Monday, 08 March 2010
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When Honesty Meets Hottie
Honesty, trust, communication: Hallmarks of a healthy relationship, right? But just how honest should you be with your lover? Of course you have to be honest about the important stuff — especially if it puts the other person at risk, like sexual matters.But should you tell your sweetie that you have the hots for his friends? In the 15 years Rob and I were married, I can’t say we ever talked about that. Well, he knew I had a thing for George Clooney. He just never knew that I thought our mutual friend Evan was oh-so-doable, or that my girlfriend Rachel’s husband appeared in at least one of my sexual fantasies. Of course, I didn’t know which of my friends Rob lusted after, either.
But after Rob and I divorced and I started dating, I was thrust into a whole new world of honesty.
Sean and I had been dating each other for about two months when my friend Lisa threw a big party. It seemed the perfect time to introduce him to my friends. It was a wonderful party, full of laughter and conversation and dancing, and everyone loved Sean. The feeling was mutual, but in a warped way.
“So, what did you think of my girlfriends?” I purred to Sean later that night as we snuggled in my bed.
“Your friends are great and they’re so hot, but, oh my god, the lips on Sara ...”
And then for what seemed like the rest of the night, Sean went on and on and on about Sara, her lips, where he’d want to put them and other assorted activities he’d like to pursue with her. I’d like to say all that steamy pillow talk was a turn-on, but it was beginning to feel a little weird. I started off the night thinking, “Love me, love my girlfriends,” but it was ending up more like, “Love me, love my girlfriends, but love me more!” But Sean wasn’t the first of my beaus to lust after my girlfriends.
I had been seeing Ryan for about a month. Jennifer and I were hiking around the Headlands one Saturday afternoon and thought we’d stop by a local restaurant to get a bite and a beer. Ryan happens to live close by. “Hey,” Jennifer said. “Didn’t you say Ryan lives around here? Why don’t you call him and ask him to join us? I’d love to meet him. Maybe he has a cute friend.” I wasn’t so sure that it was a good thing. Although I liked Ryan a lot, there were a few red flags. I just wasn’t sure how long we were going to last. But even more important that that, he was the first “relationship” I had since my divorce, and I was nervous. None of my friends knew me with any other man beside Rob. What if Jennifer or my other friends didn’t like him? It never even occurred to me that not only would he like all my girlfriends, but that he wanted to sleep with any one or all of them, preferably a few at a time, with or without me.
That wasn’t the reason I dumped him, but within a month, he was gone.
So when Sean shared his fantasy about Sara, I knew just what to do; I decided to send him an e-mail:
“I believe people come into your life for a reason. Sometimes it’s for a lifetime, sometimes it’s for a brief time, sometimes they are conduits to connect you to someone else. Maybe we met so that I could introduce you to Sara. I suppose it’s time for you to indulge yourself in your fantasy, and maybe you will one day help me out with one of mine. Here’s her cell number.”
The phone call came within an hour. I could barely make out what he was saying, though, because he was laughing so hard.
“Of all your e-mails to me, that one ... that was classic!”
“Hmm, I’m happy you find such joy and entertainment in my angst. But I’m serious, you know.”
“Really? You really expect that I’m going to call Sara up and say, what? ‘Hi Sara. This may seem a bit bizarre but Kat gave me your cell because she thinks you and I should hook up because I told her I think you’re so hot and we would have unbelievable sex.’ Something like that?”
I could feel his smirk over the phone. “You’re mocking me,” I said, a bit miffed.
“Kat, just because I have a fantasy doesn’t mean I’m going to act on it, you know. We’ve both talked about how much we value honesty. If you want communication, it has to be OK to talk about the uncomfortable stuff, too. Right?”
I had to agree; He was right. I do want honesty and communication, not only with my lover but with my friends. Isn’t that what everyone wants? And if that meant I felt some pangs of jealousy, that would be open to discussion as well. So, now I have honesty and a rather unexpected something else. Turns out evoking the image of Sara’s plump lips is one of the best aphrodisiacs I’ve got going with Sean!
How much honesty do you want?
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About the Author
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- From: KatWilder@momaroo
- Name: KatWilder
- About Me: I am the middle-aged divorced mom of a teen who blogs about single moms, parenting, dating, midlife, divorce, relationships, sex and life at http://katwilder.com/
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Comments (40)
I have a total honesty policy - unless I'm in with a sniff of some nookie and think it might ruin my chances. Seriously though - everyone says they want honesty but no one truly does.
http://plentymorefishoutofwater.blogspot.com/ - dating blog
Eh... I want complete honesty, but the stuff doesn't have to be horribly explicit.
In your case, I'd be okay with him mentioning that he found her and her lips attractive. If it became that night's sole topic of conversation, that would bother me.
My SO is going to find other people attractive. I will, too. But talking about it at length is likely just going to make one of us feel inadequate.
And I wouldn't use the image of someone else we knew to turn my SO on, unless I was attracted to the person as well. Otherwise, that'd be awkward for me. o.o;
hm. All of it, but more so...i want a guy who's not like that. they do exist.
complete and utter oppenness. it's what i have now, and what i will continue to have for the rest of my life.
My husband and I don't discuss it. If we do, we talk about celebrities and no one we know. But we never go into detail. If it makes you uncomfortable, tell him to be honest but stop at the fantasies.
i generally dont voice my opinions on other girls hotness unless my SO asked me... i donno, it just seems courteous to me
....not okay with me.
My boyfriend (thankfully) never talks about other girls. I want COMPLETE honesty and if he goes into that much detail about how he thinks one of my friends is hot, then it's bye bye to him. I mean if he's like, "Yeah, she's pretty," I mean, that's cool, no big deal, but nothing like, "Oh yeah she's so hot, I'd like to f*ck her!" That is just disrespectful.
There ARE guys who only have eyes for one person..
A lot of honesty but I am a very jealous girlfriend even though I don't act on it all the time,and I tend to hold grudges =/ ..I need to work on that.
My boyfriend also doesn't ever talk about girls, or pay them too much mind so I don't think he has any fantasies with anyone close to me, or any other girl period for that matter. He knows I will do whatever
Nicely written by the way!
@HollowTendencies@xanga - exactly.. we always agree on everything lmao.
@l0veBabyx@xanga - I know right! lol
Props that you have a guy like Sean on your side. Your email to him nearly broke my heart, haha, but glad to see things came out better than that.
How much honesty would I want? As much honesty as I should hear/would like to hear (so, not all of it---brutal honesty CAN drive people insane).
I don't know if you should settle for someone who doesn't think you're of one of the most prettiest people to him. Sounds incredibly idealistic but I believe with love, it happens. Maybe you should find someone else who could feel that way about you? Or maybe it just doesn't exist in the real world and I have yet to realize it.
@j__mac@xanga - agreed
, with love I believe that's truly possible. There ARE still good guys out there.( Not saying she should leave Sean )
My husband and I acctually go to the strip club together and talk in detail about many women (i am bisexual too) When I get jealous, I just turn it into sexual energy, it helps, because I know he won't act on what he feel towards other women, only on my. So when I get jealous(and I never get super jealous) I use that in bed instead.
My boyfriend and I both talk about people we find attractive. Sometimes we pretend to include them when we act out our fantasies/role playing. If it ever bothers me (which it almost never does), I tell him and he stops, and vice versa. We both make sure to express our attraction for each other, too. The important thing is that we can tell the difference between fleeting lust over someone else and the genuine spark we have between us.
My boyfriend is the same way & its kind of a blessing and a curse at times. Mostly it's a blessing. However, I believe that your bf saying WHERE he would want her lips to go and such is way over the line. I wouldn't care if my boyfriend goes on and on about how sexy someone is because in all honesty, I could probably agree with him & he can do the same for me with guys even though we're both straight. But like...going into details is a little much.
I'm all for complete honesty, although I think most girls I know/been with can't handle my level of complete honesty. I mean if you ask me "Do I look ugly today?" and I think you look pretty ugly that day I'll probably say "Yeah kinda." That's from my mom raising me always making me tell her the truth cuz she abhorred dishonesty which kinda backfires in relationships but oh well. I rarely go out of my way to be a jerk about it though. I might find someone attractive but I'm not going to turn to my gf and be like "Damn she's fine.", if she asks me "So you think she's attractive?" I'll respond accordingly.
Most people can't handle the truth of the truth though, they want to be lied to (on small things like mentioned above) in order to feel better.
Yeah, not okay.
i want all honesty. my SO and i base our relationship on honesty.
uhm no. he's out the door as soon as he mentions anything about wanting to do my friend
fuck that dude.
I wouldnt want my bf going on and on about some other chick.
im too overprotective. =p
both my bf and i can appreciate the beauty of another human being; male or female. but we comment on it, and that's it. no dwelling.
i kind of flip-flop on the feeling that some things just don't need to be said because they'd only hurt and be of no consequence after the statement, except for hurting whoever the comment was said to. what's the point?
Not THAT much! that's just crossing a line. Seriously. Going on and ON about it? Works for some but not for me.
Maybe you should go on and on about some guys chiseled chest or something, see how much Sean loves all that honesty then! Not saying he wouldnt but, worth a try lol.
I want pure honesty. We'd talk about strangers or people who we think are attractive or hot and we'd point out to each other when the person we're checking out is pretty or sexy and we're both cool with it. To be honest, I don't think I'd ever have a conversation like that with any of my boyfriends not because they are being honest but because my girlfriends become sort of like their sibling. Plus I would already know if they find any of them attractive. Also, I cannot really lust after just anybody. A sexy face and body is really nothing to me. The attitude is what gets me the most.