Thursday, 18 March 2010
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How to Tell Your SO You Were Raped in the Past?
I have had a plethora of bad experiences in my past. I have been raped, I have been in a relationship where I was cheated on, I have been in a near-death car accident. A near-death surgery. A bunch of stuff, I literally could go on for pages.
I am always a very positive person, yet whenever I talk about my history, I always feel like Debbie Downer. I really am starting to fall for this guy. We have been dating for over 6 months, we have met each others families, he is amazing. Well when it comes to sex, I stop him from pursuing certain things, sometimes I stop him from sex all together.
Also, when we have sex, I notice that I am very "dry" and nervous and get really scared that he will realize that I am damaged goods in some way. When I get dry, I get really stressed out and think about it even more. I stress that he is wondering why I am this way and why I am not better in bed.
Now I am not stupid. I understand that I am driving myself crazy because of the trauma I have been through sexually. Yet, I think that I would be able to have better intimacy if I was able to talk about it with him. I just don't know how. I have a feeling that after I tell him this, he is going to be afraid to be around me because of all the bad stuff that has happened to me.
I want to share with him, I just don't want him to think I have too much baggage...to be honest, I do have baggage, I just try to avoid the subject and turn it into a huge joke.
How can I stop joking around and talk about this serious subject? Any advice? What would you do if you were in my position?
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- From: myfilm
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Comments (40)
Just tell him. Sit him down and let him in on what's happened. If he's a good enough guy, he'll understand and support you.
@Schristian@xanga - Totally agree.
sit him down, face to face, and say "I need to have a very serious discussion with you, and I want you to be really honest with me about how you feel when I tell you. I am falling for you, and I hope what I say doesn't change whether or not you want to be with me."
then tell him, one thing at a time. If he is a good guy like they said above, he should feel the need to comfort you and protect you (probably).
if he really loves you, he would understand and be supportive and care much for you. don't be afraid to tell him how you really feel
First off, I'm very sorry you were raped. I cannot even begin to imagine the emotional and psychological toll it has taken on you. No one deserves that. I can only hope that the scars from that horrible time will eventually heal.
Secondly, yes, this is indeed a very hard subject to approach, but I'll echo what the above posters said about sitting him down and letting him know. Let him know about the incident, how it affects you, and how he should respect that and/or be patient with you. Hell, you can work to support and educate each other instead him just supporting you. I don't like the idea of this being considered baggage though. What you're going through shouldn't be relegated to the status of a mere dating pet peeve. Any man who would dismiss your experience as just baggage clearly doesn't know the seriousness of the situation and is not mature enough to be in a serious relationship.
You'll just have to sit him down and talk about it. I remember in my last relationship, my ex was raped when she was very young. She just came out and said it to me when we were on the topic of virginity. Like what others said, if he is a good guy and wants to be with you, he'll understand and help you.
Once you feel confident in yourself, and you TRULY want to tell him, don't hold back. Honesty is key in a relationship, and if you want this to last a while, then you should let him get to know the good, the bad, and all the broken pieces of you. The last thing he is going to do is look at you weird. If anything, he is going to respect you more as a person because of all the trauma you have been through, but you are still a beautiful strong stable person. That shows strength and courage. Take it from someone who has been raped three times and had to tell her boyfriend of three years it happened while we were dating. He might even get angry at the fact that someone could ever do this to a human being.. let alone a person he loves. I know it's scary to open up, but in order to have that full serious relationship you want, you have to tell him. But when you are ready. I hope all goes well :) Stay strong.
And everyones got baggage. But this, this is NOT a burden. It was never your fault. Always remember that.
I hope he will sympathize with what you been through and come to accept all of you.
There's no better time than the present.
hey look, if this guy realy cares about you and you really want to tell him, then the best thing to do would be....
sit down, tell him you need to talk. say that what you are about to say is very serious. then tell him what happened.
NOW, if he truly cares about you, he will not be angry or upset. he will support you and comfort you.
@Schristian@xanga - i agree with this person all the way
It makes it more understandable, and he's obviously noticed there's something wrong.
Just tell him you have to talk to him, in private, and it's important, but tell him it's like not bad like you're breaking up with him or something.
Just tell him (:
Just tell him..I have stopped my fiance a couple times because of the memorys, I was raped when I was 13, by my "boyfriend" who was 18, He beat me, cheated on me, it was hell, but i "loved" him..I told my fiance about it, and he understood completly, he wont think your damaged goods.. my fiance understood complety and he makes sure he doesnt do any of the things my ex did or had said to me.
If he really loves you, he will understand and accept all of you.
@salvatruca_stalking_havok13@xanga - I agree with this completely. Exactly what I was going to say.
Just tell him. If he's anything but supportive and understanding, he's an A-hole. I've been in the same situation, and I've found that it's best to just be up-front about it. It's scary, but once you get it off your chest and out into the open, you can start to move past it.
I cannot even begin to imagine your pain, but for the sake of your relationship, I would highly, HIGHLY recommend telling him sooner than later. I don't think it needs any grand introduction- just sit down and tell him.
My best friend got engaged a few months ago, and he and his girlfriend weren't having sex much. They had been together for almost two years and they had probably only had sex about four times, and she had been kind of a pill about it afterward everytime, just saying things like he only wanted her for sex, and he was just objectifying her (not true). He assumed it was because they were both raised with a religious background, so he didn't press the issue. Then, three months before their wedding, she told him she had been raped at the age of 14, and didn't think she would ever be able to have sex again. While I feel for her, and I am so sorry that that happened to her, at the same time, it really put my friend in a terrible position. He's not wrong in wanting a relationship that encompasses not only emotional intimacy, but also physical intimacy, and her waiting twenty-odd months to give him that information also made him question what else she was concealing from him.
I tell you this story to encourage you to tell your boyfriend- had my friend been told a year earlier, they would have been able to work through her past and her pain much more smoothly than they have at the point that they're at in their relationship now. I can guarantee you that if your SO is even half of a man, he would never, EVER think that you're damaged goods.
I'm with everyone else -- just go ahead and say it. I've always told my boys from the get-go all the bad things that have happened to me, coupled with the fact that it really is in the past and that i'm over it, but that I just wanted them to know. I think that's the best way to go, because you don't make a real issue out of it then -- you want them to keep it in the back of their mind, for the sake of awareness, but not at the forefront of your relationship, to the point where either of you end up using it as an excuse in a lovers' dispute.
Honestly? I would talk with him openly and seriously, number one.
Number two, I'd get some help. Councelling maybe?
And number three, might sound insane, but I'd stop sleeping with him. If he loves you, he'll understand and wait until you work things out, but think about it, if you don't work things out, and you continue to sleep with him, you'll hold it over your own head as another "failure" (at least based on what you're saying of yourself). And will feel that he just "used you for sex" until he found out that you were "damaged" which will simply carry over into your next relationship.
I am damaged sexually, and let me tell you, there's nothing more wonderful than a man who waited for me, and who talks with me openly and understands my trials. :)
Hang in there sweetie.
@Winsa@xanga - I've been in the same situation and have had quite the rough past myself and the best way is just to have a serious talk about it. From my experiences with it he will probably get angry...but realize he's not angry at you he's angry at the person who did it. He may not say anything right away...because it's hard to know what to say about something like that. If he is a good guy it won't affect your relationship in a bad way but rather make your relationship stronger. And it really is something that seeing a counselor/therapist really helps with. It always causes psychological, emotional, and physical problems and they can help you work through it. Be strong (as I know you are after going through all you have been). Best of luck sister.
I agree with what the others in this post are saying: open up and tell him what's what. Not there in the bed - talk about awkward! - but over coffee [ or tea or Kool-Aid or Pepsi whatever].
Tell him that you care for him. Tell him that you went through a rough background. Crack a joke if you have to but get the truth out to him along the way.
Nobody grew up unscathed by childhood. He may open up something from his, along the way. So be it.
"I sailed eloquently down the staircase at this point..." is one part of my background - it sounds so wrong as I relate the tale that you laugh, even as you become aware of its gravity. Gallows humor.
Whatever you do: don't fake the big "O". Biiig mistake - and you will each resent it...he, for that "there is more that she's hiding from me" and you, for his inability to read your mind and act accordingly. Sorry - but there's no guarantee on any crystal ball - guys need plain English.
It's true!
Decide together to approach together-time not as a destination, but as a journey in and of itself. If things are too fast - re-guide his hands or touch, and make Corvette vs. Prius jokes, and that a little more time is needed for your motor to get into gear.
Astroglide can only do so much before biological functions have to take up where it leaves off.
Another note: learn your body, by yourself, so that you can teach what you learn, to him. Conversely: learn his, so that there are alternative roads you each can take to arrive at destination. There are no right or wrong ways to enjoy touch - only what works for each person as individuals.
Also: never expect rockets each time the fuse is lit. Again: together-time is more about the journey than the destination.
Above all else: try to see a counselor about your "Debbie Downer" background. I've a feeling that you've not had a proper chance to grieve and heal from your experiences.
The issue is not just telling him, the issue is finding the right time and realising there is no right time for a conversation like that.
If you care about him and want this relationship to work out, you need to be 100% honest. Because he doesn't know about your past or all the traumatic experiences you had to go through, he probably just thinks that you're not interested in him physically and sexually even though that's not the case. And if he cared about you, he'd understand and be supportive of you and help you through the healing process. But at the same time, you need to be ready to open up to him.
Just sit him down and tell him. Explaining your past might help shed light on why you are the way you are presently. If he really cares, he will understand your situation and will even clarify a lot of things about you.
how exactly are you gonna say it without... saying it? they wont know unless you (say something?). same here, I know it's a touchy subject but how else do you expect for them to know? just saying...
I can almost guarantee he doesn't think you're "damaged goods" (which is such a dehumanizing way of saying what you mean to say. You're worth much more than that). Chances are he either hasn't really noticed that you're uncomfortable or he thinks he's doing something wrong.
If you're ready, I would tell him. It would let him understand what's going on better, and it would likely bring you two closer together. I understand that it's a huge step, but if you're ready to trust another guy to that degree again, I can only see positive things happen.