A few days ago, my SO and I got into a heated argument about religion. A little background info: He's a Catholic and I'm a Christian. We came across the topic of his religion when it was around Good Friday. Since I don't celebrate Lent, he thinks I can't endure the sacrificing. I quote him, "It's too much for you. You can't handle it; you just don't have self discipline."
He also said he refuses to marry me if I don't convert to his religion. Whoa, back up. Even though I'm not his religion means he can say all of that? Furthermore, his parents are strict Catholics and will not allow him to marry someone other than his religion.
After all of this, I'm starting to doubt our relationship. Is a relationship really built on your religion? If so, then I'm not standing for this anymore. It's not that I'm not willing to change for him, but the fact that he's basically pressuring me into converting to Catholicism. I should be able to practice my religion even if we do get married, right?
Readers, what are your thoughts? Have you ever been in a situation like this?
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Comments (175)
Yeah. Christianity and Catholicism?
Same thing I thought...
First off, Catholicism is Christianity.
You have to decide what your dealbreaker is, and he needs to determine his. If you both don't have the same "goals" for life and marriage, then perhaps you shouldn't be with him.
Ya, I always thought the root of all religions was Christianity anyway.
Relationships are based on core beliefs and chemistry. Religion is a core belief, meaning it is taught from a very young age and difficult to change. Other core beliefs are things like political stance, children, life goals in general. Obviously, since Catholicism is so important to your boyfriend and seems like a dealbreaker, I don't think your relationship stands a chance. I'd dump him. It a waste of your time really.
My dad is Catholic and my mom is Methodist (both fall under Christianity, as someone already pointed out). His family was also very strict and he was the only child to marry a non-Catholic. But before they got married, they met with their pastors/priests and everyone agreed that they have a lot more commonalities than differences. I don't think the small differences are enough to justify sacrificing a good relationship. Only based on your post, it sounds like he picked a meaningless fight without much reason, and maybe that's the issue you should be more worried about.
on a broad scale, catholicism is very similar to christianity. however, there are unavoidable differences between the two, some examples being lent (as stated above), purgatory, the idea of saints, to whom you pray to, just to name a few. while all those are encompassed under christian ideologies, these differences will be even more so pronounced in an interfaith relationship (yes i consider them different faiths). the poster's description of a catholic's perspective on christians not celebrating lent is proof enough as it is the nuances that will be hard to get over.
whether or not this relationship will work depends on how strongly you feel about your faith and whether it's worth sacrificing some of your own beliefs. but itd prob be much easier finding someone of the same faith.
For some people, they are so into their religion that there is no in-between. There is no middle ground. It sounds like it's going to either be his way or no way, and if you aren't prepared to make that commitment then eventually you'll hit a wall and your relationship won't go any further. I don't think he can be blamed- it's his beliefs. That's the way he was raised and lives his life.
If you're already having issues now about religion, it'll most likely contribute to a shaky foundation for your marriage. It's one thing if you don't celebrate Lent, but what if you two have kids someday and argue over whether they should?
It seems like he's stringing you along. If Catholicism is his ultimatum and you're not comfortable with that, then dump him.
I'm Jewish and my boyfriend is Catholic (he's more religious than I am) and we make it work. As long as you are tolerant of your SO's faith, it works just fine. Problems pop up a) when your SO makes insensitive remarks (kindof like what your SO said to you) or b) when you're talking about marriage and raising kids.
If your SO can't have a rational, tolerant conversation with you about your religion, and you're not okay with that, then perhaps it's time to move on.
@heroes_and_sociopaths@xanga - They're not "exactly" the same, they're different forms of Christianity. Like, Catholics have a stronger set of beliefs when it comes to the Virgin Mary and her role in the Jesus story, their masses are a bit different from other denominiation services, they have the confessionals, the Hail Mary....and the Pope. It's pretty different as far as a denomination goes.
In response to the actual post, I think that's bullshit. Sorry to be forward, but you really shouldn't even consider marrying this guy. Someone worth marrying is willing to accept that just because you're in love with someone doesnt' mean that everything about them has to be exactly the way you believe. You should be able to at least be tolerant of each other's religious beliefs, though I can see where it would be a problem upon raising a family (What religion will you raise your children in? for example). So generally, I think it can be difficult to marry outside your denomination, but it can work.....not with that attitude however.
Speaking of Catholics, my aunt (who is psychotic) posted a status on Facebook recently about how homosexuals are evil and going to hell or something. When I posted a response (politely) disagreeing with her and pointing out issues with some of the things she said, she promplty called me an atheist and blocked me., Bahaha. It's okay though. I don't have many good experiences with Catholics. :P
@Anonymous - Christianity is not the root of all religions. Catholicism is a sect of Christianity.
I would say to decide where your values are placed. Think about your relationship with your SO and your relationship with your religion. Then you can make a decision.
my bf and i got into a really heated argument about this today too. i'm a christian and he doesn't believe in anything. i've asked him to come with me but he refused so i'm not going to ask him anymore. i'm going to believe what i'm going to believe and i asked him not to interfere because he's not willing to go with me. it hurts me sometimes because my religion is a part of me that i want him to share with him but since he refuses to do so, i'm not going to ask him again and it's one thing that we're not going to be able to do together.
I'm a Buddhist and my SO is a Catholic. However, she never really pressured me to convert. She only suggested that she wants to attend church a little more often. I told her that I'll accompany her to church when I'm with her because it means so much to her. I never mind going to Christian services: I've been to some Bible studies with friends, cited scriptures during weddings, etc. However, I draw the line at trying to be converted, since I've already chosen my path of faith and I would like to practice my own without someone telling me that I'm gonna burn in eternal flames.
He is not marrying you because you are not catholic? I find it very disrespectful for him to threaten you like that. Apparently, he doesn't like you that much!
Don't give in, dump him!
Well...I would just think further down the road. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone who does not believe some of the same core truths as you do? It's up to you whether you want to have to live through that.
Since you are a Christian, I thought I'd quote a bible verse that speaks to this..."Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?"
I thought Catholic and Christianity would a bit better as both believe in God. There are some differences between both and that could create arguements. It really depends how deep is your faith and the respect.
Same value is important though. I have experienced with someone who was non Christian and I learned my lesson. My ex (who calm to believe in God, which later found out he believe in Catholicism) used the excuse of me being a Christian and said I forced him to church, which he never show up even I asked. He has his mind set that Christian are pushy, so even if it was just an invitation he will say I push him.
My parents have different religions too. My mom is Christian and dad is Buddhist, and man, it was hell for my sis and I. My dad would blame everything to our Christianity, because he religion doesn't believe in GOD as there is no creator in his belief. He just believe in himself. It's really hard because ones anything touches religion, you will have disagreement.
Most important is respect of each other believe, but it is hard when you have anger. You have this agruement now, when you have kids, what will happen then? Will they be Catholic or Christian? Catholic must have their kids bere baptize at childhood, which is totally different from Christian. Christians get to choose if we want to baptize. There will be more arguements. I think you both should talk about it and see if this can be solve.
Think of the future, could you live with someone who don't believe in what you believe.
haha, someone also told me that he would never marry someone that isn't Christian.. and he knows I'm not Christian. we both also knew that we really liked/loved each other. it hurt a lot, because I think that I'd rather I not end up with someone because of something that isn't what I grew up believing. (I hope that made sense.)
like Super_Andy@xanga said, it's that he thinks that eventually we'll hit a wall in our relationship to how close we can be. I think that interfaith marriages can work if both people understand, respect and support each other in their beliefs.
in the end, even if I do wish things could work out, I'm just thinking that if it's meant to be, it'll happen. and if not, I just need to let it go, as hard as that might be. oh well.
i absolutely despise people who expect you to convert in order to marry them. it's very cult-like and disrespectful to the religions (or lack thereof) of both parties. proselytism should have no place in relationships.
i see it like this:
a. abandon your beliefs in favor of mine.
b. keep your beliefs, but join my religion anyway. i only care about semantics.
lose/lose. stand up for yourself and your beliefs.
My step-dad is Catholic and my mom is Baptist. They've been together like 14 years. I'm a Christian and my boyfriend is semi-agnostic (he believes there is a God, just not so much about what the Bible says). I don't go to church but I do believe that Jesus is the son of God. I don't judge my boyfriend though nor do I ask him to change. To me, religion is a personal thing.
i'm agnostic (i think that's the right term) but i am highly skeptical of christianity and i value morals much higher than religion, but my boyfriend is very christian. we've gotten into fights about our respective viewpoints... he's upset/angryish that i don't believe in jesus because "that's the only way i'm getting into heaven" and if i dont believe then he won't "live with me for eternity" (assuming we get married which would be a loong time from now).
i think it depends on how serious you both are taking the relationship... if you're in it seriously but not necessarily at the moment for marriage, then i would have small discussions about it but don't make it a huge deal... but if you're looking for marriage then it should be taken much more seriously. i think people can make it work in an interfaith marriage, but it will be very hard... what about your children? can you both respect each other's beliefs? there's a lot to think about.
i guess i lucked out. my SO and i are both agnostic for the same reasons.
i probably couldn't stand dating a Christian. i'm not sure i could ever fall in love with someone who believes i'm going to Hell.
I'm guessing that by "Christian" you mean "Protestant," since Catholicism is a Christian religion. But I digress. I see a lot of red flags here. First, he's assuming you have no self-discipline just because you've never given anything up for Lent. That's a faulty assumption if I ever saw one. Because giving up something for 40 days isn't the only way to show self-discipline. Not by a long shot.
Secondly, his parents won't "let" him marry anyone who's not a Catholic. How old is he? 14? If he's a grown up, he gets to decide who he marries. Yes, Mom and Dad might not be happy, and he has to decide if he wants to deal with that. But he is an adult, he doesn't live in a society where arranged marriage is common, so his parents do not "let" him or "not let" him marry someone.
And finally, he is pressuring you to convert to his religion. If he really wanted to be with you for who you were, he would try to figure out what your belief systems have in common. (Same scriptures, same focus on the teachings of Jesus, similar morals, etc.) If it's so important to him to be with another Catholic, so be it. Some people really want to be with someone of the same religion and that's not unreasonable. But if it bothers him that much that you're not a Catholic and he's putting so much pressure on you to convert, then he can't truly love you for who you are, and your religion is a part of that.
I do not think anyone should convert to another religion for another person. You can attend rituals and services for another person, but to actually convert should be a decision based on personal convictions, and you can't have personal convictions to please another person. You just have them.
And I do think interfaith relationships can work, but only on the condition that both parties can freely and openly practice their religion without ridicule or pressure to convert from the other person, and if neither person is violating his/her conscience by being in the relationship.
a persons religion determines their ENTIRE life.....
if your muslim or if your christian, the two marriages are obviously going to be MUCH different.
i once read that you should marry someone who shares your core values including religion.
your christina and hes catholic, then you both will grow in different ways and not together.
does that make sense? i sometimes jabber and blabber when im tired....i think i should go get some sleep.....ok yea....buenos noches <3
@irreplaceablex@xanga - No.
And you should definitely not be part of a relationship if it's based on religion. It's about love between two individuals. If he can't get over that fact that you're not Catholic, dump his sorry ass.
he should love you regardless of your religion. try to compromise, but dump him if he refuses to.