I dated this guy (we're back together now) for about 3 years and not only did I become extremely close to him, I became really close to his family. They treated me like another family member and we had a very loving, caring relationship.
When we broke up, I wanted to remain friends with the guy (let's call him B). But of course due to the history, the issues, the heartbreak, it was next to impossible. Especially with his new girlfriend at his side. I also wanted to remain friends with his parents, but I was unsure about how B would think about that.
During Thanksgiving, I finally mustered up the courage to visit his parents. I felt like I was a bad person for cutting off ties with people even though they themselves had done nothing wrong. After I made sure he was out of the house, I purchased some Harry & David's caramel and chocolate popcorn and visited his parent's house.
His family was extremely happy to see me and we conversed like old friends. After 10 minutes of catching up, someone walked in through the door. Of course, it was the one and only B, with his new girlfriend trailing right behind him. I was completely mortified and I could feel my cheeks begin to burn with embarrassment.
Fast forwarding to a few minutes later, B and I were talking alone. He questioned my motives for coming to the house and was appalled at how his parents could receive me with a warm welcome.
Honestly, I could've cared less about sabotaging his new relationship with his girlfriend. I had no interest in trying to pose a threat or being in his life. All I wanted was to keep in touch with his family.
But not wanting to argue, I apologized and bolted out of the house. After that, I never went back again. B also told his parents that they could not talk to me. So that was the end of that for a while.
Is it wrong to remain friends with your ex's parents? What would you have done in my situation?
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Comments (29)
There's nothing wrong with that.
There should be nothing wrong with it but it's a bit complicated. >_>;
Well, there's nothing wrong with keeping in contact with them, but perhaps it would have been nice to let your ex know ahead of time. That would have avoided the awkward encounter and questioning of motive.
To be honest, whenever my boyfriend's ex's parents contact him to see how he's doing, I'm always a little bit curious about motives. But, after I realize that they had a really close bond and it's got nothing to do with the ex, it seems okay to me.
But flip the situation around. If your ex showed up at your house and was making cozy with your family without warning or explanation, it would probably seem a bit creepy. At first, it would seem a bit like he was trying to weasel his way in because of you- whether to be close again or to sabotage you. The situation should be explained to him-- you just feel close to his family and don't want to lose their friendship. If he's reasonable, he'd understand. And maybe you could have worked out times to go and see them. I can see why he'd be awkward seeing you in his house, though, if you guys can't be friends. I mean, your house is somewhere you should be comfortable, and walking home to find an uncomfortable situation would make anybody agitated.
But if you're honest and explain what you mean, I don't think that there's any problem in being close to an ex's family. As for myself, I would have given him warning that I wanted to drop by first, so that he wouldn't have felt alienated or anything, and gone anyway if he argued. You don't owe him anything else.
Oh my God, this sounds like my life. My boyfriend of three years and five months and I broke up in November. I was devastated because I'm so close to his family. The other day, when he was out with two of his new lady friends, I visited his family and we watched home movies and talked together and it was great, and I ended up sobbing when I left because I missed them so much. I think it's perfectly okay to stay friends with your ex's family but it's sooo hard and can sometimes be really hurtful if he's not around. You don't have to lose them though, even though you lost him.
Yeah, I'm sort of in this situation right now. I love my ex's family, and I want to be close to them still, but he doesn't seem to have a problem with it, so I guess I'm a little better off than you were. I don't think it's bad thing. I mean, those people became very close to you in a 3 year time span and welcomed you into their home and family (at least with me). It seems silly not to speak to them anymore after having been on good terms with them for so long.
Well it depends. It seems you aren't aren't for seeing "B" around so maybe get used to being able to deal with him first.
TECHNICALLY, there is nothing wrong with that but... I dunno. That's the strange part. All forms of logic say, "That is ok, there is nothing socially wrong with that," but a part of me wants to say, "It's wrong, that's really weird." It's probably because I'm not really sure what it's like to have a solid relationship with an SO's parents, or their families in general [because I usually didn't see/talk to them, not that I avoided doing so]
Nothing wrong with being friends with family of an ex. But then again, I'm close to my ex's family and we're friends ourselves now. So I can't say I'm familiar with your problem. But I do think that you should maybe keep your visits on the down-low until your ex grows the eff up. Anyone who freaks out about it that much maybe thinks you're trying to get back with him- assure him you're not.
When I end a relationship, I've always just accepted that my relationship with the family is over as well. I don't see how a friendship between me and the family could continue to exist, just like I'm glad my family cut off ties with my exes. People need to feel as though their family is in their corner and that their home is their "safe" place. I don't think that would be possible if your ex is always around, hanging out with your parents or other family members.
I was in a serious relationship for several years and grew to love that family like my own. When my ex and I ended it, I stopped talking to the family. It wasn't easy, but I'm sure my ex wouldn't have wanted me hanging around them, and frankly, I needed to get away from them in order to get over him. I've seen his sister around once or twice since then, and if I see her I'll stop and say hi, but I'm not stupid enough to think that she would actually want a friendship with me--why would she? She's being a good sister and staying loyal to her brother, and to them, I'm sure I'm nothing more than the girl he was crazy about that broke his heart.
My parents liked my ex, but they didn't try to maintain a relationship with him, and I'm glad they didn't. My personal life is my personal life, and it really doesn't concern any of my family. It's my prerogative to date and break up with whomever I want, and I need my family to support me in whatever I do, whether they agree with it or not. I also think any current SO would probably feel a little intimidated if an ex was always hanging around the family--it would just seem kind of shady.
i miss my ex-boyfriend's dog.
I miss my ex's fancy pet rat more than i miss him, ha.
I think it depends on the situation. A friend of mine dated a guy for 7 years and became super close to his family. She is still good friends with his brother and he invites her to family functions and whatnot. He ex doesn't care as much anymore but did in the beginning.
i think its totally fine! in fact im friends wit all of my exs parents well except one cuz its 2 far 2 b friends wit her but yea well then again im mostly friends wit my exs 2 but seriously its kinda like well they were fun 2 b around and they like u wether ur wit him or not so if theres no alterior motives i think its deffinetly legit 2 b friends wit them or even his siblings! :) i totally woulda told the guy straight up "we broke up not me an ur family! so if u dont feel comfortable wit me here ill jus visit another time whn ur not around!"
It's obvious that there's nothing wrong with remaining friends with your ex's parents. However, it is awkward and given your situation -- a source of possible future conflicts.
Furthermore, it should be noted that his parents obviously has his best interests at heart and not yours.
QED: I really think that you either not actively pursure a friendship with his parents or try to pursue friendship with your ex before his parents. The latter is obviously difficult.
well i would never like go to the parents house. but i see what your saying.
i just saw my ex gf's parents about 20 minutes ago. they walked in, we talked about their dog, and how they were. the mom just got an ear operation. they asked how i was etc etc
all in all, it made me feel comfortable knowing that these people were good enough not to block me out like my ex does. makes me feel really good . that probaly sounds weird but hey, im a weird person hahahaa
I have to disagree with most of these people's opinions. i think it IS wrong. When you break up with someone, you also break up with the family. Kind of like when you marry someone, you marry their family... except opposite. It's not wrong to talk to his family if you run into them... but to go out of your way and show up at his house is a little sketchy, in my book. UNLESS you were friends with his family BEFORE you dated. Then that's a different story. You need to let B move on, and let his family give his new girlfriend a chance without her feeling threatened.
ohh that is just awkward. to stay friend when u've broken up. dont people who do this feel hurt seeing their SO with say.. another person after them?
Nothing wrong with that. While I don't often visit my exes' parents, when I do see them, I say hi and exchange some conversation.
I am going to stay friends with my most recent ex's parents. They have actually told me that they like me more than him... jaja.
In your shoes, I would have given B the courtesy of a heads-up. He sounds a bit controlling given his reaction, but that could have been the shock of seeing you there when he was wanting his parents to get to know and love his current gf.
I don't think it's wrong for you to be friends with you ex's family.
I DO think it was wrong of you to sneak over to his house after having made sure he was gone and not letting him know about it... THAT is weird and kind of creepy.
@sweetsweetsugarjunkie@xanga - I called his parents, so they were expecting me.
My best friend and I dated after being best friends for 4 years, I was extremely close to his family, his little sister looked up to me and became best friends with my little sister. It was awkward hanging out with his sister and mother when he would come home, so I usually went over while I knew he was in school...He didn't mind it, we ended up working things out and we still talk every now and again....On the flip side, My other ex and I broke up after dating for a yr, and he loved my family, it pissed me off so bad when he would talk to my parents and my sister, if I wanted him knowing about my problems I would have told him, And the couple times I talked to him, EVERYTHING I said got back to my older sister..I hated it..
I guess it depends on the people, and how the relationship went.
not friends, but not enemies...