Let me start off by saying that I am the anti-girly girl when it comes to relationships or guys in general. In fact, my roommate knew not to get all giddy when I told her about the guy I'm currently seeing. I don't believe in being obnoxiously spoiled or constantly attended to or all those other stereotypical wants and needs girls are "supposed to" have. I could go as far as saying that I'm on the verge to being a feminist, as well. All I ask for is a simple bit of TLC. I like things simple. I even get easily disgusted by too much cute-coupley stuff.
With that said, the guy I am dating now knew all of that right off the bat, since I told him when we were just friends, and it appeared that it was his first time dealing with a non-clingy/needy girl. We even discussed our ideal relationships before anything happened and we both agreed we wanted something really simple. Something that didn't entail the mess of a title and a "so and so is now in a relationship with ____" facebook change. What we both found out we wanted was a serious-no-strings-attached-type of relationship. Now, that may sound confusing to many of you, but, to us, this ideal would just be like any other relationship without the title. Yes, some people want/need the title, but our thought was, if you want to be with someone, you should just be with them--no questions asked. I see now that, like many ideas in life, it is always better on paper than in real life.
So this brings me to what's been on my mind: jealousy.
I have had self-conflicting opinions on the thought of jealousy. Most of the time, when a person gets jealous of their SO, it sickens me. I can't stand it, and I never understood why it was necessary. With this guy, I kind of get it. Full on jealousy is still really annoying. In the beginning, he would get jealous and I would get extremely annoyed because my reasoning was, "Well he's not my boyfriend, so he has no right to get jealous." While I, in the meantime, would feel slight distaste for certain girls he talked to, but never felt very threatened by them. Then, one week, he purposely talked about his conversations with another girl to get me riled up. And, let me say, it sure did fire me up. Of course he called me out on my jealousy and I continued to deny it. But since then, I've come to realize that feeling a little intimidated and keeping each other on your toes is good for a relationship. Dare I even say it's...healthy.
So my question is: Do you think a little reaction to a possible "threat" is sweet, in a sense that the intimidated person is expressing their desire for the other person?
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Comments (22)
threats come with a lack of trust. Jealousy, small amounts of it is okay though.
I agree small amounts are healthy. If there's some chick I don't know talking to my boyfriend, I'll admit I don't like it, but once I know who she is I just don't care anymore. It's weird, like subconscious.
I AM a needy/clingy person and at first my boyfriend didn't like that, but he's become just as needy/clingy as I was and I've backed down a lot. It's to a point where we're at a mutual point of needing the same from each other. Understanding is so key in a relationship.
I know also it sounds complicated, but a title is nice to have things defined, so you can't say things like, "he can't say that cause he's not my boyfriend" and he can't use that against you. It's a boundary setting thing, and as long as you understand each other, you'll never have to think that way anyways.
I've never felt threatened or jealous with any relationship I have been in. If the guy I was with decided to betray my trust, it was his problem and not mine (or any other guy I would be with afterward).
I actually like feeling a little jealous. When I feel jealous it makes me work more to please my guy. I don't like the all out green-eyed monster, though. If I get super jealous I tell myself that I'm not being reasonable. hahah
No.
well, that wasn't very mature of him. i would be upset over a guy trying to make me jealous, not over the fact that he talked to someone. i don't think intimidation is the right word here... if you feel threatened in your relationship, it's time to find a better relationship.
to answer the question, no, that's twisted.
Small things like talking to another girl aren't something to get really jealous about, but if he purposely brings it up to make you jealous, that's ridiculous! I mean small things like that are better left unsaid, because what're the results, either you don't care or you get upset, both aren't good! I think those kinds of things are ridiculous. Getting jealous may be healthy in small doses, but when it's brought up that way, it just seems like he's playing games or something.
The title of this post sums up women perfectly - us men can't win.
http://plentymorefishoutofwater.blogspot.com/ - dating blog
I'll admit I get a little nervous when I see my guy talking to a girl I don't know. But once he explains who she is, I don't really care. It's when they won't explain or look really awkward while explaining her that makes her a threat. If you seriously consider another girl a threat...there are a couple of things wrong. First of all, if you're honestly threatened by someone when you're the one with him, there are some major trust issues that need to be worked out. Second, there shouldn't BE a girl talking to him so much and spending time with him alone enough to make you feel uncomfortable. Third, if he cared, and you were honestly feeling threatened by someone, he would do something about it and talk to the other girl about it instead of just letting it continue.
jealousy at certain extents is alright i guess. its natural
Some relationships dig this, get a little charge out of it. It's not my thing.
i never really cared if my gf talked to other guys, or even flirted with them.
what you should really be worried about, is when he STOPS doing those things to you. if he hugs a girl, he should hug you 3 times more. if he flirts with a girl, he must flirt with you even more so. even if he TALKS to a girl, he should always talk to you more.
trust me. as long as you are in his head and he remembers to do things to you more then others, you dont have to be jealous.
jealousy in any form is disconcerting. why do you feel that way? should you feel that way? is it reasonable to feel that way?
maybe you guys are so nonchalant about the "serious no strings attached type of relationship" that it doesn't even really feel like a relationship but more like friends
so he talks/flirts with other girls to feel desirable by another girl and for you to get jealous so that it shows that you sort of care, since neither of you are the needy/clingy type.
Jealousy doesn't bother me. I mean, I get jealous. However, when your boyfriend gets jealous because you listen to Justin Bieber, well, that's a bit retarded.
i actually think i kind of agree with you. having "threats" would keep the two of you from becoming too comfortable, which means working a little harder to please the other person, which would help keep things fun. in theory at least.
Jealousy is not my thing. I feel it and I hate it. I end up feeling pathetic when I do because really, there is no reason to.
jealousy doesn't bother me much. i'm just not a jealous person because i know that he's leaving with me but i know my bf is jealous. just the thought of a man makes him cringe. sometimes it makes me feel like he cares a lot about me when he's jealous, other times i get so annoyed and i just tell him to stop being jealous and just get over it.
I'm exactly like the kind of girl you described yourself as -- non-clingy, simple, low-maintenance, almost. But in the 4 months my boyfriend and I have been dating, we sort of have this non-verbal agreement about jealousy. We don't want to make the other jealous, because we know that WE would be jealous if the roles were reversed. Also, we're both fully aware of how much we care about and mean to each other, so introducing the Green-Eyed Monster into our relationship would only bring harm to it.
However, that's just us. If jealousy helps you and other couples reinforce your desire for each other, then go right ahead. Whatever floats your boats. :)
I don't really understand jealousy when you're in a relationship. Shouldn't have anything to worry about. AND if the other person does end up cheating on you, which is what I'm guessing most people are afraid of when they get jealous, getting jealous isn't going to change that. So why waste the emotions on being jealous.
Saying that, I think people take it that you don't really care if you don't get jealous though.
A little jealousy is okay as it shows you care about your SO, but don't go overboard and be too possessive.