My SO and I are in college--we basically live together, have been best friends for a year and a half and have been dating for about 7 months. Everything has been wonderful and I can't imagine being in love with anyone else.
A few weeks back, the two of us were hanging out with a mutual guy friend of ours, and we were talking about the future--you know, life post-college. My SO, who has a great way of reading people, said that he thought that the mutual friend and his girlfriend (they've been together for almost a year, and are in a similar position as my SO and I) were going to get married at some point. This, for me, was a strange thought--if he thought that about our friend and his girlfriend, has this crossed his mind about our relationship?
Well, we were having dinner tonight and the topic of this conversation came up. Then, in the midst of it, he asked me, "do you think you'll get married?"
"I don't know--probably," I said. I didn't know what would be the best thing to say, responding to the person I'd be most likely to spend my life with.
I didn't tell him that it bothered me when he said this, because that would mean saying that "well I would get married someday, but the only person I can imagine marrying is you," and that's not really something that I think BF's tend to like to hear. You know, saying something like that would take our relationship into a level of seriousness that I don't think either of us are really ready for. But I can't help but wonder--what did it mean for him to say that?
Does it mean that he's never thought that us getting married someday was a possibility? That I'm just the person who he continually tells that he loves, who is his best friend, who does his laundry when he's stressing about med school applications, who he has great sex with, who he opens up to--but I can never be "the one?" Or, would a more apt interpretation be that he's a guy who, though maybe he could picture us being married, is a
guy and therefore talking about things like marriage in more than the abstract is scary as hell?
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Comments (36)
guys are generally scared to open up about stuff like that. they don't like planning too far ahead in the future, and they are afraid of being shot down.
i've been dating my boyfriend for 3 years and he just recently told me that he wants to marry me and have kids and all that. and that was when he was drunk and we were fighting. we have an awesome relationship, we've lived together for 2 years, we are the most stable couple that i know of. and it took him 3 years to tell me this.
i don't like to bring the stuff up, because guys generally do get freaked out and think we're clingers or whatever. some guys are different. i dated my ex for like 3 months and he was talking about a future with me within the first couple weeks. we fizzled out real fast. its not always good to rush into that sort of thing.
in the end, you've only been dating 7 months. i'm not terribly surprised he doesn't want to talk about commitment at this point. that's totally normal. its a good sign that he's even mentioning the word marriage at all. he's probably just feeling out what your opinion is to use as a future reference.
It sounds like your boyfriend is considering the thought with you...but you guys have only been dating for less than a year; too premature in your relationship to actually jump to the next level. So he's just curious about how you feel. My boyfriend like yours, has brought up the point several times since the beginning of our relationship. He always asked me indirectly (i.e. where do I want to live when I'm done with school, how many kids, etc.) It's nearly four years later and we are finally discussing the next step (getting married).
Usually guys are not ready to get marry till 30 because they need to be financialy stable. Some marry early though, it really depends on the guy if he knows what he wants in life and is his future is with you or not.
What again?? Not a chance!! Much easier to just write a cheque for half of everything you own.
Marriage is obsolete....look at the stats.
i think all teens, little kids, including me won't able to married this nlife maybe next life. don't u say?
Don't expect him to want to marry you after seven months. That's just setting yourself up for heartbreak.
I never want to get married but the future isn't predictable.
I don't see the point of marriage. I mean, what's keeping two people from spending their lives together anyway that marriage has to happen? Marriage or not, nothing is really guaranteed to last forever so I don't see the necessity of having documents that stamp two people to be with each other. I used to be scared of talking about marriage just because my boyfriend might actually be considering it but we're both open-minded so we can casually talk about anything. He doesn't want to get married as well so that eases me up a bit. It has nothing to do with not wanting to be with each other. It just seems really pointless.
again? my astrochart says yes.
for now, i guess it's a tad too early to talk about marriage!!
this is the period where both of u should have fun and not overly serious! i mean, u're still in college, too early to settle down!
Comming from a guys point of view, I think he wants to know were you're standings are relationship wise. He's probably the serious type and wants to know what you're intensions are with the relationship; Whether if you're serious or just in it for the experience? It's never to early or too late to think about settling down, it's really up to you to decide whether if it's too early to be thinking about things like that.. Everybody is different... Take me for instance, I almost married my high school sweetheart..
Why think about getting married while you're in school? I'm not considering it until after I graduate. If I get engaged before I graduate, so be it. But I definitely won't be tying the knot before I get done with my Bachelor's! I would love to be married by the time I'm 26 though =)
Jeez, silly. Life isn't a movie or a fairytale.
You're reading too much into it, in my opinion.
If he brought it up, and he seemed calm and at ease when he said those words, he probably has no reservations about it. To get that thought out in the open - THAT is a huge step in itself.
It is what it is.
If you feel he's cryptic, ask him about it. Talk to him some more. He'll probably just validate that you're overthinking things.
7 months....he is definitely feeling you out. The millionaire matchmaker (the smartest relationship guru around in my opinion) says that a girl shouldn't freak about the marriage talk until a year into the relationship. At that point if a future together hasn't been planned or discussed then you need to bring it up. Not an ultimatum just a clear conversation stating that this is what you want and you hope he wants to. If he doesn't start reciprocating the feelings in a few months, you need to move on, because eventually he will find a girl who inspires him to want to settle down, and when guys figure it out they usually tend to figure it out fast.
But I would agree with the other commentors--he is talking about you. He is finding out if you are compatible when it comes to a lifelong commitment and values in that area because he has realized the same thing you have--he wants it to be you. So don't worry--the other talk is right around the corner.
And all the other commentors that are telling you he needs to be 30 or not to worry about it because you are young and in college--you aren't on thier time line. Only you know if you are ready for marriage and as long as you are honest with yourself there is no point in listening to complete strangers opinions about how your life should run. Just remember that people with completely personal bad experiences tend to project their sucky history onto everyone else's current situations.
@music_of_the_heart08@xanga - She isn't you--that's why. second of all, because she has met the guy she wants to be her husband now, so why wouldn't she be thinking of that possiblity now? no one said she wasn't gonna wait till after graduation for the wedding, she just said now is when she is thinking about the future. pretty smart girl thinking of the future if you ask me. At least she isn't fantasizing that prince charming is going to magically appear on her door step the day after graduation and after a great relationship get married on her 26th birthday like some girls who believe that the ideal timeline happens all by itself because it is the "smart" way to be.
@ossumisu@xanga - I guess for some people it has a lot to do with rights... This might not apply to you (I'm assuming you mean marriage is pointless in your case), but I can see some potential benefits of marriage that may apply to others that I never really thought about before:
if you have a kid, marriage allows both to have equal custody of the kid... financial benefits & tax breaks (having to only do one set of taxes even)... makes financial decisions like going in on a house easier... if you partner is sick, no questioning by doctors to be in the medical room with him... privacy if you ever have to go to court, don't have to divulge your conversations... family leave from work to care for spouse... right to make final burial arrangements etc.... you can live in 'family zoned' housing areas... your spouse can sign leases for you both... visiting rights in jail... if you're young enough (under 25) you become independent which can be good if you are going to school and need financial aid... family rates for health/auto/etc insurances... tuition discounts & can use school facilities that your spouse goes to (can sometimes get housing together on campus)... can make medical decisions for your spouse
@Jane - Thanks for the sweet response. Contrary to the hypothetical situation you conjured up, I have been in several serious relationships, thanks. I am by no means, "waiting" for a man to show up. The whole point of this site is for a reader to give their opinion on the situation, which is exactly what I was doing, and then the author can take what he or she wants to from it. Excuse me for stating my opinion on a site asking for my opinion. Have a great day.
@msnatalie27@xanga - Well, I see the technical benefits of it. XD I guess my point was that love does not always have to lead to marriage to somehow 'prove' that it is love. Haha, it's not like I've completely put an 'X' mark on marriage altogether as if it's a bad thing. I am just really disappointed with the divorces and the cheating and all that. >_>;
Don't go on thinking that way. Just clear it. Because at this point, it's probably too early to even have that concrete thought. My boyfriend and I have been together for over two years and we have talked about getting married (in 5 years). It might just be a fantasy idea but honestly we go on with our relationship without much talk about that. We're just living in the now instead of what may come. Just live and be happy. What comes will come.
Honestly, we can never know what goes on in some one else's head. But generally, from what I've observed (like many others have previously posted), tend to avoid situations where they are vulnerable. So they subtly ask or come up sidelong with the subject that they want to discuss.
@zockonzockon@xanga - I agree 100%! Finally someone who tells it like it is!
:)
just tell him that, i mean, why not?Sometimes guys like us girls want to know what your general idea of your future would include. I'd say, all he wanted to know was whether or not you see marriage as something you would have in your life at some point.
Honestly all guys are different. But My boyfriend and I talk about marriage constantly. We can't wait for the day that we get married! haha And he absolutely LOVES it when I say things like "well I would get married someday, but the only person I can imagine marrying is you." Keeping in mind my boyfriend and I just hit our 8 month mark. We plan on getting married shortly after he finishes school.