Most everyone knows I have been raped by my ex boyfriend. One of the hardest things and nothing prepares you for the battle that lies ahead is having sex again. I pretty much waited until I was married and that was 3 years after the attacks happened. Even then I was scared to death-scared because I had and still have triggers, triggers when I get dressed, try to sleep at night, or anything. So, conquering sex was the next hurdle especially for someone getting married, sex is one of the things that go along with it-at least in most relationships.
I first talked it over with my future husband, he was the only one at the time who knew I was raped, and I wanted him to realize that sometimes sex cannot happen because I couldn't even think about it without the memory of the guy who raped me. He was understanding knowing what a rape victim goes through, I think his thorough knowledge of Law and Order SVU helped and because he is a very understanding man, who helped me conquer my demons and made me realize it wasn't my fault.
Even still, just talking about it doesn't prepare you for when a trigger hits-because it could just be a touch of his hand on my arm-and then your reeling in a panic attack trying to figure out why it happened. Other times it could be in the middle of the act itself, and I yelled "stop" and he obliged and stopped held me close until the fear subsided and then waited a while before resuming. It is the most irritating and frustrating thing because you want to have sex you want it, but you can't because your body refuses to cooperate.
Part of it, is understanding that the rape is never ever your fault even though you feel like it is-its not. You didn't make it happen, you didn't want to happen and he took something away from you, that you as a person can never get back. Once you understand that, when a trigger hits, it makes it easier to cope and deal with it. Having sex with someone you love and care about after the rape makes it easier. Also, putting it out of your mind and trying to move on with your life helps with the reaction panic attack.
Another reason, make sure your comfortable with the person your going to have sex with-and you know 100% sure they will not hurt you and they will understand when you need to stop, even if you don't remember telling him to stop and leave you alone. Its all a matter of time, everyone is different on moving on and coping. I never ever went to a therapist to talk it out, I did most of the moving on myself, and even now I wish I would have talked to someone about it and even now I might eventually because I want closure on the event.
Just remember sex is a very personal, intimate thing between you and another person, rape takes away the intimacy and replaces it with fear and hatred. Wait to have sex until your completely 100% sure your ready before even attempting sex and make sure that you know the person your having sex with, that he knows what happened and that he can help you move on with your life and make sex an intimate personal thing again. Sex after rape is possible, its just a matter of healing and time to recover.
*no one was tagged in this because I wanted this to be available for anyone and everyone who is a survivor of rape or any other sexual crime, and I didn't want to single anyone out*
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Comments (38)
You are so strong.
Thank you for sharing your advice and experience with us in the cyberworld.
I can only imagine how difficult life after a situation like that is, but you've made some good points and gave some good advice. That not only rape victims could take, but us as people in general. I think it eludes a good portion of us the importance of the relationship between yourself and a person when it comes to sex because now it's becoming the equivalent of a hug. It is only until you are forced into a situation like yours that you begin to see things in a different light. Tell your husband I applaude him for being strong enough to ride out this storm with you.
I would have to believe that after being raped, a rape victim would have to have the sweet november scenario going on to have sex again.
this very brave and wise of you to post.
when i was 11, i was molested [not raped though] by someone i trusted with my whole life. i didn't tell anyone about til a year later and it tore my family apart. but i never felt like it was my fault. even at that young age, i knew it was HIS fault, HE was the bad one, not me. but because of it, i still have trust issues today and probably will the rest of my life.
you are a truly strong woman for overcoming and conquering what happened to you. and i admire you for that.
Strength is one of your great aspects.
Thank you for subscribing!
Peace and Love
Kady
Never having been raped, I don't have much perspective on this, but...
Can I just say that, even though I don't know you, I'm proud of you?
You're inspirational to me. I haven't been raped, but I was molested in basically every way except sex, so I feel like I can relate to you alot. It's so nice to see someone who's able to fight through and manage to move on with her life without letting the past haunt her.
You're so strong and I admire you for it! :)
*claps* for you.
I was raped over a year ago. It's really hard to be able to have sex sometimes.
I'm in love with my fiance now and although my body desires sex, sometimes my mind gets in the way and I have panic attacks and flashbacks. It's frustrating sometimes.
It gets easier though. With my fiance there, it's been easier to deal with flashbacks. He helps me through everything.
i'd give you a standing ovation if you were presenting this.
I had nearly the opposite reaction you did. Sadly, I had a lot of mental health issues so the occasional flashback didn't really prevent me from having sex. Instead the rape made me feel like I deserved to continue to be treated in a negative way and all that I was good for was sex. I fell into a cycle of abusive relationships.
Even though you've struggled with flashbacks and I would suggest therapy, I think you've done the right thing. It really is important to wait to have sex with the right person who you love and trust.
Beth,
Thank you for posting this. I know that this took courage to express this traumatic event that took place in your past. And I say this personally experiencing this same situation. I have never told anyone until now..I know what its like to feel the way that you do. Your not alone. In the same way and story. But personally I've always thought to myself that I could never be loved by anyone and I'm still struggling with that idea. You know? But I'm trying..so this post gave me hope. Yes, I can relate to the flashes and poignant memories but I know that forgiveness is key not only for the attacker. But you must forgive yourself. Which I know that will be the breakthrough in this memory that haunts and suffocates. You have been blessed with an awesome husband and I pray that your relationship will be strengthened and that you will be encouraged as the woman of God that you are! You are a Jewl & a daughter of the Most High (and anyone who is reading this)
Much love,
Grace
@moon_on_a_string@xanga Ditto to everything you said.
You are very strong and brave and I'm sure you'll help someone who really needs it with this post
even though this has never happened to me, i m still proud of you :D
I'm curious, how were you raped by your ex-boyfriend? That is, what were the events that led up to the rape?
I was raped when I was young, multiple times. By a family member. I never blamed myself and I thought I was safe from the flash backs. Now after having my daughter, certain things trigger it. If my husband comes up behind me while I'm falling asleep on my side and tries to ignitiate sex. Certain positions. Etc. Not always..but sometimes.
@TomTea - whoa insensitive much? why do you need to know that anyway?
To the poster: You are strong, amazing, and your husband sounds wonderful. I am sure therapy will only continue to make you stronger in this, although you have coped very well without it:)
I wish nothing like this ever happened. Alas, for various reasons, sometimes it does. You show great spirit, a tender heart, and resolve in moving on like this. God bless you and your husband.
My question, and this comes from something that I read elsewhere recently. Is that if the intention of the perpertrator was not to kill, and if life was not in danger during the assault, is every rape victim a rape "survivor"?
@Peppermint__Kisses@xanga - Well, if one is told of the aftermath of something, then logical curiosty will suggest they might want to know about what led to this event, what the circumstances were. This is a deeply personal and very intimate post to begin with...I do not think it is insensitive that that question is asked.
@TomTea - that's not the point. you big dork.
@TomTea - if you want to add me on Xanga I can send you a personal message about it :)
@Peppermint__Kisses@xanga - It's not about being insensitive. It's a legitimate question. I'm curious about what exactly took place that led up to the rape. I don't care about the details of the actual rape that took place. If you thought that, then you, my friend, need to go back and read my statement again. Often times than not, rape victims become victims because of poor choice and not thinking about the consequences of their actions. For instance, certain red flags that was glaringly obvious and that should have gone off but was ignored because one was in the "heat of the moment" so to speak. Rape doesn't just happen "out of the blue" for your information. There is usually a motive or a cause--things said or things done that "led" up to the rape. That is what I want to know. In short, details around the circumstance is what I want to know.
Arguing that this person was raped and that I shouldn't be asking such sensitive questions is avoiding the problem. You're basically saying that since this is rape, we shouldn't be talking about the rape. Instead, we should have a group therapy session right here on Xanga to help her cope. I'm saying that the point isn't about whether she needs help with coping. She clearly states that she can cope through her own will power and help from those who are close to her. The point is how to prevent this from happening again to herself and to others, and how one can potentially go about coping after a rape.
Hence the question, what are the details that led up to the rape?
I was raped. More than once by my ex. I thought I loved him. I didn't want to do it.
I coped fine. With my current boyfriend, he just waited until I wanted to have sex.
You are so brave and strong! It is so good to hear your story. It is so very encouraging to hear, and . Recently being raped and broken an engagement, it is good to know that good things do happen. But I would highly recommend therapy. Whether it is a pastor or someone close to you, just make sure it is someone who has a good understanding of everything and an encouraging person. Thanks again so much for posting! It is a great encouragement.