Sometimes when a situation involving you and your SO goes awry, who is to blame? Many of us are quick to point fingers, even if in reality it's not the other person's fault.
Sometimes the situation is minor. For instance, you have a huge exam the next day and you really need your [x] hours of sleep in order to do well. However, you kind of want to stay up and talk on the phone with your SO because you haven't been able to get in touch with him or her because of all that studying (or procrastinating) you've been doing.
You choose to talk, whisper some naughty things, tell them how much you appreciate them, laugh about something that happened earlier in the day and then you finally go to bed. The next day, you do awful on the exam for whatever reason. And for whatever reason, you decide to blame your SO.
It could end there with a little tiff and a pout. But sometimes the situation can become drastic. The previous situation can escalate into a full-fledged argument. During this argument, one (or both) of you begin to recount the awful things the other has done in the relationship in the past ("you used my Balenciaga scarf when we ran out of toilet paper!). Or one of you say a nasty remark you don't even mean ("you're worthless" or "I don't love you!"). Or you cry, scream, or storm out of the room. Or, all of the above happens.
The argument has become so emotional and centered around the other person's faults that it has reduced your SO AND you to feeling like crap. But even if the particular situation had occurred due to the other person, when you boil it all down, is it really about faults? Is it really about being right or being wrong? Where is the love in all of this?
Are passionate and hateful arguments worth it? Is it worth risking the relationship?
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Comments (15)
YES
...
It's about being human, having faults, and at times just rubbing each other the wrong way. It's to be expected. No relationship is perfect.
Having said that, it depends on each relationship - too hard to generalise anything ... but I believe that when an argument becomes so big that it seems to be what leads to separation/break-up, it's a manifest level-issue - the real issue at heart is resentment, on whatever subject, and love growing thin ... well, from what I've observed. Love is the main issue ... blame can't be given entirely to one party. A grey area, I think.
Usually have to tell them that I am busy. If they don't understand, then I'd have to have a talk with them AFTER my exams.
If I was being blamed for him not studying, I wouldn't back down from that, but he's not the finger-pointing type and can own up to putting things off at the last minute instead of blaming someone else for his problem. Some things are actually worth arguing about, and can often lead to a pretty good start to a conversation that needed to be had anyway. Obviously there's some underlying issue there to start the argument in the first place, and those needed/need to be addressed. Without the yelling and arguing would be better, of course, but if that's what it takes to bring the problem to the surface, so be it. A couple arguments won't kill a relationship.
NO! HOW do people who supposedly love each other have hate-filled, nasty arguments? I understand occasional fighting. That's bound to happen. But I hear all the time, "He/she called me a worthless piece of shit and I cracked the door from slamming it and spit in his/her coffee the next day." WTF? My husband and I have fought, yes. But NEVER to that extreme. We're perfectly capable of talking things out rationally. If we aren't at the moment, we take a brief break from each other, calm down for a few minutes, and by the time we're back in the same room we realize we were being stupid. And even still, we've fought probably less than ten times since we've known each other. I understand the rare fight, but when couples have nasty, hate filled fights all the time rather than say, fighting a lot but just during a brief stressful period, I personally wonder why they're together.
We argue as often as any functioning relationship should, would, or could. Maybe one of us is doing something nitpickingly annoying or maybe one of us forgot to do something. Perhaps we had a bad day and some steam needed to be let off, but it's all in the name of growth and understanding.
When arguing leads to hurtful or hateful remarks, it's gone too far. There's a difference between passionate and hateful. If you love somebody you should never want to introduce any sort of hate into any sort of situation.
Hell, you should never want to introduce hate into any situation at all.
when my bf and i fight, we say we don't point fingers but it's done already. we do play the blame game, it's always a 'he said, she said' and then after a while, i forget what we were fighting about and just want the whole thing to end but he still wants to settle things. after a while, i just don't care about it anymore but at first i am very passionate about getting my point across. it def hurts the relationship, it draws the two people involved further each time.
This about sums it up. You know, it's funny you mention this because when my husband and I are argue sometimes, it could be about something so random and unimportant and then it suddenly escalates into him sleeping on the couch and I'm alone on the bed. Sometimes we forget what we even argued about in the first place and why this led to this or why that led to that. However, if both parties are always bickering and arguing over stupid crap then there's something wrong with that picture. It's okay to disagree about something because you guys aren't always going to agree on everything, and you shouldn't, but you should know when to differentiate between what's worth arguing about and what's worth just letting go.
All relationships have arguments, but no good relationship has arguments over what you described.
Personally, my last argument in a (bad) relationship was my trying to tell my bipolar FWB that no matter what we were, I saw him reverting to his "dark side" and instead of accepting my help as a friend, he chose to ignore his issues and feed off mine to try and hurt me. My take on that: he'd done it before, and after wasting 3 years of my life trying to help him, I realized that someone of his level of stubborn-ness could only help himself when/if he decides to own up to the fact that he has a problem. I let go, because to hold on would have killed me.
So no, in a healthy and mature relationship arguments like this are not worth it! Anyone who intends to be married someday (and is over 18 years old) should know that to fight over things like this, and furthermore to handle it so immaturely, is just hindering them and their SO.
I think when things like this happen, it's time to get over it and find someone worth your while. It may take time, and a lot of learning, but it will be worth it in the long run :)
Usually when we argue we refuse to blame each other and instead blame ourselves. There have been times where it was completely my fault, and he did absolutely nothing, and he still wouldn't admit that it was my fault, he kept blaming himself.
people argue all the time, but probably should ease it on the nasty remarks
People blame their SO because they don't want to blame themselves. They always want their failings in life to be due to someone else. A lot of arguments happen because of this. If people were more able to look at themselves and realize that sometimes things are their fault, there would be less problems.
Just my two cents.
ugh. the boyfriend and i get into suicide-inducing arguments on pretty much a daily basis. worth it? probably not, because it never changes anything. when you boil it down, i'd say blame is usually irrelevant, and the entire argument is pointless.
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