I grew up in a very religious household that valued sex as a meaningful act of love for those who were married. Naturally, when I was young, I decided (or was spoon fed to decide) that I was going to save myself for marriage.
Well, that didn't last long. I dove into my first serious relationship in high school. Inexplicable feelings and emotions overwhelmed me. In my naive state and mind, I thought he was the one. We did everything together and we connected on so many different levels. Mental, emotional.....physical. We both entered the phase of the relationship where we truly knew that we loved each other.
During this entire time, my mother did not disprove of the relationship, but feared that we might be getting too intimate at such a young age. At times she would sit me down and express her concerns. Although I wanted to make her happy, I had already decided that if I was going to have sex, I would do it with someone I was in love with.
For me, sex is the ultimate physical expression of love. When two people who care about each other become one...well, many of you know what happens. We had sex not only to make ourselves happy but the other person happy.
My boyfriend and I continued the relationship up until I got to college. When we broke it off, I was left with a yearning for affection and intimacy. However, sex had taken a completely different form. I had a friend with benefits and although I enjoyed his company and the sex was great, I felt like I was somehow being jipped. I can only assume that I felt that way due to my previous attitude towards sex. Now, sex was more about self-pleasure and lust. The special intimacy that was shared was short-lived and left with my friend as he walked out of the room.
However, I am not ashamed of my sexual past. I do not regret my first time because I did it with someone I absolutely loved and loved me back. I also do not regret what I had with my friend. I enjoyed it while it lasted even though my attitude towards sex was different. Yet, I do prefer the former than the latter.
What does sex mean to you?
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Comments (74)
I'm not sure yet. Oral actually seems more intimate to me than vaginal sex. =X
But I'm the type of person who hates people who look down on others for leading different lifestyles. Not saving yourself for marriage is NOT IN ANY WAY morally worse than saving yourself for marriage. Sex means something different to everyone and just because one person has and wants less of it does not mean that he/she's better than everyone else. It's okay to save yourself for marriage or to have sex before marrying as long as you're not hurting anyone including yourself, and you're safe of course.
This is my favorite topic, period. It's so complex and every bit worth discussing. So when people reduce it to pithy concepts like "it's whatever makes you feel good" and "there's no moral difference between waiting and not waiting," I like to ask them the following questions:
You believe that sex is the ultimate expression of love, which is good. Because it definitely is. But do you believe in marriage? Do you believe it signifies a singular, lifelong commitment? That no other relationship can compare in terms of permanence and deepness? If not, feel free to disregard the remaining questions.
Next, do you understand body language? Did you know that over 75% of our communication is non-verbal? Would you believe someone if they said they loved you while holding a loaded pistol to your head? An extreme example, but don't we all prefer verbal and non-verbal messages to match up?
Now back to marriage. If you believe that marriage is the ultimate relationship, are marriage vows not the verbal expression of that new, unprecedented union? Obviously. Now the tricky part. If you've already engaged in the ultimate non-verbal expression of love, what is there left to celebrate with your new verbal expression of love?
In other words, you'd have an unprecedented verbal commitment without an unprecedented non-verbal commitment. The verbal and non-verbal don't match up. That's just a tiny part of the reason behind waiting for sex. If you're interested in learning the rest, which will honestly change your life forever, check out something called the Theology of the Body by Christopher West. If you like what you had before, just wait til you learn this. :) Peace.
Overall, I think that as long as a person is okay with what his or her actions and isn't hurting anyone, it is not immoral to lead any type of sexual lifestyle.
I believe that I will be keeping sexual acts largely confined to romantic relationships. Yeah, I'm open to threesomes and whatnot, but I prefer to only have sex in the company of a lover. This is partially because I do put something of a value on sexual relations, and partially because, for me, putting myself in a sexual position entails trusting myself to someone else, and I'm not willing to do that unless the person has proven that he (or she) cares about me otherwise.
I'm okay with the idea of having multiple partners in my lifetime, but I want every one to mean something more than someone I'm using or being used by for physical pleasure.
I completely agree with you when you say that there's nothing with having sex with someone you love and care about and you know they love and care about you back despite the fact you guys aren't married. Sex isn't about walking down the aisle, vowing to be with each other forever, a big fancy reception, it's about sharing a deep, physical, initmate connection with someone you truly love. At least that's what it means to me anyways. Don't get me wrong, I respect those who can wait and save themselves for marriage and I can only imagine how difficult it would be to calm your raging hormones when all you want to do is hump the person right next to you. But at the same time I don't believe having pre-marital sex should be frowned upon because just like relationships don't always last nor do marriages.
I prefer sex w/ someone I'm in love with and committed to, however, I have had a very close friend of mine as a friend with benefits. It last a couple visits home from college at times when we happened to both be single, but I wouldn't do that again...at least not with the way I feel about life and myself now. I have changed a lot and even though I enjoyed my intimate experiences with my good friends, it was good while it lasted basically... & that's it.
i don't believe that sex has any inherent meaning. it's whatever we want it to be. if you have certain expectations, have them because that's honestly what YOU want... not your parents, friends, or religion. a lot of conservative Christians i know have told me that, if the Bible didn't say this or that, they still would wait until marriage. i respect that a lot more than,
"God told me to say no."
sex is whatever you choose to make of it. i don't place stock in any extrinsic value that "society" or religion chooses to thrust upon it.
i've been in your shoes, i've had casual and then romantic sex and it does mean two very different things. casual meant that it was just to feed the need of sex but in an intimate setting, sex means it's a bond between two people who care about each other.
its means pleasure
and not love
but something you do when in love
I have a very alternative lifestyle, so I'm sure this will probably earn me a lot of criticism.
For me, sex is just sex. Even though I'm only 19, I can say honestly that I have had sex over 1000 times already. I had a live-in boyfriend for 3 years. I can say with out a doubt that sex is just sex. It's a biological function that makes me happy.
Personally, I would almost call myself a sex addict. If I had an addictive personality I would be one, at least. I use sex to make myself feel better when I'm sad. Nothing cures a funk like a good orgasm! Hah, but seriously, for me it no longer has meaning. I don't know that it ever really did.
It CAN have meaning, though. I have found that it only has meaning if you GIVE it the meaning though. There's a difference between "making love" and "fucking". When you "make love" it has meaning, because you really care about the other person.
I'm completely fucked in the head when it comes to sexual relations though. For God's sake, I'm a pro-domme, lol. So don't listen to me. I know sex SHOULD be meaningful, but to me it's not. =D
Sex is personal to me. A representation of the entwinement of souls: i.e. love. I could never do it just to do it.
Sex is something fun, cheap (if you stay legal), and completely risk free if you do it right. Sort of like bungee jumping or skydiving. The flip side is if you mess up, you're creating a new life instead of ending your own. Well ok, maybe your social and financial life may end, but yeah.
That being said, sex is the closest you can be PHYSICALLY with someone. Emotional connection is vastly different. You can build a strong emotional connection with someone without sex, that's not hard. So, if I'm not looking for an emotional connection, just sex is fine. Of course, I'm not going to have sex with someone if I ONLY find them physically attractive, there has to be some chemistry between personalities as well.
Some people can't differentiate the two, which I can understand. I'm not one of them though.
@my_horizon@xanga - My boyfriend thinks oral is also more intimate.
Anyway, I've only been with him so far and it looks like he'll be my only one for a long time if not forever. To me, it also means a way to express love and so if I had to do it with just a friend, I'd also feel like there's the lack of love.
i am much of the same frame of mind as you, it is the total feeling and to have "casual" sex is just that, just a biological release and with no feelings. thus i do not have casual sex and i must have some sort of feelings about the woman to engage in sex. it is the intimate connection that i have to feel. i am giving myself to her as she is to me. and yes i have had sex with prostitutes and it was with no feeling. just going through the motions for a realease. i was not fully staisfied.
You say you did 'everything' together - I'd like more details please.
http://plentymorefishoutofwater.blogspot.com/ - dating blog
I was also "spoon fed" to believe in waiting for marriage, but my attitude about it has changed. I'm still a virgin, but I know if I'm in a relationship where we both love each other, and have been together for awhile, I wouldn't be against having sex. It is a very meaningful thing to me, I wouldn't do it with just anyone.
orgasm
Ha, so you became a whore once you came to college. Society and its people are so unclean. When the End Of Days comes, none of you will be spared from the wrath of the Great Lord Satan.
I had sex without love. Have yet to do it while in love. I bet it's amazing.
Sex hasn't really been about feelings for me, primarily because my first experiences with it weren't...uh...wanted. Kinda trivialized it for me. Now I'm with a guy I love, and we had sex before we were in love. We just liked sex. But now that we are in love, I can kinda see sex as intimate. Uh...but I also like it a little rough sooooo that kind of takes the lovey-dovey emotion out of it, haha XP
There are different ways to have sex. There's fucking, which is what most people do, just for pleasure and whatever. Making love is what you're talking about. There was a third but I fail to remember it for now, ha. Fucking is meaningless, usually, but making love is what you said.
i think sex is purely for pleasure (okay, it's really for making babies, but these days that's a choice). having said that, i think sex is definitely better with someone you love and who loves you back. but... i don't think it's the ultimate physical expression of love. sure, we have sex because we love it or because we love the person we're having sex with, but there are other sweeter ways to show affection physically. kisses, hugs, holding hands, soft caresses. they may seem really innocent and prudish, but i think sex is very carnal and animalistic, and you certainly don't have to be in love to have sex. see what i mean?
these days, i don't think sex is even seen as an affectionate thing. it's just something we all do.
@solidsnake8462@xanga - Same here. :/
i think that people dont put enough mean in the act of sex-or any physical type of relationship at all. i madeout with three random guys before i ever kissed anyone i actually cared about-and it was a completely different experience kissing a guy that (at the moment of being nearly sixteen and completely nieve.) i thought i was in love with. this is such a tiny tiney example compared to sex.
i gave my verginity to my first real serious boyfriend after six months of dating, and i cant fathom ever having sex with anyone else ever. its such a special experience and creates such an intimate connection between two people, i do can not comprehend how someone could sleep around like no-big-deal.
now i dont want you to get the idea that im insulting you or calling you a slut/whore/hoe in anyway. i actually completely understand that longing for intimacy. the one time a week i see my boyfriend (long distance relationship) we pretty much do one thing-have sex. and if anything were to happen that we broke up, i know i would do the exact same thing you did, knowing that it wouldnt be the same. you arent alone in feeling the 'need' for sex. if thats what you want to call it. as girls we like to be close.
"Now, sex was more about self-pleasure and lust."
I like how you state that it is the present but then use the past tense.