Saturday, 13 March 2010
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My Best Friend and Her Ex
He was an old childhood acquaintance and the ex and rapist of my best friend. They dated until this year for a year. I thought they were basically one person in two different bodies. You’d expect both of them to answer a complex physics question within seconds, but neither of them would be the first invited to any hardcore parties. He had a clean profile with drugs and drinking, so did she. Neither of them really had a decent relationship before each other.
They started off like any other teenage couple. He spent a month getting to know her, asked her to the dance, and after the dance, they began dating. The more they were together the less we saw much of her. It wasn’t an issue within the first few months.
As their relationship progressed, naturally they got more intimate with each other. Within a few months, they lost their virginity to each other. He introduced the promise of a future together in their relationship by mentioning them attending college and getting married together. I wasn’t sure what to think of this because I didn’t consider either of these kids to be normal teenagers. I thought they might’ve been the one or two couple from my class year that made it.
Well, as soon as the talk of the future came about, she disappeared. Apparently, he consumed her entire future, and we (as in me and a few other friends) weren’t really involved. If we tried to make plans with her, she had to check with her boyfriend. They did everything together. If I went over to her house to hang out, her boyfriend would show up ten minutes later unless he was with his friends. It was crazy.
Whenever I was with her, she’d normally stress out about him and issues in their relationship. One of them was that he constantly flirted with other girls. I didn’t really think this was abnormal because my other friends did this to me too. They’d rant about their relationships. It didn’t really strike me until their relationship ended that something was wrong.
She told me a month after he broke up with her that he was physically aggressive with her in the bedroom. When she told other friends this, people were skeptic of believing her. Most don't. Honestly, I’m not sure what to think. As a best friend, I think it’s extremely important to trust her. Knowing him, though, it’s hard seeing him as an abusive rapist because he’s made honor roll the past few semesters, is friendly with everybody, and has a good history. I don’t see want to see an old childhood friend as this dangerous and scary monster. I don’t want to believe my best friend suffered for months and I wasn’t there to talk to her or notice these things myself. I don’t know what to think. I saw her panic and shake in the mall when she saw him there and that’s when it really sunk in that something happened. She was not like this before. She's never lied before.
After they broke up, he got a replacement girlfriend and they made sure to make out in front of her everywhere they went. He added me on Facebook a few weeks ago, and I’m not sure rather or not to accept. I don’t know if I should exclude him in my life or not. I feel an obligation to my friend not too.
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Comments (15)
Sometimes the people who don't look like the type is. Have your friend go talk to a guidance counselor. Or talk to a teacher or whoever who maybe able to help.
Personally, I would believe the friend over a boyfriend who's now acting like a dick (making out in front of her? Who does that!) Whether it was rape, or just something she didn't really want is for her to know. I have had friends in the past who didn't want to have sex, but they didn't really bother to tell their boyfriends that, so their boyfriends just merrily had sex for months and months, only to find out later that their girlfriend has felt abused this entire time. It ends up creating this semi-unwarranted victim-complex, even though it could have been prevented if she had just been straightforward about what she wanted at the beginning... However, if she says he was being aggressive, then you need to take her word on that. It doesn't matter what sort of academics he has, or what his past is. Anyone may be capable of anything.
@Shy___Away@xanga - great points.
ignore him.
you must ignore him.
Don't accept his request, ignore it to the fullest extent.
I agree - you need to ignore him. I see this situation from your friend's POV. I was in a relationship similar to this - the overly-controling manipulating one where your friends are no longer a part of your life because HE is a part of your life. HE is your life. She needs your support now more than he does. He doesn't sound like he's that great of a person and he still wants that control over her (making out with someone else right in front of her is a ploy to make her jealous and sad so if/when he "wants" her back she'll go). By friending you on fb he's going to be a constant reminder to her, which she doesn't need if she wants to truely move on from him.
There is nothing worse than coming out of that type of relationship and having your friends side with him.
He raped her. No question. He probably hit her in the relationship too. I know because I *was* her, once.
Be there for her, believe her with all your heart, it is the best thing you can do. Support her no matter what. You will be angry, you will want to hate him, yet you are confused because you know him so well.
Ted Bundy was a charming, attractive man. He was also a serial killer.
A nice family man in my area recently was discovered to be producing child porn. He also has children.
Everyone is always so shocked 'they didnt seem the type..' That just means they are smart and know what to show to people to make it seem like they could never do something like that.
As I was saying before, you will be upset and confused, you may even want her to report the abuse - if she doesnt' want to, dont pressure her. Do however encourage her to see a counsellor or psychologist, or call a rape hotline. There are facilities out there that offer free counselling for doemstic abuse victims.
That being said, if she DOES want to report him, be there with her EVERY STEP OF THE WAY. It is a huge comittment on anyones part, but as you said, she is your best friend, and you seem to be a person who is very concerned and caring.
Good luck to her and you both.
I feel terrified for his new girlfriend, perhaps let her know in some way..she may call you a crazy bitch, but if he ever does anything to her, she will know then that you were right.
Also, I suggest you reading, and getting your friend to read, 'Real Rape, Real Pain' by Patricia Eastel and Louise McOrmmond-Plummer. It helped me a lot-my counsellor recommended it to me.
Oh and obviously, delete the fb request. Do not be nice to him. Cut him out of your life.
Your friend is the number one priority, not the complications around him and mutual friends.
you obviously don't know him as well as she did. And maybe it was a weird turn on for him to be like that in the bedroom?
Thats how it was when I was with my ex. Everyone thought we were the greatest couple and would get married, have kids, a big house...You know the typical stuff. But what they didn't know was that he was very possessive and aggressive towards me. People don't always look the way we think they are. You could be friends with somebody you don't even know who is that aggressive until they become aggressive with you.
And I was also distant from my friends. Abusers don't like their victims to have any contact with anyone, not even their own family. When I was with my ex, he was around all the time, he called every half hour or hour, had to know where I was and who I was with if he didn't see me for that day.
When we broke up, it was hard for everyone to believe that he was that way with me....But what I'm trying to say is that...Believe your friend, just be glad that she came to you, even though it wasn't right away. Ignore his request, because I'm quite sure he only wants to be nosey about your friend. Just be there for your friend...He's a rapist and he should be in jail for it.
Ignore him. He's trash.
Her fearful, panicking reaction to seeing him at the mall kind of sealed it that something was very wrong. It's often guys who don't seem the type who do this kind of thing. It's very sad. Be there for her if she wants to report him, but even if she doesn't, urge her to see a counselor if she can. Something like this is very traumatic!
honour roll and grades say NOTHING about your morality. just because you can pass tests, it doesn't mean you're a good person.
Ignore him on fb.
And suggest to your friend to report him to the authorities & be there for her all the way.
Ignore.
I dated a straight A science student who thought it was okay when he hit me because I "pissed him off".