Rejection. It's an ugly word, ugly concept, and even uglier feeling. No matter what side of it you're on -- the rejecter or the rejectee -- rejection just plain sucks.
While within the realm of dating there is really no "good" way to turn someone down, there is a certain level of courtesy that ought to be maintained. Maybe you're already close with the person who's asking you out. Maybe you're not, and he or she is trying to get to know you better. Either way, chances are that the person that's asking you out had to work up a good deal of courage before putting him or herself out there. It's like your mother always said: treat others the way you want to be treated. Or in this case, reject others the way you'd want to be rejected ... er, something like that.
Do'sDo be kind. Look, if you roll your eyes and give your friends a "gross, did that really just happen?" look, not only do you make the person feel bad, but YOU yourself look bad, too!
Do be honest. When you're turning someone down, they don't need to hear your life story on how your last boyfriend or girlfriend ripped your heart out of your chest and proceeded to lob it at the wall. BUT, if you are in a position where you're just not ready or wanting to date, tell the person.
Do be respectful. Sure, it feels good to be asked out. It's flattering. But if you're saying no, there's really no reason to go gossiping to all your friends about how so and so asked you out, and you had to shut him or her down.
Don'tsDon't be brutal. Yes, honesty is good, but no one needs to hear "you're just not my type" or "I'm really just not that into you" straight to their face. Remember, whether or not you and your asker interpreted your interactions the same way, there was some kind of communication that led to the situation.
Don't create false hope. There's nothing worse than being strung along. In high school, I once asked a boy to a dance, to which I got the response "I'll have to figure out my plans and let you know." Three days later, he turned me down. Ouch. When you turn someone down, you want to be direct enough so that your intentions aren't unclear, while still considering the other person's feelings.
Don't feel awkward in the aftermath. This one is tricky. For most people, there's a certain degree of awkwardness that both parties experience when being rejected. While it may be unavoidable, try to play it down. If you were friends with the person before, there's no reason you shouldn't be friends now. Ignoring the person only creates unnecessary tension.
So there you have it. Just a few simple guidelines for rejections in the dating world. They may not be entirely universal, and they're certainly not all encompassing, but it might be worth it to consider them just for a second the next time the situation arises.
What do you think of these guidelines? How do you deal with rejecting/rejection?
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Comments (20)
this definitely sounds good. covers all the basics.
I agree with all of these. I have a hard time creating false hope and luring people in...even when I am trying to stay on the 'just friends' level. It always seems to backfire in my face. I'm horribly blunt too, I guess I could be considered brutal, but i'm honest. Usually, id make something up, that's less hurtful but if they bother me or catch me on a day i'll tell exactly why it 'wouldn't' or 'cannot' work.
Common courtesy is really hard to..interject in the session of rejection. Someone usually ends up taking it too far or it just sounds...either really awkward or really stuck up "Gross! Did that really happen?" reactions.
Ya dig?
I HEAR IM HORRIBLE AT REJECTING PEOPLE...YIKES! I WIELD HONESTY LIKE A BLUNT INSTRUMENT...OUCH SORRY!
My favortie motto is "It's not WHAT you say, it's HOW you say it". To me if someone rolls their eyes or whatever, it shows how vain they are & you probably wouldnt want to be stuck with them anyway. Just because someone isnt your type doesnt mean they're not a person without feelings.
I would also add talk in private if possible. There's nothing worse than being shot down in front of people. Even if you say it nicely, having people around to see it only makes someone feel worse.
Whenever I heard the phrase "I'll think about it" I just took it as a "no".
I've received long explanations as well.
I'm constantly ready to move on. If you like me, you like me, if you don't, you don't.
I usually don't associate with them afterwards either, whether I was rejected or did the rejecting, mainly because I've experienced that some women aren't intelligent enough to play it down, so I play keep away.
I didn't know "you're not my type" and "i'm really just not that into you" is brutal. oops.
I would rather hear, "You're not my type" and "I'm just not that into you" any day over something that's just nice and polite. Nice and polite is easily misunderstood to making you think you might have a shot at a later time. Brutal honesty cuts it all down and doesn't give any false hope.
Yea I think a clear answer is important. I don't think there needs to be an excuse. Just a "I don't feel that way" is good. Oh yea about that last don't, don't make it awkward, that should definitely be implemented right away. Any delay in that and it'll be hard to get out of. It's like when you see someone and avoid saying hi. It gets harder to say hi as time goes by and that person knows you saw them.
i dont think there's anything really graceful about rejection but you have to do it.
Hah, I am not talking to the last rejecter at present.
This is a great list! And even though these things seem obvious, they're definitely important to remember.
Definitely helpful.
I'm opting for "thank you, but no"...but each situation is different.
I guess I'd use the same idea as how to dress for a job interview, one step above the level of the job you are applying for, so if they are real jokey when they ask, I'd be a bit more serious in my rejection, to let them know I really mean it.
Being clear and direct is really important, but it's also good to remember that the only thing the askee is responsible for is to be respectful (unless the request was inappropriate) the person doing the rejection is NOT responsible for the feelings of the other person.
Asking someone out is risky, it's just the nature of the game.
very true.
anndd " Ignoring the person only creates unnecessary tension".
I hate thoseee kind of people!
I agree
i actually get nervous even though i reject htem.
its quite awkward.
my friends laugh at me. lol
Definitely don't create false hope. Makes you feel so much worse when he finally understands.
And it's just so hard not to be awkward afterwards...A difficult reality is that a lot of times it does come down to that "I'm just not that into you" feeling. There's almost always some sort of positive interaction between the asker/askee (or rejector/reject) so there's probably enough there to suggest that something could work out between the two. But there's really no way to say "I just don't really have the desire to date you even though you're cool" without sounding like a jerk. Hmm I dunno, it's interesting. And a sucky situation.
Most the time, people nowadays don't ask me directly. They may text or ask online. Or get their friend to ask for you. Its not as flattering. But, in a way it still is. I have replied "I don't feel the same way." but not to their face. That would be really awkward. Its hard not to feel awkward around them afterward.
I like this post. I think you covered pretty much everything.