As long as I've been with my boyfriend I have been the one who does the dishes. I can do a full sink of dishes, effectively, in about 10-20 minutes. My boyfriend, however, takes twice as long as that. I soon found myself continually hovering over him and asking if he wanted/needed/god please take my help. I'd return into the kitchen after what I felt was an appropriate time to be done and find he had barely even made a dent.
The same goes with cleaning of the house. I guess you can say it's my domain, however 1950's it is. He is the same way when it comes to fixing things [I'm terrible with a hammer and nail] and cooking dinner [I'm a burner, I admit].
I recently watched a public access television show that touched on the topic of "Gatekeeping." Finally, what we thought was just us being OCD had a name. For those of you who don't know, Gatekeeping is where one person in the relationship takes over certain roles in the home [such as doing dishes or barbecuing] and feels ultimately that they are the best at this task and the other person could never do it as effectively as they could.
It happens in relationships with children as well. The term being "Maternal Gatekeeping," where the mother takes over almost all domestic and child rearing duties while continuously putting obstacles in her partners way to keep him from attempting these tasks. It's an early setup for later problems if not addressed. Watching that show opened my eyes.
Nowadays when my boyfriend wants to do something around the house I let him. And I focus more on the happiness I have that he's offering to do these things than the way it's done. Our relationship has been made better and stronger by me easing on my gatekeeping. But I do think that I will let him continue to be the handyman. With me at the helm, someone's liable to lose an eye...
What about you? Are you a Gatekeeper in the relationship? Has it cost you a relationship? Are you good at being domestic or better with the hammer and nail?
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Comments (14)
I am the Gatekeeper. Are you the Keymaster?
I was the gatekeeper when it came to certain things in my last relationship. We lived together for nearly a month and a half and during that time I always did the dishes everyday, he would keep them in a pile for weeks if it was up to him, i made the bed every morning, he is the type to crawl out of bed and leave the blankets on the floor in a ball, drives me nuts. I came up with an idea that worked quite well though. Every 2nd or 3rd day when both of us had nothing to do, we would put on the music, get in our comfy clothes and have a major clean up day. (keep in mind though that the necessities got done everyday i.e dishes, making bed, etc.) It got him cleaning though and he actually enjoyed it.
As for cooking and fixing things. We would take turns cooking, but most of the time I would start dinner and he would take over lol. He was in charge of fixing things though.
I'm single and happy.
Nope and it's because I'm too lazy to be the gatekeeper.
Yeah Hell No
@Utoppia - I agree with you.
Gatekeeping is too much work, I aintgot time for that.
@snarkius@xanga -Yes. Actually I'm a friend of his, he asked me to meet him here
@softaswater@xanga - Ghostbusters? xD
i'm an undercover gatekeeping handy- mommy. it's horrible. i let him do things around the house only to redo them when he's not looking. he'll do laundry and i'll go after him to fold, he'll hang pictures horribly and i'll rehang... it's a sick disease, lol. he has no idea, and i'd never let him. we're happy fulfilling our roles, just as long as he doesn't find him i'm refilling his.
I would most likely be the Gatekeeper because I'm OCPD about those things too.
@snarkius@xanga - best comment on the topic
@sailorsakura9@xanga - It's what everyone was thinking the moment they read the title :)
No. My bf and I agreed to split the chores evenly down the middle when we move in together. He'll do his share and I'll do mine. None of this "domain" stuff.
get a maid, that way no one has to worry about the dishes.