Arranged marriage has always intrigued me. I know couples who have married according to their family's wishes and I know a lot of couples who married because they loved each other.
Of course culture is the determining factor of whether an arranged marriage happens or not. Here in this great country we live in, we have a freedom of choice that is (most of the time) respected. Even if our parents disagree with our choice of a potential mate, we have the ability to do what we want.
However, in many Eastern cultures where community comes before the individual, a person will marry an appointed fiance or fiancee in order to please his or her parents and the community.
Although South Korea does not really practice prearranged marriages as often, my parents have been trying to get my brother to see this one girl in a new, possibly romantic light. Jennifer* graduated from Columbia, went to Yale for Law and is leading a very successful career. She is also religious and comes from a well-to-do family.
The only problem is, my brother and I grew up with Western views so my brother has been trying to evade any Jennifer-related discussions. He does not feel the need to ultimately please our parents when he himself does not feel pleased.
Arranged marriages are seen as a social and economic necessity in which love is not the premise of the marriage. To be passionately in love is wonderful, but to many Easterners love doesn't seem stable enough to lay out the foundation of a marriage. Could this be why western countries have higher divorce rates?
Of course, arranged marriages can fail too. When a person truly believes that they must marry the person he or she loves, a pragmatic marriage will probably make that person unhappy. But that doesn't mean love doesn't exist in arranged marriages. I have discovered that couples who are pragmatically married learn to love each other more and more over the years, creating a healthy, stable relationship.
Marriages that are not prearranged can create healthy and stable relationships, also. Intelligent people know how to make a marriage work. But can emotions truly be the deciding factor when our moods can change as often as the weather?
What do you think about arranged marriages? Could your view on it be culturally-biased? Would you rather please your parents or yourself and your SO? Do you think love is the only factor to propel a couple towards marriage?
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Comments (33)
Could this be why western countries have higher divorce rates?----
I believe that there is some weight in this statement. -
It seems to me, that too many people in western coutries put their basis in marriage on how the other person makes them "feel", instead of actually working out the things necessary to "marry"... So often we hear, "We fell out of love," - My question is, why does that make it okay to divorce? Marriage isn't about a "feeling" of love, it's about comittment, and learning to love/respect one another until death. I can tell you that my parents have had it rough, and trust me, there were several YEARS that my mom didn't feel "in love" but she's stuck it through, because of dedication, promise, and heart, and you know what? Because she's honestly and truthfully "trying", she's starting to feel "in love" again...
Love isn't a "feeling" it's a decision/choice.
i saw some where that children like..8 years old or whatever have arranged marriages. Once at that age and another when they're older to make their own vows or whatever. I thought that was interesting and cute. At this age and maturity level that i'm in..I would think someones absolutely madd for wanting to marry me. I would think somethings wrong with them and that would definitly make me push them away and find someone else. I think in the end when it comes to pleasing you or your parents,you always want to please your parents but sometimes you dont get the same effect on your part. Pleasing yourself should always be top priority. You have to live with yourself and whoever you choose to spend your life with so why not do what makes you happy
Like everything else in this world, it has its pros and cons. My best friend's parents are from Iran... they met and two days later, they were married. They knew that it was part of their custom.
It'd be pretty interesting to see what kind of guy my mom/dad would bring in for me to marry...
There's some truth to it, for sure. I think it's bad advice to just "do what makes you happy," when so much of life isn't about you.
Just a side note:
My grandparents had an arranged marriage (they were Chinese villagers who ended up emigrating to the US). And they were happily married for around 60 years until my grandfather died.
I think arranged marriages that actully work out because the married couple learns to get along and really love each other make the BEST romance stories/situations.
I know many parents who ahve worked out this way.
My grandparents however didnt work AT ALL and it ended badly for both my gparents and all their kids/the whole family. So.....
theres good and bad.
@Winsa@xanga - I think that the reason why there are fewer divorce rates is because (at least in my culture), when you have an arranged marriage, you're not just marrying your partner. In a way it's like you're marrying your in-laws as well. And to break off ties and divorce is seen as a huge disgrace. My parents had an arranged marriage and I think that a lot of the couples among their generation probably did face issues like spousal abuse, but didn't want to bring any dishonor on their families. It sounds very archaic but unfortunately it's quite common.
Of course, there are always the exceptions. People can grow to love each other in arranged marriages and that is comforting.
@imyourstargirl@xanga - IT's an interesting point to consider. :)
If people are willing to get MARRIED just to please their family/community, don't you think that's the same reason they'd NEVER get divorced?
staying married ≠a happy, good marriage. being forced into marriage is the same thing that keeps them in it for the long haul.
dislike =..="...
it there life
but if they want to please there parent that much why NOT?
I would argue with my parents, but I understand they grow up seeing it's Okay and a good thing, so to them it's okay most of the time.
I don't think I could ever be in an arranged marriage.
Sometimes desperation is the true cause for arranged marriages. My SO's brother is 34 and the mom is trying to scout out girls for him to date because she is afraid that her son is running out of time to find a suitable mate. However, I also know a Korean man who had a family arranged marriage but it worked out for them. He is very happy and loves his wife. So arranged marriages can work out if you grow to truly love the one you are arranged with.
My ex boyfriend's parents were an arranged marriage. They give him and his 3 other siblings a choice to not have an arranged marriage only if they only date within their Vietnamese race, SOL for me that I happen to be Filipina. They never really liked me very much and they highly disapproved our relationship. Well the relationship ended and funny because he's currently dating another Filipina.
I could never see myself being in an arranged marriage despite the fact my father fantasizing choosing my husband for me. I have nothing against arranged marriages when both the partners are willing. I am sure you can grow to love the person. I am sure most people's family don't arrange a marriage for the sole purpose of financial gain nor would they intentionally marry their daughter to someone that is abusive. If people are happy in arranged marriages, I think that it is great. For me, I couldn't do it.
I think arranged marriages can work, at least in societies where they are considered a viable option. I can't see them working in American culture, though. Not so much because people wouldn't stay together, but moreso because few Americans would agree to such a thing to begin with.
I think you shouldn't compare divorce rates between the two countries/hemispheres because there are HUGE cultural differences. From the culture I come from, arranged marriages are common, but divorce is not, largely because it is frowned upon. Divorced WOMEN are treated unkindly in society a lot, especially in their local community - it's a sad thing, and many people would rather stay in an unhappy marriage than get a divorce and face this kind of critcism and meanness from people, INCLUDING THEIR OWN FAMILY! I've noticed, that as divorce slowly becomes more acceptable in the urban cities, it has been going up. That is a very important reason why divorce rates in the east are so low. Also, there is no alimony pact. It's very hard for a woman to get the husband to pay alimony and child support in eastern countries which hold such importance to arranged marriages and are traditionally patriarchial societies.
Western people just have more socially accepted freedoms. No one is going to call you a hussy if you divorce your husband here. And there are certain measures in place for alimony and child support. Of course, this doesn't mean one is good and the other is bad. There are pros and cons to everything, but I think it's naive to base your assessment of marriage success on divorce rates in countries that have huge cultural and religious differences.
@imyourstargirl@xanga - what she said, lol. So true.
i heard that in india, parents actually have specialists determine whether the births are compatible before actually prearranging the marriage.
i'm borned and raised in the western hemispheres, and although i probably won't agree to an arrange marriage, i don't think it hurts me to meet her and see if i even like her. what if she turns out to be everything i'm looking for?
hm i'd want to try it out just to see what happens, but hypothetically speaking i'd also have the option of getting out of it.
it's great to know that some arranged marriages learn to one another, but finding that one you love on your own is so much better because there's the right to choose for yourself
i wouldn't want an arranged marriage, because they take away the freedom of choice, and even love. though people can learn to love eachother or just become best friends, they could have horribly clashing personalities.
it's sad that still, today, there are arranged marriages. they can be harmful to the woman. it's basically selling her off to the man's family where she can be horribly beaten and hurt.
I think they're a great idea. Then again, it could just be my laziness talking. However, not having to search for the mate u think perfect -takes a huge load off ur shoulders for most ppl. It also cuts out rejection (in some forms).
Now that I think more about it-there are positive an negative aspects. All in all- I'd try it. :)
@loving_emerald@xanga - I don't see how it's deemed improper to compare divorce rates due to cultural and religious differences; it is something to put under a microscope to understand why.
Those "cultural differences" can expand even more within America. Asian-Americans not only have the lowest divorce rates but also the lowest crime rates, lowest employment and lowest teen pregnancy issues. These marriages aren't even arranged. <-- More input as to how it doesn't make your reasoning valid for America to have such a ridiculously high divorce rate.
@xXDC_luyouXx - Asian americans come from a CULTURE - the EASTERN culture, which MANY immigrants try to keep alive in their homes in North America (I know because I'm a first generation immigrant child). I'm not saying it's improper, I'm saying it's naive.There are lots of factors that go into divorce rates, and most importantly, low divorce rates =/= successful marriages.
And, the majority of people in America are not Asian-American, or any kind of immigrants. They're caucasian. Therefore, the average divorce rates don't reflect the immigrant culture, they reflect the American culture. Also, I should note that this in no way suggests that only Caucasian people, or non-Asian Americans get divorced or whatever. There's generally an equal distribution, but some groups obviously have higher divorce rates than others.
@loving_emerald@xanga - All americans come from a one "culture" or another. It's also obviously not right to categorise all Asians being from the same "EASTERN culture" as you put it either. High divorce rates =/= successful marriages by the same token.
Arranged marriages isn't as big in the East as well; bigger in Middle-East and Southern Asia. Also, I related other factors like low teen pregnancy and low crime rates to the low divorce rates; there's a lot more than just a low divorce rate due to the "factors".
@xXDC_luyouXx - Obviously, high divorce rates wouldn't equal successful marriages.
And, this is a discussion about arranged marriages in GENERAL, not just about Asian-Americans. My original post does NOT refer to Asian Americans. They are just one culture that has this tradition. As for low pregnancy rates and whatnot - yeah, like I said, there are a LOT of factors that go behind divorce rates and succesful marriages, but I find a little presumptuous and even a bit obnoxious to completely exclude Asian-Americans from these very American trends. It happens to EVERYONE, some groups just experience it more than others, and lets not forget, that some groups are more populous than others. Besides, I don't think anyone has to "defend" or "justify" high divorce rates - it's a personal matter, and I don't think we should stigmatize divorce in such a way. It's one of those things that happens in life; there's no need to put people who get divorced down for it.
Anyways, that's the end of this dicussion for me.
@loving_emerald@xanga - Sorry, I don't think explained my point clearly. I'm pointing out that when you have a cultural mindset that leads to low teen pregnancy and low crime rates that indirectly leads to low divorce rates AND successful marriages.
Also, I feel that America is deculturalised and therefore does not put enough weight anymore on marriages wherein marriage is a stitched and outdated tradition. In another words, a vow is NOT sacred in America due to being deculturalised. Think of it being similar to how Christmas is a commercial holiday as opposed to celebrating the original intent.
Hence, the high divorce rates is a byproduct of these unsuccessful marriages.