Friday, 12 March 2010
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Datingish Advice: Being Friend's with your SO's Friends
Since the day that I was introduced to my man's friends, despite being naturally an introvert, I've tried coming out of my shell and getting to know them. Whether I thought they were immature, hardly sober or whatever, I pushed all personal judgment aside and did my best getting along with them because these people are obviously another part of my man's life that he considers important. I've known most of them since 2008.
What really gets me though, is that I've been trying to maintain a positive friendly disposition and giving it my all to my man's best friends, but I still feel like they just generally dislike me and I feel excluded when I hang out with my man and them. One of the best mates, a guy, isn't all that bad and just seems quiet. His girlfriend who happens to be the female best friend of my man however, seems to end up talking to my man a lot more than her boyfriend and I do in a single session. So I guess I feel a bit annoyed by that on top of her pretty much blocking me out or excluding me each time. My man says it's her personality, that she's a hard person to get to know.
I guess part of my being peeved is
A) I seem to be doing the best I can to get along with these people who don't seem to be doing crap in return,
B) My man doesn't seem to do anything about it like talk to them and tell them not to be so closed instead during an argument once, he said that I was the one who was 'standoffish',
C) I've done everything I can, which is seriously saying a lot from a introvert
D) Who the hell does she think she is, blocking me and cutting me off from the group pretty much every freaking time?
Is there anything more that I can do? Should I be jealous or annoyed in any way by this female best friend? Am I taking this whole thing too seriously?
Share your advice at Datingish Advice: Should it or should it not matter whether your SO's best buddies accept you or not?
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Comments (20)
The way I see it is, you can't make everyone like you. You've done what you can do and that is all you can do. If you trust your boyfriend, then you have nothing to worry about. She will eventually look like the bitch she is being.
wow do i know exactly how you feel. when you know, let me know. its the worst situation and puts such unnecessary strain o a relationship, and mine is 5 years later. its even more fun when your bf is always with his friends and not you. ughhhhhhhhhh
This is such a tightrope. You need to be careful. Play the long game - do a Goebbels on her, spreading lies and propaganda, but in a subtle way. You'll get there. I wish you luck.
Check out my dating blog for other great advice: http://plentymorefishoutofwater.blogspot.com/
Here's the terrible reality about men and their friends:
(this is what I've witnessed)
1) Because men are more logical, if they have an inkling to cheat or leave and confide in a friend, they are more willing to listen to advice that sounds logical than to what their heart says. So if their friend(s) don't like you, this puts you in alot of trouble. It could be because they liked the ex better, or you just rub them the wrong way. Either way, if the friends don't like you, its going to be hard to change their opinions. And if you antagonize it, fight it, they will do what they can to make you the enemy. And if they EVER get a window to get rid of you, they will.
2) The friends always win, in the long run. Sometimes, in small spats you'll get the better end, but in the end, they have more power than you give them credit for. Think about it, it's probably the same when it comes to your friends and their SO's v. you.
3) Life Lesson: misery loves company & losers like playmates. If your SO's friends are kinda losers and you're not in the same place as them, they will resent you and not like you. They think you're trying to take him away from them.
You aren't taking this too seriously. You NEED to worry about this. Whatever you do, try to stay in a safe zone with these people. Don't antagonize them because, if you really like this guy and get on their bad side, they can be what ruins you. Because ultimately, men will chose friends over girls. This has happened to me many many times before.
I've always been moving forward and my two serious relationships were with guys who had friends who were not going anywhere (no jobs, no money, no g/fs, living with parents) and we also had personality clashes, which were worse. Ultimately, their friends are what pushed the guys away from me. Both times. Because (in my situation) I wanted to be a grownup, I wanted to move forward with my life... meanwhile both ex's had friends who were near their 30s and working part-time retail, going NOWHERE. And when push came to shove, I was Public Enemy Number 1 with both my ex's friends to the point where I wasn't welcome to parties and events anymore, which was total b*llsh*t.
That's why I'm at this weird place in my life where I hope my next boyfriend has no friends at all. Seriously, that sounds crappy but my boyfriends' friends really buried me, both times.
Watch out for this and DON'T antagonize these people. put on a fake smile, fake front, do your best acting to be friends. Remember: Keep your friends close and your enemies closer.
@PMFoutofwater - uhh spreading lies and propaganda? really? That sounds like GREAT advice for a healthy relationship *sarcasm*
maybe they could tell that you were faking friendliness towards them
and why are you mad at the other girl? Yes you can be jealous that they like her better, but I don't necessarily see it as her fault. It's not like they don't like you because they like her better
is anyone else is creeped out by the guy in the picture wearing those girls flip flops?
But if they aren't trying to be your friend in return that means that they either dont like you or they think your relationship with you SO will not last
&& seriously if that girl is going out of her way to do that then that means she feels ur over stepping your boundaries and into her territory and she prolly like your boifriend, just saying ive seen it happen
Do you like his friends? I mean, if you are being nice to them for the sake of your boyfriend but not because you genuinely like them, then that could also be it. People can tell when somebody is being fake.
@JinXd_Icicle@xanga - good advice...but I've found that not ALL guys will choose their friends over their chick. While it's a really good idea not to antagonize your SO's friends, I'm a firm believer in communicating uncomfortable feelings that may result from encounters with the SO's friends. I've been put in situations where a few of my boyfriend's friends have behaved rudely towards me. I've always talked it out with him afterwards and during our next encounter with rude friends he makes it a subtle point to them that he won't be having any of it. They've all backed down. Also, one of his friends did a very great wrong by me (and my bf) last year when we were out clubbing. This "friend" blamed me for the trouble he caused and then tried to get my bf to go with him somewhere else (mind you, this is a friend of 10+ years). My bf pretty much told him to go f*** himself, in nicer words. While he's still "friends" with this person, he won't hang out with him for months at a time. Even when this "friend" insists that he should see me again and that I'm messing up their "friendship" my bf just tells him that they don't need to be friends anymore if he feels that way.
I'm just giving a bunch of examples. I've had previous guys I've dated, not even been in a relationship with, who refused to let their friends meddle. And girl friends can be especially annoying, so I get where this poster is coming from. My advice is that she talk to her bf about it and tell him exactly how she feels. Guys think more logically and are generally more straightforward, therefore they respect it. I've never been hurt by just talking about problems concerning friends. If anything, I've found out it makes the relationship stronger.
Friends always hate the new girlfriend, sometimes. Sorry, no point of advice here.
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i totally feel that way when my bf and his friends are around, im not normally that quiet but when they are around i drop to nothing and i dont talk!
it feels weird talking to them just because they are all older than me. my bf is older than me by 3 years therefore so are his friends. they all work and have stable relationships/engaged etc
im the youngest when there are get togethers and they talk about their past. i guess there isn't much you can really change about their relationship! therefore you live it out. they don't hang out all the time and as their lives get busier they won't have as much time to get together either. so just suck those few meet ups up and move on.
@JinXd_Icicle@xanga - I get where you are coming from, but you kind of sound paranoid. The friend's shouldn't be labelled out as enemies - if they are an important part of your SO's life, you should take genuine care to know and appreciate them. They are a reflection of your SO, after all. :)
To the poster, your SO's friends and how he handles the dynamic of introducing you into his social life is a really good indicator of his maturity level. I recently met my SO's close friends from college (and their wives) at a weekend cabin trip in the mountains. I am naturally an introverted person, and take some time to become familiar with people - particularly other females - so I was reticent about spending the entire weekend with these two couples that have a lot of history with my SO. My boyfriend and I talked about the trip beforehand and I shared my concerns and nerves about meeting everyone - he was completely understanding and throughout the weekend made special effort to help me feel included when things seemed to get a little clique-ish.
Whatever you do, don't fake it or treat them like the bane of your relationship. Be the awesome girl you are - and his friends will see what he sees in you. And remember, even if they don't, if they are good friends, they should really just care that he is happy and that the relationship seems healthy! Don't be too discouraged if it seems like you are putting up more effort; more of the effort will probably have to come from you - his friends don't have anything to lose or gain from liking you or having you like them. Most importantly, don't view them as enemies.... even the girls (which I know can be a difficult thing to do). If you feel she is seriously disrespecting you or your relationship somehow, and he is not able or willing to address it, this could be a problem that the two of you need to examine together. He should stand up for you and your relationship and if he isn't, this could be a bad sign for troubles ahead. On the other hand, sometimes its easy to be sensitive to females who have a social history with your SO. Examine where your feelings may be coming from. Are you letting some insecurities get in the way of your thinking?
You should be JEALOUS and ANNOYED! She's purposely being provocative and nasty to you. Women can sense insecurity, discomfort, and a meek person in a minute. Since you're an introvert, she's picked up on the fact that you won't cuss her out and put her in her place. But is that really her fault entirely? This is where you SO comes in...He should definitely be stepping up to the plate and intervening for you. Yeah, those are his friends, but you're the woman that's he's with. And, if you two plan on making a life commitment, that means both people will be making compromises and life adjustments. You have already done so by coming out of your shell. Now, he needs to step and be a MAN. If you're in a relationship, you need to be there to support, encourage, and defend one another. I'm not sure you feel that he's defending, supporting or encouraging you. Especially if he's throwing things up in your face while you're arguing...that's no bueno. He's invalidating your feelings, rejecting you, and not at all being flexible.
Hope this helps!!!
I'd talk to my man about it. If he doesn't talk to them about giving you a chance to be one of them, then just fuck them, who are they to judge you anyways. And that girl, I'll tell my man how I feel about her, if he doesn't talk to her and she doesn't change the way she acts, bitch slapped. LOL well, that's me anyways.
@sleepysouthie@xanga - That's not what happened - I didn't start off hating them. It was after months of abuse and being purposely excluded that I saw a pattern in their behavior. I tried to tolerate it until I felt abused or neglected. I'm not antagonistic so for my exs' friends to hate me for no reason (except thinking I'm a bad match or something) is invalid.
And I used to believe friends are a reflection of who we are. But my trashiest ex "K" had the nicest friends in the world and he was a total tool. So.. I don't think I entirely believe that anymore. I think when it comes to men, they hang out with whose available & have common interests (sports teams, music, ect). I think women chose their friends more based on genuine character & personal quality than men do.
Why do you think women friends have 80%
more fights than guy friends? Because men don't have huge emotional
expectations from their friendships.
Think about how many nice guys who have one terrible douche bag friend. He's everything detestable in a man BUT HE'S STILL THERE in the group. Why? "Because he's funny and he's a cool guy." When it comes to FRIENDS, I don't think guys have heightened judgment because it's about entertainment & enjoyment. Not bonding, support or "quality time together." Most men will hang out with anyone because their friendships are only so deep.
This is JUST my opinion, doesn't mean its right - this is all from what I've seen. I could spit out 1000 different examples, from ex's and just guy friends but I won't. And I'm open-minded to say different when I see otherwise.
A) I commend you for trying, especially since you've proclaimed yourself an introvert. B) Have you really talked to your man about how all this has made you feel, does he know all the points you've covered in your blog, if he does, then it doesn't seem like he's giving you the respect you deserve as his girlfriend. C) If you've done everything you think you can do, there's nothing left to do but be yourself. Doesn't matter if they like it or not, but you should never try to change yourself for anybody!! D) She thinks she knows him better than you do and she thinks that her actions will bother and upset you, which is exactly what happened. She feels threatened by your presence and wants to piss you off, while ignoring her own boyfriend too. If you want to do something about it, use all that energy you exerted to break out of your introverted shell and GET IN YOUR MAN'S FACE AND TELL HIM HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT ALL OF THIS! If ever you feel angered or jealous by how your partner's friends are treating you, THERE IS A PROBLEM, you aren't taking this too seriously, its a serious matter and you've been trying to deal with it as best as you could. There's no reason to feel bothered by this girl's behavior because if your partner is seeing what she and his other friends are doing, HE should be doing something about it! You are his girlfriend, you are the person he is in a relationship with, and if his friends are openly being disrespectful to you and he sees that, most likely, you're not as important to him as you think you are. No one deserves to be treated that way or feel like they have to try so hard to impress their partner's friends. And your partner doesn't exactly seem like a good boyfriend if he can't stand up for you now and then.
jaja I had no problem with it, I became friends with my ex friend, some of them now seem to prefer me over her =P
@JinXd_Icicle@xanga - It is true that the nature of friendships probably differ depending on gender. However, even if male friendships are generally less emotionally salient and more clustered around shared experiences, this does not mean that these relationships are meaningless, chosen by whim or random, or do not reflect something about the people involved. (Sure, everyone at some point has a few friendships of convenience, but that is not a generalization that extends to ALL guys, all the time. Even then, these convenient friends are chosen over other equally convenient people.) I still contest that the people you call your friends are a good reflection of you - who you are, what you value. The characteristics that bond people may not be readily apparent to an outsider, and may even seem odd or in opposition of expectations, but they are still there. Bottom line: I would have serious concerns about dating a guy who's primary friendships were destructive, aggressive, extremely opportunistic, etc. Especially so, if the person you're dating does not recognize these qualities in his friends, or sees those qualities as acceptable.
Aaaaaannnyway, this whole discussion is way off topic :) My entire point was that, (for the poster) treating the friends as enemies only serves to alienate her further from them, and create division in her SO. Being fake around them also usually backfires. She should be herself and give it time, rather than worrying excessively or getting caught up in social discomfort. People rarely rally against someone without reason, but if she continues to have problems, being open about them with herself and her SO will hopefully allow them to work through the problems together. If your SO's friends exert so much pressure on him that he break up with you - you probably don't want to be with that person anyway. Where is his backbone?
I guess, I mean they introduce you to their friends so that they can get the 'ok' or 'how is she?' from them. And I guess confirming that they'd be a good match. See me, I still talk to my ex's friends..... :/