There have been several posts lately on the subject of rape. For instance, Datingish has posted "
Sex After Being Raped" and "
Are Rape Victims Really Innocent Victims?", the latter of which made me want to say a few things.
There was a relationship book I read a few years ago that stated each individual in the communication process was 100% responsible for making sure the communication was achieved successfully and without misinterpretation, miscommunication, or error. I agree with the idea, in fact, I believe it applies to verbal and non-verbal communication. However, the world is not so simple, is it?
For instance, let's say the purest 16 yr. old beauty out of the church choir dressed up like a hooker and stood out on a corner in downtown. Who is responsible for the non-verbal communication radiating out from that little female's frame? She is responsible for dressing that way, yes, but because she lived a sheltered life and doesn't actually know how the representation she has given the world is/will be perceived… is it really her fault or the fault of those who raised her?
Now, that last sentence could potentially lead us down a very convoluted road, so I'm going to re-direct the discussion back over this way, that's right, over here, come on, right here, and theeeere we go. Back on track: rape, communication and personal responsibility.
If a person decides to dress in such a way that they are aware gives the representation of something other than what they are, they are misrepresenting themselves or, in other words, lying. One of the glitches in this scenario is the people who do not realize the non-verbal messages they are sending. People will make assumptions about those they see based on appearance, environment, etc. and the less they know about a person the more they are willing to assume on a general basis.
No matter what the assumption, no matter how many mixed signals or even positive signals sent out, if someone says no, that means NO. Rape, by
definition is to "force (someone) to have sex against their will". I do not see how it is possible to partake in such an act as sex and not be aware that your partner is unwilling, it is unfathomable. Rape is more often about control than anything else. How one is dressed suggests a likelihood of success ratio more than anything else. It is the spirit that is being dominated, not the closet. Dressing provocatively may indeed encourage men to think dirty thoughts. If an individual makes the choice to take what they want regardless of the feelings of the others it is still a choice he is consciously making and is responsible for, regardless of the clothing involved.
Frankly, when I throw on my little black dress for a dinner date with my husband, I don't think about making other men want me, I am only thinking about my husband. I'm sorry if a man's mind starts wandering down a low-lit hallway when I walk by, but he can reign his thoughts in and focus on something else, he has the capability.
This idea that women who dress-less than some religious old prude are asking to be raped is ridiculous. If a woman has stood in front of you gents, stripped down to her birthday suit and states, look but don't touch. You don't get to touch. That's it. No more. Who cares if she was just on top of your lap. That's all you get now. Too bad, so sad. I'm not saying it's fair, I actually think it's a gross misrepresentation of intentions on the woman's part and it should not have occurred.
Lastly, I want to make something ABUNDANTLY clear. I realize I have used a great deal of language suggesting men as the wrong-doers and women as the victims but that is NOT the way it always is. Men are raped by women, women are raped by men, men are raped by men and women are raped by women. Each gender is both victim and criminal in this issue.
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Comments (42)
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Once again, 100% agreed!
This is extremely well written. I agree with you completely. When it comes down to it, no means no, and those who violate it are the ones who are at fault.
Yes, we can argue causality, but beyond that the one who acts on their temptation is the one at fault.
I remember when I was at school a police officer came to give us a talk on the issue of rape. She said, 'People who say women who dress provocatively are asking to be raped are ridiculous. Some people get turned on by my uniform. Does it mean I shouldn't be wearing it?'
You're right. period.
Yes!!
high five.
Thank you for writing this. There are too many nutbags out there saying that some (even some is too many) rape victims are responsible for the rape. NO VICTIM IS RESPONSIBLE FOR WHAT SOMEONE ELSE DOES TO THEM. PERIOD!
Excellent post. This needs to be said, again and again until it sinks in. No means no. Their is no excuse for rape. Like you say, a girl should be able to stand her birthday suit, smile and say no, and it still means no.
i also think this was well-written, but i want to add something.
in about 70% of rape cases, the woman (and i know i want to be sensitive, but it usually happens to us more often than not) knows the person who rapes her. that means it's a classmate. a friend of a friend. your friend's roommate. hell, maybe even your boyfriend or husband (this is much more likely than not, ladies. and it's a sad, sad fact). so we can leave that whole, "you show your legs, you make men want you and decide to rape you" argument back in the cave where it belongs. men are not these irrational, uncontrollable sexual beings. we know this from the healthy sexual relationships we have. for every guy that decides to force himself on some girl he knows, there is a sweet boyfriend who stops because his partner is uncomfortable, or changes her mind, or is in pain. the point is, it's a conscious decision. you decide to push for what you want. next women are going to be told to stop wearing sexy heels because it turns a man with foot fetish on, and might make him rape her. the issue of wardrobe is a double-bind that lets men avoid their responsibility in the situation and maintain the status quo-that women deserve the abuse and oppressive behavior they endure-because it's their fault. right?
the fact is, if we dress conservatively, men think we're prudish-or lesbian. and if we wear that little black dress for a night on the town, we're sluts who are asking to be raped. clothes don't make a man rape a woman. even teasing and frustrating a man sexually don't make him rape her. what makes a man rape a woman is his conscious decision to ignore her when she says no, or stop, or indicates that she doesn't want to have sex with him-and he continues and pushes and pressures anyway. it is a choice. men are not barbarians. they are creatures with functional brains that work just like women's, who can make rational decisions for themselves, and choose at times to make horrifically barbarian decisions. let's call this what it is, please. men are not slaves to their hormones, and are not left as unwilling participants when their dick gets hard. forcing yourself on a woman is a choice. you either make it or you don't. because many men go home unsatisfied, and their partner or friend doesn't wind up pressing charges. because he thought better.
in my experience, it makes more sense to think about what "role" the woman played in it happening. whether she didn't say no loud enough, or maybe she agreed to have sex with her boyfriend to begin with but he forced her after she asked him to stop, whatever...it's not to say that she just lay there entirely passive, or "let it happen," but it also doesn't make her solely responsible for the fact that it happened. it would be beneficial for men and women to learn how to communicate with each other so misunderstandings or mistakes or missteps don't happen.
but to say a woman asks to be raped depending on what she wears is like telling someone who got mugged that they're responsible because the car they were walking to in the dark lot was a nice one, or because they had an iPhone in their hand (indicating they have money and would be a good person to hit up). that person's car, their dress, their carrying their phone in their hand instead of it being concealed "influenced" the fact that the mugging occurred to them as opposed to someone else. or at all. but it does NOT place the blame on them. the blame still rests on the mugger. and thus we should not be blaming the victims of sexual assault or dating violence. though they were in the room when it happened, it does not remove the blame from the person who perpetrated abuse and, in all likelihood, broke the law.
i really get sick of this "victim-blaming" culture we have. it's a little ridiculous anymore. people (men and women alike) need to realize that their own need for control does not justify hurting another person. done. simple as that. i don't get what's so hard about it...
Pffft we all know that no, really means yes.
I am confused, people are or are not responsible for non-verbal communication? We are or are not responsible for the situations we wind up in (sans random person pulling someone off a street and raping them or any child scenario). I think it is hard to distinguish the multitude of rape scenarios to one answer. Rape is wrong no disagreement, none, zilch, nada, nente, nine, nyet. I don't want anyone to beat themselves up over a horrific thing like rape, but isn't it also a very powerful learning experience? Frick I know that sounds terrible, still is there no responsibility? Was there any level of arrogance that went into a person being in a situation that they should have known they were over-matched physically? We have to accept and know that the world is a bad place at times, and women do have some duty to protect ourselves by using their intellect. It is the same responsibility placed men (we aren't animals) for not trying to rape a girl (you are not idiots) that is dress to kill (provacatively). Forget (don't even want to think about it, its that awful to me) every other scenario but when someone in a relationship or out at club puts themselves willingly in a situation where the are out numbered or over-matched. Are they asking to be raped NO-NO-NO, should they have been in the situation in the first place? I know some of you are gonna hate this, I am sorry but I have to ask. I am asking about an accute situation that the consequence is beyond cruel and unusual. I do apologize for my curiousity.
I totally agree and am so happy you wrote this.
We had a similar heated argument in my Women's Studies class where a girl decided to say that "if a girl dressed like a whore she deserved it". I was furious and I was trying to hold myself back because while you are right and both genders can be victims and the wrong do-ers, a girl can't be blamed for getting raped just because she wore a short skirt or a tight shirt. So I told the girl in class about how once I decided to wear a skirt and tights and a shirt that was not tight, but fitted and since I have DD's - they're attention-getters. This guy sat down next to me on the train and tried to pick me up and hit on me. I kindly said no at first. He was very persistent and so I decided to let him know again that I am not interested - especially not in a drunk, middle-aged guy. I got up and sat at the other end of the train and he followed. So I got off and got in another train car. Few minutes later, a girl comes onto my train car and looks at me and says "That guy's an asshole!"...turns out, he tried the same thing with her. Up until that point, I might've said that some girls might deserve it if they provoke the men, but after that instance I felt like I could wear an ugly turtleneck and thick pants and as long as I have a vagina, I will be targeted. And it's ridiculous. I don't act or dress like a whore but that one time I decided to wear a skirt, I almost had a heart attack because I'm a weak girl and it's visible and to them, it's all about controlling the power. So I told the girl that I hope she'll never have to experience something like this but the girl can't be blamed - in fact the fear of being blamed was one of the reason's my friend's sister didn't go to a hospital right after being raped and only told people three years later.
Also, one of my guy friends thought if he's too drunk then he can't be blamed for having sex with a girl who might not want to, and he even said if anything, he could say that she raped him [which infuriated me because while I know there are real men who do get raped out there, my friend would use that as a shield if a girl would accuse him of raping her]...and also, I hate when guys try to say that the girl was drunk and she just regretted it in the morning and "cried rape" [while sometimes that does happen, in most cases no matter how drunk a girl is if she doesn't want it, she can still say no and no means no].
In the end, the woman / man can say no and that no should be taken seriously by the other man / woman - they should have the ability to hold themselves back.
...Sorry for the long response.
@Grizzly7718@xanga See, "dressed to kill" is what I'm stuck on. I by no means believe any victim of rape is at fault regardless of what she wears, but what is the difference between dressing provocatively and dressing nice? For instance, I like to wear jeans that fit correctly (form fitting but not tight), with a tank top that keeps my bra more than decently covered and a fitted cardigan that shows off my curves, and then I add some make-up and heels (I'm 4'6 so I don't exactly have a choice in the shoe department with most of my pants being long).
I dress this way because people have made me feel like crap about myself my entire life. In high school no one noticed me because I wore baggy hot-topic pants and XL t-shirts. Now that I'm more confident in my own skin I don't dress as I do for attention per-se, but because I like going out and feeling like I'm hot for me, so I don't have to worry about people seeing me as fat, boring, etc. Attention is a small part of it, I'm single and I'd like to have an SO at some point and while I don't want every guy looking at me I'd like to look attractive enough for the right guy to care to get to know me, as most people innitially judge on appearances before speaking a word to you.
My fashion sense is sexy, fitted but not too tight, and ALWAYS keeps me decently covered. Even my skirts are high-waisted penci skirts that are below my knees! Where exactly does this leave me, and other girls like me? Where is the line drawn between feminine and classy, and being provocative?
To force someone physically or emotionally? This is not all that clear, and I'd really like more people's opinion on this because I don't think people realize there's even a difference. Sure, I know that plenty of you will say, "No means NO, NO matter what!" but what if someone were emotionally pressured into "giving it up," should a fuss still be made? (Please don't judge and say that that person shouldn't have been so weak-minded as to give in, and other such bullshit; this happened to a friend of mine, by someone she looked up to, too [You're right I'm angry as hell]).
@xeileenemilyx@xanga - erm, i sure hope you mean more often than men than more often than not...
but besides that, yes, i agree with you too. women are no more responsible for their rape than your foot for hurting after dropping something on it.@xeileenemilyx@xanga - i agree with you for the most part, but i was interested in this quote:
"to say a woman asks to be raped
depending on what she wears is like telling someone who got mugged that
they're responsible because the car they were walking to in the dark
lot was a nice one, or because they had an iPhone in their hand
(indicating they have money and would be a good person to hit up). that
person's car, their dress, their carrying their phone in their hand
instead of it being concealed 'influenced' the fact that the mugging
occurred to them as opposed to someone else. or at all. but it does NOT
place the blame on them"
now, i certainly don't think that provocative dress invites rape. and i don't condone victim-blaming. but in the situation you described, i think the person who got mugged was being very careless. they could have parked in a better lit area, been more alert, carried pepper spray, left earlier, left the building with someone else, asked a security guard to walk them out....this doesn't make it their fault, but this is also an unfair parallel. a man wearing a nice suit isn't asking to be mugged, and a woman wearing a miniskirt isn't asking to be raped.
HOWEVER, i think there is something to be said for a woman contributing to her victimization by being careless about winding up in dangerous situations. if i'm out with my friends and i'm talking to a guy and they all decide to go home and i decide to stay with the guy and have a few more drinks and then decide to invite him back to my room even though there's no one else home- do i deserve to be raped? certainly NOT, but i was being pretty careless. while it's never a victim's fault, we can all be proactive to try to prevent our own victimization, and that's important to remember, too.
@sflynn17@xanga - I personally believe that pressuring someone is a certain kind of rape...I believe that in a perfect world, any sexual act should commence with a resounding and enthusiastic YES from both parties. Pressuring someone isn't the kind of rape that is enforceable, obviously, but I think that any time you have sex for any reason other than your own pleasure, or out of love for your partner, its kind of wrong. If you say yes to sex because its too much trouble to say no (the guy will get defensive, angry, you're afraid for your safety if you say no), that is a definitely a problem.
@Cest_LaxVie@xanga - how could someone take a Women's Studies class and have a viewpoint like that!!! omg...she would get shut down SO quickly in my class! So terrible :( no one is every asking for it
@Grizzly7718@xanga - haha ok, sorry you beat me to the punch. i agree with you. feel free to read my comment.
@Coke0@xanga - have you read "Yes Mean Yes: Visions of Female Sexual Power and A World Without Rape"? sounds like you are almost quoting it, and haha if that was unintentional and you haven't read it, it might be something you'd enjoy
@JennyGee@xanga - hahaha!! I totally have....you caught me...that book seriously changed my life, no word of a lie. Did the "enthusiastic YES" thing clue you in? hahah
@Coke0@xanga - I go to a liberal arts school, and most of us are very liberal, but we do get the few conservatives who take the class in the hopes of getting an easy extra credit. I'm somewhat of a feminist, I don't hate men, I just want equality, but there were other radical girls who beat her down really fast.
@Grizzly7718@xanga - i know i should not have been in that situation. i married that situation. yes, being raped by my husband was a very powerful learning experience. i learned that no matter how someone seems to be, anyone is capable of anything. when your life is threatened verbally by the man who's supposed to love you and cherish you and take care of you, when he tells you every last thing that's wrong with you, when he looks at you with those crazy eyes and says "why are you so hot??!! i want you tonight, you slut. you better enjoy it and warm up to me." ... and then he rapes you ...
yeah that's a pretty powerful learning experience. i learned 2 things: 1- i should have known better. 2- i am actually powerless. if someone wants to do something to me, they can, no matter how i fight.
@sflynn17@xanga - yeah, rape is forced nonconsensual sexual intercourse by any means of coersion. a fuss SHOULD be made. and the rapist in that situation would have kept trying different tacticts. if the emotional attacks didn't work, he might threaten her, if that didn't work, he might try to overpower her, if THAT didn't work, he might beat her senseless then rape her. :/ i dunno, maybe the "weakminded" person just wanted to survive before he got more violent.
or it could have been in the same room as their sleeping children. and she didn't want to wake them up and have them see what daddy was doing. so she didn't fight.
I really liked this post. Well thought out.
Wow...