Over the past couple of weeks, I've been entertaining the thought of writing a follow-up to my
5 Types of Inappropriate Men that Women Invariable Fall For post and here it is!
6. The PoserAhh, the Poser. I can only shake my head at this one. The Poser is that guy that tries redesign himself for the girl who is currently the object of his affections. When you meet one, you'll be initially delighted at his interest in your life and how your hobbies somehow coincide with his. You like That Band...and he likes That Band! You've always enjoyed the ballet...and so does he! You think secretly find guys that play the accordion to be wildly attractive...well, need I say more?
One of my good friends is a Poser. I find that he falls into the trap of spending the beginning portion of the relationship working really hard to impress the girl and changing himself to fit that girl. After the girl falls for him, he realizes that she isn't what he actually wants and he has become something he doesn't want to be, so he gets uninterested and leaves her hurting and confused :/ I know the Poser is attractive in the beginning, but relationships are made for both parties to participate in.
7. The AbuserI put this one in because many of you commented that I should have on my last post and I would have to say that I agree.
The Abuser comes in many forms. Abuse can be physical or emotional. Some Abusers are so crafty that you cannot even tell that they are abusing you. They hide their damaging words behind a veil of concern for you. "Oh, I think you should change this-and-this about yourself because it will make you a better person." Now, this is of course the lighter side of the abuse...I will not even get started on boys that beat their girls.
I don't understand why girls fall for these types of guys. Maybe they were different in the beginning and girls just think that they'll go back to the way things were? Perhaps they fall into the trap of "Oh, we've been through so much together! I cannot just leave them now..." Honestly, I kind of blame this one on the female. When it's bad, you've got a responsibility to yourself to get out. I understand that it can be hard to take that step, but the Abuser is NEVER a good choice. You can do better, girls! I would suggest the Nice Guy (perhaps I will write a post on The Types of Guys Girls Should Fall For but Never Do ^^)
8. The Tortured SoulThis was the one that really propelled me to write this post. I think it's because I've been binging on Grey's Anatomy, and every time that I see Owen Hunt, this is what I think about. Behold! The Tortured Soul! A man so damaged and so pathetic that he comes off as mysterious and worldly. He fascinates you. You want to find out what makes him tick. Most of all, you want to be that one that fixes him. You want to be the one that makes him whole again.
I've dated one of these. He hated the rest of the world, but he told me that he loved me. I'm not going to lie; it does make you feel special. But really, that's not enough. Someone that emotionally damaged will never know how to take care of you. The entire relationship will be about them and their problems. When you accidentally do something wrong, it'll probably be more devastating to you than to them. I think that relationships should be on even footing, for the most part. Do not date the Tortured Soul unless you know exactly what you're doing. They don't always get fixed. Instead, they can just passed on their emotional damage to you. It's okay not to be altruistic all the time :/
All right! I think I've covered just about everything. Thoughts? Have you dated one of these too? Should I write a third installment :p ?
Recommend
Comments (46)
well we all have our issues... ENFJ, ISTP... myers brigs (sp?) There is always a "type" to consider when going into and getting out of a relationship... but the most important part of BEING in a relationship is knowing that you are separate from that person. You will see their flaws, and their strengths. And you will be effected by both.
There is always a type. But change is real... hard... messy... and the most important aspect to any and every relationship. The ability to see when a "type" is coming out, and the careful consideration of calling out that "type"... for the better of the relationship. We should know who we love, not why we love them
I could write about a million types of girls. (maybe just like 12) but there are types out there, and I will most certainly fall in and out of them throughout my life. But #myfuturehusband I think will understand that if a type of type occurs, I still love him.
Lucky man in that picture xD.
I really do not like that you've included the abuser on this list because it makes it sound like it's the woman's fault for getting into a relationship with an abuser. Being abusive isn't a character flaw, it is a serious issue. You do not understand the cycle or psychology behind abuse and you cannot possibly blame the victim. Abuse is not only physical and emotional it is also psychological and institutional. Do not talk about things you do not know about. Do not make the victims feel worse than they already do.
Do not blame the victim. Blame the abuser.
You know, if I think about it, I can sort of see how my ex could have been a tortured soul.
They guy who re-washes the dishes after you've done them because he doesn't think you've done them properly; the guys who contradicts you in public; the guys who masturbates in the attic room while you're on the phone to your mum.
Check out my dating disasters:
http://plentymorefishoutofwater.blogspot.com/
Wow, I really want to tell you to go fuck yourself for writing that a woman is to blame for falling for "an abuser."
You must never have been in that sort of situation. Abusers are masters at illusion and manipulation; they lure someone in by projecting a certain persona and then trap them into staying dependent on them as long as possible while becoming steadily more abusive. It's not as easy as "Oh hey, he/she's being abusive, I should totally get out now."
My first boyfriend abused me for years [four to be exact], emotionally and sexually. It took his abusive side nearly a year to fully manifest, and by that time, I was so dependent on him that I could not just walk away. Am I to blame for falling for a guy who projected a stable, funny, attractive, talented, nice guy persona? I think not, and I also think many women would find an image like that hard to resist.
God, people like you are why women are afraid to get out and speak up. You just point fingers while shaking your head slowly and condescendingly say, "Well you should have known better." Go fuck yourself.
@AnonymousBlonde@xanga - I'm so sorry that you had to endure abuse at the hands of someone who was supposed to care about you. Seriously, A+ comment. Women don't need people blaming them for abuse. It neither solves the problem nor does it help the victims. The victim blaming mentality is sickening and wrong.
I'm a poser
Because if you're decent looking and you pay attention to me I'll most likely fall for you fearing that otherwise I'll be doomed to a life all on my lonesome with no one to care for me... Sigh...
I'm oddly drawn to the tortured souls because I can sympathize and we comfort each other better. they may have emotional baggage but I like how they are honest with their feelings and I'd rather date a tortured soul than someone who is tortured but pretends to be happy around people, so they are the two faced fake people. I avoid dating fake people.
This is just MY personal opinion but I think the poser would be the easiest type to spot & walk away. Like if you like the same bands, he can wiki the info about them but if you ask personal questions or start going in depth about the music, that'll trip him up. Not only that, it's often pretty easy to find radical shifts in personality.
I had (well still have. She's grown up now in the head) in middle school that used to get jealous when I spoke to anyone but her because she used to pick on me so much then come back when people got sick of her shit. So I started making new friends & this was when the Pokemon craze swept the world so everyone was collecting stuff & watching the shows. She was spoiled so she had her parents buy her all these cards & she would come sit with us & try to trade & stuff just to muscle in. But when we asked her questions about the shows & which Pokemon she was trying to evolve & stuff, she was stupefied.
I just broke up with the tortured soul I had been dating for 3 years. He wasn't that bad, but I definitely see some characteristics of our relationship in your description. We were very codependent. He's getting counseling now, after I finally realized that I really couldn't fix him.
Other than that, I haven't fallen for any of these guys. And I agree with the above commenters that "the abuser" is a stupid category on this list. Especially your statement that "Honestly, I kind of blame this one on the female. When it's bad, you've got a responsibility to yourself to get out."
I don't think you have any idea of what it's like to be in an abusive relationship. It's not nearly as simple as you've put it here. The most dangerous time for a victim is when they try to leave. If it wasn't so difficult to leave the situation, I don't think we would have such an issue with domestic abuse.
Some people are like chameleons and you can never really avoid them.
I've fallen for 6 out of these 8. I leave the abusers and exs alone.
Currently guilty of falling for a 3/4/8 combination...talk about being mind-fucked...he's a mooching already attached tortured soul. I know how to pick 'em.The Guy Who Is Just So Perfect in Every Way But is Also a First Cousin
I literally cannot believe that you just put the blame on the woman for falling for an abuser. That is sad and sick, and you need to go read up on your psychology books before you talk about something you know nothing about. I've never personally been through that, but I know plenty of women who have, and it's hard enough for them to leave... even more so to be blamed for being in that kind of relationship. *Sigh*.@AnonymousBlonde@xanga - ITA with everything you said here. And I'm sorry that you had to go through that.
i don't fall for much, but i tend to attract the schmoozer. The guy how thinks that buying me stuff is going to get me. When in fact it scares me away, i can only think they want some sort of favor by buying me stuff. Thanx but no thanx, but i WILL keep the cute dress.
Im dealing with a tortured soul now, he always wants to know what im doing with my life way too often, so he can shimy his way in, i guess. But he didn't pull me in, i pulled him in.
@Mr. D - WOW , you go boy!
@Mr. D - What about women who have been in marriages for 10, 15, 20+ years that have endured constant abuse? Is your solution for that to call them a moron who should have known better also? I've said it before and I'll say it again - unless you know what it's like to endure abuse, you shouldn't assume anything about how easy it is to get out of the situation. I was very young when this period occurred which is another reason why it was so hard to get out of the situation. Do you know what it's like to be a 16 year old girl being sexually and verbally abused by someone that was trusted, and yes, supposed to care for her as he was her boyfriend?
I don't have to talk to her about her personal experience on the topic; she said she has none as she clearly states she has no idea what attracts women to that sort of man - this implies that she has never been in an abusive relationship, and therefore has no idea what the complicated dynamics are within that sort of situation. And yes, it's not as simple as one person hits, attacks, or assaults the other in either a physical or verbal manner and the attacked wises up and leaves. But, as you seem to think YOU have all the expertise on the situation, I suppose I don't need to explain it to you.
However, excuse me for reacting passionately to something. I must not be entitled to my opinions, feelings, or personal beliefs or the expression of those as this is only the Internet, which, as we all know, is not a place for the free exchange of opinions, feelings, and personal beliefs. Must be that damned feminazi inside me, arguing that women, regardless of age or experience, are allowed to not only be seen, but also heard, in the 21st century.
Oh and, by the way, your automatic assumptions about my character also prove that you are no better than I in the belittling, ignorant, moronic sense.
I don't understand the comments with the abuser. There is so much girl power circulating; but obviously not enough to get yourself out of a dangerous situation? Abuse; psychological reasoning? What? Live the lives we lived in our third world countries with every single sort of abuse suffered. My daddy beat me when I was little , let me take it out in my current relationships. Honestly. If that was the case; we'll all be in a damn psychiatric ward. People make excuses for everything; Grow UP!
@Mr. D - Thank You! I honestly could not have said it better myself.
im a sucker for the tortured souls. i always want to hug/fix them. or take them in like they're puppies or something. oy.
although there was one that didn't hate the world. he just didn't have respect for himself. but he's better now.
@AnonymousBlonde@xanga - I'm sorry about everything you have been through, but I still do not understand.
If you're in a bad situation, and you recognize that you're in a bad situation, why don't you try to get out of said situation? I am not saying that it's your fault you're ex-boyfriend abuses you, but you're letting him abuse you. I just can't understand how you could want someone so much that you would let them hurt you for years and years.
I am a very compassionate person. I understand that it's difficult not to have someone to be dependent upon. I've been single for maybe a total of three months in the past six years. But there are so many people out there are that are "stable, funny, attractive, talented, nice" that don't abuse you.
Please don't tell me to go fuck myself. I really just want to understand how you could have stayed in that sort of situation. What made him...worthy of your devotion? Now that you look back on it, do you regret your decision to stay with him? Were finances involved? Did you have nowhere else to go? What hold did he have on you that years of emotional and sexual abuse could not break?
Perhaps you were in a very difficult situation from the norm of Abusers (?). Perhaps you had extenuating circumstances. It's just never okay to me that people should be treated that way. And I think that we've been empowered enough to feel like we don't deserve to be abused, so we shouldn't allow ourselves to take it.
God, I hate writing this because I am cringing for you on the inside, but I find that guys push. They will do to you whatever you allow them to do to you. A year down the line in a good relationship and the guy starts abusing you, it might seem manageable that first time. You can forgive it because of your shared history, your extenuating circumstances, your emotions---whatever. I don't think you can forgive it though (I'm trying to be general now...I'm not talking specifically about your experience, but this hypothetical situation). I don't think you can go like "oh...it was just once, he'll never do it again, i'll tell him that it's ok and that i'll forgive him. look how bad he feels about it!" IT'S NEVER OK. IT'S NOT FORGIVABLE. You can make up as many excuses for him as you want but it's just NOT OK. Can you tell me that you don't suffer from severe emotional damage because of it? Look at how you responded to me! You told me to go fuck myself! He has damaged you; you've been damaged. It's like getting fed to hold your hand on a hot stove. I would rather starve. Or learn how to fish (or some shit like that).
Personally, I think you stayed with him because you didn't have enough experience and you just didn't know that it should be better. You didn't know that it could be better, but I'm assuming that you realize this now? Telling other people that it's, well, not ok, but understandable for them to stay in that situation is rather irresponsible in my mind. I will always believe that it is partially the victim's responsibility to seek help. If one of my friends was in an abuse relationship, I would tell them to get help. I would tell them to let me help them, to let those that actually care about them help them. My pity and my understanding will do nothing to stop the abuse that they are experiencing. How can they expect anything to change if they don't do anything about it?
Be proactive. Take charge of your life. Take responsibility for your decisions. If you make a bad decision, do something about it. If you're not happy, do something about it. I know it can be hard, but this is not bad advice. I am not spewing nonsense. If you want to miss the point, take it as me calling you a moron. These concepts should be applied to all aspects of your life, including relationships. I'm sorry if anyone reading this is being abused. But you should know that you don't have to put up with it. There are always other options. Help others help you. You can't just cruise passively through life and expect it to get better.
It frustrates me to no end to see women married to abusive men. But what are we supposed to do about it? Just pity them? Not tell them that they're making a mistake staying with the person that they're with? Not tell them to do something about it for the sake of their happiness and the happiness of their loved ones? Patting their backs and telling them to wait for things to improve or telling them that it's just their lot in live...wtf. And when you tell them that they should do something about it, you get called condescending. So being placated is better. When you were in that situation, what would you have wanted someone to say to you? Since fixing him appeared to be out of the question, wouldn't you want someone to help you out of that abusive relationship? But they can't do it for you. You have to do it yourself.
What happened to you blows, but I will stand by my opinion. You make your own happiness. You are responsible for your own well-being. You have to hold yourself accountable.
@melllisa@xanga - I've read your comment 5 times and still have no clue what you're trying to say. Maybe it's just me.
I was abused when I was in middle school, emotionally and physically. Honestly, you can't know until you've been there. I didn't make excuses and I didn't let it ruin my life. I've formed successful relationships with people and don't have many residual issues from that time in my life. It's a hard memory of a time in my life, just like any other hard time in my life.
Still, I did not go into it thinking, "Hey, let me hang out with this guy. He'll almost break my arm, crack one of my ribs, and stick his hands down my pants. What a lovely fellow!". I had no idea what kind of control freak he was when we first started hanging out together. They aren't so easy to spot, and they aren't so easy to walk away from. I was young and I was scared. He used guilt and force to keep me from talking about it, from getting help from someone not clouded by the emotion of the situation. My friends eventually pulled me out, but I had to have their support to even pull it off. I wonder looking back how I could have let it go so long without standing up for myself, but the fact is, I didn't and I felt I couldn't for whatever reason. It's never simple to be abused. It's never as simple as just walking away. It's never simple to know who these people are.
The reason this "type" upsets us is because it makes us seem like we chose to get involved with guys that had "abuser" tattooed on their foreheads, which of course, would be dumb. With any relationship, there is a risk and a give and take. You have to know the person before you can really have any certainty as to what that give and take will be, and even then you have the risk of having your heart broken or worse. It just turned out that, for some women, the risk resulted in physical, sexual and emotional harm, through no fault of their own.
@Ni_Shi_Wo_De@xanga - I think the issue being addressed here is not whether or not we should stay in an abusive relationship, or that we are dumb for staying in it as long as we did, but something else. People can criticize decisions all they want, but it doesn't change what happened.
The real issue, at least for me, is that saying this is a recognizable dating "type" to be avoided. Obviously, if we saw it coming, we would avoid it. Avoiding it after it's already happened is a little difficult. Keeping it from happening again is another issue all together, and the obvious course of action is easier to see when you're not in the middle of all that turmoil. It's just upsetting that the post suggests we can easily recognize abusers, avoid them, and subsequently suggests that anyone who has been abused is an idiot for letting such a preventable thing happen. I don't like feeling like I've been called an idiot for a situation I didn't see coming, couldn't have prevented, and dealt with for longer than I should have.
@MarksBeneathTheSkin@xanga - ah, if you noticed my note in the post, i said i put it on there because it was the most popular typed i missed from my last post (not the one on xanga, but the one on datingish).
i would agree with you. i don't think girls go into the relationship looking for an abuser, but that can be said about a good many of the other types i've listed out (The Ex, the Asshole, the Poser, etc). Nevertheless, Abusers are still a type of inappropriate men that girls have fallen in love with (and stayed with...unfortunately :/ ).
I have to chime in on this abuser thing. I too have been in an abusive relationship, and I've had countless people tell me now that they don't believe I would ever put up with that, etc., etc. I don't think it's right to pass judgment unless you've been there yourself. Abuse is very complicated; it's not as simple as "Oh, he hit me, it's time to leave."
@MarksBeneathTheSkin@xanga - "I don't like feeling like I've been called an
idiot for a situation I didn't see coming, couldn't have prevented, and
dealt with for longer than I should have." EXACTLY. I agree with this 100%.