Sunday, 14 March 2010
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Datingish Advice: On Dating in Numbers
There's nothing wrong with casually dating a few people--that's often how you figure out which one you want to be with. But how do you find the time to balance talking to and dating two or more people with a busy schedule??
I posted this question in the Datingish Advice column, but I have a couple more to add to that, if you guys could give me your thoughts:
And even though you wouldn't be doing a bad thing, how do you avoid the awkwardness of getting "caught"? Should you flat out tell the people you're seeing that you're dating a few people and are looking for the right one, or will that make everyone feel like they're in a competition for your heart (even though they kind of are...)?
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Comments (17)
How would I avoid the awkwardness of being caught and their busy schedules?
I wouldn't start seeing more than one person at a time.
Simply because of my logic - which is that if I wouldn't want to be in that situation, why would I do it to someone else? Naw, dating one person is good enough for me. Maybe I'm too monogamous, but it's just not my thing. xD
You definitely shouldn't tell people you're seeing other people...they'll either give up or start trying too hard. There isn't anything wrong with it but once you get past date seven with someone it's time to pick. Them's the rules.
http://plentymorefishoutofwater.blogspot.com/ - dating blog
by even asking about this suggests that even though you state its "wrong", you still feel some sort of guilt if you are found out. dating is supposed to be done with a person at a time. if you dont like one, then on to the next one.
Dunno, don't think I could ever date multiple people at the same time. I would probably be dumb and tell each of them though that I was also dating someone else. Give them each one day a week or something.
Need some more information. Have you ever been caught, or what type of situation is it exactly that you fear is likely to happen?
It doesn't seem like most people are accepting of the idea if they are on the end of being placed in competition with others.
I'm going to go against popular opinion and say:
There's nothing wrong with it. It isn't cheating if it isn't a committed relationship. How can you expect someone to ONLY date you when no commitment has been established?
I know it could be a grey area of being wrong but if you look at it logically... there really is no fault in it. I know it sounds like I'm a player but hate the game, not the player.
To answer the questions:
If you want to balance time dating multiple people, you alternate weekends (or whatever time you have per week allocated to dating).
If you get caught and the person feels wronged, you tell them he/she are welcome to see other people too till the both of you decide on a relationship.
I'm a big fan of multi-dating. All too often, women pour way too much time and energy into one guy and end up suffocating him! As long as the guy understands that you are not dating exclusively, date away! There was a lot of debate about this on my blog when I suggested that women should date several guys at a time. I'm interested to see what others think: http://crazygirlnation.com/2009/04/take-time-to-date/
Whenever I'm single and dating around it usually just happens where I'm just dating one at a time. Not that I have anything against dating multiple guys- I just get wrapped up in getting to know someone and forget the others around me. Eventually they'll bore me and I'll move on to the next one and on and on until I find one I want to fuck for a while or one that I want to be my boyfriend.
In the few instances I was dating multiple guys it was hard. I would forget that I made plans with two of them in the same day (and feel guilty enough to go out with them anyway forcing myself to eat two dinners). I was never afraid to tell them... especially if we were not fucking yet. But if they didn't ask I wasn't divulging any information on dates with other gentlemen. They had an idea it was happening, but were too afraid to loose my affection if I were confronted on it.
I can't juggle different guys at the same time. One is more than enough. On the flip side, if I found out he was dating other girls while he was with me, I'd feel slightly offended and take myself out of the competition. I'm not interested in trying to win a guy over who isn't completely smitten with me and only me. :P
Until a guy asks you to be his gf, you're pretty much single and can date whoever you want.
I see nothing wrong with juggling guys. My Mum recommended it to a friend of mine when I was much younger, and all my friends had a freak out. My Mum's pretty liberal like that, but she's done it before and it worked out for her. If I had the option then I would! I can imagine that it would get a bit confusing though. Just the other day my housemate mentioned that she couldn't remember which of the guys see was seeing had told her what he wanted to do as a future career. This was when she was seeing three guys at once, now she's down to one.
There's no law against it. I probably wouldn't tell them but it depends on how complictated it would get.
I don't think you should tell them that you're seeing other people. If you do, they may not take you as seriously, begin seeing other people themselves, and then you undermine your original purpose of finding a mate. However....when things start heat up and get serious between and you and one of your "special someones", honesty is INDEED the best policy!
@xXDC_luyouXx - I'm with you my friend! It's not cheating unless you're in a commited relationship. I think it only gets a little dicey when physical intimacy becomes a part of the picutre.
A great analogy that I once heard is: How do you pick vegetables at the supermarket? You feel all the other vegetables around it and compare which one is ripest! When you're dating a few people casually, you're seeing which shoe fits best and you won't get too attached too quickly. That has totally been my downfall in relationships!!! If you're dating more than one person, you won't get tricked into believing that the person you're seeing is the only one for you and you better make it work because this is your big chance at love...
I think dating a few people at one time works for certain types folks and not so much for others. For the people who it doesn't work for, I respect your reasoning and for those of us who it does work for...DATE ON, LOVE STRONG or MOVE ON!
hahahahah this is a horrible idea and it ruins everything. especially if just one knows about the other. or even if they both find out, which i'm sure eventually would happen. oh, fun while it lasts though.
yeah it totally takes up your time lol i must say. but eventualy you start to lean towards one more than others.
@xXDC_luyouXx - I agree with this guy. He said everything that I was thinking about it.
Personally, I am not a huge fan of multi-dating but different strokes for different folks. In the dating world, it’s certainly gaining momentum and has its pros & cons. You’re not putting all of your eggs into one basket. At some level, you’re protecting yourself from getting emotionally attached, or hurt by one person, whilst figuring out exactly what you want and like in a partner. And should it not work out with one prospect, it doesn’t matter because there’s more fish swimming around in your bowl. On the flip side, you could find yourself in a situation where you are dating three people, each with different qualities that on the surface are important to you. But which one do you commit to? At this level of dating, you’re still skirting around the periphery and don’t really know any one of them well enough. Potentially, you risk choosing the wrong prospect, or even losing them all if you delay your decision.
Also I believe you should be upfront about multi-dating so each of you know exactly where you stand and expectations are managed from the outset. For example, if person X is enjoying great dates with person Y, in their mind they do not want to see anyone else as they are so into person Y. However, if person Y is on a different page but still enjoys dating person X, as well as A & B, when person X realises or finds out about it, they are going to be hurt and may potentially end things with person Y - who could have potentially been a great partner.