Sunday, 07 March 2010
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Does Being Ms. Picky Get You Mr. Perfect?
"I just don't know how she does it," my friend Naomi sighed as we caught up by phone on a recent Sunday.
"She who? Does what?"
"Oh, my neighbor. I just saw her leave her house with a guy in a Mercedes. Unbelievable. She's never without a boyfriend, and the latest's always richer than the last one."
"Well, she's obviously got something going on. Is she hot?"
"Kat, she's 80!"
"You're kidding! Well, good for her. I sure hope I'm attracting guys like that when I'm 80."
"Yeah, well, they keep dying on her. But as soon as one pops off, she's got a new one. Must be nice not to have to be so picky anymore."
"Oh, I don't know about that. Even if it's pretty slim pickings, nobody wants to be a 'nurse with a purse.' You still want to find a quality guy no matter how old you are."
"Maybe for you. Me? I think I'll be happy just to have someone to go to the movies with. At some point, having a dating checklist shouldn't matter anymore."
I guess. But maybe we shouldn't have a checklist in the first place.
It doesn't seem like we had much of a list when we first started dating back in high school; I think most of us had about two must-haves, like "must be cute" and "nice personality." Which basically means a pretty big dating pool.
It's only when we're looking to settle with Mr. Right that most of us start collecting enough requirements to rival a college course catalog -- he must have straight teeth; not spit when he talks; have all his hair; love his mom (but not too much); be emotionally available; drive a luxury car; like cats; be our best friend; know how to pleasure a woman; be somewhere between Tom Cruise and Michael Jordan in height; and be interested in talking about more than whether Ichiro was qualified to be Rookie of the Year or not. Oh yeah, and he has to be handsome, have a nice bod and earn a six-figure income.
Then online dating came along, taking our obsession with finding someone "perfect" to a new level. Now, picking out "losers" is as easy as sorting through a pile of fruit; before you even meet a guy, you can discard him for his looks, height, weight, career, eye color, favorite movie, political views, where he likes to vacation, screen name (typically some variation on SexyScorpio4U) or bad spelling.
Having a long list of must-haves almost guarantees that the only thing we'll have a lot of is dateless nights. The man our dreams doesn't exist because, you know, we dreamed him up!
But is it wrong to be a little picky? After all, why should we have to settle?
After I got divorced, I gave a lot of thought to the qualities that matter to me other than "cute" -- things like honesty, a kind heart, self-awareness, a good sense of humor. It seemed like a pretty thoughtful list to me although, honestly, don't we all think our dating checklist isn't nearly as shallow as everyone else's? Some dating experts would say that I was being smart; it's good to know what you're looking for in a partner.
But others say it's smarter to know what you're not looking for: Smoker? Boozer? Gambler? Arrogant? Bigoted? Overweight? Forget about it.
Because if someone has, say, 80 percent of what we're looking for but we're not too hot on the remaining 20 percent -- and secretly hoping he'll change, or, more likely, hoping we can change him -- well, we're not really seeing him for who and what he is. We're seeing him for who we want him to be. And that never really works too well, does it?
Still, I was wondering if Naomi was right; would we ever stop being picky? Would we really ditch the dating checklist once and for all when we're older?
Not quite. "A pulse and a good supply of Viagra," Naomi's elderly neighbor told her, laughing -- the older person's version of "cute" and "nice personality."
Still, that basically means a pretty big dating pool. Guess the young and the old have a lot more in common than we think.
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Do you have a list of must-haves or must-not-haves?
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- From: KatWilder@momaroo
- Name: KatWilder
- About Me: I am the middle-aged divorced mom of a teen who blogs about single moms, parenting, dating, midlife, divorce, relationships, sex and life at http://katwilder.com/
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Comments (66)
I had to laugh when I read she was 80 lol.
Lost of must not haves, not many must haves. Being picky is fine, I'm pretty picky. Although being picky for mr/ms perfect is pretty impossible since no one is ever really perfect. There will always be things about someone that annoys the crap out of you.
well, theres a fine line between being selective and being picky. And a lot of us girls cross it....
its only natural to want someone who is our idea of perfect but subconsciously we know nothing like that exist.
Yes, we should be picky in the sense that our mate should be of equal intelligence and attractiveness. They should be deserving to be with you and vise versa. It is not too much to ask for a sucessful, driven and ambitious partner.
It when it gets to the petty things like "he is too hairy" or "I hate the way he eats his food." that results in thousands of single and unhappy women.
being ridiculously picky will only result in you being alone. And Id rather be with someone and deal with their little quirks than be alone.
Yeah, I have requirements in a partner. Most of them are pretty basic, though.
1. He has to be in my age group. Because I'm only 18, I don't want to go too much older or younger. So nothing more than a few years older for now.
2. He can drink, but he cannot regularly, if ever, get drunk. And most drugs are a no-go.
3. I won't tolerate abuse of any kind. I also won't tolerate an SO who is overly controlling.
4. I have to find him attractive to some degree. This isn't hard, but... it does matter.
5. I have to find him intelligent.
6. We have to get along. We have to connect. I have to enjoy his company. Etc.
7. He has to be honest and loyal.
I think that's it. I might've missed something or other in there.
...this post was written by a journalist.
you go, Granny.
I dont believe in "lists", but there is a line between obsessively picky and knowing what guy is suitable to be date-worthy.
Since I'm only 21, an undergrad, and not looking for marriage anytime soon, I don't put a whole lot into a checklist. I'm fairly open-minded and look at my current situation as "swimming a couple laps in the dating pool".
I think the only thing most of the girls I've dated had in common was they were all intelligent with a genuine personality.
I'm FAR from perfect. My standards for men are low. I have a small chest. I'm short. I'm chunky. Dirty-faced. Blajdlghalskgh the list goes on. He can have the smallest wang on earth, and I wouldn't care. He doesn't have to have abs either. And he doesn't have to have a head full of hair. As long as he's trying to take care of himself. Right now, I'm interested in someone who's wayyyy out of my league. I'm in awe, because he's real nice.. and it's a wonder he's even taking time to talk with me.
I dont really look for "perfection", although my friends always tell me I am a perfectionist, therefore I look for perfection in guys too! I just want a smart, tall guy. I'm a girl and 5'9" which is really tall for a girl.. When I wear heels, I tower over 98% of the guys I pass by. So am I recaching for the stars here?
I remember talking to one of my male coworkers one night.. (when we usually don't talk seriously at all to each other, mostly jokes) but he asked me why i dont have a boyfriend. i said because i'm too picky and then i asked him if it was bad and if i should lower my standards. he told me to NEVER lower my standards and that I should never settle for less. that conversation stayed in my head ever since that night. he's right.
but.. at this point, i realise that i'm too picky (very judgemental on looks, personality, what their hobbies are, what they do on their spare time) for a person that isn't that much of a looker herself. so i should but.. idk. im stubborn.
I may picky but because I have an image in my head of the perfect guy I want but haven't yet to meet him but.....that doesn't stop me from giving others a chance and somehow they manage to disappoint me.
@sexncookies@xanga - i agree with you.
I believe we should seek what we want and not stop until we find it, but we also must be able to accept other's shortcomings and flaws. no one is going to be absolutely perfect as a human being, but they most certainly may be the most perfect love for any other given person.
I don't love everything about my boyfriend, I know he plays too many video games for an almost-21-year-old... but his base morals, ideals, and his loving and loyalty to me all completely make up for that. I went into my relationship knowing him very well, he was my best friend, so that there would be no suprises in the end... because one of the biggest lessons to learn is that you really do have to go into a relationship loving someone for who they are when you meet them, not for who you want them to be. changing someone against their will, will only end in a failed relationship.
All I'm going to say is, imagine how you would feel if a guy had a checklist like:
- Must have nice, natural boobs, no implants
- Minimal to no acne
- Never lets her hair get greasy, washes/showers everyday
- Puts on her makeup each day
- Never gets moody or emotional
- Ranks as a 7 at the very least
- No body hair except for eyebrows, lashes and hair
- Flat stomach
- Well done nails
- Fits into a size 4-6 jeans or less
- Clothes need to match
- Never farts
- Must be a virgin
etc. etc. etc.
How would you feel?
Be reasonable about what you want in a partner. It's understandable if you can't tolerate smoking, drinking, you want him to be nice with his mother (hell, guys look at girls' relationships with their fathers these days - if that's a bad one, we're on our guard), and requiring him to be well-groomed is understandable. But I see a lot of girls these days going way beyond that (wanting a good-looking, tall, rich guy).
Height is the one that bothers me the most. Honestly, if you're 5'0", or 5'4", you have no right to complain if he's 5'6". If you're 5'8", and he's just as tall as you, you can't be like "ew" and absolutely demand taller guys - when it gets THAT extreme, all you're doing is cutting off your nose to spite your face. It's your loss.
I keep my list reasonable. I don't mind if the girl in question is 10-15 pounds over the ideal weight (let's be realistic, and plus a slight amount of extra weight is attractive too if she's still groomed), but I could never tolerate someone 50-75+ lbs overweight. Agreeably, not everyone showers EVERY SINGLE DAY, but if she goes more than 2 days in a row without one, we're gonna have a problem. If she doesn't smell like anything, that's okay, but when she starts smelling bad, that's a problem. She doesn't even need to have boobs or an ass, or an 8+ face, but of course, too many pimples/crooked teeth/skewed lips/facial hair, and other deformiites, would be a turn off. And within reason, of course you can't wax/shave every single day, but don't let body hair grow rampant.
Obviously, you have to have some standards, but too high and you're being conceited/delusional, too low and you're settling/opening yourself up to someone 400+ lbs and wreaking of bad hygiene.
All I care is that she's at least average in appearance and highly intelligent, compassionate, and empathetic. Those are must-haves. The must-have-nots include being materialistic, interest in bed pleasure without assured solid relationship, consideration of taking significant risks without significant necessity, other things along those lines.
I find that women typically are irrational in judging the qualities of men when looking for Mr Right. They nearly always write off guys who have qualities (quirks?) that only a good one is likely to have. Though statistically it's impossible for a rule to apply to everyone in a group filtered by another rule. But use of those stats does allow us to narrow down who's the most likely to be compatible. But women tend to slice the pie in a way that they almost guarantee that they get the crust instead of the most nutritional part of the filling.
Who doesn't have a list?
I'm never one to talk, none of my friends think i have very good taste. But it's kinda like food in a way. would you eat something you are allergic to? No, it would kill you, if you didn't throw up. some people are insanly picky, and some would eat anything and every thing. and just like food, no one is perfect, no matter how close so, yeah, it is kinda rediculous.
1) She can't have an opinion.
2) She must lay there.
3) No farting in my presence.
4) We have to share a moment while watching 'Deliverance'.
5) If she uses too much tongue when we kiss it's over.
6) There has to be 'fireworks' when we first kiss... Whatever that means, I want it to happen... Even if the idea doesn't make any damn sense and has no actual bearing on whether I'll be happy with the person or not.
GIVE ME WHAT I WANT!
i definitely have a longer list for qualities guys can't have, but i have a list for what i want, too.
however, the natural chemistry means those lists can be tossed to the side, and it's only after the fact that they come into play (usually when it doesn't work out and i revise the list.)
i've been dating my boyfriend for a year, and i still find things about him that wouldn't have been on my list before because things just don't come up at certain ages, certain times of life, or certain lengths into the relationship.
my current bf listened to everything i said, and engaged in convos about almost all of it. a lot of stuff were things no new bf/gf would want to hear...stuff about my exes, etc. but one of my requirements that i discovered after more than a year of dating was that a guy must be able to listen to what i have to say--especially my past. i need him to know where i've been and what i've been through to understand where and who i am now.
I have a list too for myself too
my list has decreased in number since hs lol.
Not really. As long as she's got nice thighs, the ability to make good lasagne, clean ears, shiny hair, is shorter than me, is talented, and isn't going to sleep with my friends, then I'm not really fussy.
Check out my dating blog: http://plentymorefishoutofwater.blogspot.com/
Based on some of the shallow lists posted by some of you guys, it's not because of my looks or hygiene that I'm still single, which is nice to know! My mom said that I was a picky perfectionist and that was why I was still single 10 years after my divorce. I've come to realize that she is wrong after some serious soul searching. What I am is fearful to commit to someone who isn't willing to work as hard as I am when a relationship gets tough. Do I have a list? Sure, but 95% of the things on it have to do with a person's character, not their looks. I don't think it makes me picky to close someone out on eHarmony or Christian Cafe because he's willing to relocate 100+ miles away from his three kids. If he's willing to leave his kids to fulfill his own desires, wouldn't he also be willing to leave his wife to please himself? I'm not looking for someone who never makes a mistake, but someone who can say, "I screwed up," and move on from there. The truth is, I would rather be single than settle just so I wasn't alone.