Monday, 22 March 2010
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Big May Be Beautiful, but Not in My Bed
I glanced at the clock for the third time -- it was barely past 8 a.m., a little too soon to call Sara for a post-Friday night Match.com date debriefing. But as I started to make my second cup of coffee, my cellphone rang.
It was Sara.
"So, how'd it go with Frank?"
"Uh, well, he's a really nice guy."
Being called a "nice guy" is the equivalent of having a "nice personality" if you're a woman. It couldn't have gone well.
"All right, so what's wrong with him?"
"Well, he didn't look much like his picture. He had a lot less hair, but that doesn't bother me. But he was a lot fatter, and that does bother me."
"Chubby fat or fat fat?"
"Hey, fat is fat, and he's fat. We went to that new Mexican place and he ate so much that I just wanted to grab the fork away from him and tell him to stop eating already! It just makes me so depressed when people do that."
"That's more your issue than theirs, don't you think? You're starting to sound like that crazy anti-fat woman, MeMe Roth."
"Are you kidding? Remember when we went to that singles' mixer and none of the guys hit on the fat women, and you said something snarky about Darwin dating and that if the women would only lose a few pounds, they might find it easier to get a date?"
"Yeah, although I'm not sure being skinny makes it any easier to find love."
"Whatever. But just don't be such a hypocrite. You've told me you'd never date a fat guy."
True, I have told her that, because I wouldn't. Does that make me shallow?
I don't think so.
I wouldn't date guys for a lot of reasons, like if they were born-again fundamentalists, smokers, potheads, card-carrying NRA members, ran a meth lab, thought nothing of dropping several thou in Vegas weekly or who were heavily into body modification.
They might all be, as Sara's date was, very nice guys, but I'm just not interested. They obviously don't share the same values I have, but I'm sure there are some great gals out there who do share those values -- just as there are plenty of men who want to date fat women, and vice versa.
Would anyone say I'm shallow for rejecting men like that? No. But tell someone that you're not interested in dating a fat guy or gal, and -- ohmigod! -- you're seen as mean, superficial and downright prejudiced.
Why?
Of course, rejecting fat people means I've had a much more limited selection of potential partners. That's because Americans are fatter than ever -- about a third of us are overweight. Women are about 19 pounds heavier, and men are packing an extra 17 pounds on them than when I was in my 20s. And that was the last time I actually hung around with a fat guy.
Tom was in a few of my college classes, and we became fast friends. He was funny, smart and sweet. He was also super-wealthy, and was being groomed to take over his family's highly successful business.
We spent a lot of time together, going to the movies, trying new restaurants, hitting the clubs. One night after we'd gone out to dinner, Tom kissed me as he invited me back to his home. "My parents are away; we can get naked and jump in the hot tub."
I froze. I thought we were just friends, but I was sensing that he saw our relationship differently. And the last thing I wanted to do was see him naked. So I had to tell him that as much as I loved him as a friend, I wasn't sexually attracted to him, and sex is really important to me.
What I didn't tell him was why.
Could I have hung around waiting for him to lose weight? After all, he had a lot of attributes I wouldn't kick out of bed. And if I were the type of person for whom wealth mattered, well, I would have had a very, very plush life being Tom's little missus.
I don't know, but I wouldn't have even known where to start that conversation. You can't hope or demand that someone change who he is to please you, and he shouldn't do that anyway. If people want to change, they need to do it for themselves -- and I had no idea if Tom wanted to change or not.
I'm all for the fat acceptance movement because you can't love anyone else if you don't love yourself first. But I don't have to love the way everyone else looks nor do I expect everyone to love the way I look, either.
And that's a lesson Sara learned.
She had been freaking out about what to tell Frank if he asked her out again. So when he called, she'd prepared a nice way of telling him that she wasn't interested in him. But Frank beat her to the punch.
"I enjoyed meeting you, Sara," he told her, "but I really have a thing for petite blondes. Good luck, though."
Petite blondes? How shallow!
Are you on board with the fat acceptance movement? Would you date someone you weren't completely physically attracted to?
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- From: KatWilder@momaroo
- Name: KatWilder
- About Me: I am the middle-aged divorced mom of a teen who blogs about single moms, parenting, dating, midlife, divorce, relationships, sex and life at http://katwilder.com/
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Comments (120)
Well, I guess you can't fancy everybody. If you dont like fat or skinny, real or fake, city or country people, someone else does.
lol that pic up there is so nasty...
i'm totally in your boat, would not be able to date a fat guy. the physical attraction just wouldn't be there, even if i tried.
ok i need someone to explain to me what fat acceptance is because the definition of fat that i think of is pretty much overweight but the main ones campaining this are obese which is completely different than a few extra lbs. i dated someone who was larger and someone who was thin and while the larger guy was nicer, he was abit awkward in the sheets while the thinner one had no troubles plus i go after smaller guys. the reason a heavier set girl who isnt toned and tight(didnt say anything about being thin)wont get much attention from guys is cause she looks like she doesnt take care of her body. to see a girl with a back that looks like a busted can of biscuits is a complete turn off. theres no reason for anyone to be fat if they do what they're supposed to do which is excercise and eat right. then there would be no such notion of fat acceptance bullshit but thats just me.. i've decided not to just settle for anyone just because i'm lonely. ofcourse personality is good but its also great to have a nice looking guy in the picture as well. a nice trim studd muffin
I become really physically attracted to somebody only after I find their personality endearing. When I first get interested in men, the first thing I think of is how nice they are or how funny they are. Of course attraction plays a major role in developing relationships but mere physical beauty is not going to make me want to get to know anybody's name. There are so many good-looking people in my school yet I cannot seem to even want to associate with any of them.
It's not shallow to not be attracted to somebody but people seem to cancel out a whole category of people that they're never going to date which doesn't really make sense to me. But people have their own tastes. I know somebody who will be interested in a girl so long as she has nice legs. It doesn't even matter for him how her face looks, if she has nice legs, he'll automatically want to get to know her. Needless to say, out of all the people he's been attracted to, he only fell in love with one and she doesn't have nice legs at all. So I think people can surprise you. I babbled too much..
So, I agree with everything you said except...did you just call HIM shallow?
Ok my husband is not as big as the man in the picture and if my husband was that big, he probably would not be my husband. My husband is the only man I have ever dated that is out of shape. Before I meet my husband I wouldn't even talk to guys that were overweight. If I divorce my husband, I will never ever date another man that is overweight (chubby, out of shape, or any other word for fat). Does that make me shallow? Absolutely, but I could care less.
Honestly... I'd prefer a bigger guy (not obese, but a bit chubby) to a skinny little guy any day. Also, I'm a tad bit on the chubbier side too, so I don't have room to judge guys with a little pudge.
Anyways, personality is totally key here anyway. Especially if you're looking for a long lasting relationship, because everyone changes with age. So, chances are, your hottie isn't going to be so sexy when he's in his older years. But then again, a lot of people aren't really looking for lifetime relationships these days.
The guy I currently am interested is on the heavier side. He's not obese, by any means, and he's actually quite "buff," but he does have some pudge. I definitely was attracted initially to who he was, rather than what he looked like.
Attractions are attractions, can't help that.
If you're not attracted to someone, you're not. No amount of alcohol will blur your vision that much. If you do sleep with someone you're not attracted to? Your ass has been Roofied!
I dated a fat guy for over 2 years, after previously only dating skinny males. It remains to date the longest and most successful relationship I've had. The main reason why our relationship ended? He got tired of being tied down at a young age (we dated from 17 to 20) and there were a number of other girls that were interested in him, despite his weight.
Even though I'm now dating another skinny guy (he actually weighs less than me), it's not solely his physique that attracted me to him. It was his personality, just as it's been with the rest of my boyfriends. Personality is what ultimately cements my attraction to another person, although being good looking and good in bed certainly help the situation.
Also, being a nice guy and having a nice personality are by no means insults or deal breakers in my book. Why would I want to date someone that's nasty, rude, abusive, or otherwise lacking in basic manners? That argument makes absolutely no sense.
It's not all about body size for me. It's about the person as well. I have been with different sized men and it's all good.
This is strange I notice its mostly woman on here bashing the fatty's. I am a plus size woman and I get lots of dates. But it is interesting because even though I am plus-sized I dont like overweight men. I cant help what I am attracted too. And I understand if a man isnt attracted to me because of my size. No one should ever settle :) it's not fair to either person.
But I wonder if anyone else has noticed this..All the obese men I have ever seen have small penis's. Why is that?
Of course physical attraction is the first thing people see, but it doesn't necessarily mean it's the end of the world. If you're not physically attracted to the other person, then obviously you're not going to date him/her immediately. However though, if over time that person reveals inner beauty, than the physical attribute wouldn't matter so much anymore...
Ok first off, that pic is a gross exaggeration. Secondly, what is "Fat" really? I've seen some people defined fat as over 300 pounds & some if you're too curvy. There's always a preference but if you put so much freaking emphasis on how someone looks, you'll never be happy. I'm not naive, I know physical attractiveness is a factor but to say you wont date someone because "they're fat" is MORE than shallow, it's ignorant if you ask me.
I'm not a supermodel & I never will be & I dont expect my future boyfriends or husband to be ripped like the terminator but as long as we love each other & he treats me right, I dont care how he looks.
This post is rather disappointing, Datingish.
so...i think that being overweight is directly linked to a plethora of health problems, since this is a fact "fat acceptance" is bull shit. you don't just accept that you are killing yourself and love yourself for it to build self-esteem. you get self-discipline and kick your addiction (to food, the couch, etc.) to the curb. I know it is hard! For a lot of people fat is hereditary, a lot of women definitely are at a disadvantage after giving birth...but you can do it. You can have the body you were meant to have and not be carrying an extra burden of weight on you everyday that brings down your life quality. I am not talking about the average sized girls with healthy curves looking in the mirror saying "I'm fat!" I am talking about being overweight and obese. We were not all created to look like Jennifer Aniston--but we weren't meant to look like Chris Farley either.
So what I am saying is, I would never date a fat guy, not just because I find it unattractive, but because by choosing to continue stuffing his face and sitting around instead of doing something about it, I would find his habits extremely self-destructive and depressing. Just like an alcoholic that won't give up drinking, or a smoker that doesn't care that they are begging to die early of lung cancer.
funny thing, i was dating a bigger dude until yesterday and he just said forget it.
an out of shape guy is a turn off for me as well. i'm thin and work hard to keep my shape, and i feel like if i take care of myself, so should you. i know that there people have problems with their metabolisms and thiroid problems but i wouldn't be talking to that guy to begin with if he had bigger boobs than me.
by the way, it took me FOREVER to read because i was intrigued to click on every link that was directed in this post. =P
@X_LuvMeNot_X@xanga - She was just kidding
My boyfriend is definitely short and chubby. But, surprisingly enough, his entire personality is sexy. He's funny and sweet and an amazing guitar player. So, yes, I absolutely would date a fat guy. As long as he cares about hygiene. And doesn't breathe loudly.
@Jane - I second everything you just said about the 'fat acceptance movement'!!!!!!!
Ha. Sex with fat guys just doesn't work...
i totally agree. she doesnt hafta be drop dead gorgeous, but i would say she MUST take care of her body/be in shape before i really even wanna know what her personality is like. im sorry. it just means a lot to me
i'm not really into fatties either. a lil ralph cramdon can be cute, but any more than thats not my thing. i generally go for skinny boys.
i was in the same situation as you and your fat friend, except i fell for the bait. i could easily say i'll never date a fat guy, and completely mean it, except oops,i am right now. it's...a struggle.
@Utoppia - false.