Tuesday, 09 March 2010
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Was I Just an Emotional Crutch?
So I've thought long and hard whether I wanted to post this on here, but after it all I've decided to get Datingish's advice with a long story short.
I met a girl online, and we started emailing each other for two weeks, then it progressed to text. The texting got to an every day/hour occasion, and eventually we met up. We had dinner on our second "date", and it lasted from 7:30pm - 12:30am. The restaurant closed at 11:00pm, and we were standing outside in the cold parking lot just talking about random things. I tried to get her into her car, because it was so cold (we drove separately), but she kept refusing by sparking up a new subject to talk about. We had such a connection, and I knew it from that date alone. We were able to talk about anything. The next day I told her I had a nice time, and she said she did too. The texting continued every day after until a few weeks later she started gearing up for a mini vacation. She works a lot, so she was excited to go on vacation. I knew she was going to be busy, so I understood.
Almost every night she would text me when she got home since she worked really late into the morning, and I wanted to make sure she made it home ok. One night I didnt get the text, so I texted her to make sure she was ok. She didnt respond. The next day she didnt text me, and I didnt text her until around 10 at night. Still no response. The next morning she finally replies, "sorry, it skipped my mind". I guess I should have taken that as one of the signs. Another thing that got under my skin was how she would keep telling me "next time?" when I would ask her out. I dont think I was too forward by asking her out, but more than often I would get the "next time". She kept showing interest in going out with me, but kept giving me the "next time" line. We made plans to go out Xmas Day, and I asked if she was still available to go, she told me that she would be spending it with her mom, which is completely understandable, but then she gives me the "next time?" line. So I told her it's cool, and she started to ask me why I said that. I didnt want it turning into a big deal so I brushed it off, and told her not to keep pressing on it. I just became so sick of hearing the next time line.
So I need to know, what the hell happened? Was I being used? We've ceased communication since then, and I dont think I'll ever talk to her again, I just wonder what happened so I can avoid something like this from happening again.
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- From: DeathzDezign@xanga
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Comments (25)
She could be giving you the "next time" line because she really means it. Another thing might be that she's waiting for you to chase her. But it's also possible that she may not be looking for a serious relationship with you. It's sad to think about, but if she's not giving you the time of day maybe it's time to move on. Find someone who wants to take time out of their day to be with you.
just confront her about it.
You have fallen into a common trap. Consider yourself fortunate that (a) it happened quickly, (b) you more or less saw this comming (c) were able to get away drama-free.
Since I do not know this girl, nor am I a behaivioral psychologist, or clinical psychotherapist, I can only offer you an over-generalized "guess" based on my own experience. You were used. Probably not maliciously, or deliberately, but I've seen girls like this over the years that jump from guy-friend to guy-friend until they find the next boyfriend which is often without warning to the guy-friends.
Based on my own experience with women over the years I've noticed that there are many out there that simply don't or can't develop any kind of real friendship with other women like they can with men. The reasons for this have varied dramatically but I have come to the conclusion that these women should be avoided as potential relationship material as a general rule. Hmmmm, I think I have a new topic for my next blog!
Sorry about what happened and I wish you luck brother!
i've done this to someone. without bad intentions. without any intentions of "leading him on" or "using him" at all. maybe you were just an emotional crutch. i think the person i did this to was my crutch. i'm sorry. but hey, it just wasn't meant to be. things happen and life goes on :)
maybe she met someone else or moved on?
@xsuicidalxinsomniacx@xanga - It seems that even if she were confronted, she may not be as direct with a response as the OP would prefer. I say that because she didn't outright tell him why she was distancing herself, and kept leading him on in that respect, however unintentional.
And to the OP - if someone wants to be with you, and they're worth it, they won't play games. She sounds like she was, whether she was doing it with malicious intent or not, and I would venture to say that she wasn't... BUT. Move on. Keep that advice. You were making it clear that you wanted to talk to her, to know her, and she had to have seen that. I've gone through the same situation and it took me entirely too long to fully realize that I was being dicked around.
You deserve to be with someone who won't play games, that's that.
This reminds me of a certain guy. He only talked to me when he was lonely and would completely ignore me whenever he felt like it.
psssh she maybe playing hard to get...u never know what goes on in the female brain nowadays
I think the girl is using you because she only needs you when she's bored or lonely. I think it's time to move on. Don't waste your time on her. Good luck.
haha thanks for the input guys...I actually submitted this entry about 4 months ago, and needless to say I stopped contacting her. She really wasn't worth the effort, and sadly there are people out there that use other people in such instances (intentional or not). Hopefully if someone is in the same situation I was in, they'll learn from my experience.
She's just that not into you...
I think she's taken but found you interesting. or maybe she's not physically attracted to you.
i wouldn't say so far as 'using' you.. but i just think that she's not that interested in you and don't know how to deal with saying "No i don't really want to meet up with u.."
she probably lost interest..
@alice_eigailia@xanga - Yup, I agree completely.
Maybe she met someone she was more interested in... (I know that sounds mean). I've unintentionally done that. I met someone I liked and got along with really well, but there was no real spark, then I met someone new who I wasn't sure of, but there was a spark, and because I wasn't officially with either one, I tried to see where one of them was going before I made a final decision. She might be feeling the situation out right now and probably did like you, but wasn't sure where it was going. But be happy she is doing it now instead of pretending to really like you and leading you on/using you. .
bah, she's leading you on.
she met someone else.. she doesnt want to hurt your feelings thats why she keeps giving you the next time line.. she is hoping that you would get the hint that she doesn't want anything more than friendship from u. However, Im pretty sure that she likes you as a friend and if you made it clear that you wanted to hang out as "friends" then im pretty sure she wont feed you the "next time" line. Next time a girl comes up with an excuse to why she cant hang out more than twice, then take that as a sign that she isnt interested in a romantic relationship with you. Because if a girl really wanted to hang out, she would def make time out of her scheduele to.
yep, she played you. It's happened way too many times to me.
what actually happened? she had you where she wanted you, and just pulled away. Not to say she didn't like you, they "like" you for some time, but people don't like to be honest and didnt want to say anything to you because she didnt want to hurt your feelings.
when in fact, she hurts you more by not saying anything; not allowing you to get closure and having you post on datingish about what-ifs. -personal experience
it sucks but when you get tired enough of it, it will stop. If you have to question this, then you're not tired of it yet. it happens basically the same way, and if it doesnt seem right in the beginning, then you should take this as a red flag. that "skipped my mind" shit, was a HUGE red flag...
us girls are odd creatures. There could be a million explanations to why she kept blowing you off.
1) She could feel it getting serious, and did not feel completely comfortable with the idea of a relationship.
2) She may have actually had plans.
3) maybe something happened on her vacation that she felt guilty about when she was somewhat seeing you.
4) maybe she met someone else.
I told you girls were complicated. Same thing happened to me just a while ago. Went from talking every hour to not talking at all. Some people just do not have that connection.
she got bored or changed her mind.. I'm sorry, it happens
I think she likes the attention from you. Maybe she's not ready for a relationship yet, but she does want to keep you around because you could potentially be a boyfriend. :/
possible she saw you as a friend, enjoyed the company and realized you were looking for more than she wanted to offer. so she chickened out of saying I'm not interested and just let it drift.
Also, consider what she may have been going through.
I actually just went through this story, oddly, and it ended maybe a week ago. I met a guy at a party. We clicked, hit it off real well. Had a lot to talk about. I found a comfort in him I can't really explain. Then my boyfriend of 2 years, who i was living with, dumped me. He met me as my relationship started to fall apart, i met him the day his fell apart. Ironic? We both were out of a relationship, hurting and broken in our own way.
And he was totally there in every supportive way.
I have many guy friends, so my automatic assumption when a guy starts to get close and wants to be my friend is, lets be friends! As well as the fact that i had been in a relationship for a long time and no one really tried to put a move on me cause they knew that (no one who was respectable at least).
So we talked a lot, texted everyday, morning and night. He helped me move on from texting the ex, he listened to me tell my heart broken tales of sadness. He was funny too. We both revealed our ideals and past to each other, etc.
and slowly but surely he starts asking if I will come over and cuddle, get a little physical, just to keep him company. I told him I had honestly no intention of this, I was really looking for a friend. I was/am completely torn over the break up. I didn't even want to think about kissing anyone without wanting to throw up and cry about my ex. Him just being there to talk to made my life better. I also had a lot of excuses when it came to hanging out. It really was nothing personal to him, I barely get to see my friends who I absolutely love and adore. I saw him once a week which was actually a lot for me. School, work and the gym are my life.
Eventually I get the point across and he tells me I will put you in the friends zone. And he starts telling me about random girls he is dating and i thought this is really great, how mature. he is going to move on and not curse me out.
A week later he calls me and starts telling me to come over again and then flips out that i won't. Says all he wanted was a rebound and if i can't do that then he has no use for me and good bye.
It sucked. I mean, I wasn't attached to the guy, I'll move on from it.
It just made me more uncomfortable with any kind of caring relationship than when i started. Getting dumped was bad enough..
so yea, consider her end.
And maybe you were an emotional crutch. I'm sure you have done it to someone at some point.
Isn't that was our friends are there for? "get by with a little bit of help from my friends"
honestly (1) you probably read way too much into your time together, making it something it wasn't. and (2) she probably lost interest (if she ever had any to begin with) and was doing what she could to push you away.
Pretty obvious signs. Not the nicest things to do but she probably just wasn't that into you.
yes, she def used you as an emotional crutch.. be lucky that it happened so quickly. when it happened to me, just recently,.. the girl in question had been building me up for about 3 - 4 months.. would say one thing & then do another.. most times the opposite. it's sad, but in the end, i realized that since i allowed it to happen, there was no one else to blame but myself for falling for it. the episode also suggests that there is some form of mental disorder either in one or both of you. we are conditioned to react as we have been treated in the past... blah blah blah.. i could going but why? when it happened to me, i was already going through a rough patch in my life & the whole experience kinda pushed me over the edge. it's already quite nice to write about it right now.. makes me feel better. my reaction to it was to 'go to the zoo'.. it wasn't fun & i feel for you brother .. you'll be ok. just remember what ck louis says... (paraphrasing, of course).."boys f**k things up,... girls, are F**KED up... see the difference there?? boys will steal your car, or rip your arm off & throw it in the river, but they won't mess with who you as a human being.. whereas, girls will ruin your life & S**T INSIDE YOUR HEART" ^_^ so,,, yeah.. take care..
You may have over-communicated. Girls do often develop feelings for guys they can communicate with, but doing it too much a sure way to get rejected. Too much self analysis comes from communication with a potential mate. It feels like there's pressure where there shouldn't be. Positive thoughts of what you have in common turn into negative thoughts of "I hope he likes me." Finally, when one or both people turn self conscious, the relationship either becomes platonic or ends like yours did. It goes from being fun to miserable.
The most important thing is to keep self-respect and your priorities and always be mysterious. I almost lost a great job and did lose a promotion over a girl at work for the same thing you've asked about. Never again.