Wednesday, 03 March 2010
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The Non-Date Date
I'm always reluctant to go on dates. I can’t help it. Sometime in 2009, hell froze over in the middle of my chest. This sort of natural disaster is hard to overcome, so when some dude - who I know well enough to know I’m not interested in - ambushes me at a party, I blow him off, (n)icily.
Apparently, undeterred, he facebooks me and after some long, albeit sweet gibberish about pretty much nothing, he writes this: “Get coffee with me. Strictly as friends.”
Ahhh, I’ve heard of this tactic. The non-date date. All the face time, half the commitment. No way am I falling for this, except, falling for it, I agree to go.
Now I’m trying to backpedal. The thing about the non-date date is that, as presented, you feel guilty saying no. I mean, only bitches don’t like coffee. Or, more pointedly, friends. Still, smooth move aside, I’m not into dating (or non-dating) men that I’m, well, not into. I just don’t see the point. My best friend, Nora, who is currently dating several guys she’s only mildly interested in, gives me a speech about "being open-minded" and "the year of yes" and "you never know" and "blah blah blah," until, clearly in need of a new approach, she sputters. “Do it for the stories, Jeanine! The stories!”
I’m sold on this argument until my other friend, Laura, points out something I haven’t thought of. “Coffee, huh?” She says with a smirk. “That means you’ve got to do this sober.”
Damn.
Suggestions for how to gracefully and (n)icily un-date my non-date (which is, supposedly, Thursday) are now welcome and, apparently, necessary.
How do I get out of this without seeming like I am making a big deal out of nothing? Or should I suck it up and go?
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- From: jeanine
- Name: jeanine
- About Me: writer, reader, blogger, dog lover, foodie, floater, figuring the rest out
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Comments (33)
Just go. He said as friends.
Delete him off Facebook and hope you never see him again? That's what I'd do. If that doesn't suit, tell him you've started seeing someone and don't think it'd be fair to meet even as friends.
Check out my dating blog: http://plentymorefishoutofwater.blogspot.com/
Go. Frankly, you have half the power in determining how the conversation and the date as a whole goes down. Stay clear of flirty banter and all that. This should be pretty easy considering you don't actually like him. Let him know subtly that you don't really see anything happening with him. Basically, be polite, but not overly nice receptive.
Plus, this could be good practice for you with the whole dating reluctance. Learning opportunity, just look at it that way.
i WOULD do it strictly for the stories. lol but that's me.
Just go and act like he's not interested and neither are you. Be friendly but not flirty. He said it himself and shouldn't expect more, and he he does and is let down, it's his own fault.
I'd go... just make it painfully obvious that it's just a friend date... not a real date date. I've made many guy friends in that manner.
Or just go and be so obnoxious that he's not attracted to you anymore. I did that once. I went to an italian restaurant with a guy and proceeded to eat my spaghetti in the most disgusting way I possibly could. We're still friends to this day. =)
Bring a friend if you don't want it to be a non-date... Honestly, if you're not interested in being friends or being his gf, then you really have no reason to go at all. It's time better spent with someone you at least enjoy the company of.
This is why I only make friends with girls in a group context instead of one-on-one -- so there there's no misunderstanding. It's almost like... I should just go out and say, "Hey, I like you but I don't want to date you?"
If you're not interested in him either romantically or as a friend, make this clear so that he can just move on and not feel lead on. Even when trying to be a friend, I don't think a one-on-one meeting is the right way to go about it.
Also:
It should be NO guy-secret that guys make friends with a group of girls sometimes as a placeholder to find out later if they are interested in them. It's so much easier to get a girl when they sort of know you and you know her friends -- so that she's less on-guard when a guy goes in for the kill.
It's to avoid reactions just like the one the OP has. Ouch, did I just attempt to give a dating strat out?
i'll go, provided that currently he's not evaluated as 'disgusting' in my eyes.
making friends doesn't hurt, right?
this "as friends" bullshit is ... well, bullshit. he's been badgering you for a while for a "date" then asks you to go for coffee as just friends. yeah, right.
just say you changed your mind. no biggie. if he keeps pressing it, then you actually have a reason to be a bitch about it lol.
idk. i go to places to get coffee and stuff with my friends who are girls all the time. doesnt mean im asking them on a date. at least, i dont think so xD
"I mean, only bitches don’t like coffee."
Best. Line. Ever.
@xXDC_luyouXx - it works, same reason why it's just easier to make friends through friends.
for those who want to know how it works, here's how it works. actually, on second thought, i don't think this information should be easily accessible. i definitely don't want girls to befriends with weird awkward people. no offense, but it's just one less problem for them. and in no way do i think i'm a hero for not telling, i just don't want to be the blame for the problems.
but yeah, my advice would be to go but invite your friends to watch from afar, maybe he's not that bad, who knows, but if he turns out to be, signal and your friends could call your cell and rescue you from him. just simply say, "oh hey, i gotta go, my friend needs me"
Personally, I'd go. See how things turn out and then let him know that nothing's going to happen. Unless, however, you don't feel comfortable being alone with him. Then just straight out tell him that you don't want to go and that you don't feel comfortable. But word it in a way that's more suited for you. It may work. It may not. If he hasn't gotten the hint that you don't like him (really don't know how many times he's done this to you), then let him learn the hard way. Stand him up. It's a bitch move. But he might get the hint.
@atmaster@xanga - i totally agree
Just go.
@kawasaki_saiyan@xanga - Go ahead and spill it. I bet they're probably PUA techniques.
hahaha! I LOVE this post!
I say just go for it. Like your friend said, you never know (:
I'd say, go. There are worse things than a non-date. Besides, you might even enjoy yourself.. No pressure.
OR, bring a friend whom he might be interested in..and tell him ahead of time you will do this. Suggest he bring a friend with him, too..
just suck it up and go, you'll never know if you don't try it out.
can't a guy and a girl hang out WITHOUT a girl assuming that the guy is after one thing? geez don't flatter yourself.
Call a few hours beforehand and ask if you can bring some friends. He can't say no cuz it's just as friends and if he says yes, you'll all be in a group.
i don't see what the big deal is. it's just coffee. a guy friend of mine and i used to get coffee like twice a week. it wasn't a "date"; we both just liked coffee talk.
dont go. you know what he wants and its not friendship. guys do that shit all the time. then you start pitying and hanging out with them occasionally, and thats when they start reading into things. then you have to put them down hard. then they call you a bitch and say that you lead them on. when the whole time you were just being nice and trying not to hurt their feelings. fuck that. if youre not into him, why waste your time as well as his?? being nice is overrated.