Thursday, 25 March 2010
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Would Mommy Have Changed Her Mind If She Could See the Future?
I'm at the age where the marriage epidemic is more contagious than the most recent strand of H1N1. While I have much respect for the institution, I worry about the fates of these matrimonial adventurers. It's no secret that the divorce rate hovers around 50%. However, these false starts don't concern me. If, at first you do not succeed, you can always try try again.
Rather, I think about my mother, who's been married for over 30 years. I think about the way my father speaks to her, and the way his tone makes me cringe. I wonder if this is what she imagined when she was young and starry eyed, blushed with love and romance. I wonder if she has a fulfilled soul, or a soul filled with "what ifs."
Women of my mother's generation were expected to get married. They were expected to procreate and be loyal to house and husband. However, as traditional gender roles fall away, what is "expected" of man and woman is rightly less of a concern. Women of my mother's generation now have a glimpse of a different road they could have taken. Sadly, my mother no longer has the time or energy to explore life's other adventures. She will never know where the "path not taken" could have taken her.
This leads to a simple question. If our mothers were given the gift of foresight and could catch a glimpse of their lives 30 years down the road, how many of them would have said "yes" when proposed to? Or how many of them would have thrown caution to the wind, summoned their adventurer's spirit, and headed out into the great unknown... alone.
In my humble guesstimation, even if love of their sons and daughters is factored in, at least half would say "thanks, but no thanks." I wish I could have been there to give her encouragement.
What would you have done if you were from that generation? Do you think they were dealt bad cards? Do you think your mother would have taken the "other path" if she could have foreseen the future?
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- From: tropic_of_cancer@xanga
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Comments (26)
Yes! I don't regret my children but I regret my choice in the men I picked in the past.
I know my mother wouldn't have taken another path (she's 64), because she's told me why she married my dad. She didn't love him. She simply knew he wouldn't beat her, had a good job, and could provide well for her. They're still together to this day (40 some years together, I think) but I know she still doesn't romantically love him. At this point, it's more like taking care of a child. She's told me this.
And I think a lot of women did the same thing she did. I wouldn't be surprised if half of her generation married simply because they knew the man would be able to take care of them.
As for me, I don't know. I would hate to live in an era where I HAD to do something or forever be outcast or whatever. And when you think about it, there weren't many opportunities for women of our mothers (or grandmothers or great-grandmothers) generations. So I think if it were me, in that generation, I would have done the same thing, simply because otherwise I may not have been able to make it.
NOW however, psh, I have no intention on marrying unless I'm damn sure it's what I want to do.
I wonder about this sometimes. No doubt the 'rents would've been just a summer fling if intruding ol' me hadn't have come along. I wouldn't use the phrase 'dealt bad cards' because that was a different time and that was the way things were.
The only reason we notice it now is because we've grown up and things are different. Everyone deserves equal respect and some people, especially women, know not to put up with those old things a lot of our mothers put up with. That's the way things were and given a million do-overs, I doubt a lot of them would've chosen differently.
@Super_Andy@xanga - nicely stated
I dunno. I think my mom is happy with my dad. Maybe not all the time, but who is happy with the same person all the time?
I think my parents are pretty happy together. I mean, yeah they have their ups and down, but they get along for the most part. And they treat each other well. My mom had to break a lot of rules with her parents to be with my dad. I don't think she would regret that.
My mom said yes because of me. We had a lot of issues growing up because of her resentment towards that decision, and it came out on me... cause the guy she said yes to bailed. Guess how many times it took her to get pregnant. From her first. ONCE. once. She was @ Point Loma Nazarene University... held the record for javalin (sp?) throw... played soccer, basketball, volleyball... and then got pregnant when all her friends started getting married. One mistake... she saw it as a mistake that took away her fun times as a college student. She got a second chance though
and he saved me too. If at first you don't win the game, keep playing. My mom likes me now... but high school, she didn't go to many of my games. Other people did, but the will to make me a better player came from the fact that I just couldn't make her happy. I was the skinnier, happier, lucky little girl that she never felt "worthy" of having. So I felt kinda worthless for a long time. But she likes me now 
My step dad John, he's a good translator... me and my mom don't speak the same language. We both think we're teachers! haha! My mom took a chance at love again, she actually jumped the gun with getting married the 2nd time because we didn't have insurance at the time. So I thought that was pretty cool... she got married because she wanted to take care of us, and the guy she married ended up taking care of me and my brother in a way, really I can't explain other than it saved my life. I was a very hurt little girl when I met him, and I cried a lot. He has never told me to stop crying. And never pulled away when I wanted a hug. My mom's generation had a lot of "single mistakes"... but you're never too old to have the adventure you were looking for in one way-shape-or form. My mom has helped both me and my brother through having children with somebody we didn't want to be with. We all learned how to really love each other through it. My brother still takes the sperm-doners name... but who knows what he's looking for. Personally (and getting off topic) I just think men don't like the fact that their father's names are branded on them as well. As if they have to live up to this "name". Whatever that name means to them. I know my brother's name... and it isn't Dempsey. But maybe it'll still be Dempsey when he finds what he's looking for... I know where it is, his name will stay the same... but his heart will change a lot. So much more than a name could ever change him. Justin (my bro) keeps loving barbi, just because the little mexican girl across the street stole his heart long ago. ha! I love barbi... but she's not gunna make my brother happy.
I've gotten WAY off topic here... so I'll just say, girls become lovers who turn into mothers.
xoxo
I know my mother wouldn't have married my father if she had known those 18 years ago. She's told me many, many times that there has never been any love in their relationship. That if her mother had been there, someone would have been able to guide her in the right direction - away from my father. It hurts sometimes knowing that the only reason she stayed with him is because of my younger brother and I.
I think because my mom had me when she was a teenager, things really weren't that different when she was growing up. There were no pressures for women to get married and they didn't feel the social obligations to do so. My mom talks about what she would have done if she had chosen not to marry my dad all the time, but she did chose to marry my dad and I think she is mostly happy with that decision.
My grandmothers were the ones that really experienced social pressures to get married. They were the ones raised to believe that if you were a woman there was something wrong with you if you didn't get married. My grandmother was the one who was forced to marry a man that she didn't really love by her father. I know if my grandmother had a choice, she would not have married my grandfather. She would have married another man.
I don't think my life would have been too much different if I were growing up with my mom as a sister or a friend instead of as her child. I would have still been able to get married when I wanted to and there would have been no social obligation to do so. If I would have grown up in my grandmother's time I would have likely been disowned, called a loose woman, or people would have thought that I was odd.
My parents are happy and in love. My dad has been a great father and husband, and I don't think there was ever really "another path" for my mom in the first place. From what I've gathered, the guys my mom dated before my dad were real douches anyway. I think she chose the best path available to her, and she knows it.
My relationship with my man isn't perfect and we've had some ups and downs, but I have no doubt in my mind that I will be happier with him than anyone else out there. He's a great father to our daughter and he's wonderful to me, and I'm fully confident that at 70 I'll still think I made the right choice.
I'm really not sure if my mom would have changed her mind if she could see how her life as it is now. She got married at 23 and at that time 23 was considered old. Most of her friends had gotten married right out of high school while she chose to go to dental assistant school. My dad was 32 (when they were married) and they had dated off and on for 6 years. They've been married for almost 34 years, have a nice home and 2 children who are doing well. My brother is gonna be a father in August so my parents have a grandchild to look forward to. I have a great job and make decent money. I think she would have still said yes.
Why do people insist on perpetuating the "fact" that 50% of marriages end in divorce?? NO, they don't! In the '70s during the woman's lib movement, when the divorce rate was soaring, researchers speculated that, IF the number of divorces continued to rise at the same rate, by 1990-2000 50% of marriages would end in divorce. It DID NOT keep rising at the same rate, it plateaued.
This isn't to say that divorce isn't a common problem--it is, definitely. But that so-called fact is incorrect.
Sorry, I realize I'm commenting on one throwaway number and not your entire post, which was thought-provoking and well written. This is just a pet peeve of mine.
My mother married at 31, which, even in 1980, wasn't that common. And I think this is part of the reason she would do it the same way again given the chance of a do-over. (At least I think she would.) As far as I understand, she and my father are still in love nearly 30 years later.
It's hard to say what I would have done back then. All my life, I've been told to get married when I have met someone I truly love, and if I never get married, that's ok, too. And that makes sense to me. But if I had been told all my life that I HAD to find a husband, who knows? I was told all my life that I HAD to go to college, and I did...
Back in the 1950s when my grandma got married, marriage was expected of women. It wasn't just an option like it is now. I wonder if she would have married if she could have seen into the future, but have never asked her and never plan to ask her.
She thinks that I don't plan on marrying and tends to act like it's still socially unacceptable for women to not marry. So she acts like I'm the worst granddaughter ever, while my sister (who married two years ago) is the best. Really I think she just wants more grandchildren, that's all.
What she doesn't realize is that, yes I do want to marry one day. I'm not planning to marry until she has passed away though.
I know my mom would since she always says it to us.. and so would my dad.
I know my mom would. She'd never admit to it because she doesn't regret any of the kids she has had, but the two guys she has married in her life turned out to be less than amazing. She's now 50 and is dating a legitimately decent guy. Better late than never.
My mom got married a month after her 18th birthday, 4 months after her highschool graduation, to my dad, who was 21 at the time. They had been dating and doing everything together for three years before that.
They've been together for over 30 years now. They had me eleven years after they got married, and there is no doubt in anyone's mind that if she had it to do over again she would.
well my dad was abusive, but my mother still says she wouldn't change a
thing. she loves us, and she's happy with who she is now, so she's
happy with the choices that got her here.
we all make the best decisions for us based on the information we have
at the time. you're talking about when your mother was young- 1980? i don't know where you're from, but by
that time here in the states, women did have
choices. she must have weighed the pros and cons and decided that was the best choice for her at that time.
i don't know what i would do if that were my set of circumstances. sometimes i think women in the earlier part of this century actually had it easier than we do now, BECAUSE their choices were limited. with great freedom comes great responsibility, if you will. i don't know who i would be if i'd grown up then, so i don't know what i'd do.
and if your mother is unhappy enough, she can always make different decisions now! even if she doesn't want to go it alone, she can find different hobbies, activities and friends that nurture her spirit. it's never too late to explore options.
Even if they could do things over they'd still fall into the same routine. The way people married was a product of the times, so you can't change the decisions they made unless you change the way the world thought that fueled those decisions.
@RazorBladeParade@xanga - that is a good point, but the idea is, if you had the knowledge an experience of the last 30 years and were given the opportunity, would you make the same decision.
@JennyGee@xanga - this is exactly what i was going to say, more or less.
my mother probably wishes she had done things differently, but i've asked her if she regretted marrying my dad so young. she said no, because it's made her be the person she is today, and her life would be so altered that she wouldn't know who she was if other things had happened to her.
i like that answer. plus my mom's getting married again soon, and couldn't be happier. she believes everything happened for a reason, and that there was a reason she married my dad - so she could get to this point in her life (this is her philosphy on why she took jobs, why she makes other decisions as well). she would have still said yes.
Reading through this, and through the subsequent comments, I got to thinking about it. Tracing back, if my grandparents could turn back time - would they? Would my parents? But then again, speaking as a mother of a pair of sons ages 16 and 17, I got to thinking: If
I could turn back time... and my answers had sort of spawned its own article. There I go again...
I certainly think my mother would have done things differently, had she known what was to happen down the road. But then, she was forewarned by my uncles, and chose to marry my father anyway. Maybe she'd still do the same dumb things again, just to have us girls, who knows.
I think my mother would've stayed on the path she chose. But sometimes I do fear making the wrong choice because of my parents' marriage. I just hope my future relationship will consist of more loving and less arguing than my parents' relationship has.
yeah I think my mother would have chosen another path......
But then again its their generation and their mistakes that gives us so much clarity about the possibilities now.
They went through it so we could change it and have it better.