I don't really have my own opinion on this issue yet, so give me everything you think on the issue.
For those of you who don't watch Glee: in the latest episode one of the students gets a crush on her teacher. Obviously this is highly inappropriate and he tries to find a way to stop it. This got me thinking.
There are three issues at hand other than the large age gap between them:
#1. She's probably underage. Obviously a huge legal problem.
#2. He's her teacher. This is separate from the age issue, because even though college students are above the legal age of consent, it is still considered inappropriate for teachers to be in a relationship with their students and they can lose their job for it.
#3. Then of course there's the fact that he's married.
Set all that aside for now. Let's say he was not her teacher, she was above the legal age of consent, and he was single. If that were the case, exactly how big an age difference is acceptable in a relationship, in your mind? 5 years? 10 years? 20 years?
Of course I know some people say "love knows no bounds," but I think we can all agree that an 18 year old and a 90 year old dating would be creepy. If you agree with that statement, you must also agree that there is some sort of limit on the age gap. If you disagree and think that's totally normal, well that's fine for you but your opinion probably won't be helpful to me as I can't imagine that to be the case. Of course, still feel free to comment.
So, how big of an age gap can there be in a relationship and why? What's the biggest age gap in any of your previous relationships?
If, for example, you think 10 years is the highest limit, would you tend to date people closer in age than that anyway?
Would you reject someone within that limit if you still think they're too old for you?
Would you perhaps date people farther in age than that, if you thought it could work?
Basically those 3 questions are asking if this is the standard you apply to yourself, others, or everyone. After all, I think it would be reasonable to say, "I think it's okay for someone to date someone 15 years older than them, but I wouldn't date anyone more than 10 years older." Am I wrong?
Any stories of friends/family/yourself dating people way older or younger that sucked? Any positive stories of friends/family/yourself dating someone way older or younger? Any specific complications you have experienced or would anticipate experiencing in a relationship with someone of a very different age?
What about the approval of others? Can negative opinions from friends or family have an impact on the quality of the relationship? Are their fears reasonable?
Be honest:
Does the gender of the people change your opinion?
Is it more acceptable for a man to be much older than the woman or vice versa?
Is there a big difference between a 23 year old dating a 18 year old and a 27 year old dating a 22 year old?
Ignoring the actual age of consent in your state/country, exactly how young could the youngest person be before you think they need to be in a relationship with someone closer in age?
Is there a big difference between an 80 year old dating a 70 year old and a 30 year old dating a 20 year old?
What if the person looks younger or older than they are?
If you wouldn't know the person was 30 unless they told you, can they date someone younger than a person who clearly appears 30?
What about someone who looks 30 but is actually 20?
Can they date someone older than their younger looking counterparts?
What if someone met someone and developed a crush on them before they learned of an age difference?
Are they exempt from being considered a creeper?
Does this "say something" about the person?
Does a guy dating a younger girl automatically mean he's just looking for easy sex, or that he's immature? Conversely, could that mean the younger person is more mature than their peers?
Is an older woman with a younger man automatically "a cougar," or could it just be something that happened? (The connotation of that term seems to suggest that she is also just looking for sex like her male counterpart.)
Two things:
#1. This is just your opinion. There's not actually a right or a wrong answer here because the question is essentially how big of an age gap you'd be comfortable with. Therefore, no being nasty and fighting with each other. Just because someone said only 5 years is an acceptable difference and your boyfriend is 6 years older than you doesn't mean you need to berate them to defend your relationship. Basically,
don't be a dick.
#2. Of course the numbers I am throwing out are not meant to be concrete. It's not as though 10 years older is acceptable but 10 years and 1 day isn't. So, when you're giving an upper limit keep in mind that it is meant to be a general estimate.
What do you think about large age gaps in relationships?
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Comments (58)
I'm gonna say that 12 years older is my personal limit. I think i'd only be willing to go a year younger than myself. This might be because I've always been attracted to older men. Friends parents, teachers, older siblings friends, etc. I know a couple that is 13 years apart, have 6 kids and are still happily in love. I don't know how after 6 years they're happily in love but i'm thinking maybe it has to do with the age gap. He is older and more mature and she is younger and needs a second leg to stand on(metaphorically, ha), in essence they're exactly what the other one needs.
lol i just posted about this exact topic asking an incredibly similar question only a few days ago.
As of right now 2 years younger is my limit - right now. I haven't dated anyone older so I can't make that judgement, but either way, I won't date them if they have kids. I dated as far as 5 years younger than me and it was retched - couldn't carry on an intellectual conversation, no trust, or concept of the meaning of a relationship. BIG mistake.
I'm not overly fussed about whether or not I date a man younger or older than me. I tend to date men that are older though. And I don't think I could date anyone less than a few months younger than me. I could date someone about 7 years older than me, and that would be the max, so that would be 26 years old. The oldest guy I've ever kissed was 26 so that's kind of where my limit comes from. My ex-boyfriend was three and a half years older than me, but I did really notice that. I was 15 when we started dating and he was 19, and a lot of people had a lot of negative things to say about the fact that I was underage. He thought that I was about 17 when he first met me, and I also thought that we looked younger (about 17 as well), and due to instant chemistry it didn't make a difference. I always wonder how it must have felt for him dating a 15 year old though. I'm 19 now, and if I were dating a 15 year old, well they wouldn't be a man, they would be a boy. So I wonder if he ever felt like he was going out with a child... I never asked him. Anyway, I was 4 months away from being 16, if that makes any difference, when we first started dating. When we first started going out it was hard because he expected a lot, but the more we fell in love the more I got used to it. Being with him forced me to grow up a lot. But we parted because he wanted to settle down, and I wasn't ready. At all.
Even now though I am generally attracted to guys who are older than me, whether it be by a few months, or years. I tend to like guys who are the same age as my ex, which is slightly worrying, because I could end up running into the same problems. But these guys are second year Uni students and some of them don't seem keen to settle down anyway.
So yeah, went slightly off on a tangent :P, my apologies, but yeah, some age gaps are weird, but if you fall in love, it's hard to judge.
My mom is 11 years older than my step-dad and my dad is 16 years older than my step-mom. It's funny how they bother went for someone much younger, but anyway, I'd say it really depends on the age of both partners. If you are 30, to me, dating someone who is 45 is fine. But if you're 15, dating someone 30.. = Not cool. I tend to like younger guys, so I'd go about 6 years younger. I don't really date older guys, but if I did, I don't think I'd go more than 5 years older. I'm pretty immature for my age so it all equals out.
i think pre-determining an age limit is kind of arbitrary. let's say i'm only gonna date somebody 5 years older than me. what happens when a great guy that's 6 years older comes along? am i gonna reject him because he was born 1 year too early? :/
I'm sticking to the "love knows no bounds" argument. Love is love, and everyone is different at every age. If I love someone and they love me, I couldn't care less about their age. I have a tendency to lean towards guys who are older than me, sometimes significantly older. My parents are 16 years apart.
I think this also changes based on your own age. If you're 19 or 20 and you have a bad experience dating younger, take a look at who you're dating! People are definitely individuals, but how many 15 year olds will be prepared to make a relationship and a pure commitment out of the bond you feel?
I had a crush on a 59-year-old when I was 21. And my best female friend slept with a 63 year old when she was 27. Apparently he was amazing (and I saw him - he did look young for his age).
http://plentymorefishoutofwater.blogspot.com/ - dating blog
I've always heard you should never date anyone younger than 1/2 your age + 7 years. So an 18 year old shouldn't date anyone younger than 16, etc. I think it makes decent sense.
Age gaps are a much bigger deal when you're younger. 18 and 30? Big difference! 30 and 42? Not so much. It's more about where you are in life, and when you're in your late teens/early twenties, you're going through a lot, and it's harder to deal with big age gaps. Just my opinion. My husband's 3 years older than me- we started dating when I was 17. We're now 20 and 23 and that works fine.Personally, I won't date people more than 6-7 years older than me and I will not date anyone more than a year younger than me. The guy I'm currently dating is a little over 4 years older than me (I turned 21 in January, he will be turning 25 in April) and that's the biggest age gap I've attempted so far.
It's not as if I don't find much older or younger men attractive; it's just a comfort thing. I'd rather be with someone fractionally older than someone much younger/older because I feel like they would be more capable of giving me the things I want out a of a relationship, namely stability, love, trust, loyalty, and children.
Um, it usually has to do with psychological distance and understandings in a relationship. What kind'of goals do both people have for each other and their world? This eternal dating things is weird because the whole point of being in a relationship-married to financially support each other for offspring or to move out of their parents home after a set age. The two seem to go closely together in our society.
Trapped forever in a cycle of worthless relationships that are held together by elementary glue, easy to unbind and for no purpose other than a good time and a few bucks. Why not just get a street corner?
I'm like dating a rock, so most of my relationships don't work out because I don't like the drama that keeps people attached or much of anything, and I don't talk much and wander off in my own thoughts. Plus, I'm an isolated person and always have been so I don't have the same reference point as others, goals or anythign really. They attempt to box me for various agendas with various things of weirdness. I'm getting circumsized because I do not like the way that I am manipulated.
I have a lot of older guys hit on me because I am grungy and look younger than I am, so I attract moderate pedophiles, but since I'm 22, it's not illegal. They still think it is. Hm.
As for the teacher-student thing, it probably has more to do with the dominant monkey syndrome, so it won't work out after the charm is gone. I don't usually talk face-to-face with my male teachers because I'm paranoid.
I'll be accused of anything, so I usually try to control the lies to a moderate degree. I have been defamed so many times. It's unreal. I can't even have crushes on people who don't exist save in a book without someone pulling some odd moral argument on me for them. It's not like Lestat and I are ever going to hook up, I promise.
i personally don't care... 'cuz i prefer not to date anyone a decade or two older than me that's just too much for me... the oldest i'll go is 3 years and the youngest would be a few months younger than me or 1 year younger and that's it! any younger i'd be committing a crime... to me i think it's the generation gap... if i date someone 10 or 20 years older than me we'd have A LOT issues 'cuz i wouldn't be able to live up to their expectations of being a mature person or what have you not... but hey if people prefer to date someone a decade or two older than go for it... it ain't my life... i think it's just odd and weird...
@AnonymousBlonde@xanga - "It's not as if I don't find much older or
younger men attractive; it's just a comfort thing. I'd rather be with
someone fractionally older than someone much younger/older because I
feel like they would be more capable of giving me the things I want out
a of a relationship, namely stability, love, trust, loyalty, and
children."
Perfectly stated. <3
"Is there a big difference between a 23 year old dating a 18 year old and a 27 year old dating a 22 year old?"
It's never really about the number, but moreso the maturity of each person and how similar their lives are (i.e. 18, you're just entering college, and you're going to lead a very tumultuous lifestyle, whereas at 23, you'll either be just graduating and settling into a career or you'll be entering graduate school which requires a heavy amount of time and dedication).
i think it's also all about the maturity level of each individual...sure, they should be legal, but once you get past that, age is a number. if you'be found someone who fits you and listens to you and shares what you love in life, and they happen to be 5, 10, 20 years older, who cares....some peopl are stuck on the image of it all though...what does society say when i'm out with my SO who happens to be 20 years older/younger than i am?...but if you can get past that and not care what other people think, then i think you have something no matter what the age gap.
my current (male) is 15 years younger then me. we almost never notice the age gap
i would go for about 15 years older. i'm kinda seeing this guy who is 13 years older, so it all works out. i've always just been attracted to older guys, but they seem to be getting older...
when it comes to younger guys though, it won't really work, but i'll go for a couple of months. that's it really. i just like knowing that i'm younger. haha. it's weird.
i just find the square root of half of my age and then add it to my age and thats the oldest i go, because i just think its right and there wont be too much of generation difference
I'm attracted to much older, like 5+. I've only dated someone a couple months younger than me, but I would prefer someone much older. They just... have it together. Conversely, though I guess that means I have no idea why they'd be interested in me, age 19. I'm mature for my age, but I certainly don't have it together either.
I wouldnt go over 15 years....If you are old enought o be my mother or father...then no
I've always been attracted to older men. My current boyfriend is five years older than me. It was a problem when we were 14 and 19, but now that I'm 17 and he's 22 (and we live together) the hype has calmed down. Amongst my overprotective friends, they gave him a horrible reputation and so we often refrained from telling people eachother's ages just to avoid the drama and speculation. But my boyfriend is not a pedophile, and we developed crushes on eachother long before he knew my age. I don't think that age difference is a big deal, unless it involves minors. And in that case parental approval should be needed for sexual interaction. My mom has always adored my boyfriend, so she kind of accepted that he would be in my life for a long time, and then we didn't act like most couples of my age at the time...but yeah. Good post. Sometimes people still make a big deal of, "OH WAIT she's only seventeen?!" but for the most part people just accept it. People don't even know how old I am most of the time until it gets brought up. They just think I'm in my early twenties/really late teens by the way I carry myself and act.
:)
My Dad was 10 years older than my Mom. He was in his 30's, she in her 20's when they met. Now, if he had been 18, and she 8, that would have been creepy.......
I've been attracted to someone 8 years older so far.
i prefer men from 0-6 years older than me and i'll even date a guy born the same year as me, but not anymore. i just find that if they're too old, we wont have anything in common, which i found to be pretty true.