I'm currently wondering about "doin' too much" to get the attention of the person you like. For example, too many phone calls, emails, or text messages to your crush. This is an important action to contemplate because in the realm of courtship (and perhaps life) balance and moderation are the keys to happiness and success. No doubt you want to put yourself on that special someone's radar and build a bond, but at the same time no one want to be put in "Creepville"- and that's exactly where doin' too much can land a hopeless romantic.
Furthermore, not only is there the issue of creepiness from doin' too much, but also there is the matter of looking too available or desperate. In the beginning of courtship ( and maybe the middle and end. I don't know) there is sometimes a pull for power. We have probably asked ourselves or our friends: "Who called who first?", "Who initiated the date?", "How many times did the person try to contact?" So when it comes to "doing too much," dis-empowerment is another layer on the topic to consider.
And finally, status of relationship between crusher and crushee are also important. If the crush is already your friend or just an acquaintance can make a big difference. Although both instances run the risk of becoming a creeper or dis-empowered from "doin' too much," I bed to argue that the threshold is different, since as a friend, you're already guaranteed more access to your crush.
So I'm just curious about other people's experiences with "doin' too much". . . Some questions to explore: have you ever done too much or had someone do too much for you? What was it about the actions that was pushing boundaries and how did you deal? Is there even a way too tell when someone is doin' too much or is every experience too individualistic to the point of too convoluted too generalize?
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Comments (14)
You're right about not looking desperate - there is no bigger turn off. Actually, this is a really astute post. The power in these early exchanges is such a big issue. Each time you initiate a text convo you lose a bit of it. I will just say though - you know you're on to something good when neither of you thinks about these things, when thoughts of 'power' don't occur to you.
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I think it is very individual - what is too much for me has often been just fine for a friend of mine. Some things, however, are often generalized to be too much - nonstop contact during a girl's or guy's night, saying i love you after a week, surprise visits to the point that they are not surprises, stalking the persons house (or even facebook page!) for any changes, etc. I think whether there is an equal amount of interest from the other person is also a factor - whenever a guy I almost dated would text me, I would groan and take my time responding because I just wasn't really into him and he texted too much, whereas when my current bf texts or calls me, no matter how much, I'm always excited, because I'm very into him and he doesn't go overboard with it.
A certain level of trust is involved, too. A lot of times when people go overboard, the reason is that they don't trust the other person, and so think that their crush is with some person of the other sex 24/7, etc.
Basically, if the crushee has his or her own life still, tries his or her best to keep their contact levels in check, and aren't available 24/7, then I think they are probably not doing too much.
doin got much....constantly calling would get annoying. it depends though. like for me, if i really enjoyed talking to the person, i wouldnt mind, as long as i wasnt at work or something ya know?
but i think over all, there is a line that can be crossed for doing waaayyy to much
i've had my fair share of doing much, yet i've also been guilty of doing too little. and it doesn't necessary have to be phone calls or text messages, it could be something you're doing during your dates. e.g. for some odd reason, being nice makes one look desperate, but hey, if that's you, that's you, at least you're being yourself. just know this, not everyone you like will like you back. and that's just how things are. it would be nice if we all got along, but that probably won't happen unless we all have a common belief (common goal, common religion, common everything). so if your crush doesn't feel the same way, just respect their decision and part with your way.
how can you tell if someone is doing too much? well, there's definitely more than one aspect to this. e.g. how often one calls, how often one initiates a conversation, how nicely one dresses to impress, how one acts toward you, how often one attempts to pay for your dinner, how...
but yeah, here's my advice, just be yourself. and as simple as you might think this is, it's not, most people are still trying to figure out who they are as a person.
good luck!
This is very true. I hate when guys message me or text me too much. It freaks me out.
There has to be a just right amount of contact and effort on their part or else I'll think they're creepy. I also never initiate contact. That's how I tell if they're really interested in me or not. If they come after me then they obviously like me. If they never do, then there's no harm done.
I'm also just kind of weird and don't ever call people or anything, so don't listen to me. haha.
It depends on where they're at in life too. For instance, my crush likes to eat lunch with me. He's a marine, is a busy student, and is sometimes off for training.. and have active duty again, someday. It's likely that he wants another friend waiting for him at home, someone to think of him while he's gone.. and maybe I'm that person he's hoping to take on that role. Therefore, he's going to appreciate having some myspace messages sent every now and then.
Now, if I get messages from someone who doesn't go off for military training and is always going to be around, it might be more appropriate for this person to not message me as often, for that person to Not expect me to write to him as often.
It totally depends on where they're at in life..imo
This one guy officially crossed the line of doing too much when he called me drunk, wanting to talk about "us." I had talked to him for two weeks max, and had seen him once. I'm still at a loss as to why he even thought there was an "us" in the first place.
I probably sit somewhere in the middle when it comes to crushes/dating people. I usually let the other person set the pace and try not to push boundaries too much, although I will tell someone to back off if they're constantly on my back.
I feel like you just need to go by gut instinct about avoiding creepiness... unless you're socially inept or awkward, then you need to ask your friends for advice. There are tons of rules that most everyone goes by.
I think some people just need to calm down and realise... you're single, not dead. You have plenty of time to find someone perfect so just calm down
makes your ass seem desperate if your tryna get my attention every damn minute and i have personal bubble/space issues... like gimme some breathing room and just chill... if i'm feeling you i'll let you know but if you're just suffocating me and calling me every damn minute of the day i'm not even tryna talk to you anymore... i'll call you when i feel like it or when i have time... it annoys me if someone is callin' me every minute to get my attention... hate clingy-ness! it's not attractive! just chill!
It's kind of freaky when a person texts, calls, or e-mails you a lot...
ive been on noth ends of this..lol
I've been on both ends of this too^^. But now I'm a really independent person, and I pride myself on this. So, what would be considered normal for some people, would be wayyyyyyy tooo much for me!!!! Unless, I really like the person.Then I wouldn't mind. But on the other hand, I very easily begin to feel suffocated. As much as I like being chased, it can't be tooo easy, or I'll get annoyed or bored.
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