your convictions you probably don't want to go around having casual sex just because you've already had sex. Once you're in a relationship again, you'll probably have to take that relationship as it comes, like you did with you previous one, if you end up having sex but it was a well thought out decision within a serious relationship then don't beat yourself up about it. If you change your ideals to only having sex within the confinds of a serious relationship, that's still being very responsible because most people don't do that.
For myself, I'm practicing abstinence, but I've never been in a serious relationship so I haven't yet had any real bad temptation to have sex. And part of my decision to remain abstinent does have to do with religious conviction but that's not the only reason. Most of my reasons are more personally moral - that I do not want to have to deal with STDs and pregnancy. I don't want to have to deal with a lot of the drama that comes with sex within a relationship and I don't believe in casual sex.
I honestly believe that conviction alone doesn't keep most people from having sex. Because for me, it the other reasons that I've developed as my own opinion that keep me grounded.
So I think your best bet is to develop your own set of ideals, outside of conviction as to why you want to wait.