Saturday, 13 March 2010
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Hook-ups to Lock-downs--Is Pre-relationship Dating Extinct?
Could someone please inform me as to where the idea of courting went? Did it fade away along with good music and good TV sitcoms? I’m not even just talking about old-fashioned courting from decades ago--even during the ‘90s it seemed like more actual dating happened. You know, the space between where people meet and begin a full-blown relationship?? Yeah, what happened to that??
For the most part, it seems like no one goes on pre-relationship dates anymore. I don’t think it should be blamed on the economy—if I can find lots of cheap and free things to do in an expensive city like New York, then I have to believe there’s wallet-friendly things to do elsewhere. From what I’ve read, heard, and witnessed, it seems like many people—not just college students—meet and hook up relatively soon thereafter, and either it goes nowhere (either because they meant for it not to or because they rushed things) or somehow they magically end up in a committed relationship a few weeks later.
Now I realize that when you start spending a lot of time talking to and hanging out with someone you can start feeling as though you know the person very well, even if you’ve only been talking for a week or two. But if most of that time is spent sucking face (and doing Lord knows what else) and then you jump into a relationship, isn’t that a little hasty? The long walks in the park, movie nights out, and wining and dining no longer seem to happen anymore until AFTER two people are an established couple.
I don’t know about you all, but I need to really know someone before I commit to them. I’m not trying to be surprised a month later that he has a drinking problem or that he’s actually still in love with his ex girlfriend. Not to mention the fact that the whole dating stage, though it can be confusing and frustrating with thoughts like “I think he really likes me, but I’m not completely sure” and “Should I call her back? Nah I don’t want to seem desperate”, is ultimately kind of fun and, in my opinion, necessary! To jump right over it would be like not putting strawberries in a strawberry smoothie—an essential step is missing!
Is this the future of dating? Have you or anyone you know found true love this way? Am I missing something here--is skipping the casual dating part a completely great idea? Give me your thoughts!
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- From: LadyInRed
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Comments (56)
It worked out for me. And didn't work out for most people I know..
Not that we attached ourselves to each other after messing around for a couple weeks.
I think what happened to your idea of dating is that it's just more normal for sex to enter to equation earlier than before, that's all.
It died when women stopped playing hard to get.
@xKattitude@xanga - so true
Yeah, I like to take it extremely slow.. I don't like the thought of "dating." Just meet up, and do normal things together.. eat lunch in school, study in the library, get to know each other there.. make THAT seem special.. instead of going extravagant with our whereabouts. .. save all that (or a large fraction.. i suppose) for later when we're officially boyfriend and girlfriend.
it still exists, at least my bf and i got to know each other better for 3 months after a hookup before we decided to go into a r/s 2 weeks ago.
I've been dating this girl steadily for almost 3 months now, and the most we've done is kiss, and we aren't officially boyfriend and girlfriend. We actually spend a lot of time just talking and goofing around. She and I are pretty comfortable together and can talk about pretty much anything. But I do agree that most people are either all or nothing when it comes to the opposite sex.
im into the pre dating stuff. thats what i di
yeah. this is an good point. all of my relationships have been getting really close to the person without dating them- and then BAM in a relationship. my boyfriend was my bestfriend before my boyfriend. one day I was just kinda like hey, I know you're my best friend but umm... I kinda want you, in oh so many ways.
the rest is history.
I don't really believe in the "pre-dating" but I believe strongly in friendship before dating.
like I see people who meet and then two weeks later are "a couple" and then a few months down the road split because they started dating without knowing each other. stupid.
I know what you mean.
When I was younger, I would have a crush on a guy and befriend him, and it would be weeks, months, before the guy would find out I like him, and in that mean time, I would get to "know him" without being committed to him.
Now if I like a guy and if I go up to talk to him, he assumes I like him, so everything's on the table. if things go well, we'll have a relationship, and even if things go sour, we might still hook up.
Yes, we need to bring courtship back. At least dating WITH A PURPOSE.
Well, my situation is kind of tricky. Because my husband and I were acquaintances and friends for awhile before we ever started dating. But when we started dating, we knew it was right and moved very quickly and got engaged and then married (all within 8 months). It was the right decision for us, but it's not that way for everyone.
But clearly I hadn't just met him.
I did that with a lot of guys, got to know them and realized that we wouldn't be able to be together on a lot of various levels. I spent an entire weekend with the guy that I'm, currently, with right now (this was right after I met him). We spoke on the phone as friends (stayed up until God only knows when - often passing out on the phone together) and hung out as friends. We both knew how the other felt. It wasn't until a while later when we hung out (just the two of us, it had been as a group so we could get to know each others friends as well) by ourselves that we began actually dating. He's my first 'real' relationship and I'm more at ease with him than anything. I hope that helps.
On a side note, you're not going to know everything about a certain person right away. Even after you're in a relationship, you'll learn different things about them. I have a friend that I've known since I was five (currently 21) and I'm still learning things about them. So, it just depends on the people and what kind of person they are. But, hey, that's how life works. Funny, in a twisted way, huh?
my boyfriend and i kissed twice before he asked me out, but before that... he was "courting" me if you will haha
but prior to my now boyfriend, most of our "courting" happens over the phone or texting. which i think is lame because back in the old days, when there wasn't much technology, relationships were based more on trust instead of how often you guys talk throughout the day.
i wouldn't say casual dating has died out, it's only in a coma :)
I agree! So many young people jump into relationships claiming they've found 'the one' days or weeks after meeting someone. I think the initial lust has somehow become the main factor when considering a relationship. So unfortunately to see so many kids 'heartbroken'.
Totally totally agree!!
people dont date becasue they think its a waste of time and they hate not having a title. dating is fun becasue there are no strings attached and you can date multiple people without it being a big deal
Yeah that would be a nice period to realize whether you're falling in love or digging yourself into a hole. And since there's no prior hasty dedication, it's okay if you split. This can also backfire when one person feels like they want a relationship and the other just wants to date, so there's some mind-fucking, but I think pre-relationship dating should come back.
You should come over to the UK...sadly we're required to spend lots of money on a woman before calling her ours. Still amazes me how different our countries are.
http://plentymorefishoutofwater.blogspot.com/ - dating blog
With my (now) fiance and I, it was kind of complicated because we first met online, and then he drove 8 hours so we could meet. He stayed here once a month on the weekend so we didn't really have the typical 'dating' experience. We went to movies, bowling, parks, out to eat..Things like that, that we considered dates..but since we always left the house together, it was different lol. It was more relaxed and comfortable that way though. We met in July of 2007 and in November we just had a talk about what we considered each other basically..and said we thought of each other as our girlfriend/boyfriend..So that's when it became official for us.
I definitely think you should have dates and spend time with the person for awhile before yous consider yourselves in a relationship. Just to see if yous are compatible enough to have the potential of becoming serious. Though, I'm kind of confused by the 'casual dating' thing. I don't think you should date different people at once to see what you like. Stick with one person, if you don't like them, THEN move on to someone else.
Things sure have changed since I was in a relationship in high school. This is probably why half the time I have NO clue on how to even try to get into a relationship with a girl-the whole pre-relationship dating thing seems to be dying out. on top of that half of my friends are married anyway so I'm kinda left out in the dust wondering what in the world happened to my love life (which pretty much doesn't exist at this point).
I have had the same question ever since I started college. I think not only have girls lowered their expectations but we have also become increasingly impatient.
We dont wanna go through ALL of that in between stuff...for some reason we just wanna jump right into the relationship so we can say "Hes my Boyfriend."
That happy place is all to familiar and wanting to be there as soon as possible has cause us to no longer wait out those couple weeks to get to know one another but to just instantly est. yes I like you, you like me. Then ok, we must be a couple? right.
And this is the reason why those relationships, most of the time, do not last. Its never a surprise to me.
Im kinda in that inbetween stage with someone right now and like you said...ITS SO FUSTRATING and annoying because I really DONT KNOW if he likes me. But the other side of my brain is saying "of course he does!"
But im gonna let it take its course because I really like him and I want this to work. I want it for the long run because why waste your time on anything less??
i couldn't agree with you more. i'm trying to date casually, but it's not working out well. i think too many people are hooked on instant gratification. not that there's anything wrong with that, per se, it's just...that's not how i'm wired. i personally think it's important to KNOW someone before you become an item or before you start having sex, but then again, what do i know?
but yes, good points and excellent post.
My husband and I went on two pre-relationship dates (during which time you could definitely say he was "courting" me) and on the third date, it was made official. But I also knew on the first date that I had found someone special.
Meanwhile, we're now happily married for almost a year, together for almost five, and have lived together for almost four. And we're still going strong. I love him even more now than I did when we first met, and though some days are hard, that's a relationship, and you work through them.
So yes, jumping right into things definitely worked well for me.
-Katie
well me and my gf started off just doing things together lunchs and work bubble tea here and there. when we did decide to make it official we just agreed that it was when we started seeing eachother as opposed to the day we agreed.
If you look at what people call a "successful" relationship these days it's often a matter of a few years. That's not success. Why do we aim so low? Success is the couple that's been married for 50+ yrs (if they live that long). There's too much focus on the here and now. I think this same short-sightedness is why we see so many people skipping the courtship stage. It's an American idea that we are entitled to everything now. This is also reflected in the overwhelming number of people in credit card debt. What we see are the symptoms of a more serious problem.