Sunday, 21 March 2010
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5 Ways to be Less Needy
One of the biggest turn-ons to a guy is a confident, happy, independent woman. However, even those of us who think of ourselves as fabulous, accomplished women can act needy and clingy sometimes. Here are some tactics to use when you think that you are being too needy with your man.
5 Ways to be less needy:
1. Treat calling your boyfriend like candy. I’ve said it a million times, and I’ll say it again.Men do not like talking on the phone as much as women do. Rather than picking up the phone and calling your boyfriend several times a day or whenever you feel like it, treat calling your boyfriend like a decadent treat—something to be indulged in every once and awhile but not to be enjoyed so often as to ruin the specialness of it. When you let your boyfriend call you, you are sure to have his full attention and to give him plenty of time to miss you. The next time you feel a nagging feeling to call your boyfriend, treat it like a candy craving. Is there something you can use to substitute calling your boyfriend to satisfy the craving? Such as…
2. Call a girlfriend, an aunt, or grandma, or some other woman who likes talking on the phone. Sometimes we feel like calling our boyfriends just to gab, and that is a complete waste of your boyfriend-calling credits. You will come off as needy, erode the mystique that drew the guy to you in the first place, and probably end up trying to keep him on the phone longer than he wants to be. If you simply must talk to someone, call a fellow woman and pour your heart out.
3. Journal. The best person to help you solve your problems is often yourself. Rather than running to your friends, parents, or boyfriend whenever you have a problem, take time to journal about it and reflect upon the situation. Is there something you can do right now to fix the problem? Is it really even a problem at all? Light a candle, put on some great Brazilian music, and start journaling away! You’ll feel much better, and get all your feelings out on paper rather than burdening someone else with your anxieties.
4. Don’t talk to your guy when you are really tired, stressed, or depleted. The men in our lives want to be there for us when we are in need of support. Unfortunately, the way most men want to be there for us is to “fix” the problem—rather than listen to us pour our hearts out like we’d like to do. This results in the two of you being very frustrated with one another. You don’t think he’s listening, and he thinks you’re just whining. Rather than turning to your guy when you are absolutely drained of energy, take time for yourself to take a bath, read a magazine, and just relax. Men are more than happy to give us the space we need when we are stressed or tired. The problem is that we often don’t take the time and space to rejuvenate ourselves. It is not your guy’s job to keep you happy and fulfilled. That’s your job.
5. Don’t fish for compliments and reassurance. I am infamous for fishing for compliments from my boyfriends. It’s not that I have low self-esteem or doubt their feelings for me. It’s just that it feels so good to hear them say nice things! (My love language is words of affirmation!) Even if it feels great to have your boyfriend say wonderful things about you every single day, it feels even better for him to say them whenever he is moved to do so. Although fishing for compliments may seem all in good fun to you, it makes you come off as needy and bossy. Don’t do it!
I have lots of other suggestions for how we CrazyGirls can be less needy, but I’d like to hear your idea: What are some ways to be less needy with your SO?
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About the Author
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- From: CrazyGirl
- Name: Kaneisha
- About Me: I provide dating and happiness advice for Crazy Girls and the people who love us at http://crazygirlnation.com. I love to read, write, and give advice.
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Comments (59)
Gotta agree here...I lived with one of my friends for a little while, and he was dating this girl who called him literally 20 times in a row at like 9am, because he wasn't answering. MInd you, he was passed the hell out on the couch. She didn't leave a messgae or anything, just kept hanging up and calling back, than proceeded to text my other friend asking why he wasn't answering her. I think she should read this =p
As far as what I would add, get back to me lol...I fully agree with everything you posted
About #4: I would love it if my boyfriend allowed me to vent to him when I needed to, but he usually doesn't listen. He just gets angry at me most of the time for being depressed or upset. I don't understand it. Is it lack of empathy? Lack of patience? Conversely, he talks all the time, and I do my best to stop what I am doing for a moment and listen to him. I'm ordinarily an exceptionally quiet person, so when I do say something, it's usually important and I want to be heard. It only seems fair that he should listen to me with all the talking and complaining he does.
It bothers me that this assumes that females are needy and males are not...when I (a male) can and will be just as "needy" sometimes more than the girl friend.
If you get into a relationship where you share problems, there is bound to be points where emotions will be shared and venting will occur. It is the job of the one receiving to let the person know when enough is enough and to give credence or explore some of these problems.
No 2 and No 3 contradict each other, first you are saying to go to other people and voice your concerns and then you are saying not to do so, that a journal might be more productive. Some people will never keep a journal, and often times people will voice their anxieties to other people because they are afraid what their lover might say, which can be a terrible habit to break.
Many of these things are entirely dependent on relationship chemistry and the definition of needy. Is that synonymous with insecure? Some relationships have entirely different concepts of needs and needy. And the person that is dedicating too much time to the relationship may indeed have insecurities they need to deal with and do so with their respective partner.
1 and 2 are pretty good. I mean, I like the girls I'm with, that's kind of obvious, but they don't really need to call me more than once a day "just to talk". Call me once at the end of the day when everything is happened.
4 is well said also. My girlfriend tends to do this with me. I mean, I'm emotionally there for her, but I constantly find myself trying to give advice... which she doesn't want. She has learned that her friends are better for this than I am.
First of all, I give out compliments a shit ton. I feel kind of bad because I'm sure they don't sound as special after a few months of it, but if I see my girlfriend and she looks really cute then I'm going to tell her. Of course I'm dating her, so I think she's cute all the time and I tell her so. However, if a girl is obviously fishing for compliments, I will be stone silent and simply slough off the remark. It is possibly one of the most unattractive things to me. I don't care if she's fine with how she looks, I hate hearing girls cast out a line. I'll promptly toss it back.
Okay. So I definitely think you have some valid points. But lately I have definitely been hitting the same issue over and over again. I am, like you, words of affirmation. I need them to feel loved. If I don't recieve words compliments and verbal build up I literally don't feel loved. I don't need a lot of time and energy. I don't need a lot of action. I mostly just need words. My fiance doesn't get this. Despite numerous conversations of me begging him to tell me how he feels he just won't.
So I know the advice is, "if he isn't who you want him to be break up with him" but breaking up with him isn't something I plan to do. So looking for another solution I know I need to just wait for those very, very rare occasions where he does compliment me of his own accord. But considering me and you are both verbal affirmation, and we both need those compliments to feel truly loved, is it okay that we are in relationships that are basically starving us of love as we know it? How do we deal with that?
I can see your point in a lot of what you're saying, but... it's as if you're saying one's SO isn't their best friend. To me, they should go hand in hand. So... this isn't really gonna apply to me.
what about the guys being needy?!
Lol, what if the men are the one being needy? XDXD This post amuses me.
why is being needy bad?
"
Severalof the biggest turn-
offsto
[me]are confidence, happiness, and independence, in a woman."
fixed ^^happy people in general... their unknowing satirical acts depress me.
independent people... beyond not being able to exist, sound very lonely and thereby inherently tragic to me.
confident people... seem to lack curiosity, and innocence.
out of your list i dislike #3; it will make one mind more closed off to new perspectives. though meditating about thoughts and reflecting is good. the rest of the list is GREAT :D
being overly needy is an issue for some, but i wonder if trying to change yourself for your SO without talking about 'the issue' is really a great idea... i mean you might change part of you which the SO is in love with... idk, just i've seen it happen before
haha im guilty of #4. i should really stop
I really don't like this post at all. I mean, your advice is so...bad.
What is this,1953? Women, stay quiet because men don't care either way. And don't call them all the time, because they hate it. And won't want to compliment you.
Are you serious?
In what universe does anyone follow those "ways"?
First of all, I hate that you stereotype. You really think guys can't be needy?
Second of all - and this is to everyone else. Don't listen to her advice. Do it in a way that suits your relationship. My guy LOVES talking on the phone more than I do. He talks to me at least 2-3 times a day, plus we constantly text [after two years of dating, it's become part of our daily routine]. I'm not needy and neither is he, but we do talk and that means when I have a problem, I do tell him. And he will not get annoyed by it.
I'm just really surprised how some people agree missing the big part that this is so old school.
why do girls call their boyfriends if they aren't in a long-distance relationship? people actually do that, like just to talk? i don't get it. why don't you just hang out in person? or wait until you're hanging out in person? perhaps i'm confused.
@methodElevated@xanga - same here. annoying.
I'm a guy and I like talking on the phone. I didn't use to 6-7 years ago, but now I do. Especially since being in a LDR, it makes me happy to hear her voice.
I didn't like talking on the phone a lot until my LDR with my boyfriend. I only see him every 2-3 months and we're restricted to phone calls, texts, fb, and very rarely with Skype. I do call him a lot and I feel like I appear needy...but it's the only way we have to communicate (I'm also comforted by his voice). I do also like words of love/affirmation. :P
@supaflychikn@xanga - I wonder the same thing.
@Jane - That's a hard one. I definitely feel starved of words of affirmation at times, but it's because he's showing his love to me in his language--acts of service. Have you tried figuring out what his language is and trying to speak it more? I do not mean to GIVE more and DO more. In fact, it's often more effective to give less when you want a man to give more (more on that in another post). However, if he starts to feel more loved by receiving love in his language, he may be more apt to reciprocate.
@feelslikejuly@xanga - I totally understand that situation, I am in a LDR as well. I call him sometimes when I can, but as it is, he's in school in Arizona, and I work out in Vegas, and by the time I get a chance to call him he's either busy with homework or at school and than it's too late to call after he's out. So I wait for him to call me and sometimes I call him on the weekends, but I do love talking to him on the phone =) and I, as well, only get to see him every couple of months or so
@Cest_LaxVie@xanga - Even though we disagree, I think you raise a very good point that my advice is "old school". I personally believe very much in the advice I write (otherwise I wouldn't write it), but if it doesn't work for you, do what does. I've dated a lot and did whatever felt "natural" and that often resulted in disaster--mostly because I think men and women really are different and we expect one another to react like a man or woman would--when that's just not the case. So yes, my advice is old school, but it works for me and it's worked for lots of other young people who listened to "old school" advice.
@CrazyGirl - I'm sure you'll get a lot of disagreements simply because other women logically find it sexist but there's actually a lot of evidence to support your post/advice.
If you ever read of Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, they explain a lot of psychological differences like how women want to be comforted while explaining their daily problems -- and are not exactly looking for solutions of said daily problems -- whereas men take the less emotional path by only thinking about the solutions to womens' problems (i.e. your #4).
Furthermore, if you look at Myer-Briggs personality test statistics (<-- more evidence), more women fall into the "F-Feeler" category whereas more men fall into the "T-Thinker" category.
Anyways, kudos on your post and I agree with your statement: "One of the biggest turn-ons to a guy is a confident, happy, independent woman". I rather have a woman that I can look eye-to-eye with as equals instead of having a relationship where the women that has to depend on me and looks to me to make her life for her (*cough* princess-types).
can someone make this but for men?
so true! all of the above
And what happens whn the guy is the needy one?? he needs to talk all the time, he wants constant reassurance and compliments, he needs to either be with you or know what your doing all the time and he cant go half a day without talking to you? hmmm??
agreed (:
I struggle the most with #4 :S
so true x2.!
im trying to treat him like this way...