I've been with my boyfriend for over a year. As it started, we didn't really have any problems until the last couple months. You see, I'm a completely jealous lunatic. But, it hasn't exactly been an easy transition.
My boyfriends in the past have been I guess you could say "cheaters", but I got over it. When my current boyfriend and I started dating, he talked to hardly any girls, especially ones his own age. Now, since he has started college, he has gotten close to one in particular. I've had the blessing of talking to her, and it only enraged me more. (It's an extremely long story) We ended up talking, and we've gotten into a fight, and I somewhat wish she didn't exist.
I've brought up the fact to my boyfriend that I don't like her, or that something is bothering me, such as her blowing up his phone or his Facebook, and all he does is get defensive, which sends me even more over the top.
You see, one of the first time my boyfriend and I talked about this, he came to the conclusion that it must be because since my father had cheated on my mother last sometime last year, that this fear has transferred and I'm taking out my rage on him.
I suppose this could be the case to some extent, but I feel that because I feel this way, he should take into consideration that my feelings should probably come close to first, since I always take his first.
I honestly don't feel like I'm doing anything wrong. The longer I hold in the fact that I've seen them talking and how it's made me irritated, the more irate I become. Last night I told him as soon as I came across something that didn't quite rub me the right way, and he went straight into defensive mode. I know he wouldn't cheat, and I know that he wouldn't let something like that come between us, but I have no trust for this girl, and he can't seem to respect that fact.
Things are getting even more stressful as this goes on, and I have no idea what to do. I am obsessed with making sure they're not talking too much, and I get so completely worked up if I even see her name. What am I supposed to do?
Could it be possible that my dad's mistakes are playing out into my own relationship?
Is there any way to get over completely jealous habits to hold on to a good guy before he gets too annoyed?
Shouldn't my boyfriend care about how I feel?
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Comments (64)
College: ripping couples apart since the beginning of time.
I don't care. If someone wants to break up with me, I enjoy that person being honest. I also appreciate, on a side note, knowing that I'm dating someone. I often, due to being in a trashy sphere of existence, find myself in imaginary relationships. Well, not since I gave up on humanity, but prior, OMG.
You sound like you can't trust your boyfriend. Guys have cheated on me, but I haven't allowed myself to assume my current boyfriend would do the same. It isn't fair to your boyfriend to treat him like he's one of your past boyfriends. I think the only way you can knock off your huge amount of jealousy is to try to trust your boyfriend or leave the relationship. It's normal to be slightly jealous...but your boyfriend needs to have a life of his own. He, too, should be able to have his own friends, guys or girls.
i think he should respect you feelings if he cares about you. it sounds like you have a good reason to be concerned. it doesn't mean he has to stop talking to this girl entirely, but he should at least back off a bit if its upsetting to you.
he probably doesn't have feelings for her, and he probably won't cheat on you. but nonetheless, even if you're being oversensitive, he should be respectful of you until you get your feelings sorted out.
I'm with you...had the blow up of the century about it last fall when he went to a school 3 hours away from me. I had had my doubts about these two sisters I was hearing a ton about and seeing crazy facebook stuff. like you, I knew he would never enter into a physical affair--well i was 98% sure. But then I went down to his apartment and watched a movie with him. In the space of one movie, with absolutely zero response from him this girl texted him 8 times and her sister texted him 3 times. I was incensed. We had already had it out to about the degree it sounds like you have had, but for me that was it. I just said, "I will not be with a guy that is pursuing a friendship with a girl who clearly has no respect for me or our relationship." He bitched and moaned and then I showed him this girl's facebook status that said "Has a new best friend for life...I LOOOVVVE YOU [his name]!" And I am pretty sure he had an epiphany that this girl was not just a hilarious laid back best friend.
So to answer your question--you know a bad thing when you see it. don't force yourself to act like you are okay with something that you aren't okay with. if his friendship with this chick is more important than you--then that is your answer. but just tell him what i said, this girl doesn't respect me or our relationship, and you want to be friends with her?
... there should be no other girl who gets in the way between you guys. From my own experience with my bf, I know certain girls liked him before we got together, and so he quit talking to them after we were a couple. Well, not quit altogether and completely ignore them, but just wouldn't care about keeping a close friendship with them because he respects my feelings and doesn't really care for any other girl enough to make a big deal out of it.
Maybe you should just be calm when you talk to him about these things? Guys tend to get defensive if we make it seem like we don't trust them. But, if this continues, then it looks as though he doesn't respect your opinion and feelings as much as he should, and you should definitely do something about that. :/ Good luck.
He should be backing off from that girl. It obviously makes you uncomfortable and if he cared... he would fix that. You, on the other hand, need to make sure you don't stop trusting him soley because of past issues or your mom and dads. Those are the things that need to happen.
My jealousy isn't what finally got rid of my ex, but it was a base that led to other behaviors that ruined a lot of our relationship. Be strong and if you know him well, you should know where to draw the line... whether he's falling into a flirting habit or whether things are completely safe.
Oh my dear, I feel your pain.
My boyfriend and I have had several discussions dealing with some of my jealousy issues (thanks to past relationships). At least you can talk to your bf in person because being in an LDR doesn't make it any easier.
You're right in that if you keep bringing up this issue and acting jealous, it's going to really annoy the boy and quite possibly push him further away from you. Instead of always 'complaining' to him, you should suggest possible things he can do to help make you feel less jealous. What specific actions are going on that trigger your jealousy? Does he call/text her more than you? Does he hang out with her more than you? Address those things with him and try to work some kind of resolution out. If it seems like he's putting her before you, there is a DEFINITE issue. However, if it seems like he's still giving you all the time in the world but just being nice to this girl, then you just need to relax a little. If he really cares about you, he should definitely take into consideration your feelings and do what he can to help dissuade them. However, you should also tell him what YOU'RE willing to do to act less jealous and why you feel jealous in the first place. The key is communication without accusation. Good luck!
'I know he wouldn't cheat, and I know that he wouldn't let something like
that come between us'
then whats your problem?
I can understand.I have the problem of jealousy ,too. In the 4th year of my boyfriend and I ,it seemed that he didn't care about me as much as he used todo.We were in the same school but we seldomly dated.One day I found his brees jersey on another girl. I had nearly been crazy.
I can understand.I have the problem of jealousy ,too. In the 4th year of my boyfriend and I ,it seemed that he didn't care about me as much as he used todo.We were in the same school but we seldomly dated.One day I found his brees jersey on another girl. I had nearly been crazy.
chances are if you think they're too close, they are.
OHMYGOSH I am like EXACTLY the same way. There are a few girls my boyfriend talks to that I don't like. And there are many more that he talks to that I DO like. I don't think it's all a jealousy thing; I mean I know which girls are bad news and which ones aren't. It's not like I dislike ALL the girls my bf talks to. But the few I do dislike it's for good reasons besides just not wanting him talking to them. And yea, he doesn't really get it sometimes. He didn't exactly cheat on me, but he left me for someone else before and then decided he still wanted me, so I guess I trust him better now but it's still really hard. He should care about what your feelings are, but then again maybe he just doesn't understand. I feel like maybe he just doesn't see what the problem is and why you're getting so worked up because he doesn't see it as more than a friendship. Talking about it's the easiest way, but with my bf at least, he never wants to talk about situations like that. I'd say try to suck it up, at least for a while. If he doesn't see a problem, he will just get upset with you. But just really think about it, that's what I do. I think that 'ooo i want him to stop talking to this girl,' but if I was in his shoes, would I stop talking to a guy I'm friends with? Idk.Â
I dont think it has anything to do with your dad. You have a right to be worried with the way hes acting he should back away from that girl
Jealousy, if it's extreme, is going to hurt YOU, by driving YOU crazy, and may well cost you otherwise good relationships as well.
If you have a jealousy issue, for YOUR own sake, get into therapy. Do it now, when you are young, you will be glad you did. A therapist can help you sort through what the issues behind your overwhelming jealousy are, and you can work through them so they don't overwhelm and sabotage you for the rest of your life.
You're not doing anything "wrong" but you may act in ways that are unproductive or even damaging due to the strength of your feelings, and it would be unfortunate if misplaced feelings cost you a nice relationship.
Most of us, if we try hard, can find ways to justify our feelings and actions, which is all fine and well, but justified or not, if the feelings and actions are robbing us of joy and life, it's better to address them than justify them and add to our own misery.
Man up and be the better woman. Stop worrying about it, he can't possibly chose them. It's because of how awesome and amazing you are.
Because you are his girlfriend and they you're jealous shouldn't mean that he should drop his friend and come running to your side. If he does that, then thats all you will ever expect him to do according to what you're feeling. What about the way he feels? You ever thought of that? I know he should respect your feelings, but you have to respect his too.
You have to trust your boyfriend, because when people say "oh, I don't trust her" you're really saying you don't trust your boyfriend. I been there with someone who was jealous. I heard every story, I heard every excuse, and yet it still drove me away from them. And jealously does drive people away when they had enough.
You've completely tangled "how I feel" with "why doesn't he respect my feelings."
Here's how you sort that out.
1. You're jealous. Admit it up front. You're afraid that he'll cheat, or that "all men are cheaters" or something else, or you just don't like that girl, or whatever it is. I can't read your mind, so your first task is to figure out WHAT YOU'RE JEALOUS OF.
2. It is NOT HIS JOB to manage your jealousy. REPEAT AFTER ME: NOT. HIS. JOB. It IS, however, his job to hear you out. You're dead jealous of the time he spends with her? Say it that way. His job is then to NOT JUDGE YOU FOR THAT.
3. Do NOT, repeat, NOT, make emotional or other demands of him until you two can clearly say and hear each other's feelings about this. NO banning time with her, NO asking him to "respect your feelings," or any crap like that. If you want him to respect your feelings, you have to state them clearly and he has to listen to them respectfully. Only THEN do you talk about behavior negotiation.
4. If you press him not to spend time with her because he has to "respect that you're jealous" (which is a load of crap on your part), then he'll probably tell this girl that you're jealous and she will then see your jealousy as the petty crap that it is, and that'll make everything worse. The way out of this is CONVERSATION, clear stating of the emotional conditions (the jealousy, etc) and clear respectful LISTENING. Don't threaten each other, don't make demands until you've got clear communication.
5. Don't freak. This isn't as hard to fix as it looks like it is. Be ready to confront your parental cheating stuff, that might be in the mix. But also be ready to grow up, because your jealousy might be nothing else than sheer immaturity. But also, potentially be ready to break up, if you two can't get clear communication.
Good luck!
This is why you should try an open relationship. That way, he can do what he wants on his own time, you can too, and no one should get mad. Have other options when he's away and if you guys come back together, then it's meant to be. This is why I hate things being official.
If you don't trust someone, just make it an open relationship, then close it when the time is right. Otherwise, let it go. That's what I would do.
In fact, I am in an open relationship right now and let me tell you, I like just hanging out without worrying about the trust BS.
I know this is really off topic, but that picture, that man...is SO CREEPY.
jealousy comes form a fear of "losing something"... and since you don't want to lose something... you kinda lose your mind a bit. I think it's important to know that what you have is what you have... Do you have your boyfriend? Does he have you? Is he getting something out of another relationship that you feel he should be getting from you... that's a very logical understanding of jealousy as well. Sometimes in relationships, we feel as if we can't go to our partner with an issue, so we find another outlet... and when that partner finds out that you couldn't talk to them... they are most likely going to feel hurt and as if you don't trust them.
It's ok to be Jealous... the bible says God is a VERY jealous God! He's jealous when his people go find him in other places other than in him. I think if God's allowed to be jealous... we can be sometimes as well. As long as we know it's only out of love and respect towards our partner.
The greatest thing you'll ever learn, is just to love, and be loved in return (moulin rouge)
i hate college!!!! i completely understand. up until my boyfriend enrolled into college i had no issues whatsoever with things like this. but i havent been able to be the same since. he got involved in the party crowd, and since my boyfriend and me are two hours away from each other, i have to trust what he is telling me is the truth. which isnt easy. even though he stopped hanging out with the partiers, and no longer drinks without me, i am still paranoid.
the one that rubbed me the wrong way (probably like you, there really isnt much reason to be upset about the situation, but you are anyway) was when we went into his work, and this girl that he worked with informed us that she missed him. and i was like... bitch WHAT?! you think YOU miss him?! im marrying this guy and i see him twice a month, and you work with him two or three times a week and YOU MISS HIM?! and ever since then ive been really bad about things... if he doesnt text back i get upset... stuff like that. but i think part of it is that maybe you gave a new part of your heart to him that you hadnt dont yet? the more you care about someone the more likely you are to be jealous of the people around him. that is just the conclusion that i have come to.
i was way jealous too bits too.Right now,im jealous sometimes.I will be asking:"who are u texting when i was beside him."
i guess this is not jealousy.ITs girl nature's 6th sense.hehe
and yeh,when my ex enter college,he changed completely.he involve sexual intercourse with his senior but he hide it from me,it kill me badly but rethink,i dont give a damn now,.teehee
i think you need to grow up.
its not right of you to be constantly accusing him, making him feel untrustworthy and watched and controlled. telling him who he cant be friends with or who he can talk too.yoru insecure. understandable. he understands that your insecure..... and he sounds like a nice guy...BUT EVEN NICE GUYS CAN ONLY LAST SO LONG. if you dont stop you will lose him. it will get too much for him and you cant even blame him. hes still with you and putting up with all this controlling jealousy because he likes you and he understands why your doing what your doing. but believe me there's s point where it will be too much and he will quit.
keep going and youll drive him away. you ask shouldnt my boyfriend care about how i feel? SHOULDNT YOU CARE ABOUT HOW YOUR BOYFRIEND FEELS??
think about how your behaviour is making your faithful boyfriend feel?? do you expect him to be on a leash and ditch his friends for you?right now hes putting up with a crazy jealous accusing girlfriend.... he is STILL standing by your side.... how long will that last?? he can stand by your side and give you support but he cant fix your insecurities or jealousy... its in YOUR head. YOU have to fix it. and he shouldn't have to sacrifice a friend who has done nothing wrong.
if you keep pushing him youll lose him. or he will end up doing what you think he will do anyway.