I have a big problem with guys who proclaim themselves as "
nice".
Do you know what my problem is? The problem with a lot of "nice guys" is the fact that they victimize themselves. They convince themselves that the reason for their futility is the fact that they've been so good to their female counterparts. They believe that the only thing that a woman wants is the jerk who will make them feel bad about themselves, thus making them "put out".
This is not so.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but the definition of nice isn't how much of a pushover you are. Want to know what a "nice guy" is? It's a guy who knows exactly what he wants, but is not willing to devalue his own morals to achieve it. It's a guy who knows that he must in fact take a firm stand once in a while, because sugarcoating it could essentially hurt more than it helps.
It's a guy who knows enough to know that the only variable in the equation is him. So again, correct me if I'm wrong, but the definition of nice isn't how much of a pushover you are. It's about how much you
genuinely care.
What's your definition of a nice guy?
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Comments (91)
Hah, I wrote on this awhile back.
Thank you. ^_^I think that a good person knows that everyone changes.
I talked to a young Xanga female this morning we were talking about something totally unrelated but she seemed really sad and so I asked her what was up and she said pretty much what you just said. "The nice guys don't try hard enough. They think that the very fact that they have declared themselves to be nice means that women should fall at their feet and worship." He's used to being a pushover and to having pushy women pursue him. She's a great girl, clean cut, well educated, very available, career woman and though she normally doesn't pursue men she told me about all she's done to make clear her interest in him and frankly I think she has a bit of a point. While this Mr nice guy is oblivious to the fact that just being nice and expecting her to do all the work in the relationship while keeping his real desires to himself for fear of "hurting her" he is also screwing up his chance at an amazing girl. Mr. not so nice is calling her three times a day, sending her funny poems and telling her everything about her that he thinks is wonderful. Sometimes his suggestions are a bit rude or off color but at least he seems alive. Mr not so nice is not afraid one little bit to tell her he wants her and even though she has a feeling Mr. nice guy might be the better choice she is tired of trying to even get him to admit that he is interested in her at all. I have a feeling if Mr. nice guy doesn't wake up quickly he will soon be blogging about another nice girl who chose a jerk. What he doesn't see is that he's working so hard at being nice that he has turned into the jerk. OK, rant over.
I agree with your explanation here but the "nice guys" try too hard and are way too serious. If they are nice by your definition and make life more about having fun then being a nice guy, they'd have a relationship. They aren't hard to find. Its just finding a good one and making it last.
Holy shit can we get off this topic. Nice guys don't finish last. Lazy, shy guys finish last. There. All set. No more discussion. Game over.
@mcmeister89@mancouch - Agreed.
I agree with nearly everything you said. But nice guys who care and don't bend over backwards and twist themselves into a pretzel don't get anywhere with women. I am a nice guy. I don't finish at all. This article implies that it's because I won't take initiative to act like an ass by going to bars, clubs and parties to get drunk, laid, lap-dances, go to strip clubs and everything else of the sort. A man not interested in slug brained activities is not interested in women who find those guys attractive, which pretty much leaves him to be a lonely hermit.
Edit: Exceptions do exist, but are rare.
@jasonwl@xanga - By saying that, you're implying that all woman enjoy taking part in slug-brained activities.
@Shy___Away@xanga - No. Only that all men that women find attractive do.
@jasonwl@xanga - you are an idiot. Its your piss poor attitude that people don't like and you go for the wrong people. Get a hobby and make life about having fun and stop being so bent on being bad or nice or anything just figure out who you want to be and be that person through and through. If you aren't happy then change something. Do what makes you happy and just stop complaining.
It's okay to be a nice guy. Just don't be a pussy when the time calls for balls.
I swear, the same 10 topics get recycled on datingish constantly.
@crim077@xanga - It's not a matter of what one does. The fact of the matter is that when sound reasoning meets genuine emotion, even when not overly obtrusive, it will nearly always creep women out. Given the success rate of disingenuous persons pretending to care, how is it possible for one who genuinely cares to have confidence enough in the other person's judgment to even try? My attitude is correct. The flaws are in the most ubiquitous perceptions.
i don't agree. nice guys do try hard but because they're not the guy girls want to date or have fun with while dating, they're the last guy we pick when we're looking for serious relationships or something long term that we would bring home to our parents to meet. well, at least that's what i did.
@jasonwl@xanga - no matter how you try to portray yourself you can't hide your idiocy. You are rationalizing your victimization, not rising to just another obstacle or barrier within yourself. You like many others prefer to place the blame on other people when your attitude is one of having been defeated before even showing the effort.
@mewithoutu77@xanga - I will not ever be interested in a woman who has or has had that attitude.
Based on your definition, you're talking about a guy that is assertive, confident, and independent. Fine traits to be sure but when us guys say "nice guys finish last", we are talking about the guys that are habitualy supportive, in touch with their emotions, chivalrous, and attentive with complete dissregard for their own wants, needs, feelings. We've all known guys like this. Girls, these are the guys that you either keep as a "guy friend", or run from because they are needy, clingy, co-dependent, have "issues" or are just plain psycho.
They are who we are talking about when we talk about "nice guys" and yes... they really DO finish last!
@jasonwl@xanga - lol...you're so far from a nice guy.
@crim077@xanga - Whatever you say. My interests are not what you expect. Unless you take seriously my words. And not as how you, and others, try to redefine them.
@naikaidiver@xanga - Thank you!
@mewithoutu77@xanga - You expect to sleep around and still get the guy who wasn't interested in that before settling down? A nice guy is required to be okay with that? Actually I'm not surprised. I've been getting pretty much that exact message since I was twelve.
Some clarification: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pi6meD_bU3c
Re: J
Decent and nice are subtly different characteristics.
@jasonwl@xanga - no, i'm not a whore and i don't sleep around, i'm just not interested in men who claim to be nice guys but put everyone else down. to be honest, the nice men that i've had the chance to get to know didn't finish last, they were genuinely nice and they had a good attitude.
@mewithoutu77@xanga - Look at what drives it. Knowing a person is more about reading their motives than their actions and words. And no you cannot directly read their motives from their actions or their words; or even their outward attitude.
@Parsimony@xanga - Thanks for that link. It pretty much agrees with what I already have in mind. But what attracts women, even as described in that video, are attributes that naturally contradict what they say they want. A man cannot be anything like a macho alpha male if he's highly intelligent, compassionate and empathetic. Those are opposing traits, nobody can exist that contains the first and all three of the latter. It would be just as easy to freeze hydrogen with liquid tungsten as it would be to find an exception.