Thursday, 18 March 2010
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When Can You No Longer Ignore Your Way Out Of A Relationship?
Sad story: I was dating this guy, decided I didn't like him, and then, blew him off abruptly.
Another sad story: I was dating this guy and then, abruptly, he blew me off.
Sounds tragic? Sure, but I'm sure you've been there (and done that), too.
See, dating in the 21st century necessitates that we do a whole lot of talking about what we are (boyfriend? girlfriend? friend with benefits? just friends?), but very little talking about what we are not. Go out with someone once or twice and all you really have to do is ignore yourself out of the potential relationship, right?
No doubt, ignoring text messages and "forgetting" to call is effective. I've already admitted to using this strategy myself, albeit with certain reservations. (Mostly, I fear for my karma - a valid concern, as you can see.) But it is, hmmm, proper to simply stop a relationship?
Tell me, at what point does nothing become something and when are you obligated to tell someone that it's become nothing again?
Let's establish some new dating etiquette: When can you no longer ignore your way out of a relationship? At what point, does the "break-up talk" become mandatory?
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Comments (25)
when there's some kind of commitment involved. like, after the two of you have decided to become exclusive...once you want to break up, you should talk about it, at least to let the other person know they're off the hook and aren't tied down anymore.
If you guys have become exclusive (this includes the status on facebook) you need to tell them. I mean I dated this guy I didn't like for a month and a half out of pity cause people said he liked me. I made him cry when I broke it off with him (he was a pathetic little bitch) because I couldn't stand the guy anymore. But at least I had the talk. I'd have loved to just ignore him away.
That's a little mean and very immature. Just tell them it's not working out..
I think the correct term for this is "fizzling".
Fizzling is supposedly fine if you only have had only like one or two dates with a person and decided that it won't work out.
In an established relationship though, it's obviously poor form. If you don't officially end things with someone, that someone might still have it in his/her mind that the both of you are still together -- and might go crazy wondering why you haven't returned his/her phone calls.
Give the person peace of mind so that the person can move on; you'll be able to move on as well knowing that the other person won't pursue you.
For me, that talk has to start when I can't stand the sight of them or if anything they say or do annoys the shit out of me. That's a sign to bail for sure...
@StylishMudd@xanga - Agreed.
I think that going on even one date signifies that there's enough interest for that one date, and ignoring calls and attempts at contact without reason is simply rude. Giving a decisive and direct "I'm sorry, I don't want this to go anywhere" is much better for the person's peace of mind. It might be 'harsh,' but at least they won't have to wonder why you're not rushing to meet up with them again.
Yes, there's the possibility that they'll want to further discuss it or try to persuade you otherwise, and if they won't drop it after a certain point, /then/ I think it's okay to go ahead and ignore them.
After seven dates it becomes etiquette to call someone to break up. After 12 it is mandatory to do it face to face.
http://plentymorefishoutofwater.blogspot.com/ - dating blog
The only way is to be go straight through. Tell them straight forward after the first few dates if you're not interested. Don't be a douche about it and simply "ignore" it. Otherwise, it's going to come and bite you in the ass.
This all sounds very high school like to me. Possibly because I'm a senior in high school and people do this everyday. But really? I think it's proper to always tell the person whatever "it" is, is off.
If I ever decided i didnt want to be with my boyfriend, it would be hard to avoid him since i see him almost six days a week, and talk to him frequently.
Well sometimes it is pretty hard to bring it up, but yes We should all learn to at least to talk about it with the SO at the time.
@StylishMudd@xanga - yeah seems more immature, lazy and a cop out. If you were that confident with your feelings you'd tell the person. I ignore a mustard stain on my shirt, I ignore the laundry pile, I ignore the the smell. So for me to compare a girl to one of those things is a pretty low thing for me to do.
TALK about it. I'd be lying if I said it didnt hurt but it's sure as hell better & more mature than ignoring someone. My ex & I were in a long distance relationship & he was moving closer after my visit back home where he lived. However when I got back he stopped talking to me & after 2 weeks, I called it over. I knew he wasnt dead because he's still on his social networking page.
@PMFoutofwater - I agree, 12 & up, you should know better. Shitty behavior like ignoring people is juvenile.
Ignoring them would be really rude. I have been broken up with this way, and I turned down a few dates because I thought "we were still together." Sike! So I know better. Don't do that, common courtesy should be common.
If I am not in a serious relationship with a guy I don't owe him a conversation when I get bored, . If he can't take the hint that I am ignoring him, it's his problem but when I was dating I made this clear to guys (and it's not my problem if some of them didn't believe me). The same is true in reverse. If he isn't calling he isn't interested. If I am seeing some one exclusively, then of course you should talk to them when you don't want to see them anymore.
talking things out would be more appropriate than just ignoring the other party
look, from past experience, it hurts me much more to be ignored. id rather the girl tell me she wants to break up with me, instead of trying to figure out "what i did wrong" and thinking that she must be upset with me. trust me. it drives people insane because ( when they are ignored,) they have NO idea what to do.
dont do that to people. just end things if you truly dont like the relationship. =P
@StylishMudd@xanga - i totaly agree with this person =P
@Thumper49047@xanga - nice dude. i like your thinking, man
@LaTheatreMusique@xanga - Agreed.
I think it's completely messed up and not appropriate. Grow the balls to talk to them, seriously, they deserve it.
Man up, already.
if you don't want to be with someone the best thing to do is not to ignore them but tell them the truth so it doesn't come back to haunt you. what goes around comes around.
no it's not proper, however; it's understandable.
Ending the relationship isnt as easy as you all make it.
having balls is hard for a female (unless you were a male and didnt get the operation when you changed over).
BUT, it's much easier to just end it...
When you get annoyed whenever you get in contact, especially when he elegantly ignores all the little hints you made i.e. ignoring messages, tell them you are busy without suggesting a meeting at another time etc.
I agree with most of the people before me, if you've been dating for quite some time, a proper breakup is necessary. However, if you've only been on 2 or 3 dates and you don't like him, then there's no need for explanation. You simply don't dig him and if he's fallen in love with you by the third date, there's something wrong with him.
I haven't read through here but my faith in our generation's ettiquette is dwindling. Can we ignore our way out of anything, yes, likely that's possible. But does that make it right? And by right, I mean fair. There never is a silver bullet, and people are bound to get hurt. But hard love is the best policy. Common human decency. Respect others as you wish them to you. Say you've agreed to chat, text, call, meet. Then, nothing. No closure. Yes, this is a low level commitment that could just wash away. But all this is someone not wanting to deal with confrontation, or appear selfish, mean, uncaring, being looked at in a bad light. I think it's one thing to stop calling, but if a person calls you wondering you have no choice but to acknoledge that they are not as clear on the subject as you are. One should never blow another person off without warning. Like, hey I'm sorry, but I'm not going to participate in this anymore (in a manner of speaking). Then, it's fair to blow that person off. Because its true some people can't catch a hint. I've had a girl I've told straight up why I wasn't willing to pursue a relationship continue to call. You don't want to encourage someone. But without even giving someone a hint, all they are left with is the wonder, which is the worst. It's the most insulting thing, because it really shows how little of value you are seen to the other person. I suppose, what's the big deal with that. But personally, I think the world would be better if everyone paid everyone due respect. Respect that's due. Not anything more.