Tuesday, 16 March 2010
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Would You Move For Your SO?
My SO has lived in one place her entire life. I, on the other hand, spent my early childhood moving around until getting settled in the 5th grade.
We're currently very long distance (across the United States), and a job opportunity has presented itself that would have me move to her coast in about a year. The trouble? It's an 8-10 hour drive from her home, across state boundaries. She says she'd be unwilling to move in with me (marriage, etc, further down the road) unless I come to her state.
I'm doing my best to understand how one could be so fixated on a single state. To me, they're all pretty much the same emotionally, and I'll settle down wherever taxes, laws, technology, employers, etc, are the most agreeable to me. For her, it's almost a deal breaker. The part I have the most trouble with is this: if I lived just as far away (8-10 hours) in the opposite direction, I'd be in-state. She'd be okay with that.
If it weren't for the specific circumstances, I'd fold and join her in California in a heartbeat. The thing is, the opportunity on the west coast I mentioned? Basically talking about my dream job.
So either I give up my dream job or she gives up her stipulation that we live in CA. I've suggested compromise - come live with me for a year, try it, if you hate it, we can find me a job in California. That's a no-go with her because she's already made up her mind that she'll be incredibly homesick for CA. I'm bummed because I thought it was a good suggestion, and can't think of how to proceed if her mind is made up.
Am I putting too much stake in a job? Should she give trying some place new a chance before writing it off? What can we do? I'm madly in love with her and don't want this to break us apart...
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Comments (87)
On my online dating profile it says 'must live within walking distance'. So no, I'm not flexible.
http://plentymorefishoutofwater.blogspot.com/ - dating blog
I did not and of course we broke up. But it was kind of early in our relationship and early in both of our careers. Although sometimes I do think what if.....
In my opinion, she's being incredibly close-minded. She doesn't know how she'll react until she tries it...but she's entirely unwilling to try it. You shouldn't have to give up your dreams just because she's being stubborn and immature about the situation. Even if you don't want to, it may be time to give it up. You don't have to break up, but you should move forward with your life. If she genuinely cares about you, she'll come to the realization that no matter where you are, she will want to be with you, regardless if that means staying in her home state or not.
If you haven't already convinced her to move with you, then she probably won't change her mind, so the decision is up to you.
Is she worth you giving up this opportunity? Since marriage is far down the road, why not take the job and see where everything leads? It is more likely things will change than that they will stay the same.
is she this inflexable about other things? but if it was possable i would move closer to my SO as it really doesnt matter to me where i live as i will make the most of any place. the one exception would be the inner city. i really dont like crowds so being in a city would be tough
i would move for my SO
I've lived in CA for about 3 years now, and from my experience people that were born and raised here have some kind of deep attachment to the place. It's almost like CA becomes a part of them that they just can't leave behind. I'd say all the people I know from California are split into two groups: The ones who absolutely refuse to ever live anywhere else, and the ones who have tried to live somewhere else but always come back.
I agree it's a beautiful place, but I would move most anywhere for true love. This isn't much help however because the decision is still yours :(
In my opinion, if she is placing location over relationship, then somethings the matter; either she just wants someone to settle down with and easilly conform to her lifestyle (so she doesn't have to change), and/or she isn't as interested in you as you are in her, and therefore places her personal comfort over your comfort as a couple and as lovers. If they aren't willing to meet you in the middle or even consider your lifestyle versus theirs, then it seems like a lost situation. I don't really understand the "make or break" mentalities that some people have...if someone wants to hinge a relationship on something so trivial and material, then to me the relationship isn't being based on the correct criteria, and will ultimately lead to romantic/personal/relational failure; as hard as it may be, I would leave such a situation.
id pick job.
I dont have a girlfriend but if I did even if we lived in different countries I would move if the right job was there for me.
But likewise if she wanted to live in the same country as me I am hoping she can find the job she wants.
I'm moving to Italy to live with my husband, but I guess that's a whole different story I mean, c'mon its Italy
I think your girlfriend has a valid point; if she's so attached to California that it will pain her to leave it, but you won't follow her, then it's a reason possibly worth breaking up over. That's a major lifestyle choice in a similar vein to whether or not a couple has kids, and it might not be something that she is willing to compromise on because she knows where she stands and it's really important to her.
I also think that you have a valid point; this is your dream job, and it would have to be a huge decision to turn it down. The only question I have is whether you've actually been offered the job or if the opportunity 'presenting itself' simply means that you're on the road to that.
And yet... you love her deeply, so you're having issues because it seems like you have to choose one dream over another.
I'm curious as to your age. Theoretically speaking, if you're younger then you'd have time before you 'had to settle' for either a job or a girl, and things might seem... less dire?
In any case, my inclination is: Follow your job. From what you've said, I gather that it won't be an immediate break up if the relationship goes long distance. It's important to get something of a foothold in the working world. Then, if you miss her too much (or she misses you too much) one of you might be able to compromise, and you can decide whether the 'job of your dreams' actually IS the job of your dreams.
It may, of course, very well be the job of your dreams. And she might not budge on the California issue. If the distance becomes too much and/or prevents the progression of the relationship, then perhaps it is time to part ways.
Go for your dream job. It won't be there later; she will. Your career is basically vastly more important... and even if you're so madly in love with her that it's that difficult to choose... people come and go. You don't want to resent her later for this.
It all depends on how serious things are. I'm a writer / studying literature which you can do anywhere so I'm flexible. My boyfriend / fiance has mentioned about possible moving to Finland or London [no problem with London :D ] in case he gets a good engineering job there. I'm open to adventures and unlike your SO, I have no intention of staying in one place. I'm originally from Europe, and have been living in NYC for 6 years now. Sure, I'll miss NYC and the fact that it never sleeps, but relationships are about compromise, and it seems to me like you're willing to compromise but she's not - so why should you? I say take the job. If she really loves you, she'll go after you, if not, it's her loss. Cali sucks anyway; too much sun. xD
I'm a Californian and I'm not even interested in moving to the other end of the state, let alone out of state. When you grow up here, you either absolutely hate it and flee at your earliest opportunity and never come back or you love it and try your damnedest to stay in the Golden State. Californians like their amenities and culture and even now in these crappy economic times, most of the people I know who are desperate for employment would not consider taking a job if it meant having to relocate out of state. Californians who opt to emigrate to other states by choice generally only consider the East Coast, so unless you're living somewhere like Boston, New York, or Miami, you're probably not going to convince her to move willingly.
As an unbiased observer, I think she should try giving it a shot, and if that doesn't work, then you guys can talk about going to back to California.
It's alot of risk to me. I would take the job & see how it goes. You really cant complain about driving less than a day to see her. It's a hella closer than across country.
I see her side of it. It's alot to move from a place you lived your whole life. Your LIFE is there. It's alot to ask someone to move. I think you're putting undo pressure on her.
It depends on how serious it is. I understand you're both in your own places right now, so continue talking about it and perusing your own lives. If you don't find the need to be with her right now that much, then it really can wait. :)
It's times like that that you have to make a decision, and unfortunately, if she's being that close-minded about it, she may never budge and you may have to leave her for pursuing your dreams. Don't give that up. It's important to have a loving relationship, but also be able to set goals for yourself and achieve them.
I'd move with my bf in a heartbeat. Because I am at a dead end job post college and have nothing to lose at this point. And if I found a job elsewhere, I have faith he will follow. We'd each make enough for both of us to live on and what not (both college grads). Also helps I'm very open to traveling and seeing many places before I die. Moving just sounds fun to me.
I wold move for mine. I would need to finish school first though. And we live on opposite coasts as well.
But for your sake, she is being too closeminded and restricted for herself. Not even giving it a try is one of the worst things she can do.
it sounds close-minded of her, but it's california. you'd have to grow up here to understand -- i would be willing to leave it for grad school or a temporary couple of years, but i know that i will always return.
if i were in her place, i would probably try to convince my SO to move here as well.
I would move for my boyfriend in a heartbeat if it was for something that was his passion, and would help him in his life. But I also understand the feeling of being attached to a place so much that you're not sure that you don't really know if you could "survive" anywhere else.
Maybe it's because she hasn't experienced anything else, and I think you had a very valid point on trying to make a compromise of just trying to live together for awhile, and if she didn't like it, then she could leave, but some people are just stuck in their ways.
For me, this would kind of be the deal breaker. She's expecting you to do everything in a way. Leave everything you have wanted, and will want in the future. Is that the kind of person that you want to be with, even though everything else may be perfect?
Dude, it's your dream job. If your SO was dying, or had a better job, or maybe was a super model, I'd understand, but no.
(MOVE TO YOUR JOB)
Current situation: You're SUPER long distance right now with a job you're looking at leaving.
If you take the job: You're A LOT closer to her and you'll be doing what you love for money aka the best thing in the world.
(MOVE TO YOUR JOB)
She wants you to give up your dream job for a zip code... wow.
(MOVE TO YOUR JOB)
Look, people could call both of you selfish, but she's being selfish for no real logical reason. You're being selfish because it's going to put money in your bank and let you do what you love. (MOVE TO YOUR JOB.) If she really loves you all that much, she'd want it for you anyways. You're already long distance anyways, all you'd be changing is where you called from. (MOVE TO YOUR JOB)
I think you get what I'm saying.
Well.... see... I used to live in FL. Then I lived in CT... and now WA. Clearly I'm no stranger to moving to be with my husband.
What's more important? Your perfect career? Or love? I don't have my perfect career, but I get to have more time with my husband and my children - that's worth more to me than having the best career ever.
I would pick the dream job at anytime. SO can be easily replaced but a dream job is hard to find.
It really depends where I would need to move to. On my dating files I have a 50 mile radius. So, distance wouldn't really be a problem depending where the location is.