Tuesday, 09 March 2010
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Ridiculously Compatible... But Just As Friends
Ok, I have a dilemma I'd never thought I'd have.
My best friend is a guy that Ive grown really attached to over the last year or so in college. We went to the same high school, hung out with the same crowd, have the same guy that we look up to and consider our best friend. He's the definition of a loner to a degree, and trying to break out of his shell. We laugh about silly shit, make stupid jokes, and basically are the same person in different bodies. It's amazing. Literally, this kid is probably one of the best friends I've ever had.
Thing is, is he likes me for more than a best friend.
Hes seen me go through my breakup with my first and only boyfriend, who I dated for 3 and a half years, and still have a complicated relationship with. We are on really good terms, but the emotions are still attached. I told B that I didn't want to be his girlfriend (he and I don't like the idea of dating for some reason). I told him he deserves someone better, who could love him in all the ways he needs. I'm just not sexually attracted to him. I've told him everything is there, except that. (I probably shouldn't have, but I never can seem to keep my mouth shut around my best friends so...). I told him many times. It's just we are so ridiculously compatible in every other way.
Hes 6'7" and I'm around 5'11", we listen to the same music, watch the same shows, have the same ideas on relationships, joke about the same stupid shit. He's broke down a few times because he can't handle it, or let his emotions override his brain. It just hurts me that I'm hurting him. I refuse to let him settle for anything less than, well his best friend who also wants to f*** his brains out. Not to mention, I don't even want to kiss him. Plain and simple, I love him, but not in love with him the way he wants.
Can a girl and a guy, even if they are ridiculously compatible, still be best friends, or am I just being selfish because I just want friendship?
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- From: JuliaGodricCaesar@xanga
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Comments (75)
It's possible but it'll be hard to move on, since he probably thinks you're the perfect person and can have no one else. If you truly feel that way, I suggest giving him some space for him to recollect his feelings and hopefully get over you.
I have a best friend who is a girl and I felt the way this guy has as well. I think when we find someone that compatible we feel that we're meant to be. The person we feel closest to seems like the best fit for a mate. I do think really compatible guys and girls can be friends, but at times the thought might strike. I just nod it off because I seem to fall for every girl I'm really compatible with so just waiting for the one I truly see myself having a long term relationship with.
i was in love with a girl, my best friend, for over 17 years. about three years ago i finally told her how i felt. though, the situation was different than yours because my confession to her was more me letting her go than anything else. i knew that she didn't feel the same way about me. this was the only thing i kept from her and i decided it was time that i was completely honest with her. today, she's happily married (it'll be a year in June). and you know what? i'm really happy for her. i believe that being in love with someone means that you put their happiness above your own. if i wasn't the person that could make her happy in that way, then i didn't want to be the one that was holding her back. if this friend of yours understands love in any way, maybe he'll be able to do the same. it's not easy, though. believe me. the hardest thing i've ever had to do was go to her wedding and tell her: "i'll never be anything but happy for you." truer words were never spoken but they felt like knives coming out of my mouth. good luck to you and your friend. i am wishing both of you well.
Story of my life. My best friend in the world randomly confessed his undying love for me. And told me that if I didn't love him back he didn't ever want to talk to me again. I told him I love him but like a brother. We didn't speak for months, we are just now getting back to being friends but it feels really estranged and basically sucks. It will never be the same as it was, which really makes me sad, but that's life I guess.
@freeeker@xanga - two of my guy best friends did the same thing to me recently. it reallllly sucks. im sticking to all girl friends from now on.
I think you should give him a sympathy fannyrub. Just saying.
http://plentymorefishoutofwater.blogspot.com/ - dating blog
Well, you need to feel the chemistry and attraction, otherwise all that is pretty meaningless.
Part of me says don't push it, and try to ignore it. I had the same issue with my best dude friend (except vice versa >__>) We also dated, though... Nonetheless, he's a master at ignoring anything romantic, so I've accepted it.
The other part of me says try it -- you never know what might spark. If you've got everything going besides sexual chemistry on your part, it's entirely possible it'll come in due time.
Do whatever feels right to you.
Exact same situation, just 7 years in the making. It's freaky how much me and my friend are alike, but she's always supportive where everyone else isn't. I'd thought I'd give it time to die down. It didn't. Not yet, anyway. I'm not much of an emotional-ist, and I'm hoping I'm wrong: but there IS that faint possibility we could go further than a friendship taken too far, a bad breakup, and then silence. Knowing how she feels really helps, I guess.
I can defintely relate. I met this guy and we clicked instantly. We both viewed relationships the same, had a mutual interest in music, and always got each other's jokes. It didn't take long for us to become best friends. IT wasn't until he expressed that he wanted more that things became awkward between us. Because although he was cute, funny, tall, and smart, I just wasn't sexual attracted to him. I couldn't even see myself kissing him. lol weird huh? but it seemed that me+him as a couple would make so much sense but I knew I couldnt force feelings that I knew were not there. Long story short, he became offended/mad/jealouss/obnoxious/rude to me from his bruised ego that we pretty much stopped talking altogether. I get a call/text from him sometimes but it never turns out good. I thought I was being selfish for not giving him a chance, but i knew that he would just end up getting hurt at then end. I just learned that I cannot make everyone happy and that I cannot expect our friendship to remain the same either
I'm on the other end of this. The chemistry physically was there though. We tried a relationship, but now he wants to be friends and I still love him. I don't know how to just be friends anymore. It looks like our relationship ruined everything and I will have no more best friend. This kind of heart break is the worst.
A guy and a girl could never JUST be friends. Someone will eventually catch feelings if they haven't already.
I have been through that (being the guy). For me, because I was constantly with this girl (my best friend), I never dated anybody else. What you need to do is: 1. Find yourself a new date, and 2. Find him a date. You need to stop spending too much time with each other and move on. Of course, you can still be best friends, but just have someone important besides that person.
"I told him he deserves someone better, who could love him in all the
ways he needs. I'm just not sexually attracted to him. I've told him
everything is there, except that."
Man, if anyone ever bitches about "looks aren't that important", I'm going to cite this article. This guy is essentially EVERYTHING YOU WANT, except his looks. I'm not ragging on you though, this is totally human, I wouldn't date someone I'm not attracted to either. It just catches me as funny that this guy could be SO perfect and as much as you want to tell him things like "You deserve someone better" it really just comes down to "I don't like your face".
Anyways, if this dude likes you legitimately, there's not a whole lot you can do to make him stop unfortunately. So you're kind of SOL. Tell him that it's his decision, but that he should know he doesn't stand a chance with you. Of course, you can phrase it differently.
Four words:
When Harry Met Sally
@mcmeister89@mancouch - Its sad but its true. I feel like a selfish whore.
You're not being selfish, if the attraction isn't there, it isn't. It isn't fair to yourself or him if you go into a relationship and have to force yourself to have feelings. Dating your best friend is a huge risk, and it could either be complete perfection, or it could be a end of a great friendship. I say this from personal experience. In high school, I dated my best friend. We also had a lot in common, and we could talk for hours about anything and everything. In the end, I broke up with him, because I knew for awhile that there was just none of that physical chemistry. Maybe over time you'll develop feelings, but for now, just listen to what your heart and mind is telling you.
yes you can
you are not being selfish what so ever
selfish would be to go along with his"attraction" and start dating, then at the end getting tired of it because you didn't like him in the 1st place
and you break up with him and leave him heartbroken.
that's selfish
@JuliaGodricCaesar@xanga -
... no. Would you want to date someone who felt repulsed every time they had to kiss you? The answer is no, and if you happened to say yes then you ought to get checked out.
Right now, I'm stuck between my two best friends. One that loves me, that I'm not as attracted to as I want, and that I get along with extremely well. The other one we have the same morals, hes ridiculously cute.Hes on the rebound but doesnt want to date me just as a rebound. Ive been chasing after for him 2 years, and he is best friends with both me and the first guy.
This happened over the span of 72 hours. I got my two best friends in 3 days. Im so completely everywhere....
@freebirdxox@xanga - You'll probably end up with a closet lesbian female friend who comes onto you too.
It's not selfish to not want a relationship with your friend. It is selfish of your friend if he presses on it even after you've told him that you're not attracted to him. He can try to become physically attractive to you, never know sometimes a new style, hairdo, swagger can change someone from eh to wow. But in general just tell him you want to stay best friends and nothing else. If he really is your good friend he'll try to make that work if not it's sad but you probably lost a good friend.
@JusticeCho@xanga - at least with my girl friends i know that they are interested in other people and not me, seeing as they are always seeing people ! ive liked a girl before. i wouldnt call myself bi, labels are so dumb, but i can say that i dont like any of my girl friends in that way . lol if they came onto me i would treat them the same way i would if one of my dude friends liked me.
It really takes time for the emotions involved to go away before a friendship will be possible again between the two of you. Sometimes, this may not happen for years - or it may never happen and one party ends up suppressing the pain in order to maintain the friendship. It really depends on the people involved and how mature they are about it. The problem is that platonic friendships usually cannot exist between a guy and a girl just because of the opposite gender condition. If you did all the things you did with your best friend but you best friend is a girl, there wouldn't be a problem. There are too many grey areas when it comes to friendship between people of the opposite sex. In my opinion, the best thing to do is to spend some time apart (as he already clearly knows how you feel).
P.S. Your feelings may change, you never know.
That happened with me and my best guy friend of 4 years. He liked me for the longest time and I could NEVER see it happen. But I always thought he was cute so that wasn't an issue. We dated for 2 months and weren't compatible as lovers! We went 4 years as friends, without arguments, but these past 2 months we've argued more than ever. It just didn't work... Make sure you're totally sure you'd never want to have him as more than a friend though. I understand the non-attraction thing though. It's either there or it's not.
Its possible. Girls can be friend with guys and just be like that i have a handful and we are open to talk about that. Even if one catches "feelings" you are still friends. Ive been friends with the same guys one since birth and the other since the 5th grade and were in college now and we've never had feelings for each other, we are like each others family.