Friday, 12 March 2010
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Why I Regret Having Premarital Sex
This seems to be the topic of the season, so I shall throw in my $0.02
I'm not a virgin. I've done it with my girlfriend--the only girlfriend I've ever had--and we are not yet married. I have had premarital sex. I admit to being a very, very sexually driven person at times. Some people who have strong sex drives are taught to suppress them, which, in MY experience, often leads to disaster later on. Some people are taught to be ashamed of sex and ashamed of their bodies. I was one of those people, and so was my girlfriend.
I regret having premarital sex, but not because of the fact that it was premarital sex. Rather, I regret it because of the circumstances under which I had the premarital sex. My girlfriend and I were both Christians at the time we began fooling around, as we had been for our whole lives at that point. (Now, let me stop right here and say something - when I say the word "sex," I DO NOT necessarily mean "penetration." I mean "fooling around" in any way that would be considered as sexual. I don't think I need to go into much more detail than that.)
I regret everything about that. I regret feeling guilty. I regret trying to slip through the cracks by not doing the "real thing." I regret that I was so focused on how ashamed we should be that I neglected to focus on how it was supposed to be a special moment for both of us. I regret every bit of it, and I feel that it had quite an impact on our sex life in quite a negative way. I could blame religion for this, and in part I do...but when push comes to shove, I can only blame myself for not remaining true to my beliefs and thus feeling shameful and guilty when I violated them. I couldn't enjoy something that I was supposed to enjoy immensely. My first time was less special because I let it get conquered by guilt and shame. (Of course, I got to a point later in my Agnosticism where I got over that aspect, but I just really wish that I could have experienced that kind of sex the first time around.)
Basically, I regret having premarital sex because I had it at a time that doing so went against my "beliefs." Sure, the experience did help mold my beliefs into what they are now, but I just think that it would have been better had I either remained faithful to my then belief system, or altered my beliefs to accommodate the sex and feel like less of a hypocrite (which is what I ended up doing later, but not just because of the sex). It's really one of those "be true to yourself" type deals; if you claim that sex after marriage is the way to go, then stick to that belief--the minute you go against it, you're going to have to deal with shame and guilt that you wouldn't otherwise have had to deal with on your first experience.So I guess what I'm saying is, do whatever it takes to make your first time special. I'm NOT saying to only have sex after marriage, I'm saying have sex whenever you want to, but keep it shame free! I didn't do that, and I really regret it. Sure, we still had fun together, but I think it would have been that much better without the needless shame and guilt that plagued it.
And as always, no matter the circumstances, always make educated and smart decisions regarding your sexual activities, such as using protection to protect against disease and unwanted pregnancy.
Have fun, stand by your beliefs, and BE SAFE!Do you regret having premarital sex? Why or why not?
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- From: Soul_Pizza@xanga
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Comments (157)
you should have listened to your heart instead of your doctrine of faith.
it's how you were raised, you can't blame yourself too much.
you learned from it and that's what counts.
you know what your true beliefs are now.
life is all about learning. just be glad you figured out where you stand, because some people never do :)
I am married now, and yeah I do regret having premarital sex with my husband sometimes. We also are both Christians raised to know it was wrong yet we were sexually driven and it happened. I mean I can't go back and change it but I am thankful we're married now.
I don't regret it. I had initially believed that I might wait until marriage. But after meeting and falling in love with my boyfriend I didn't feel the need for that. I felt how strongly he loved and cared about me and how I strongly returned the emotions. Having sex is something I do purely out of love, worship of him and what we have as well as the physical bliss it inevitably brings us. I can't imagine not being with him so the sex was just a natural progression.
Additionally I was, and to some degree am still, ashamed of sex, my body or the enjoyment sex does bring me. However it seems so odd to feel anything but joy about something that is so natural, primal and just...right.
yeah, i do. =/
partially because we didn't last, partially because of my religious beliefs (which i wasn't too serious about at the time) and partially because he was constantly screwing me over.
no matter if you decide to wait or not, it is a decision that should ALWAYS be thought through. you wouldn't want to look back and think "wow, i wasted my virginity on him/her."
uhh u were raised all wrong. i hate that whole no-sex-before-marriage-or-it's-off-to-hell-for-u crap. i hate weirdly religious ppl who r ashamed of their feelings and sexuality, and i think their sexual frustration is very much deserved. they bring hell to themselves by trying to avoid a hell that doesn't exist. serves them right for being little jesus bitches
Yes and no.
No because I really did love them and I wanted to show them in my way. I really did love him and was with him for a long time. I also try to have no regrets, no matter what.
But yes because it didn't last and I really thought it was going to. And that hurts because, it makes me feel like less of a person. Like I don't have that ONE special thing to offer the right person when I meet him. That bums me out alot.
i've never regretted having premarital sex even though i grew up christian (i'm agnostic now too, though). i knew too many young christians that rushed into marriage simply because they were taught that premarital sex/living together/etc. was "sinful"-- only to find out a few years later they married the wrong person and had to go through a messy divorce (often with kids involved).
marriage is a piece of paper, not a morality rite. it seems crazy to me now that people think otherwise. but then again religious doctrine isn't usually rooted in reality.
no, i don't regret it. i waited longer than i may have wanted to to lose my virginity (i didn't lose it until i was 17), but i waited because i wanted the first time to be special. i was in love with a great person who i really connected with and she and i even waited a month after we wanted to start having sex to actually do it so we could go away to a nice cabin in the forest and i could take time off work and do it right. so yea, even though i'm not with that person anymore and never care to get back together, i have no regrets because i feel like i lost it at the right time in my life and to the right person.
It's sad to see so many people raised Christian regretting their first time because they keep getting the wrong impression about how sex should be. For everyone getting all pissy about how Christians are afraid of sex because it will send them to hell if, God forbid, they enjoy it, you're misinformed. Sex is meant to be enjoyed...within its proper context. Don't blame Christianity; blame what the church has turned into, because it's doing a crap job of educating teens on sex by just making them feel guilty because its still too taboo to be open about.
@kaos_calle@xanga - I don't think that it's fair you commented on how the author was raised. We are all raised differently, there is no one "normal" or "right' way. In addition, perhaps Christian faith was his own choice, having nothing to do with family influences.
It seems like a very egotistic and ignorant remark to bash on people with religious faiths, calling them "Jesus bitches" (I am guessing this is in referrance to the Christian/Catholic doctrine). Yes, you may not believe in hell, but not everyone has to agree to or conform to what you think is "right", and vice versa
i had a christian girlfriend for several years. yes...the guilty kind. she was messed up about it, bad, and therefore it messed me up. i too regret having premarital sex. WITH HER. in fact, that's the only relationship in my entire life i regret.
You stood by your beliefs. You felt ashamed as a result. What's the problem? Are you upset that you were reacting in a manner consistent with your beliefs?
@sarahzthoughts@xanga - thank you! I agree comepletely with the misconceptions that Christians are afraid of sex. I grew up in a Catholic private school and sex ed to us was "abstinence or die". When I atteneded public highschool for the first time, sex ed class was a total shock!
I think all in all, whether you have a particular religious belief/moral code or not, the most important thing is to know what you are comfortable doing sexually. Call me old-fashioned but I believe that a level of trust should be established between partners before engaging in sexual intercourse. It should be with someone who you care about and reciprocates the feeligns as well
I regret it. Big time. In fact, I pretty much regret every time I have sex, but I keep doing it, and I can't stop. :/
@mz_d0rkabl3@xanga - But if one adheres to the Christian belief, they shouldn't be comfortable having sex outside of marriage. The Christian standard for sex isn't just someone to feel "comfortable" with. I actually have a bigger problem with "Christians" trying to justify their actions that the Bible deems as sinful than non-Christians who bash the Christian view of sex. Believe it or not.
People put too much focus on their first time. It's not the first time that counts. It's the last time that counts.
@sarahzthoughts@xanga - I have alot of problems with the bible actually (oh god, the church is gonna love hearing about this).
There are advocates who claim that the bible is against same-sex relationships. Now it is not my place to judge "right" or "wrong" (personally, I don't care), but while some churches are strongly against homosexuality, some accepts same-sex relationships (such as the one I go to).
Talking to my pastor about pre-marital sex, his opinion was that before engaging in sex one should think about what it means and what the other person means to them - mainly stressing on the presence of love. I have also attended workshops focusing on teen sexuality stressing on clarity of actions and the meaning of love rather than guilt and shame of failing to be abstinent. There are people like my uncle and his girlfriend who have been living together for 20 years and are considered married under the law, but never held a wedding ceremony.
Once again, I don't have the right to advocate "right" or "wrong", but not all Christians view sex the same way.
@mz_d0rkabl3@xanga -
Once again, I don't have the right to advocate "right" or "wrong", but not all Christians view sex the same way.
The easy solution to that would be to read the Bible in context. There's no way to get around the fact that God condemns sex out of wedlock. Obviously this isn't something non-Christians are all that concerned about. But for someone who IS a Christian, you can't -- pardon the awful pun -- skirt around this issue. It seems the author of this post has a bit of soul-searching to do. Making a mistake doesn't mean you can't be a Christian, but if there is no repentance (or repentance for the wrong reason) then a bit of self-evaluation is definitely in order.
@mz_d0rkabl3@xanga - I'll take the misconceptions a bit further. For example, we had just as comprehensive of a sex ed program in my Catholic school as the public school kids did, birth control and all (and no, it wasn't a liberal Catholic school either, not by a long-shot).
@roxics@xanga - epic.
@QuantumStorm@xanga - Well given I was in a Catholic elementary school, so maybe thats why the sex ed program was so vague. I think it varies from school to school and region to region
@kaos_calle@xanga - I hate morons who generalize against entire faiths, choose not to understand the perspective of others, and, most of all, don't know how to capitalize the first letter in their damn sentences.
@mz_d0rkabl3@xanga - I'm inclined to agree with you, as that was my point.
we all have our regrets, the best thing to do is learn from it and keep it close so you wont forget
Hell some people feel masturbating is wrong.... it doesn't mean that they'll stop doing it.
Having sex is as primal as eating and breathing. I think the problem is not when or who you do it with, but rather how we look at our selves after that event. Self guild occurs in every person, but to an extend, guilt only happens when you're guilty of something. I think that something is when you compare yourself to a "perfect" situation, where you just wish you could hit the reset button and pretend that cock you sucked never happened.
WHY DOES EVERYTHING HAVE TO DO WITH RELIGION WHEN IT REALLY DOESN'T?!?!??!