I've been dating my SO for about a year and half. Things are going wonderfully and for the first time in my life, I think I've found *the one*. We just click on so many levels and its great to finally find someone that gets me so well. There is, however, one problem. My boyfriend didn't have much sexual experience before he met me. He wasn't a virgin, but he never had a stable sexual relationship, just flings and hookups.I've only had sex in the confines of a relationship. My previous two partners were also great in bed and we were very compatible sexually.
My current SO and I, however, don't seem to be sexually compatible what-so-ever.
We have good sex, but not great. He's kind of shy, so its nothing too spontaneous or risky, which is what I'm into. I've tried to get him to open up by suggesting certain ideas or taking the dominating role, but it never seems to work. He's always rejecting the ideas I come up with. This, in turn, leads me to feel undesirable and him feeling inadequate. It’s a vicious cycle. All I want to do is have wild, spontaneous sex with him. Is that too much to ask for?
Also, in my previous relationships, we would have sex practically everyday. In this current one, I'm lucky if we do it twice a week. (However, in the beginning of the relationship, we would have sex more often).
I don't want this to ruin our relationship because I love him so much, but I feel like we are going down a slippery road. I want to work through this with him, and not give up.
Do any of you have SO's with significantly lower sex drives than you? What are some suggestions you'd make?
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Comments (51)
It's really common for sex to taper off after hitting the year mark. Life gets in the way, it sucks. BUT, open communication is really the only way to get what you want in the bedroom. Let him know that he's not inadequate, but you'd like to spice things up a little. Not every time, just have him gradually ease into things. It worked for my girlfriend and me, she wanted to be more dominate and it just had to gradually work up to that for me to be comfortable with letting her have that kind of control.
Gosh dang people put so much emphasis on sex.
If I don't want it at a certain time, my boyfriend deals with it. If he doesn't want it at a certain time, then I deal with it. This is called compromising. There are more important things in life. It's going to be okay, nothings perfect, and if everything else lines up, then this eventually will too. Just be sure and consider his thoughts on this, and by consider, I mean ask him how he feels about it.
Being open and honest, as well as being flexible, are the keys to a successful relationship, sexual or otherwise. This so-called "sexual incompatibility" is not so much a biological issue as it is a psychological one.
You have to be able to talk, and be able to be very, very open. Both of you. If he's rejecting your ideas...ask him what his are. If he doesn't want to have sex as often as you...see if he prefers a different time of day to have sex (e.g., you have sex 2x/week at night...how about throwing in a few days of morning sex, or lunch break sex, etc.). Let him know you're feeling inadequate. Let him know what you want. Let him know that you're open to what he might want to try. And tell him that if he is willing to try some of your ideas, it doesn't mean he needs to be totally into it. Say you have one fantasy he finds weird or uncomfortable. See if he's willing to try it just once - if it doesn't go well, you scratch that one from the books and try something new next time. Know what I mean? It's workable - but you BOTH have to be willing to work on it.
I'm not one for sex before marriage (I have to say this because it's where I stand) BUT, my advice to you? Stay with it. If he's "the one" then he's "the one" and no one else will ever be "the one"...
Honestly, neither my husband NOR I were sexually experienced (We were actually both virgins) and it's actually taken us two plus YEARS to really start to get those things revved up. But boy, now that we have, we're starting to take off. Honestly? Patience is a virtue, and you know what? It'll be a sweet hallelujah when it happens.
I also agree with some of the other posts, pick up some books, look into toys, etc.
So, he rejects the ideas you come up with. Does he at least do it nicely? I really don't think that the importance of good sexual compatibility can be overestimated. It's kinda a big deal.
I'm not saying you should break up with him, but if things don't improve, you might want to reconsider the very long term.
I also have a much higher sex drive than my boyfriend, and many of my turn-ons are not his favorite thing. However, I don't think the difference in sex drive is necessarily a problem (that's what masturbation is for); the more troubling issue is that "he's always rejecting the ideas" you come up with.
When you say always, are you exaggerating or do you mean it literally? I would be worried if my partner wasn't willing to compromise in some fashion and at least TRY something I suggested --or even if he didn't want to try it as is, I would expect him to make an alternative suggestion that was more amenable (eg if I wanted blindfolds and he wasn't comfortable with it, but agreed to a compromise of simply keeping his eyes shut). I don't think sexual experience is necessary, but I do think it's important that partners are open with each other about their wants/likes/dislikes and that they're both willing to compromise in order to please each other.
Keep talking to him! If everything else is great and you guys communicate well with each other, then you should be able to talk through this. Ask him why he doesn't like your suggestions, tell him how it makes you feel, ask him what he would prefer, etc.
dont conpared this relationship to your previous.. big no no. but try to hold off on sex and not give him any when HE wants it, Make him wait til he goes crazy haha
All I want to do is have wild, spontaneous sex with him.
Have you actually ever told him those words?
Do it
I don't think sex should be so important that it could potentially ruin your relationship =\ sex isn't everything.
@aYumi3x@xanga - Agreed. It's sad the world we live in. =/. And it's only going to get worse before it gets better.
i dont think sex s that important
@music_of_the_heart08@xanga - Sex may not be everything (believe me I know, I'm still a virgin) but it is important when considering a long term relationship. Sexual "compatibility" whatever may cause that, biology or the brain, is something to not be taken lightly.
I'm actually on the other side of the spectrum here. Until I met my SO, I thought my sex drive was pretty good, but then we started having sex and I realized that he wants to do it ALL THE TIME, while I'm okay with a couple times a week. I mean, a couple times is more than some married couples and we've been seeing each other for about a year and a half now.
So, my only advice, such as it is, is to tell him how you feel, and maybe you can sub sex for something. Maybe massage or just plain making out. :P
Normal for the guy to lose his sex drive after a while. It usually goes in waves, after a year or two it will die down, then maybe 6 months later it'll be back like when you first got together...then once you get married it will just die completely heh (last part is a joke...since I'm not married I can't say for sure).
Don't worry about the sex so much, if you obsess over it it will drive you nuts and add other problems to your relationship. If you've got everything else going on with him then just back off on the sex for a while, after a while he might get more comfortable with sex and doing other things.
sex with my SO kind of took a nose dive after the one-year mark as well, i think it's just common.
one, don't fool yourself into thinking that every couple does it once a day. i thought we were kind of slowing down at 2-3 times a week until i shared that with some of my friends... they said i was lucky :P
two, if he's turning down your ideas it may be time to ask him for his own. plan a special evening... dinner, romantic movie, whatever you two do personally to get in that mood. then just simply say, "i know i've been pushing you to try a lot of things lately, and i understand if they don't sound interesting to you. so tonight, i'm letting you dictate what goes on. within reason, i'll do pretty much whatever you ask of me *wink*" it will take the pressure off of you, because you'll know that whatever is going on, he's 100% happy about it. and it will kind of put the ball in his court. as they say, it takes two to tango... and from what you posted, it doesn't sound like he's putting in much effort.
You're lucky you're having it twice a week. I'd prefer once a week at the minimum, but right now, it's about twice a month. Suppose it's like that after you hit the year, year and a half mark.
Just don't concentrate on the sex solely. Seems to happen when you're engrossed in doing your own thing, and also spending time together just you and him. Just relax and go with the flow.
To those who say "sex isn't everything": that is you putting your opinions on someone who may be completely different from you. Sex CAN be everything, or at least a very high priority, to certain individuals.
I think I may be older than most of your commenters. I have been with my spouse for 12 years and we are sexually incompatible. I saw signs of this early on and I chose to ignore it, thinking in the idealistic way that many of your commenters seem to. However, because sexual interaction is very important to me, it has only become more of an issue. My response is that if you are having red flags early in a relationship, LISTEN TO THEM. Listen to yourself. It doesn't mean that the relationship cannot work, but it does mean that something is going to need to change. If you are unhappy now and you stay with him, your unhappiness in this area will only increase and possibly lead you down a path that you never intended. I speak from experience, girl.
I thought this too, when my BF and I first met. Turns out all we needed was communication and practice, practice, practice!! We're about to round 1 year (officially) and we're having awesome sex, when we do have sex. :) So hang in there, keep trying, and most importantly talk to him!
We need more about your conversations. "He's always rejecting the ideas I come up with." Seriously? Always? Why? How do you put them? What is he into? How balanced are your conversations? We need more--MORE--info in order to see what your conversational dynamic is like. It's all about how you talk about this stuff, not what you do in bed or "how often he wants it" or some stupid unthought stereotypical crap about "the sex gets less hot after a year."
Communication is key here!
Never, ever, ever compare your sex life with your current SO to other, past relationships! That is totally unfair to him, especially if you don't LET HIM KNOW that you're unsatisfied. He won't reject you if you let him know how sexy you think he is and that you want to jump his bones.
Good luck.
Has he ever tried the things you suggest, or does he just say that he refuses to try them? If it's the latter, then he's pretty close-minded. I recently did some things in bed I never thought I'd be into, but they were a lot of fun. He could surprise himself if he decides to try them. If it's the former, then he's just not into it, and there's not much you should do. In fact, pushing him to do something he doesn't enjoy doing, even if you enjoy it a lot, puts you in the wrong in this situation.
I find that in the beginning of a relationship, sex tends to always be better and much more spontaneous. I guess it's because both parties are getting to know one another and in the process, you have more sexual tension and attraction. But that doesn't mean that as the relationship progresses and becomes more serious, sex should feel less pleasurable or undesirable.
Based on his sexual history and personality in general, he's never had a real relationship where he could actually enjoy the meaning of sex. Random hook-ups and flings are just meant to do the deed and get on with it. It has no meaning or feeling and in result, he probably views sex in this perspective altogether. If he's not comfortable opening up or trying different things then start off slow and slowly build your way up. Dress up in sexy lingerie and try to seduce him or spice it up a bit and dictate naughty things you want him to do. But if this doesn't work and he turns down the gesture, then expressing how you feel and how this is going to affect your relationship is the only way he'll either change or not.
It sucks when the relationship has to come to an end over sex so definitely communicate with him and hopefully you two can come to some sort of compromise without the risk of losing each other.
That's something I'm afraid of. I want to wait till marriage. What if I get married and we are sexually incompatible?
I'm not really a sex person. I've only had one partner that I was semi-serious with. Maybe we didn't match up at all.
Sure, I get all in the mood sometimes in the dead of winter, and I'm not going to ask why. I ain't done the deed - pretty close. From what i have done, I can tell you I'm quiet and not a lot of fun. No screaming like my neighbor did back home, no wild rolls around, no up against the wall. I did kiss once in a way to piss my dominating boyfriend off. I win; you lose. That was it. Now he knows what it feels like to be violated.
If sex is important to you, I"m not your gal. I'm probably not your gal anyway due to how I don't advertise but if wicked, wild sex is what you want down a slippery slide of sloshy slashing of tongues tangled and ornament organs playing pleasure, I'm definitely not the one.
Nobody will be converting me either, even if we do match up. Enjoy porn.