Monday, 15 March 2010
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Pregnancy To Save The Relationship ... Ummm, Huh?
Oddly (or sadly) enough, I got the idea for this post by watching MTV's "16 and Pregnant." Anyone who has seen that show knows it features an overwhelming number of teenage deadbeat baby daddies. At first I thought this said something about our nation's male youth. And it does: How is that the baby mamas were able to step up, tend to and unconditionally love their child while the baby daddies could care less?
But a lack of responsibility on part of the boys isn't the only thing going on here: It's not that a baby is born and their father turns into a jerk. These dudes were always jerks. The girls thought a baby would change them. In many instances, it seems like the girl had a baby to change him. Pregnancy to save a relationship ... they really need to start teaching not to do that in schools.
Thing is, 17-year-olds aren't the only ones out there doing this. At least I don't suspect they are. Everyone knows at least one unmarried couple, living together for the sake of their baby. Think about it. Don't you?
It's strange to talk about, yeah. Who wants to say women "trap" men into being with them? Still, it's not the same world it used to be. Monogamy and committment isn't required, or even, sometimes, valued in a relationship. And, while fear of taking the plunge can exist regardless of gender, it's probably safe to say that more women, then men, are looking for love, marriage and white picket fences. Of course, discrepancies in desires are going to result in a change of, ummmm, ... tactics. And while I'm not saying that all women use (or condone) reproduction as a method for snagging a husband, it's pretty clear that there are those who are trying to.
The good news is that while "16 and Pregnant" proves the "trap" exists, it also illustrates how ineffective it is. A baby will not fix or guarantee your relationship. Can't say I'm surprised (though maybe it's sad) to learn that.
What do you think? Do you know some women who used pregnancy to save their relationship? Did it work? Why do you think this is becoming a prevalent method of courtship?
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- From: jeanine
- Name: jeanine
- About Me: writer, reader, blogger, dog lover, foodie, floater, figuring the rest out
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Comments (37)
My 17 year-old brother's girlfriend is pregnant. It's actually causing more arguments.
My mom tried it. The realized she didn't really like my dad that much. And cheated. And they got divorced.
So no, it didn't work.
Are you seriously asking because you don't know or just an interesting topic??? Because if you seriously don't know the answer to that question then you have no business anywhere near a relationship. WOW!
That would never work.
Well, to be honest, there isn't any social obligation to caring for offspring in general these days and hasn't been in awhile, probably since grandparents moved out of the house, so...
Indulge in yourself and leave the raising up to society because that's a great idea.
I don't know. I'd rather be a single parent that trapped with one of my fellow bums and dragged into the ER every abusive incident that I'm helpess to but certainly never a victim anyway.
Fuck me then get away. That is, if I ever had a sliver of success and could provide for my offspring beyond charity of continued sorts.
Thus, I don't let guys fuck me or partner with me because I know that if I fuck then I'll be trapped in a relationship for monetary gain or slavery of various sorts and a spectacle for societal mocking as always I have been and will be.
I've seen this happen way too much... sure, in some cases they did get married, but they're not happy. And in other cases, the guy just left. Honestly, it's hard to feel bad for the girls whose boyfriend leaves them in this situation. This isn't to say that sometimes legit accidents to happen, but in more and more cases you know it's not an accident. Hell, the girls on that TV show admit to not using protection at all. Kinda hard to feel bad in that case.
I tend to agree with you--there are a lot of girls and women out there who get pregnant with the intention of "changing" their man or improving the relationship. What these women never seem to realize, oddly enough, is that children add more stress to the relationship. LOADS of stress. If they are that interested in fixing a relationship, they should try counseling... or taking a long, hard look at their partner and asking themselves if the guy is really worth the effort. In most cases, the guy is not.
I also think it's a big self-esteem issue. These women get themselves involved with guys that are way less than ideal simply because they don't think they can get anyone else.
The lesson here is to dump the douchebags, work on your self-esteem, and realize that there is someone better for you out there... all without needing to get knocked-up in the process :)
Lol ... @orangecountyhypnosis@xanga - I'm not asking because I don't know. I'm saying I do. I'm pointing out that there are a very interesting set of consequences to people not valuing monogamy and commitment. Personally, I feel it is harder and harder to find a life partner that wants an actual life partner. I think that people's desperation to find anyone to spend their life with can lead to some unsettling things.
Which was the point of the post.
@jeanine - OK That's a good thing. Just checking.
I never read these posts, I just skim over them and read the last question because my time is much to valuable.
Monogamy is definitely becoming less valuable and even science now is confirming what I have been saying for years. The longer someone is involved in a monogamous relationship the less oxytocin's the brain actually produces. Another words boredom.
There is a reason really desperate people with extremely low self esteem are always the ones who are desperately searching for there "soul mate". They are perpetually stuck in the second perceptual position.
Believe it or not I knew some girls who did get pregnant to keep a guy with them, and there were also some guys who did get their gf pregnant...not by accident.
A baby will not save anything no matter how much you want the person to be with you. My brother was in a horrible relationship with this girl who was very possessive towards him, but of course she used sex to keep him around, and when he was about to leave her she told him that she wwas pregnant and he ended up staying with her hoping the baby will change things. But instead she used the baby to keep ahold to him. And when he was about to leave her again, baby number two popped up and she was using the second baby against him...And this time he finally left her.
I don't have kids, but I imagine most women learn to handle the situation because they're dealing with the physical reality of it on a daily basis. Even the teen girls - their bodies are changing, they have pregnancy symptoms, they have a baby moving in them, they're going to the doctor and learning about what will happen and setting up a nursery. The boys/men? If they don't live with them, they're missing all of that. And they don't get the physical wake up call. Is that an excuse? Sure, but I think that's a big part of why men don't step up. Yes, there are plenty who do, I'm generalizing here.
I don't know anyone who's purposely gotten pregnant to "save a relationship", but I've seen a lot of girls wear blinders and say "He'll be a good dad", "He's changing because of the baby", etc. - I think that's just wishful thinking, because it's scary to be a single parent, especially when you're young. It's gotta be overwhelming to hold your two week old baby and think that eventually, you're going to have to explain to her why she doesn't have a daddy. You know what I mean? But women who do it purposely...well, no good way to say it, they're just dumb.
It is sad but it not only happens, but it's part of a bigger pattern. Women date men who are jerks or losers and then expect to change them. They expect pregnancy, marriage, etc. to make a boy grow up an be a man. It doesn't work that way. Find someone who is worth it in the first place and you won't have to "trap" him. Duh.
That show makes me so sad but I've followed since the first season. I think the worse plight is the plight of the child. The mothers are obviously having them on purpose, obvious to me anyway since not one of them has a valid reason why they became pregnant. They just say I didn't think we needed protection". Come the hell on, they start teaching this stuff in SECOND GRADE.
I feel so sorry for the child who was born just so the husband would stay with the wife. :/
I think the child would feel so sad .__.
Yeah I watched that show recently and it does kind of seem that way, but I don't think it was and accident. I mean one girl said she never used birth control or condoms, so i mean unless she had it planned in her mind that she wanted to get pregnant, it isnt really her fault. So maybe it was an accident? But if it was an accident than why couldn't the girls go and get the day after pill? or just abort it? I mean even if you didn't believe in abortion, why would you want all the stress and problems of a baby, at such a young age? I just don't get it? does anyone else? If you do please tell me. My bf's ex gf got pregnant and is only 17 and she got pregnant with a guy who wasn't good to her,etc but yet she says 'creating a life is the best things she ever done'. which just sounds crazy to me.
It's not "saving" the relationship as much as it is delaying the eventual break-up.
It's not just girls, my weirdo ex wanted to have kids while I was in my teens and get married. Needless to say we are not together anymore.
I believe having a baby in a marriage may help the couple get closer but not while dating. In a marriage they already decided to commit to each other meanwhile dating couples only have the mind set of testing if they are right for each other. The men in the dating relationship might feel they are forced into something they are not ready for or been cheated of how long they wanted to stay in the dating world. I think we all should stay absence until we get marry. This way there would be less hungry children in the streets and less single moms struggling to feed their children.
I know women who got pregnant on purpose thinking that it would keep their boyfriend's around but it didn't work. It only created more drama in their lives.
@PervyPenguin@xanga - true that!
i know a guy that is married to this girl. they just had their baby, but they got married a year ago after a month of dating because she was pregnant and then miscarried. seriously he talks bad about her all the time. he clearly doesn't like her but felt duty bound to her because he wants to be a good dad, but i don't see the same desire to be a good husband. i mostly see resentment and dislike for his wife. i don't know her at all so i'm not going to say she did it on purpose or lied about the first pregnancy, but everyone else who knows her does. and i just feel bad for them both. she is now stuck with a guy who doesn't love her and never will which i am sure she didn't even think was possible back in that "you're so perfect" first month of being together. and now he feels like he is forced to carry this load for the rest of his life. and trust me, he won't. they will get a divorce, but now there is a little baby involved that could of been spared if his parents had been a little more responsible and mature.
in my opinion i dont think the girls on 16 and pregnant get pregnant to keep the guy around i think its just that couple was dumb and didnt do anything to prevent it. if youd watch the reunions all the girls say how they were either talked into not using a birth control or just didnt care to.
I think the worst choice a girl could make is getting pregnant just to keep her boyfriend. I also don't think it's a good idea to stay together if the girl gets pregnant just for the simple fact that it creates animosity. Would you have stayed together if a baby weren't involved? I'd rather go it alone then be with someone who hated me and felt like i trapped them.
its problematic and underhand!
i find it sad and amusing that people are so stupid.
sure, maybe a baby will keep a jerk/bum guy around, but then what? now you're responsible for a life and you don't get to just be a selfish little girl who doesn't know what real love with a decent guy is. oh, and add in that you still have to go through high school like that. and what about college? plus paying for all the baby's needs...people need to stop acting on impulse and realize that the older we get, the more our actions affect people outside ourselves.
frankly, i think anyone who ends up with a kid at a young age was stupid. i would say the same thing if it was me. i know i'm nowhere near ready for a kid. i am far to selfish. and i can barely take care of myself, let alone my pets...
that being said, i know if i wanted to keep my boyfriend around forever, all i'd have to do is get pregnant. he would stay. that's how he was raised and that's what his parents would expect. hell, that's how his sister ended up married to her husband. (it wasn't a trap, though.)
Not one generalization can fit this situation. It can go either way. I have seen guys settle down and mature while I have seen the guys that ditch one the girl is pregnant. It REALLY tells you how the guy is in the first place.
Honestly it isn't a trap besides having to pay child support. If I was in that situation I would just do what I see fit in that situation. Whether it be marrying the girl or just being a good father. I'd expect myself to stick around if i were to ever put myself that situation, unless death takes the better of me.
Most likely, if were to be put into this situation, I'd marry her. Everyone I wish to date has some qualities I would admire in a wife, so most likely I could be with her forever. Regardless of my happiness, the happiness of mother and child is greater then that of my own.
My ex's sister did exactly that. But lucky for her that her bf's parents is in love with the grand child... its their first grandchild so without them, he would of dropped the father hood thing.
My bf/fiance's MOM wants to knock me up?!lol.
I already have one kid, that I am taking care of with barely any help from the father. Im young but Im not on any assistance. Im doing well for us. I guess Chris has told his mom how strong we are and wants me to have her grandbaby.LOL. I would never do it this soon because I know what its like to be bombarded by one child, a newborn would be to much!!! Maybe when my daughter gets older ill be stupid to think that I can raise a toddler and a newborn.lol. NOT RIGHT NOW... but its always a nice inside joke when I ask him "Is ur mom still trying to knock me?" lol