After reading a
great article about living together and putting everything down on paper if your going to live together, why not just get married? I won't drag my religious beliefs into this, but I will put it succinctly. I don't believe in living together before before marriage for one reason is sex before marriage is wrong, and I will leave it at that. But, to continue, why live together? Is it cheaper on gas, a way to decide if you want to marry each other, or just an easy solution or because you just don't want to live alone?
Either way you put it, when living together, there is no commitment for either partner. If a breakup occurs, who gets what? What if you move halfway across to be with that person and it falls apart? Is your partner going to pay for you to move back home or is he/she going to bail completely? If you share a pet who does it belong to? Legally there is absolutely no protection, or any legal counsel you can get. Your on your own to figure it out. More times than not those that live together break up, more than those that are that married. If you two have kids together who gets custody? There are all things to consider when living together without a legal binding marriage.
If your married, there is commitment to make it work out. There is no jump ship and run. Yeah divorce happens but it shouldn't. Its too easy now to get a divorce, but I continue. When your married, you have so much more going for you as a couple. You two can get a house together easier-have children that aren't split between parents, because they have a mom and dad-who are married not boyfriend and girlfriend. Even fighting has more meaning there is more willingness to work it out. Being married means not cheating on your spouse because of the commitment.
There is so much more going for you when your married. Being married is worth it because when you live together there is no permanency. You don't have anything holding you to your boyfriend/girlfriend. That is why in my opinion marriage is better. I've been married a year, and I can say I would prefer being married because I know its a lifetime commitment and I'm not going anywhere and neither is he-because we have that bond. I would not ever want to live with someone outside of marriage, not only because I believe its wrong, but because there is no permanency and I wouldn't want to end up alone with a mortgage payment, and a dog I really hated.
But your thoughts marriage or living together? Whats your choice?
True
Comments (153)
living together is "playing house"... marriage is home.
whoa whoa whoa. I'm 18, and when i graduate, i'm moving in with my boyfriend. I'm not getting married yet, we're not ready. Getting married rids a certain amount of independence, because instead of 'me' it is now 'we'. 'our' apartment, 'our' everything, really. Some people date without any intention of marrying because they are in it just for the experience. sure, they love the person and love being with them, but they are nowhere near ready to settle down. I'm moving in with my boyfriend so it will be easier on rent, and because we can still maintain some independence.
Your opinion sounds like 'if you're moving in with an SO, get married so you're stuck with him forever!' and that's completely false. I want to marry my boyfriend, but im not ready. Living together is a great way to find out small habits you don't normally see that would determine being together. You're opinion is really an immature opinion.
Good for you about abstinence, but the reality is that most people don't live that. Things change, as do people, and you can't judge someone based on that.
@TheNazarene@xanga - agreed. Well put.
Just living together and being married are so far apart in my mind that this post is ridiculous.
I mean... what? Marriage is sacred. If you make those kinds of vows to someone, you should mean it. Just because you're living with someone doesn't mean you're ready to make those vows.
i think if you start living together for a long time there's no point in getting a marriage
I live with my boyfriend. I have for almost a year...but I'm 17...and do not plan to get married until we're financially stable. I want to be a nurse, and he writes as well as works full time at Best Buy and may be moving up in the ranks again soon. (He's almost 23--so is a bitttt more established than me, ha.) The commitment is there, but we're still young, and whether we like to admit it or not, still trying eachother on. Marriage is sacred too me, and I want to be married one day, but I want to do it ONCE. I want to do it and have it be right. You know?
I don't see the problem with living together. My mom lived with her boyfriend for fifteen years and they never got married. I think that's a little strange, but at her age, I don't think she thought getting married was really all that worth it anymore. She'd done it once, yknow?
*shrugs*
I think people live together when they're just starting to get very serious and when they're financially unstable, otherwise they would be married. But rushing into that sort of thing isn't good. Living together is the training wheels.
Some of the replies here are interesting& i agree of what they have said . especially raedium@xanga .. anyways
I think moving in together before marriage is a good decision because you can find out what they're good and bad habits are other than hearing it from thier mouth . You SEE how they are at home and you see if you are compatible living with that person .
You see thier rights & wrongs .
so living together before marriage to me is a good choice.
And no one said you had to get a pet ..
& there is still commitment if the couple does decide to move in together because honestly
if 2 lovers are willing to move in with each other than i believe that , that automatically forms some kind of commitment because obviously before you move in with someone you have to think about these things. Think about what if you guys argue & fall apart. You have to be commited to want to solve your issues with that person , you have to trust them to know that they won't leave you like that.
I know many people will NOT see eye-to-eye with me on this subject. I understand that everyone will have their own point of view based on up-bringing, personal experiences, and varying personal morals and values. So please do not bash my opinion. I will respect everyone's opinions, if they respect mine in return. Some of you have very valid points on BOTH sides of the topic.
I believe that like the above commenter said it's "playing house." People want the comfort of a companion close by, with the convenience of living together.. without the commitment. It's practicing for marriage, without following through. The problem with this is that you end up "playing house" or practicing marriage with a bunch of people. So really, what is special about it once you find the person you want to really spend the rest of our life with? It's minimizing marriage and it's sacredness when you can have the "benefits of marriage" without the actual legal committment and bonding.
To me, living to together says "I love you, but it MIGHT not work out. I might not want to grow old with you, and I might want to bail on you if things don't go exactly how I want them to. I MIGHT hate living with you, and want to be able to leave if you annoy me. Something might go wrong, and instead of fighting for our love, I want to be able to easily go our seperate ways. I'm just in this half-way."
That to me, does not sound like committment. If you were really serious about committing for life, you would not be intimidated by that "piece of paper" as some lightly put it. Otherwise, if you're not ready for that huge committment, then why not DATE and live seperately like boyfriends and girlfriends did for so many years? You can get to know people's quirks, annoying habits, and everything without living together.. but not if you're rushing things or getting serious too soon. Date a while, don't rush into things and you will get to see their true colors, even without cohabitation, trust me.
I have lived with my now fiance for about two years. For a bit less than a year and a half of that, we were not engaged. I think it gave us a good sense of who the other person was and whether or not we could deal with that before we made the commitment to get married. I think it helped to cement our relationship.
I don't think that living together before marriage is for everyone but I do believe that it was a good move in our case.
I live with my boyfriend and we're not married yet. The reason? Mass debts that we'd rather get rid of, I haven't found a real career yet, and we're okay with living together before we get married. I wouldn't trade it for anything. It's good to find out the good and bad things about each other, versus getting married then having the first time living together, and everything's a surprise. Plus if you decide to move in together that's a huge step in saying "I see something long-term with you" in your relationship.
Doesn't work for everyone, I suppose.
Everyone has their own opinion. I would never marry a guy that I didn't live with first. I am pretty sure if I didn't have time to acclimate myself to my husbands messy ways and disorganization before marrying him I would have divorced him because it would have shocked and pissed me off. He is getting better and I am becoming less anal. It was something we worked on when we lived together.
I know some people view marriage as being sacred, but not everyone does. Just because a couple gets married does not mean that they are really ready to put in the work that it takes to maintain a marriage. Willingness to commit to another person comes from within a person not from signing a piece of paper and making "legal".
Where are the statistics that you used? Obviously people who are not married break up more than people who are married. Living together has nothing to do with the fact they break up. They break up and leave each other because they aren't married. Divorce is expensive so of course people will try to work things out before giving up.
You forgot that there is something called "divorce." Marriage does not always mean that it will end up happily ever after. Just because two people live together doesn't mean they will have sex. I hate to break it to you, but just because you and I would always want to work things out doesn't mean others will. Living together and splitting up is not different than a divorce. If you didn't want to live together before marriage, fine. But don't try to crap on everyone else's way just because it isn't yours.
I guess I can see both sides. I guess I would want to know what I'm getting into before I promise forever, but at the same time, if it doesn't work out and you're living together, it sounds like a pain to decide who has to find a new house, to live with someone you've broken up with until one of you finds a new house, decide who gets the things you bought together, etc. I guess I'll find out if I ever get into a serious relationship.
I've lived with a boyfriend before and later found out that we weren't meant to be together. There were things I would've never found out if we never lived together. You really get to know a person a lot better once you spend that much time together. So to me, it worked out in my favor. I wouldn't want to be stuck with someone who I just can't live with but only to find out after we're married.
I liked your little disclaimer about not bringing your religion into it. I liked it because it's completely redundant. Your whole stance is obvious to anyone who isn't legally considered a tree stump.
I'm going to pick this apart paragraph by paragraph for easier reference.
2.) "There is no commitment". When you were dating your now husband, did you feel commitment or did you feel like you could just up and leave him without remorse and consequences? Yeah, this is some grade A nonsense. If you're in a relationship long enough to consider moving in together, guess what, there's some fucking commitment. The rest of this paragraph is just a bunch of "what if's" that are equally arguable for those who choose to marry. Who get's what? Where do the kids and pets go? As a child of divorce, let me tell you, these situations are FAR more hostile and serious when marriage is involved. Not having legal counsel and laws in the way is sometimes a good thing. I know fathers and mothers who have been unfairly and royally fucked by the judicial system when it came to divorce. Not to mention, divorce is one hell of an expensive endeavor. I know because I watched as my mom's and dad's savings were getting depleted.
3.) As I said before, commitment comes before the ring. If a ring guaranteed commitment, there wouldn't be divorces. You say divorces happen, but they shouldn't and then slough it off like it's not a big issue. You can't ignore the statistics here. Next up, you say it's easier being married. Sure, in certain aspects like getting a home that's true, but if two people want to live together, it's not exactly a never-ending paperwork obstacle course. The next cute little misguided statement you made was that if two people have kids who aren't married but share a house, those children will be split. Wait, what? If the two people love each other and share a house and the kids live there, how are they split? They're not. The only thing missing from this family unit is a ceremony and some pieces of metal around two fingers. You want to know one reason why people are more willing to work shit out when married? It's expensive not to. I went into this already so I won't touch on it anymore. Also, I'd say having kids is a bigger reason to work things out than being married. I've seen this situation so many times so many times, including my own parents; those couple who stay together for the kids. Yeah, no mention of marriage and commitment. No, it's for the kids.
4.) It's pretty obvious that you're extremely biased in this argument. This is a doable closing paragraph recapping your beliefs. I'll do the same. Permanency is there if love is as well. Counting on a piece of paper to hold a couple together is a very sad notion. You don't "know" anything. You're not clairvoyant. I'm sure my parents thought they were going to stay together forever too, but that was twenty years ago. Can you tell what your life will be like in twenty years? No and that's a fucking long time in the future to predict.
Now for a little further explanation on the origins of my views. As I mentioned, my parents divorced after 20 years. The marriage was really only good for about 15, but they worked at it because they had three other children besides myself. Eventually it was too much and they parted ways after we had all at least entered college. This doesn't make me bitter towards marriage or love. My grandparents were married their whole lives and I have aunts and uncles who are going on 20+ years together and I don't see them going anywhere. Next, my brother is 28 and got married this past summer to a girl he had been dating for a few years. They lived together for at least a year before getting married. Why is this a good thing? They were able to experience what is was like to share a house before getting tied up in the red tape of marriage. If they realized things weren't going to work, they could part ways much easier, which is BETTER FOR BOTH PARTIES. So I will conclude with this:
@TheNazarene@xanga - Why is it bad to "play house" if it better prepares you for marriage?
You can be married and living together and still have things fall apart. It's a double edged sword. I don't think one situation is preferable over the other, although I do believe that if you are seriously committed to someone, moving in with them before getting married is probably a good idea. Yes, it isn't the same kind of committed situation and is like "playing house," but it's also much more paperwork and much more costly to get a divorce if you find you really can't work things out with your partner. Although, one could argue that you shouldn't marry someone you feel you can't work things out with, but /shrug. Kids these days do a lot of things before thinking their decisions and the repercussions/consequences fully through.
What if you get married, move in together, and find out your partners got some really gross habits, like biting their toenails or not showering for days at a time.., what if they're terrible in bed?
I don't want to get married to someone and find out we're terrible for each other. I think it's smart to live together first.
1. Your whole stance is obvious to anyone who isn't legally considered a tree stump.
How would you know that unless you were a tree stump?
2. If you're in a relationship long enough to consider moving in together, guess what, there's some fucking commitment.
In your in a relationship... you've made a commitment. You've committed yourself to that relationship the second you said, "yes, I will go out with you." dummy.
3. As a child of divorce, let me tell you, these situations are FAR more hostile and serious when marriage is involved.
Is this what you're really upset about? The fact that your parents decided to split after they committed to having a child. I feel ya. I was in that boat. Chill out.
4. Not having legal counsel and laws in the way is sometimes a good thing.
Great! Would you mind helping me get my son out of the hands of the man who punched me in the face? I would appreciate that help VERY much. As my son is very important to me, and I would like to make sure that his sperm doner doesn't ever lay an emotionally driven hand on him... ever.
5. I know because I watched as my mom's and dad's savings were getting depleted.
How was the view from those seats? Do you have any money in your bank?
6. I'd read on with your story... but you don't seem to care too much for marriage and its meaning. This is because of your bias. Your sad story. Wanna know why Playing House isn't fun... because in real life, you have to make REAL choices. I choose Home Life... you can play house all you want... that's the beauty of life. Choice.
@mcmeister89@mancouch - the above was for you darling
i've always considered the issue of who gets what once the relationship ends. i don't plan on moving in with my husband until he is in fact my husband, but i think for people who are going to move in with their SO's, it is a bad idea to move in with anyone you can't legitimately see yourself marrying.
@TheNazarene@xanga - agreed.
and quite frankly it is bs that you need to live together before getting married. if that's what you choose, that's none of my business, but it's nothing you "need" to do.
in the end, getting married is just a legal thing. i've lived with my boyfriend for 2 years and we have no reason to make "us" legally official yet. moving in together has been the best thing that's happened to our relationship, its brought us closer together and helped us both to realize that we make a very good match. you never know what its like to live with someone until you do it. staying over at someones house and spending lots of time together is not the same as living together. you discover more about your partner and different ways to interact. it helps you to snap out of the puppy dog love phase and realize what its really like to intertwine your life with anothers.
the important thing is your attitude going into it. if you go into it with reservations and doubts, or if you haven't known the person long enough, there will most likely be problems. i've seen a lot of couples who live together break up. but i think they did it flippantly. they got caught up in a whirlwind of emotion and moved in together despite their better judgement. i've also known couple who flourished after co-habiting. everyone is different and different things work for different people.
i'm sure me and my boyfriend will get married someday, but in the meantime we're happy as we are. we're committed to eachother and don't need a piece of paper to keep us together.
I don't think walking down an aisle means that the person will stay with you through the hard times. A couple can be just as committed to each other without being married.
And most young adults need a roommate anyway to split the cost of an apartment. It might as well be a significant other.
Marriage isn't the natural state of things. It is something people decide to do. So you can't look at it as "Why not just be married?" The natural state of someone is to not be married. Marriage is a man-made concept. So it would be more valid to say the opposite.. "Why not just be together?"
I just wanna get married. Today. In like 5 minutes... I can totally get ready in 5 minutes! haha!
Marriage throughout history has been primarily a business. It wasn't until recently that the main reason why couples got married was for love. Even in some parts of the world, marriages are still arranged. I'd suggest for you to read Committed by Elizabeth Gilbert. I've been stressing this book to everyone lately because it really opened my eyes to the history and global side of marriage. It even talks about the practices of the early Christians.
Marriage is a commitment. Living together is commitment. The big difference is this word called "alimony." Divorces are a lot more tiring and complicated than break ups because the law is involved, but both suck. In both cases, you'd have to divide the belongings and dog and everything else you mentioned-- not just in living together.
Your view is very conservative, and while you're allowed to express your opinion, I did feel that you were telling people that live together that they're doing something wrong by your line: "Sex before marriage is wrong."
@presque_la@xanga - Very well stated, and I personally agree.
This honestly really bothered me while reading it.
I don't believe that a piece of paper or a ring defines committment. I believe that the two people in a relationship define commitment. Just because you have a piece of paper holding you together does not mean that he will one day realize that he has changed, and maybe has not fulfilled his life, because he now has a significant other that he needs to think about first. Having a piece of paper holding you together does not mean that he won't find other women attractive, and may suddenly have an urge to do something unthinkable. He is a human, and if he can leave you while you're boyfriend and girlfriend, then there's nothing going to be stopping him from leaving you when you're married.
My boyfriend and I have talked about our relationship in serious terms. We have talked about our relationship from a marriage point of view which is; We talk everything out, we make things work even though it may be hard, we will be together in the end. If you can't do this as boyfriend and girlfriend then what makes you think that you will be able to suddenly change that once you get married?. There is not much difference.
We have our plans, our futures, eachother, and that's all we need.
Divorce rates are so high right now that having children even in a marriage can be dangerous. Just because you were married when you had children does not mean that 10 years down the road, you two will still be together, and also... wife and husband can pull their children apart anyway.
I think that people need to think about things from two points of view. What may be right for one person may not be right for the next. It's not fair to assume that just because you're married you have some kind of higher relationship then the two people that have an amazing relationship who are committed and going to be together for a long time who are just labelled boyfriend/girlfriend.
I could probably ramble on and on about this, but I will stop, since this is probably going to be longer then your post.