Saturday, 13 March 2010
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Isn't Communication Supposed to HELP?!
One of the most frustrating things I’ve ever experienced is feeling misunderstood. What I’m talking about specifically is when you’re having a conversation with someone (a friend, a parent, an SO) where you just need to discuss something (I don’t even want to call it an “argument” because it doesn’t even have to be that serious) that happened involving this person that bothered you a little. You’re not yelling, you might even be talking with an understanding (but firm) tone, yet the person feels that he or she is being attacked and believes that you think you’re always right and that they’re always wrong. But that is not at all what you were thinking, trying to say, or implying…
For the past week my man and I have been having these…(again I don’t want to say “arguments” because that sounds too extreme for what I’m talking about)…”tiffs”...they aren’t over huge issues, but they are definitely important enough to talk about (in general they have to do with making time for each other despite our busy schedules and me feeling that he hasn’t been as affectionate lately as he usually is).
Since I believe that communication is the number one way to solve things, I don’t hesitate to speak my mind if I feel like something’s off. BUT (thanks to Momma’s good home training—lol), I know how to have these conversations respectfully, admit when I’m wrong, and, after things have been discussed, move on and be able to be positive and lovey-dovey again, sometimes within a matter of minutes. I’m certainly not saying I’m perfect—sometimes I let myself get too heated if I’m upset about something, and sometimes I keep a conversation going until the other person sees my point; after all, I am human—but overall I think I’m pretty good at conducting the not-that-serious-yet-important conversations that are necessary at times, particularly in romantic relationships.
My boyfriend (who is normally one of the biggest sweethearts you’ll ever meet), however, immediately raises his voice in these conversations. He gets defensive, and even if he sounds like he’s about to admit that I could have a point, he gives me a reason to justify his point. He often interrupts me while I’m speaking (which reminds me of my mother—and I’m not trying to date my mother). Before I know it, I notice MYSELF getting worked up and loud as well, and something that I hadn't intended to be a "fight" becomes one. Then, even after I make the point 10,000 times that I love him and am not mad and that I just needed some clarification, he acts cold and sort of shuts down. I say, “Babe, why are you getting mad? It’s not that serious,” and he says “I’m not mad, what do you want me to say?” in this voice that you can tell that he is so clearly upset. When I call him back a little while later after we’ve had a second to breathe, I tell him sweetly that I love him and that I want us to make it through anything, and he’ll say “I love you too” in, again, a less than enthusiastic tone.
We are in a fairly new relationship, but we are both in love and want it to last. Overall he truly is a wonderful boyfriend and person in general. But I feel like we have different (ok, now I’m gonna say it) “arguing” styles that don’t really mesh well. It’s like...if he has little hissy fits over the less significant stuff then what the hell are we gonna do should bigger issues arise in the future? How can we work on this so that he doesn’t feel attacked and so I don’t feel misunderstood? Keep in mind I’m not just wanting him to make a change—I’ll make a change as well if it seems reasonable and like it will benefit us.
What should I do? I want to talk about this with him but once again I feel like he'll think I'm criticizing him, when all I want to do is find a way for us to communicate better about issues. But is it too much for me to want him to be more affectionate right after we've cleared the air about something? Do I have to respect his need to cool down for a day or so before he starts acting like a loving boyfriend again?
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Comments (12)
Same problem with my boyfriend, and it doesn't ever change no matter how many times you try. Sorry.
Make sure it's always in person when talking. Make sure that when you're talking to him, you look him in the eyes and have a relaxed posture. Don't corner him. Let him know you need to talk to him when he has time. then ask him questions about how his schedule has been, etc. find out if he has been stressed or really tired before telling him what the problem is. Sometimes if you can find out a difference in his life, it explains certain behavior.
If he starts getting worked up, do something you know calms him down (like remaining calm yourself), hugging him or giving him a kiss, etc. tell him you just wanted to let him know, and that it isn't HIS fault. Then do something couply after you talk.
@Andrea_Vengeance@xanga - very thoughtful advice! Thanks hun!
It definately does sound like a sticky situation to be in! I would suggest to just bring up your concerns with him but he somewhat sounds like someone who get's defensive a bit too easily. I don't think it would hurt anything to bring up this issue with different "arguing" styles and see what his thoughts are on it, and emphasizing the willingness to adjust your own behavior as opposed to just saying "well this is what you do, and this is how you act", you know?!
But if he really cannot handle discussing smaller issues, it will be considerably difficult to resolve serious issues! Just try to adjust the pattern early on with the smaller things, and find some middle ground! Good luck!
same exact problem! im probably less good about being controlled myself. but if i get the least bit sad he takes it as an insult and shuts down.
ive just tried to wait things out a bit more. and hes gotten better about this since he knows it upsets me.As a person who used to be exactly like your bf, if he wants to change he can. I used to be the person who wanted to chill out and not even speak for awhile before i could talk again. But until i met my husband, it all changed. He is a person so loving and sweet, when we have an argument and we are both upset, he can forget the anger so quickly and wants to go on with our day. Sometimes, i still find myself trying to leave to chill out in the bathroom or go outside or even leave the house and go to Barnes & Noble. But my husband doesnt hold grudges or anger for long, he often tries to grab me and hug me and then of course the hugs make my heart melt. lol. Also, another thing about my husband is that he doesnt like confrontation much and thats what makes me mad most cuz i find myself yelling about why he doesnt want to talk and stuff. lol.
So, from my experience just be the compassionate, loving person you are, he might find himself thinking "She's still caring for me even though im being distant." and he might start easing to you more.
Or you could just confront him also, but in calm way. If he still acts "bleh" to you then at least on paper he doesnt seem like the guy for you. Cuz yes, the good times are the best, but when ppl are having stress or are in trouble is when the guy and relationship really counts. I know this cuz the first 3 -4 months after dating my hubby, we never said i love you at that time either, but when he went through the hardest time of his life, i was there and after it he told me he loved me for the first time. The rough, stressful, argument, trouble, problematic times are the times when you see the true colors of a man. So, just think about that.
Hoped i helped. ^_^
uh yeah my ex did this but I'm pretty sure he had anger issues.
my boyfriend currently will listen to me and talk with me with a level head, neither of us get angry or affronted very easily...
I do agree with the person up top who said to try to discuss these things in person- it tends to get the point across much easier that you're not trying to attack him. and you said that you, yourself, tend to get worked up- DON'T! just stay calm and level headed, and maybe he will too. I know it's frustrating being cut off or interrupted but truthfully, a way to keep him calm is to hear him out first, even if he was rude in cutting you off in the first place. stay calm, let him have his say so that he doesn't get too bent out of shape then, feel free to say "I understand, however..." and if he keeps cutting you off, just hear him out each time, until you have had your say and you feel you've gotten your point across. it seems he may be a bit stubborn about getting his point across first so honestly... just let him do it. and then proceed with what you had to say. it's frustrating but honestly, it's not going to make a dent in your pride to do so. hopefully it helps. good luck.
also, might I add, you said this is a fairly new relationship. just as you guys have many things to learn as a couple, you have to learn how to fight cooperatively as a couple- in many cases, this kind of problem will only get better in time as you guys really learn how to deal with one another when one is upset. if it's meant to work out, it will happen.
My friend gave me this pointer she learned from marriage counseling which I have thus far found very useful. When discussing situations, start statements with the words "I feel" because the other person will less likely get defensive. Avoid using accusatory statements that often starts with "You this.." "you make me feel" (note how the 2nd statement combines the first pointer, but by adding a "you" in the front turns it into accusatory), because it will lead to other person to be more defensive and so a heated argument/tiff can ensue.
She explained that it's a lot harder for a person to get mad at you for how you feel (and if they do, then you really shouldn't be with that person cuz then they really don't care how you feel), and will be more willing to hear you out. But if you cannot discuss things without getting heated, she suggests to flat out say that you do not want to talk to him about the situation until he and/or you are calmer to discuss the matter (heated arguments cause a small situation to inflate, when you are calmer, you are more open minded to hear out both sides).
I definitely feel your pain. My boyfriend and I have the exact same issue. :-\
Same here, sista. I'm starting to think it's just a guy's disposition to think that way.
Instead of "you" statements, I talk with my husband using "I" statements...and enter it with a laugh of sorts.
For instance: "I hate having a wet @$$ in the middle of the night... screw coffee, my cold @$$ has me up!" - he laughs and remembers to put the toilet seat down again.
For instance: "I reached under there...there was something warm, and furry, and not an animal...I'm scared, honey...." - he laughs and helps with cleanup.
For instance: "Nothing says 'I Love You' like flatulence, honey...wow..." - now he not only initiates saying those three words, but also [generally] retreats to the bathroom when the need to expel methane approaches.
Guy-speak is a simple thing. Girls tend to forget that guys need things not just said in words, but also put into tones that guys can relate to...otherwise it's either "whining", "controlling", or "are you PMS-ing again?"...or, as the husband puts it, "So, you need chocolate. Gotcha. Back in five..."