Okay, so here's the scoop. A few months ago, one of my friends older brothers, who was home on leave from the army, took me out on a date. It was so much fun. Like, unbelievably amazing. We went to a shooting range and walked around the mall and got dinner. We talked so easily and I was ridiculously comfortable just being my insane self around him. However, I do have this problem to move a little too fast, so I was afraid that maybe all he had wanted was to nail me and be done. However, we did hang out once more before he left. He texted me every single day from Louisiana and before he shipped out to Afghanistan, he flew me down to Louisiana for a couple of days.
Here's where I am. I am absolutely in love with this boy. He makes me so happy and he's such a wonderful guy. However, I have no idea what he wants from me.
I'm too afraid to ask because he has all of these other commitments right now and is busy being super important and awesome. I have sent him letters and I've heard from him twice since he got over there about a month ago. I just wish I knew what he wanted from me and whether or not I'm supposed to wait for him. Was I just supposed to be a last fling or does he genuinely care about me?
What do you think? Has this ever happened to you before? Should I ask or just play it by ear?
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Comments (23)
he's probably feeling something similar-- since it's early, he can't necessarily ask you to wait for him, on the other hand, he might really like you. I guess I'd play it by ear.
I'd play it by ear, most military men are dogs (I know this from experience because I am a military wife, my father was in the military and my husbands father is in the military so I have heard stories and been treated disgustingly by other military men (my husband, father and father-in-law are great people though)). But like I said there are good ones. It also depends on how long he is deployed. Keep sending him letters, a relationship can evolve surprisingly fast that way. See where you stand in another month or two before really having a conversation about it. Its better to do in person but if it must be done in letter form don't seem to pushy because he has the option to just not respond. Good luck!
You should talk to him about it. Just see where hes at and what he wants out of it. If he's looking for a real relationship or something else. It couldnt hurt.
I was in the same place as you. When I first met my SO (hes in the Marines), we instantly connected and had a blast. He texted me all the time and always called me. Hed come to see me whenever he could.
I wasnt looking for a boyfriend at the time, and I assumed it wouldnt be that serious and we might just be friends, but we're still dating now and even living together.
He could be the same way, where even though it does seem to be going really fast, he could really want a serious relationship with you in the future.
However, I do know from listening to my SO talk that some men find girls while they're deployed just to have someone to talk to, because they're out there and have nothing.
I agree with the rest of them, its probably a good idea to ask him and get a sure answer! He probably doesn't want you to commit to him due to his situation in the military. I am an Army fiance and it does take a lot of work when they are away from home, and he probably doesn't want you guys to go through that since you guys were just starting to see if you were a compatible match. But keeping it casual and staying in touch while he is away is definitely not a bad thing...it keeps it a little less stressful in when you can actually see him!
move on. Do not wait for him!
If he wanted you to be his...he would have come out and say it,
Live your life and when he comes back, continue
consider it from his point of view. he hangs out with this great girl, has an amazing time with her, and then he has to go off to some country half a world away, with only intermittent communication to keep his ties to life back home. how would you feel?
chances are he's just as confused as you are, only he has all of these iron-clad (and contract-bound) responsibilities to consider when it comes to asking a wonderful girl to be in a relationship with him. he might be worried about how you'll react, whether or not you'll be comfortable being in a relationship with someone in the military, and whether you would even consider something so long-distance.
as for worrying that guys in the military are dogs, here's an important counterpoint: guys in the military tend to wander because their girlfriends/fiances/wives usually wander first, farther, and more openly. i am NOT saying that this always happens, but it happens too often to be a coincidence. one of my good friends got married to his high school sweetheart, only to have her clean out his bank account and run off with the closest man to lend her a shoulder to cry on the minute he got shipped out to iraq. i've met so many women who, instead of thinking about how their military husbands might like to receive a care package while stationed in MiddleOfNowhere, Kuwait, would rather go out partying and hook up with the first slob who offers to buy the drinks. not to mention my best friend was engaged to the girl of his dreams, and when he got back from a year-long sea deployment on his submarine, found out from an uncaring third party that his fiance already had a new boyfriend and had sold the engagement ring.
so if you're worrying that maybe he doesn't have the guts to ask you out, think about all the stories he's already heard, and seriously consider his viewpoint. there's every possibility that none of the things i've said have any import whatsoever on your situation, but there's also that possibility that they do.
Thanks everyone. =]
Being in the military its a little different from a females perspective.
I know, being one myself, the Marine guys see sex as a primary objective then if you both are compatible on more levels hes gonna try to hang onto you as long as you will let him. I wouldnt say this is necessarily the case but i will say this, not to crush any dreams or anything but women out GREATLY out numbered in the military so guys try harder to look for a women outside a "normal" one if you will. I have seen many men marry korean women japanese women phillipino, thai name it. If a guy who is in the military wants a relationship trust me, hes gonna hold onto it. The thing people dont realize is we are normal people too, we just have longer hours working...However being in any branch, you have to mature differently. Grow up fast have your inner child because youre doing a big kids job now. I say you wont know shit until it happens.
Live everyday when youre with someone because if you want to be with them and they want to be with you it will work. Im learning this the hard way. Thank god my fiance is a Marine too, its so much easier dating someone who understands what your going through mentally and physically and what youre saying when you start talking in acronyms...
Try to keep work talk to a minimum its a great help :)
I hope you guys work out!
I know it's *hard* to ask.
But the only way to know, is ask.
@Honey14 - I totally agree with you here. It's hard because of the negative stories like that, and he's probably just worried about a new relationship.
I would just continue to be there for him as much as you can. Give it some time before making any kind of decision, either for or against the relationship. Military relationships are hard, but they're good too. They definitely give you enough time to really miss the person, but the reunions are wonderful. :) And if you find out that you're not cut out for that kind of relationship, that's ok, too. But don't miss out on a potential good relationship just because he's in the military.
Go with it, live your life, alot of guys get attached to a girl and then they get really into her and while he's gone she takes his money, anything she can get her hands on, if you want to be there when he gets back, then do it, but I wouldn't talk about it yet. And no I don't think he wanted a fling, he's probably just trying not to get hurt because so meny of the darlings do.
I knew a guy growing up who married a girl right before he shipped out, he had known her a while and she just took his cash and bolted while he was over seas.
Not saying you would do something like that, but it happens all to often so I would just enjoy what you get and let it go for a bit tell he gets settled over there.
If it's his first trip it's going to be really hard for him at first. Just write to him, alot, like once a week about anything, mail is like gold over there, and the boys (and girls) need all the gold they can get.
@materialactress@xanga - I think you'll just have to ask him, because thats a really confusing situation to be in. There's no other way to find out.
I hope it all works out :)
@coralcwayla@xanga - @Honey14 - I agree with both of you -- those stories are awful and I definitely don't want to hurt him, but I can see how he would be afraid.
OMG ASK HIM!!! or just say that your falling for him, and if he feels the same way that should prompt him to tell him how he's feeling.
I've fallen in love with a guy in the navy. and because hes been deployed to my city (they're building a few navy ships in the suburb where i have a part time job), our relationship has moved INSANELY fast. but from my experience, im just glad that we've told eachother how we felt right from the very beginning, and thats whats helped something beautiful to grow in the short amount of time that we've had together.
good luck!
@s2__light_as_a_feather__s2@xanga - Thank you! I did actually just send him a letter telling him how much I cared about him. I didn't really ask him but I did share my feelings so at least they're out there, and I guess all we can do now is wait. =]
The funny thing I've found about military guys is that oddly... they all seem to be looking for marriage. I've talked, like, *talked* with a couple, and known several friends who dated them. And most of the time, they seem to be rushing to the altar.
I think being totally honest and straight up about how you feel is the best way to handle it, even if that's hard.
@punkybeki@xanga - I completely agree, they really do look for marriage. Its where part of their military training accidentally leaks into their civilian life. My soldier and I's 5 month anniversary is today and we have been engaged since February 12th! O.o
But its not a bad thing. They are very committed in every aspect of their life (the sweet ones that don't cheat anyway), and because of what you endure you respect and enjoy your relationship that much more! :)
I don't think he'd leave you here, and not want anything. My ex went into the army, but I mean, it is different for you. I would, if you really love him, I'd play it by year and see how it goes. I don't think he'd drag you along while he was doing something as important as he is.
you'll never know unless you ask. So ask. If you can't ask him something simple like this, then you shouldn't be with him anyways.
i would never date a guy in the military. not just because of the distance thing, but every guy i've ever met who's been in the military is either kind of a douche bag to begin with or turns into one after they've been stationed for long periods surrounded by douche bags. (not to mention the horrific experience of being in a war. i honestly think that it corrupts people)
plus, everyone i know who's been with a military guy ends up getting treated like shit. (except guys who were drafted in vietnam or other earlier wars, i think its the guys who voluntarily join who are the asses) some girls are into that though. they romantisize the idea of being with someone who's "manly" or whatever, they like the drama that it brings, the agonizing time spend away from their loved one, etc. the type of girls who liked the movie "dear john"
so yeah, if you're into that sort of thing, go for it. to each their own.
I think that if he genuinely cares, you should be able to tell.
Be careful with this. There is so much to know about military relationships and how they work. I myself am just getting out a marriage with a man in the military. I don't want to dash your hopes but those guys go out into these dangerous places and their minds are elsewhere. They get lonely and just the thought of a sweet girl at home is not enough to curb that loneliness. I can't say that I'd recommend dating a military guy to anyone. It's a lot of heartache, not because they are ALL cheaters, but because the continual leaving over and over and over takes a toll (and..well...many of them cheat out of loneliness). It's difficult to maintain a relationship with a military guy without marrying him (can't live together without being married and girlfriends don't exist in the eyes of the military). This was the driving force in my decision to get married and it was for the WRONG reason and we failed miserably. It was painful and my scenario is not unique. I would have rather stayed far away then wasted 4 years waiting for someone who wasn't waiting for me.
@babymeatball@xanga - You could not have described my experience with a military man better than this. You are so uncannily correct. He turned into a douche bag after joining and was continually surrounded by fellow douche bags. We're getting a divorce because he indeed treated me like shit. Naive little girls need to stop watching "Dear John" and be warned. Plus, no military guy I ever knew acted like that character. They've all been emotionally shallow pricks.