Sunday, 28 February 2010
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Datingish Advice: Should You Take Someone's Schedule into Account...
.... When you break up with them?
Back in college, I once dated someone who had a big exam coming up. I knew I had to break up with her, but I wasn't sure how to handle it. I didn't want her grades to suffer because of the timing of the breakup!
So even though I was planning on breaking up with her, I postponed The Conversation b/c I didn't want to ruin her GPA.
The plan worked out all right, although when we did break up she immediately realized that's why I had been distant for a while. I felt awful about it, since it's basically kind of a form of lying... or at least, lying by omission. That violates everything I believe about being totally honest in a relationship.
Then again, on the other hand... she got a good grade on her test. And if I had broken things off earlier (when I had made up my mind), it would almost certainly would've made it hard for her to study.
What do you think: is it right for someone to take their SO's grades and/or career into account when timing a breakup? Or should truth and honesty be the most important thing, even if it comes at the cost of someone's academic or professional career?
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Comments (53)
I think you totally did the right thing and she'll probably thank you for it one day. Hey, if she goes on to earn mega bucks you could even ask for a cut...just a thought.
http://plentymorefishoutofwater.blogspot.com/ - dating blog
I find that these types of 'excuses' may never end. For instance, you might not want to break up with someone because Christmas is coming up, and after that, it's New Year's, and maybe her birthday, and then your 3 year anniversary, etc. While it may be for the best if you refrain from breaking up for a few days to help her GPA, there's a limit to the types/amounts of events.
I'm glad you took her gpa into account.
Timing matters to me when I'm going to break up with someone. I won't do it on a holiday, or on their birthday, etc.
yes, to a certain degree. if it's something along the lines of 'she has a test this week' then it's very nice and considerate of you, in my opinion. but if it's a month before xmas, just break it off already... and if christmas or her birthday or valentines day is tomorrow, then you suck at planning and should have figured that out earlier
I believe you did the right thing. Since I was on the other side before, my ex broken up with me two days before my finals and my marks took a hard hit. I wasn't able to study and concentrate. I even skipped one of my exams because I wasn't able to get out of bed, but good thing obtain a doctors note so that exam didn;t turn out as bad. All i can say is, I think your ex will thank you for being considerate on her part... since you have loved or liked her before.. even you if you want to cut things off, shouldn't you be considerate to postpone it a bit until the right time (ie.. after exams).
At least she won't remember you as "he picked the worst time to break up with me."
There is a limit - waiting until after her test is thoughtful and considerate, but postponing it for months, which is what two of my exes did to me, not so much. Nothing's worse than knowing a break up is imminent and being powerless to wait for it to happen (assuming the break-up feeling isn't mutual).
YES. Never break up with someone right before finals. -__-
I did that for a while, but I dragged it out for too long really.
I was going to split with my ex in early november, then he came into money so I couldnt do it them or risk looking like a golddigger. Then it was his birthday, then christmas. Then our year and a half anniversary. Then exam season for me.
In the end I didnt see him for the whole last month we were together, and I broke up with him in the middle of the exam season.
He didnt have exams, so i wasnt screwing him over.
And as far as I know it didnt really impair my performance, I feel they went okay.
Long story short I lost 3 months I could have been spending with friends, recovering from leaving him and meeting new people in.
I lost 3 months to look like a good person.
So excuses can be a waste of time really.
GOOD CHOICE.
My god, starting a relationship at a crucial point in someone's academic life is also horrible. I had four exams within one week, and my good guy friend who I liked started making small moves that indicated that he liked me. I lost hours of sleep every night because of him and probably did a bit worse than I would have without his interference.
Sweet guy, though. He probably just didn't realize he'd negatively impact my grades.
I think you did the right thing, but like others said, stunts like this are only okay to a minimal degree before they become excuses. I personally wouldn't be able to pull it off, just because I'm too honest and it gets pretty obvious when I'm not into something.
you compromised your honesty principle so she didn't have to academically suffer. it sounds bad and good like you figuratively stabbed yourself, then stabbed her after her test. she is happy she got a good grade, then heard bad news when you broke up with her. it breaks even I guess*shrug*
hey dude i like what you did man. shows you put some thought into it =P i like what you did. i mean like, not wanting her grades to fall down so you waited. pretty cool =P
i'd do the same thing...
I think you did the right thing, and it showed her some respect.
It would have been pretty selfish, and cruel, to have picked the wrong moment resulting in her test being affected.
My ex called it off before I went to university, but not right before, about a month before. It gave me enough time to get a bit more independent and get over the whole thing before I started fresh at uni. I think if he'd done it earlier I may have found someone else then had to have dealt with a long distance relationship, and if he had done it later I would have started uni a vulnerable wreck. (:
Yes. That was very considerate of you and although it may be a form of lying, these things are covered in areas of grey and you did the right thing.
As long as you don't keep on postponing things it's okay.
My friend, for example, is having a long distance relationship with this guy in El Salvador. (We live in Canada)
She feels that it's time to break up with him because she isn't really feeling anything for him anymore BUT he was in the hospital so she postponed it.
Now he's still sick and can go back to the hospital at any time and she feels that she can't add on to his pain.
I think she should do it now but she's too scared that he'll have to go back to the hospital and she'll feel the guilt.
But I think that the guilt she feels every time she flirts with another guy is way worse than the potential guilt after another hospital admission.
Oh well.
I think that was considerate of you. Unlike a breakup, GPA stays forever in her records. I know someone who postponed breaking up with their boyfriend until the end of the semester so his grades wouldn't suffer either. It did work and they are still good friends.
yeah i do. i wait until after finals midterms etc.
Way to go.
I just had a breakup (I did the breaking) and I have a midterm tomorrow night. I'm finding it incredibly hard to study. All I want to do is sleep or something for a little while. I think you probably did the right thing. It is hard enough to concentrate on studying without having to worry about relationship problems as well.
You did the right thing.
That was the right thing to do,definitely.
that's definitely the right thing to do. kudos!
YES because that is ending things on good terms.
i think you did the right thing. if it's not past the point where you still care about them at all, i would think it's reasonable to take their well-being into account.