Wednesday, 24 March 2010
-
Perfect but Maybe Not for Me
Okay, so I've been dating this guy for almost 6 months now. We met at school and had a class together. He's awesome. He's passionate about the music he plays in his band. He's handsome. He's really funny. He's really smart and does well in school.
He's not a jealous guy at all. He can grow a good beard. He's vegan (as am I). He doesn't drink or smoke (neither do I). He makes sure to text me everyday to make sure that I'm having a good day and to let me know he's thinking of me. Generally that's what I go for in guys. Very nice, very thoughtful, very funny.. etc.
But now that it's been a while it's getting, dare I say it, boring. My relationship has definitely lost its initial luster. I feel like I'm not being mentally stimulated by him. And in turn I feel as though I'm not as trendy as his last girlfriend and can't really compare to her Myspace angled pictures and super straightened over-dyed hair.
I find myself questioning why he even dates me. I'm not "cool" in any sense of the word, nor do I have any type of wow factor going for me. We can sit in the car for 45 or more minutes in total silence. And being somewhat social, I get totally turned off to chit chatting and a little bit hurt when he turns up the volume to his favorite Get Up Kids album in the car.
Why wouldn't he want to make an intelligent conversation with me? I'm not sure if it's just me or if these are things that I just never picked up on before. I may have found myself in a too comfortable, too predictable, and too convenient of a relationship.
But the problem that I present to you all is that I want this person to be with me, but I'm not sure if it's right if I even think about these things.
Could I just be over-analyzing or should I say goodbye to my dream boyfriend? Is there anything I can try to fix it? Or is there just no chemistry between us?
RecommendRelated Posts
Post a Comment
- Back to datingish's Datingish Site!
- Note: your comment will appear in datingish's local time zone: GMT -05:00 (Eastern Standard - US, Canada)
About the Author
-
- From: uhm_roar@xanga
- Name: uhm_roar
- Location: Massachusetts, United States
- About Me: i hate LIFE
Stats: This Week All Time Posts: 0 1 Views: 0 1339 Comments: 0 31 View all posts by uhm_roar@xanga
Comments (32)
Tell him exactly how you feel. Don't let your feelings and wants get shoved under the rug.
Don't doubt your allure and everything you have to offer. I'm sure you're a very interesting person. You're you, his ex is her own person, try not to compare yourself to the things in the past. Remember that he's with you now. I think that silence can be comforting, sometimes words don't need to be said.
Yes.
ohmygodohmygod, this is EXACTLY how my last relationship was. The guy was PERFECT on paper, exacly as you described, even down to the perfect ex girlfriend whom I was intimidated by, as well as the lack of conversation the boredom, etc.
I clung to that relationship for years too long. GET OUT NOW, it won't get any better. I'm sorry to say it, but I tried to make my relationship work for a long, long LONG time, and it ended up just hurting us both far more than it needed to. He might be perfect, but not perfect for YOU.
As someone who's been in almost this exact situation, I might be over-adamant here...so take me with a grain of salt if you want, but seriously: he's not your dream boyfriend if you guys are unable to talk about anything. Trust me... I tried it, and forcing conversation at some point becomes exasperating... and you just end up resenting the other person for not understanding you.. and your hurt each other as a result.
You end up feeling stifled and starving for substance. Anyway wow. I don't usually answer datingish stuff... but this one struck home. Maybe your situation is different, but all I have to say is listen to your heart, don't second-guess yourself and remember that your feelings are the ultimate truth. You cannot force them. Better to make the cut now, than to suffer more later. Trust me. It's not worth it in the long run.
Dump him. He's a Type A Narcissist. Charming, attractive, and smooth during the first 6 months but after that, he'll get bored of you and discard you like the toy doll that you are to him.
I know how you feel. I found my perfect guy for me, too, but then I started to lose interest.
I didn't tell him that. I think the issue was that we were seeing each other way too much.I know that's not an excuse really because I mean once you're married to someone you have to see them every single day, but since we're just starting out, I think it's okay to say that people may see each other too much sometimes or talk to each other too much sometimes.
We didn't tell that to each other but we wound up not seeing or speaking to each other for a week and I think that helped a lot.
Idk...maybe don't talk to him for a week I guess? Texting every day to me seems a bit overwhelming, maybe you'd like it, but to me it would be a bit much. Every other day would be better.
tsk u found ur dream boyfriend... and now u wanna say goodbye? why dont u try to work it instead?
Let him know what you feel about the relationship. It takes two to solve relationship problems. :D
People get bored of relationships. Some make the disappointing mistake of thinking that love has to do with the butterflies and novelty.. you're supposed to feel comfortable. But in your case, it seems that your relationship lacks the communicatio you desire. Don't break up. Just talk it out.. Tell him about how you feel that theirs a lack of connection when there's silence.. because you're the sort to find comfort in conversations. Absolutely nothing wrong with that.
I don't want to hop to conclusions. But just to put it out there for either you or anyone out there.. Love isn't all about excitement.
Some times we create drama in our own heads when things are going too right. We over analyze and start questioning things "he is too perfect" "he doesn't appreciate my qualities" these are all signs that things are going perfectly and it is severely freaking you out. You probably haven't a had a truly great, drama-free, worry-free relationship before. I know because I was you 6-9 months into my relationship and I really suggest that you never break up with a guy for being too perfect, because you will never have that problem again, and then you will definitely wish that you did. The big things like your comfortable silences making you uncomfortable--share those with him. But boredom isn't a bad thing, sometimes boredom is merely happiness. But as girls we do crave drama, we all think that we don't, but all of us get "bored" when we aren't arguing over texts, stressing about the fact that he ignores us, etc. And my biggest sign that you are searching for drama because you don't understand how to just be happy--you are looking at his ex gf on myspace and telling yourself that she makes you insecure. That is a situation you completely created for yourself. Think about it. I made the right decision to stick with what my head knew--he was perfect for me, and have never regretted it, and further into the relationship, as great as my fiance is, that drama happened all by itself just because he is a boy and I am a girl and now I miss those days when I was "bored". Please, please, trust me!
The question you have to ask yourself is "do I want to be in this relationship?" Yes, there are situations where looking logically at pros and cons are the right way to go. And to a certain extent, relationships are one of them. But when it comes to matters of the heart, logic and reason can only go so far. You have to ask yourself honestly if this is what you want. (And I don't mean break it off over one impulsive "I don't want this!" thought. I mean consider how you would feel about staying with him and having more of the same for a few more years, or the rest of your life, and then consider how you would feel breaking it off with him, never having a romantic relationship with him again, and dating someone very different from him.) Only you can decide that.
If you're questioning your relationship with him, you feel inadequate and you're bored with him... he's not your dream boyfriend.
I don't get it, are you bored with the relationship or do you think you're not worth his time? Cause if you're getting bored, do something exciting and out of the ordinary with him. You can't always expect him to make the first moves... and obviously he finds you attractive one way or another if he's giving his attention to you. So stop worrying so much and have fun with him!
And the only person that can answer the last part of your question is you. good luck to you both
I know how that is. I had a boyfriend who was too nice, smart, just everything in a guy. We would have so much fun, and our conversations were great. And then one day everything was just boring. We lost that spark. I tried everything to get it back. But I'm like this...If I'm feeling a certain way and its not a good feeling, its best to get rid of it right then and there, then to wait and think you could fix the problem. I tried that in every relationship I was in. I kept trying to fix something that was meant to be broken.
You know the answer, and I'm quite sure you already know what to do.
6 months in huh? Well then you're probably feeling bored and doubtful b/c the honeymoon stage has worn off. You're now comfortable and doubting whether this person is for you. That's part of the second stage, the power struggle. Its possible you're creating these issues in your head. Do some research about the stages of a relationship - its pretty enlightening.
@PopStar48@xanga - It's true; especially, about the "creating issues in your head" statement.
During tranquil moments of a relationship, the female starts finding problems in the relationship that "aren't really there". Soon or later, this all of a sudden gets sprung on the guy because since nothing has changed -- it appears to the guy nothing is or should be wrong.
A large reason for woman-related infidelity and divorce is simply because of feeling the bland everyday life of work and kids (i.e. bored).
sometimes silence is okay
What bothers me is that you think myspaced angled pictures are trendy.
A lot of relationships get boring after a while. But if you're questioning whether or not you want/should be with him, you probably shouldn't be/really don't want to be. But before you make any drastic changes, I'd say you should talk to him about your feelings, see what happens, and go from there.
Your relationship is not "too comfortable, too predictable, or too convenient". You mentioned a valid and important thing that's missing: intellectual stimulation. It's not super-important to everyone, but if you're craving it, it must be important to you. I hate to say it, but your boyfriend isn't "perfect" or your "dream boyfriend," because he doesn't provide the intellectual conversation that you need. He sounds perfect in every other respect. Perhaps you can fulfill this intellectual need through a friend? Or maybe you just never tried opening up to him in that way. Next time you have a philosophical or abstract thought/idea/question, bring it up and see if he has anything to say. Give him a good chance before you decide he isn't what you need.
"You can't always expect him to make the
first moves"
@StylishMudd@xanga - thank you!
why does the guys always have to do all the work? how about YOU start some intelligent conversation with HIM!?
hmmm i can definitely relate actually. i've been waiting for it to change for a looong time now, and perhaps it has. still not sure.
you sound like you have a lot of pretty legitimate concerns to me though. if you start questioning why you're even together in the first place, that's usually a sign that you shouldn't be.
i think you should voice your doubts to him first before doing anything else. let him know what's troubling you and give him time to respond.
@nimbusthedragon@xanga - i second everything you wrote.
and i've been there too. get out while you can. luckily for me, it only took five months.
yep
he's just not that into you
:(