So I just found out a girlfriend of mine is seeing the asshole who broke her heart again.
This all happened last weekend over brunch when one of the girls mentioned for her to try online dating to meet potential dates. She casually said, "oh...well I'm kinda seeing someone now..."
So of course we all got excited for her (she hasn't had a date or been in a relationship for 2 years) and started asking her for details. When did it start? How did you meet? Where did you meet? yada, yada, yada... Finally, she mumbles "it's my ex..."
All excitement dies down as we look at her a little stumped, confused and lost in thought. We knew better than to start slinging mud and dragging old memories of how much this guy hurt her. So we choose the supportive route and tell her that we just don't want her to get hurt. She tells us, "oh I know I'm going to get hurt. There's no avoiding it".
What the hell
? If you know you're going to get hurt again, why are you going back for more?
A little back story on the asshole. He broke up with her, got married to another girl within a few months and told my friend he could no longer keep in touch, talk, text, etc... He is currently separated from his wife (not fully divorced yet) and seeing my friend. Does my friend know? Of course she does. Does she care? Probably not.
I feel like she has Bart Simpson Syndrome right now. Sticking her finger in the flame, knowing it hurts but continues to stick her finger back in again and again.
If you know a friend who's making a very bad decision, should you intervene? Did we do the right thing by being supportive even though we don't want to support that bad decision?
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Comments (26)
Support her, respect her decision, but give your opinion.
She's a friend, and it's her life. She knows the risks, and, "stupid" or not, she's choosing to go forward anyway. Particularly if she isn't hurting innocent bystanders, it's her decision and shouldn't be interfered with, even if it's the wrong one.
Since she is your friend, and you do respect her, let her know that you do care about her. Don't neglect to point out that you disagree with it in case she *is* missing something vital; it's important to have the honesty there so that she isn't fully blinded. But it's not something you need to bring up more than once unless other issues arise.
There's a very very fine line between strength and weakness.
Strength is letting the problem stay.
Weakness is not letting it go...
Something like that!? Haha..
Anyway, I said that to my friend in a similar situation to your friend - she dumped him, usually she goes back after a few hours but this time she's stuck to it.. :/
abit supportive but also subjective bout it?
Be supportive, offer advice and be there for her. People have to learn from their own mistakes. Shout too loud and you'll lose her.
http://plentymorefishoutofwater.blogspot.com/ - dating blog
I think you should give advice - in a way that doesn't offend her - and then at some point be supportive and hope that she won't be a fool a second time.
Since she already knows where this will lead, you don't have much else to say to her about it.
I generally tell my friends that they're being stupid, that I love them, and that watching them get hurt hurts me, but that it's their life and I will love them no matter what they do. I support their right to make their own decisions, but I don't necessarily support the decision, if that makes sense.
welps, i was that girl. After he begged for months like a dog, i made the decision to get back with that same psycho after more than a year post break up...only to end up getting cheated on and all these other bullshiet. she gotta make the decision herself. sad but true.
Yes, I'd try to gently tell her, being supportive, but firm. After all, I wouldn't want to see my friend hurt again. Plus, I'd want her to do the same for me if I was in her shoes.
Give her your advice and then leave it at that. If she doesn't take your advice, that's up to her. But I would still support her, no matter what. She's your friend, isn't she?
Let her make her own mistakes. She'll learn.
I wouldn't support that relationship. I would do my best to get her out of it, for her sake. If your looking for her best interests, then you won't be ok with her getting hurt again.
Your friend is a sad case of something everyone sees from time to time. Possibly emotionally masochistic as well. I have a friend who is sort of this desperate type as well, except instead of going back to the ex, she jumped on the first penis that showed her attention. Even if he isn't quite a winner and doesn't make her all that happy. Knowing this, I told her so. She knows I'm her friend and I'll back her, but I'm not going to be two-faced about it and say how awesome it is she found a boyfriend and then rail on her later to other people. No, I'll rail on her to her face.
Obviously, I'm not going to be an asshole, but I made my point clear. You should do the same.
I think that you should stick behind her even though you know she's going to end up getting hurt. I know friends are more than likely in this situation to say something along the lines of "Well, I told you so, so when it happens don't come crying to me", but there has to be something underlying here to why she wants to go back to someone who she knows will treat her badly.
Try to support her decisions, and be there for when she falls, but let her know how you truely feel about the situation, and tell her that there's probably a lot more out there for her.
You don't have to bash the boyfriend at every chance you get, but just make a point clear.
this is the problem with my best friend. i've tried everything, support to downright beratement. there's just no hope. three years....is too long to put up with this.
i now choose support, though support is more like agreeing with how much of an asshole she thinks he is on a regular basis, so i'm not really sure what i'm supporting.
Somewhat, it's your duty as her friend to give her advice; but if she still sticks to her decision and you know that she knows what she's doing, then probably you should support her now.
i've been thru this so many times, be support but also be subjective at the same time.
Unless it's worth losing your friendship over, I would only give my opinion if it was asked for. You don't need to gush about it, but you don't need to remind her of all the shit she's been through already (she knows).
The way I decided whether to be supportive or not is based on whether or not my friend stands strong by his/her decision.
If s/he is more indecisive about the current relationship s/he is in,
I am more likely to intervene.
For example, my friend was engaged to her boyfriend of three months,
but she would express her worries and confusion and would ask for my advice
and from there I would intervene. I actually told her to call her boyfriend
and tell him the wedding is off. I do not regret doing this one bit
because I would rather be blamed after, then for her to go for something
that requires her to be 100% sure when she's only 50%.
If they blame me for something, then it shows their 100% sure I did wrong.
Then there's the If s/he is more decisive about the current relationship s/he is in,
then I will be supportive. My guy friend had been in an abusive relationship for two years.
Although I expressed my concern, but the way he said, "I'm staying with her,"
I knew he was 100% sure, and so I supported him and never acted
to intervene, (although my thoughts were still important to him and appreciated).
I say intervene when the person is unsure,
never let your friend do something when she shows less than 100% confidence.
Do understand though, when you intervene, you may risk your friendship,
know and understand the risks that you're willing to take.
bart simpson has a butter finger so it isn't a flame but something more gross. anyway marrying another girl within a few months of breaking up is the ultimate insult. if I was her, I wouldn't get back with him because she is the rebound girl. he knows that she is still head over heels for him and is taking advantage of her low self esteem vulnerability because she'll probably be on his side even if he is an asshole even if her friends intervene. I'd hate to see her being hurt again but I also hate being caught in the middle because she might think that her friends are trying to sabotage her relationship though that isn't the case but she is in too deep to listen to reason and maybe a third time being hurt will wake her up.
I think it's time for the slap in the face. =_=;; She needs to wake up.
I had a friend in a similar situation. I kept advising her not to pursue the guy, but she wouldn't listen. Sigh.
No need to support her, but don't sling mud either. Just be prepared to catch her when she throws her to the curb. It's her decision and as a friend, one should respect that, for now.
generally, my opinion is always- you have to live & learn. nothing you say to her is going to change her mind. shes just gotta keep getting her heart broken until she realizes what she is doing to herself.